Bad Girl's Guide

Monday, January 26, 2009

Response to Previous Post: The Other Woman

Wow....just wow! This guy has way too much going on! I don't think he intentionally meant to screw you over, it sounds that when your relationship with him started, he was going through a seperation or rocky period with his wife. He was looking for his second fiddle, a woman to go to when things got hot at home and he found you. You fulfilled for him every desire that his wife did not, you were loving, supportive, tender and probably insanely amazing in bed. He probably didn't tell you about his 'divorce' because he had come to know what kind of woman you are and he didn't want to lose you. At the same time he didn't have the balls to end the relationship with his 'wife'.

Men lie because they don't want to have to deal with the drama that comes with telling the truth. It's the same reason all people lie...but I'm surprised that he was having this covert life for 20 months and you didn't even notice. I'm sure there were a few red flags earlier in the relationship, and looking back now, you will probably still recognize them waving in the wind. But it's over and done with, kicking yourself is not going to do much good.

I think you are so much better off without him. The Universe helped you to end this toxic affair. I know that it hurts right now, and probably will for a while...but you deserve a man that loves and is with you---and only you. You are too special and fabulous to play second fiddle to anyone, the guy that is right for you will truly see you as his one and only.

You did everything right in this relationship. You loved hard, treated him well and communicated your feelings. The person that screwed up and screwed up bad is this man...a man (dare I call him that?) who has alot of baggage and issues of his own.

As the other Bad girls said, cut your losses and run...run as far as you can in the other direction. You dodged a bullet with this guy, because the shady way he is treating you and his wife is the same way that he will keep treating you. Cut all ties with him, severe your financial cords and change the locks. This relationship needs to be killed 100%. Stop trying to get answers---this will just hurt you in the long run.

Let Him Go. He's not worth the mat you wipe your shoes on. Pick up the broken pieces of your heart and eventually have faith that this was a lesson learned. The guy that is right for you is still out there, and this was just another stepping stone in the right direction.

Sorry for the anguish that you must be going through now, but it will surely pass. Hugs...and keep your head up sweets....you are a fabulous woman and will get the very best!

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Posted by Vixen @ 9:44 AM :: 1 trainees letting it rip!

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Saturday, January 17, 2009

When You are the Other Woman...and Don't Even Know it

This is a question I got from one of my readers. Your thoughts are welcome. Last Sunday I found out some information that tore my world apart. (or at least ruffled my feathers- a lot) Lately, my boyfriend had been pulling "disappearing acts" on me and I was fed up. Over the holidays he disappeared for two weeks straight, and on the weekends he disappears" also. I'm very much a "let me know whats going on so I can move on with my life" kinda girl. Nothing bugs me more than someone not communicating with me or attempting to play me for a fool! It's really not that serious to me!

Anyways, after another weekend of "disappearing with no contact" I came across some info that allowed me to take matters into my own hands and investigate. He happened to leave his email password in plan sight written on the back of a business card on my desk in my apartment. So naturally, I logged in! And surprise, surprise- guess who's married and/or talking to a few other women on the side?! My "boyfriend"! The man I've faithfully committed mind, body, soul, finances, emotions, everything to for the past 20 months had the audacity to be a liar! I have not even looked at another man since he's been in my life, since I was so head over heals!

So of course, without revealing how I got my info I immediately contact him and start asking questions/presenting the facts of what I read and he acts like a deer in headlights, confused like he doesn't know what I'm talking about then has the audacity to shoot back at me "well I'm not divorced yet!" Wow. He also has the nerve to be mad because I wouldn't reveal my source to him. When I met this man, the first thing out of his mouth regarding his status was "I'm divorced". Why lie?

The content in the email was a lot of arguing back and forth between he and his wife especially in the period of time after he and I got together... I also noticed that he has moved out of their house, and she started to use her maiden name again. There was one email from her late last summer asking for reconciliation, but he never responded. Also, in recent email to a perspective employer, he says that he's "separated". He also emailed other women saying very inappropriate things for a man trying to work out a marriage. I don't get it. All the days and nights we spent together even some on weekends, hanging around his friends, my friends, the gifts, the "I love yous" gave me no reason to believe there was a wife at home. I knew they had a daughter together...but all the arguing and short conversations he has on the phone with her when he's in my presence had me to believe he was strictly parenting with this woman. He even introduced me to his son, and his sister. Why embarrass me like that knowing that you have a marriage?

Since this "busting" I've asked him to please come and get his things from my house and be done. I've even offered to drop them off to him somewhere and I've requested my things back. He also owes me some cash. Whenever I bring this up, he gets really mad and avoids making an appt with me. He keeps saying that "we'll sit down and talk about everything face to face", yet he won't actually do it. His excuse this past week was that he was in the hospital with bronchitis. The week before I busted him he was all up in my house spending 2-3 nights not able to keep his hands off me. Where was wifey? Waiting for him to bring my germs home to her? I noticed that if I even mention anything about sex, wanting sex, etc... he comes running like a runaway slave... yet you won't be a man let me go? It's not he really wants me right?

I'm confused, I really like this guy but the situations is F'd up! I don't understand, I'm a young single professional who has her own with no children and would do almost anything for this man...I've spent a lot of money, time and heartache on him... why sh*t on me? Please shed some light....

Response in the following post...this is too long. Feel free to chime in the meantime ladies, a fellow Bad Girl needs your help!

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Posted by Vixen @ 9:37 AM :: 3 trainees letting it rip!

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Thursday, April 17, 2008

Why is He With His Mistress?

It's stories like this that make my eyes water and my head feel like it's about to blow up.
Here's my story, I'm an African single mother 27 yrs,my son is 7 yrs old. I have a pretty decent lifestyle; running my own event management business. I've been dating a 38yr old African gentleman (he's married to a white woman) race is only being emphasized because part of my question lies in it.

We've been dating for 3 yrs to date, he's always been supportive in every way....he's helped me greatly to start up the business I'm running right now. He takes care of my family's well being.....but it's never been about sex either, we hardly have it; we talk a lot we have a great friendship. Lately I have made a mental decision to keep myself away from him....why you ask? Because when you rock the boat a little, I feel a man wakes up...I think he tends to get comfortable with me. It's not a bad thing it's just I feel I stop being that special someone to him. He cares about me, although he's not so good when it comes to expressing emotions and stuff so the few times he verbalizes it but I wonder is there something more he's not telling me.

Over the the 3yrs we've been together I have had 2 confrontations with his wife (in which I never & never will confirm the relationship). Everytime she's called me all the vile names under the sun I've just not responded. First because.... I'm not looking to replace her. Secondly getting in I knew he was married and never expected him to leave her. Most importantly, he's never promised me anything along those lines even though there have been well known ruffles in his marriage. I just wanna stay far from the ruffles...and he's aware of that.

Still in these 3yrs I have mentally taken advantage about the various opportunities I have being with him, in turn I have upgraded myself/my family and our life style; I continuously put finances I get from him away for safe keeping...(u know, for my future) its just I actually do regard him as my partner, my man.

So I've kept myself busy for the last month, I guess he feels it because I don't call, text or e-mail like before I've mentally cut down on him, he's tried to arrange for a day out for us and unfortunately...'I've been busy'. I just want him to feel like he really needs me for specific reasons, that have more to do with us and not just his mood.

Look I know I'm his mistress & will continue to be....but I am human and just want some authentic reason why he's down with me the way he is. Do u think it has to do with the interracial marriage, his age, my age, his ego, our culture?
Okay mistress lady, I have to be brutally honest with you on this one. You are breaking the rules of the sisterhood by engaging in relations with a married man. Especially since you knew he was married when you started up with him. Before I get into the whole issue that you present, remember that marriage is a sacred vow between a man and woman and God (or whatever religious being) and you are invading that sacred vow. So you not only have to answer to her but some spiritual deity is waiting to hear your explanation as to why you would knowingly hurt another woman for your own pleasure and financial gain. Be that as it may, I am not judging you because everyone has their own level of morality and scruples, but I am stating that even I, with all my sexual freedom and enlightenment would never tangle with the higher powers.

It's surprisingly shocking to me that you sound actually proud of it. In addition to that you acknowledge that you've used and taken advantage of the situation by upgrading your family. Kudos to you for starting a business that helps take care of your son, but is this really the kind of example that you want to show him? That women use men to get ahead in life?

Jumping off the soap box, I really don't understand what your question is. He's with you because you are giving him something that his wife doesn't. It could be the intrigue, sex, excitement, attention or even someone to talk to. He comes to you when he wants to escape the reality of his existence. Perhaps it's even that you are black and his wife isn't. Maybe he likes that you are both from the same culture. I can't answer that question for him, but whatever it is, it's something that keeps him firmly entrenched at your side despite all the manipulative shenanigans you are pulling.

Reality check honey, you knew what you were getting into when you got involved. You need to stop thinking of him as your man and instead as your sugar daddy. You are a lesson in contradictions. You don't want to be his wife, but you want all the benefits of him being your husband. You want him only in the good times and when you feel like it. You need to understand that whatever his reasons are you are his mistress, so stop wanting to eat your cake and have it. You can't act like you don't want him but worry about his feelings for you. You need to sort through your confused feelings for him and understand that whatever that feeling is, you are still dealing with another man's wife and taking away from another woman's joy. And remember that karma can be a total bitch when she comes around to it.

You are acting like his part time wife, and then throwing a fit because he isn't fitting into your schedule. You are the mistress, the kept woman. You fit into his schedule and not the other way around. If you don't he will find another woman that will and all that money you've been stashing away will be used up pretty soon to pay up the bills. You are at his beck and call, that's what he's ponying up for.

He's getting to eat his cake and have it too. Unfortunately it's women like you that make men think that they can get away with doing whatever they want to with no repercussions for their selfish actions.

My advice is to invest in a real relationship that can truly substantiate your independence, your need to be loved, your womanhood and will be a better example to your child. Because, your son is the reason (or excuse) that you are using to justify your current actions and that is not the right thing to do.

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Posted by Vixen @ 4:13 PM :: 4 trainees letting it rip!

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Monday, January 14, 2008

The Cheating Detective

I was reading an old article of Cosmopolitan about a woman that's carved a business out of being a cheating detective. She's like a private eye with a twist! For about three to five grand, she will consult with you about your man, learn his hangouts and type of chicks he likes, and then set up a sting operation to catch him cheating. The level of cheating depends on you and how much you are willing to front, with some women going up to $10,000 asking her to set up their men in all kinds of situations.

She's totally anonymous, never sleeps with the guys, uses a fake phone, fake email and has a staff that helps her to set things up. She will dress up, go out and flirt with your guy, catch his attention, get his number and then start calling/texting him until he asks her out all the while recording everything for your viewing pleasure.

The more I read the article, the more flabbergasted I became. Why in the world would one spend so much money on finding out if her guy is a cheat? Honestly hun, you could learn all that for far less money than hiring some expensive decoy. And what would drive a woman to make that her occupation? Sure it's all business and stuff, but how can you live a life that every date, every pseudo relationship is a constant lie?

This just proves to me that there are truly stupid people in the world and a sucker born every minute. Instead of spending thousands of dollars finding out if he's a cheat, just listen to your sixth sense, and follow the clues under your nose. Duh! Most of the time if you do suspect something, you are probably right and you can find things out of your own. Use the money instead on a fabulous vacation to get over your broken heart like a trip to some exotic island or Europe.

Oh, and the cheating detective says that 90% of the time, the man takes the bait and gets caught cheating with her. Suckers.

What do you think?

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Posted by Vixen @ 2:50 AM :: 11 trainees letting it rip!

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Monday, December 17, 2007

When You Catch Him Cheating

Most women think that we are invincible or infallible to picking out a cheat, but cheating can happen to anybody in any situation. This is one of the things that we tend to dog men on alot and I hate to get on a soapbox but even though we know cheating is wrong, for some reason our society has glamorized or glossed it up to make it look like it's not such a huge betrayal as it should be.

So what happens when you follow your sixth sense or randomly find your man double dipping on you? Your first reaction naturally is one of shock and dismay, but then alot of other emotions flow right into the mix quite brutally. Anger is the one that is hardest to deal with, because it flares up with such intensity that it might actually make your blood 'burn', literally and figuratively. I've heard stories of women while in the midst of rage cut off their guys parts, stab people, pour boiling water or acid, kill the woman or beat the shit out of everyone in the room. You don't want to be that psycho.

Why? Because the truth of the matter is that if any man has the nerve to cheat on your fabulous self then he doesn't deserve you. Reacting angrily and getting yourself into a situation that has the potential to affect the rest of your life isn't the solution---kicking the dickweed out of your life is.

When you react angrily, you will do and say things that you might later regret. For all you know, the girl could have been an innocent victim, thinking that Mr. Casanova was her guy and didn't even know about you---then you would have punished her for no reason. She's not the one you need to enact your revenge on...he is. We always want to attack the girl first, but that isn't where your anger and attention should be focused. She doesn't owe you anything---she never made promises to you, she never had an exclusive, monogamous relationship with you---in fact she probably doesn't even know you.

However, Mr. Libertine is the one that lied, cheated and betrayed you, so why are you taking it out on the girl? Let the chick go, she ain't got nothing to do with this. A "Bitch get the fuck out of my house," should do the trick to get her ass in gear, if not, throw her out.

Now that you have no witnesses, er...people around, you can start to castrate or brand, um get on with the next phase, getting the dude out of your life and your bed. He will of course be begging you, apologizing profusely and promising heaven and earth, but if you don't get rid of him now, I can bet you money that in a few months, you'll be wishing you did. If you don't, your relationship ends up in Cheater's Purgatory, which is a relationship slow death. Better to cut it off severely and be done with it. It's over, the trust is broken, he's a cheat and you don't need that in your life.

If you need anthem music, turn on Irreplaceable or Before He Cheats. It's enough to simmer your blood boil to a medium range, think clearly and kick him out.

Next, go through the Break Up plan and call in the posse of reinforcements. Whoever said revenge is a dish best served cold really did have his thinking brain on. Formulate a brilliant scheme that won't get you caught, locked up, or sued and enact it masterfully a few weeks later. There is nothing more therapeutic than a ritualistic roast of your ex's most prized possessions.

Further Reading:
Breakups

So, do share...what are you most satisfying revengeful moments that you've heard of or ever had? There might be a Bad Girl in here that needs a good plan.

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Posted by Vixen @ 9:58 PM :: 3 trainees letting it rip!

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Saturday, November 17, 2007

When He's on the Down Low

Question: I've been seeing this guy for almost a year now and this morning I woke up early and was being a snoop and checked his email( he gave me his password in the past to check some stuff for him) I know it wasn't right but something just told me to check his email what I found was something I never in a million years would think I'd find! His outbox showed messages to someone named Wanda...
hi i seen your pics on ( some website) and I liked your pics.
Oh man I was pissed hell I was beyond pissed. The next one read:
I just want to let you know I've never been with a man before...
WTF????? Ok now I'm crying my eyes out and confused as hell it's not clicking in my head yet.
3rd email ...
no I don't cross-dress BUT I do like to wear womens panties.
OK I lost it there I wanted to scream to the top of my lungs but my daughters were still sleeping and my son was watching tv in my room. Even in hind sight I don't see any signs that he was attracted to men! I don't know what the hell to do. How do I say something to him about it? Do I say anything? I can't be with him anymore and that sucks b/c he's the best sex I've ever had. I am pissed and confused and angry and sad and I don't even know what else I am. So any advice is much needed. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Hot damn, I don't even know where to start with this one. For starters, snooping is a double edged sword; you invade the privacy of your partner, show your insecurities and at the same time point out that you don't trust them. However, what's done is done and you can't take that back (although I'm sure you wish you hadn't snooped).

Sounds to me like your guy is on the down-low. It also sounds like he's still in the curious, explorative stage, so he might not be getting action from the other side of the fence yet. Oh--and Wanda sounds like a tranny. There is no evidence to suggest that he's actually cheated on you with a guy, however it could be argued that there is an intent. So what do you do?

Exactly what you don't want to do. You have to bring it up and talk to him about it. Your mind and sixth sense was screaming that there is something wrong with that picture. For me, no man, no matter how good he is in bed, is worth the drama, emotional pain and hurt that him double dipping is going to cost you. Especially if he's really adamant about this new sexual preference.

When you do talk to him, pay attention to the signs that he might be 'telling you just want you want to hear' to manipulate you in order to sweep it under the wrong. If he's already crossed the boundary in his mind to desiring men, and that is not something you are comfortable with, take your kids and get the hell out of Dodge. Let him explore his fantasies and lingerie without putting the innocent children in the thick of it.

A cross dresser that wants to sleep with men? Oh hell fuckin' no!

Count your lucky stars that you found out sooner rather than later, when you are years down the road wondering how you got some funky STD or he up and disappears on you leaving you wondering why he left. At least this way you know exactly what you're dealing with, and with knowledge comes power.

Good luck.

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Posted by Vixen @ 3:31 AM :: 5 trainees letting it rip!

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Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Keeping Secrets

Wow...I never expected such an overwhelming response. I think that it was a swing vote. For some reason though, my sixth sense is telling me not to mention anything to Wifey at this time. I know that if it was me, I would want someone to tell me, however, I know how I feel about Norio and I know that I would most definitely be at outs with the messenger for a long ass time. In addition, it's going to be my word against her man---he can always deny it and I'll be looking like Bobo the Fool. Norio is so against me saying something to her, it was one of the prerequisites of him even telling me what about it. So yeah, can't break that promise.

Not only that, but Wifey is so smart...and she's been with him for almost a decade. Norio told me that he's been a 'dog from the very beginning', and no matter how slick he is, I'm sure that she must have suspected at least once that he's cheating on her. She's with him for a reason, perhaps it's the security, she loves him, she's keeping the family together, he's a great dad...etc. So I have to agree with the reader that said that me bringing it up to her will only make her private pain public. In addition---we aren't that close, more casual friends than bosom buddies, so I feel like it's not my place. Just because I expect strict fidelity in the bonds of my relationship doesn't mean that she is the same way with her relationship.

One thing I can pro actively do though, is not hang out with the Cheat anymore. I can't look at him without wanting to stare at him cross eyed and scratch his face out. Which means that I can't hang out with her anymore; because the more time I spend with her, the more I'll be inclined to spill the beans. This sucks.

Fortunately Norio & I are moving out of state, so I guess the move comes at a great time. Thanks for your input everyone---the comments, the text messages, the phone calls. You all are great.

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Posted by Vixen @ 4:33 AM :: 3 trainees letting it rip!

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Sunday, September 23, 2007

To Tell or Not to Tell

Back to the discussion of the married guy with a mistress, I seem to have reached a crossroad---the dilemma is, do I tell his wife or do I keep my mouth shut?

I really like his wife, I adore her, she's such a phenomenal woman. The ethical thing would be to tell her that her husband is a two timing cheat, but won't that be worse? I mean, right now, she's living her life of idyllic bliss, secure in the feeling that her husband loves her. Who am I to shatter her illusions?

But I can't call myself a friend if I just keep it to myself right? I mean if I were in her shoes, I would want her to tell me. At the same time, Norio is doing the Guy Code thing, which means that he shouldn't have told me in the first place---and he did. He only told me because he trusts that I won't say a thing to her. So if I tell her don't I break that trust?

Good gracious...I have no clue. I really wish he hadn't told me....grrrrrr! Has anyone been caught in this kind of situation? What would you do?

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Posted by Vixen @ 4:33 AM :: 12 trainees letting it rip!

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Thursday, September 20, 2007

The Amante

Definition: An amante is an Italian word the describes the lover/affair you have when you are married. The amorous relationship is strictly passionate and both parties know the boundaries of the affair and don't want it to spill over to real life.

In some European countries, the amante is 'expected and accepted' especially in marriages that are one of convenience, arranged, family titles, influence, money and power. Both couples live their lives 'sensing' that their partners are having affairs and yet turning the blind eye. In the public, they are the ideal couple and seem to have a marriage that is all together. They own property, have children, take vacations together, speak highly of one another and are openly adoring of their spouse---one wouldn't assume that there was an illicit affair stinking up the mix.

Last year, Norio introduced me to some friends of his, a couple that had been together for almost a decade. I had met the guy previously, and the high praise he had heaped on his lady made me want to meet her. She turned out to be all that and more, and we both clicked on so many levels. We all ended up having dinners together, double date nights etc. Fast forward to last week, the guy boasted to Norio about his Amante.

Grrrrr! I'm still shocked and surprised about this. His babe is all that and a bag of chips, a beautiful Bad Girl to the fullest extent, and yet he would choose a roll in the hay with some trollop---a dumb chick that the only thing she has going for her is her ass. Oh and maybe her blowjob skills. I'm so frustrated about this. I wish Norio hadn't told me, because of course now I'll never look at the guy the same way again. I want to shake him and scream "What the fuck are you doing???"

"But how could he do that? I thought he loved his Wifey," was my outraged response.

"Yes, he does. He would give his life for her--and their kids too. The Amante is just a plaything...nothing more."

Why does he need a plaything when he has such a great woman at home? And he's not the only one. Come to find out on talking to several people, that there are many who apparently view affairs so casually. In fact, the music director of my former church is screwing a church lady, right under his wife's nose, someone that his wife invites for Sunday dinner. Talk about balls of steel.

On top of that both of the guys would never in a million years leave their woman, and don't consider themselves in the wrong for fucking other people. I'm not party to the private details of either relationship---but on the outside both relationships seemed very strong and loving.

If I was a guy (and every day I thank God that I'm not!), I would never, ever scratch the itch with some random chick while my wife is at home cooking me dinner. It's the highest insult and highest form of disrespect---especially that the Amante is neither hotter, smarter or better than she.

Is this really a prevalent trend that is widely accepted? Or do I just happen to know a bunch of cheating idiots?

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Posted by Vixen @ 4:30 AM :: 11 trainees letting it rip!

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Friday, August 10, 2007

Re: Cheating & Fidelity

Thanks for all the comments on the last hot topic! My definition of cheating actually varies much from the one in the last post---but the conversational definition was that verbatim. I believe that with that definition of 100%, it's an unrealistic expectation that leads to disappointment from the one that expects it.

Figleaf said something that struck a chord with me,
"For that matter I'll go one step further: I think it's kind of irresponsible to demand this sort of "100% faithfulness" of one's partner, male or female, because it makes "cheating" inevitable, "fidelity" impossible, and therefore makes what would otherwise be perfectly mutual, loving, and durable relationships either hypocritical or unsustainable. The energy two people would spend policing their own and each other's every thought might be better spent maintaining real love, respect, trust, and fidelity for each other instead."
In addition, communication between partners is key. I read somewhere that most times before a person cheats, they have a genuinely deep sense of dissatisfaction that they've tried to work/talk out with you to no avail. For them, cheating is an outlet of the frustration, a way to gain some semblance of control. (Okay, I agree it sounds like baloney). However, if there is some truth to that, and your partner has been practically jumping up and down trying to get you to listen to them, and you've been too immersed in your own mind or world to give them the attention they crave, then the result more often than not is cheating on some level.

A friend of mine told me that her guy emotionally cheated on her...he caught strong feelings for another woman. He never physically crossed any bounds, but emotionally, he breached her trust. To her, this was the worst form of cheating, because something physical can be more easily forgiven, but when it's emotional---that's deeper and hard to get rid of. How can you be sure he's over the other lady anyway?

I think the definition of cheating varies from person to person and from one relationship to another. At times, we are also quick to slap on the term 'cheating' when it doesn't even apply re: some of the examples of yesterday. However, I agree that if you are in a monogamous, exclusive committed relationship, then certain expectations of fidelity are expected and should be lived by.

I don't remember where I heard this, but there was a social/scientific experiment conducted that deemed that men (and sorry to keep focusing on y'all) are actually biologically wired to spread their seed around. It's the theory of propagating the Earth, marking their turf and other cavemen ideologies. Men are biologically hardwired not to be monogamous. Of course majority of women being biologically wired to possess maternal instincts and actually hormonally crave being pregnant, it's Nature's way of keeping the species alive.

I'm not bandying excuses for the other side, but I feel like there is something deeper than the act of cheating itself. It's a dissonance with your spirit, and a red alert that you are trying to seek happiness from the outside, when the source of true happiness comes from within you.

"Nothing is more noble, nothing more venerable than fidelity. Faithfulness and truth are the most sacred excellences and endowments of the human mind."~ Marcus Tullius Cicero

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Posted by Vixen @ 11:14 AM :: 3 trainees letting it rip!

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Wednesday, August 08, 2007

On Being 100% Faithful

I was having a conversation today with a group of friends about cheating and infidelity. The question was, are men men and women capable of being 100% faithful? Bear in mind that we are talking about the 21st century, the most sexually explicit generation of all times. There are women on the prowl, man stealers, Myspace hos and porn is free online. In addition to that, you have rampant sexualization even on TV and the media, with celebs and hip-hop selling sexuality & sex like it's on sale.

So, in this generation...are we capable of being 100% faithful? When I say 100% I mean, faithful as in not looking, not speaking of booty, not flirting, not touching, not getting aroused by, not cheating, not fantasizing and not thinking about any other woman/man but you?

Now that is something to ponder for the day. I would like your thoughts on this, men and women alike.

Cheers.

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Posted by Vixen @ 1:29 PM :: 12 trainees letting it rip!

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Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Getting Trust Back

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 1/2 years and at the beginning of our relationship I cheated on him with his friend and he hasn't gotten over it. He recently, about two months ago, started talking to his friend again. My boyfriend says that he forgives me for what happen and he's forgiven his friend also. But in a recent argument he revealed that he didn't trust me and it would take a long time to regain his trust. So basically more than two years has gone by and it hasn't been enough time to regain his trust. This is a big road block in our relationship that I truly want to get past.

Truthfully? You're screwed, there's not getting past this. Sorry sweets, but you can give him your right kidney on a silver platter but he's never, ever going to be able to trust you again. Trust is a fragile thing, like fine china, and once it's broken, you can glue the pieces back together again but it will never be whole, true and unvarnished the way that it was. He might be able to trust you to a certain extent--but not wholeheartedly and never 100% like it used to be.

Put yourself in his shoes...would you have stayed in a relationship with him after finding out he slept with one of your girls? And if you did---would you ever be able to trust him? Now that the shoe is on the other foot, do you realize that maybe you might be asking ALOT from him? Are you still justifying, rationalizing and making excuses for cheating on him even years after the fact?

Try reading NOT "Just Friends" by Shirley P. Glass. Its a really solid book based on the premise of rebuilding trust and recovering after infidelity. That will also give you insight to what's going on in his mind, and why he's finding it so hard to trust you again. Perhaps with this insight, you can find new ways to restore the intimacy and trust you once had.

In addition, his friend returning to his life will definitely bring up the same feelings that he's experienced at the height of your betrayal, mainly because he now associates his friend with the whole incidence. It might also be nagging him at the back of his mind that now that Homeboy is back in the picture, you might do the same thing over again. Also there is the premise that 'once a cheater, always a cheater'. Years later, he will be able to still recount every single memory of this catastro-fuck and how it deeply affected him no matter how far you two have come.

I don't know how soon he forgave you, but it might be too quick in the grander picture. Some people forgive just to be 'good' people or because it's expected of them and if this is the case, then he might even still be harboring resentment, grief and depressive feelings about the fact that he's 'forgiven' you, feeling that you got off too lightly and don't deserve him. You need to also take this into consideration and have realistic expectations.

The sacrifice is now on your end if you want to make this relationship work. You have to step up to the plate, every single moment of every day and actually prove yourself to him that you are now and ever will be faithful. You have to be above blame, above blemish, and prove that you really have changed, deep down on the inside. Only through constant validation, a deep commitment and true inner transformation on your part can you two make it through. Get as much help from outside sources aka couples counseling, therapy, books, etc. as you can because you are going to need it.

Very few relationships make it past infidelity, but those that do find out that the victory is worth more than the hurdle. If you two make it through you will discover a deeper, more mature love, one that takes into consideration the most intimate aspects of your partner's joy and happiness. You will grow and bond together through the experience and by dissecting the relationship, taking it apart and building it up again, you will create a stronger foundation.

Good luck.

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Posted by Vixen @ 6:39 PM :: 1 trainees letting it rip!

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Monday, January 22, 2007

Cheating in Marriage

The Mistress has a very interesting discussion in her blog about cheating and infidelity in marriage. The question asked is...do men/women go into marriage having in their heads an 'out' clause that they might cheat in the future? Do they intend to eventually cheat, casting all the most sacred vows of marriage aside?

Recent studies reveal that 45-55% of married women and 50-60% of married men engage in extramarital sex at some time or another during their relationship. That means about 50% of couples are able to rationalize, justify or excuse cheating on their significant other, look them in the face, lie about it, sneak around and have sex with someone else. FIFTY PERCENT!

The reasons are sundry...and Mistress eloquently slashes every single excuse for cheating to shreds.

I’m sure I’ll snap out of this when I get married in 4-6 years (not a moment sooner dammit) but at this point, I can definitely admit that I’m incredibly idealistic when it comes to marriage. Marriage is SO SERIOUS! It’s the biggest commitment EVER outside of having a child (and we all know I want no part of that). Bottom line, I hold the institution in high regard.

I’d rather DIE than cheat on my husband (the one I don’t have yet), I think my relationship with him should come first no matter what, and I’m sure as hell not going to file for divorce the second he pisses me off. We are going to work on that shit TO DEATH before I submit to a divorce. That is a last fucking resort!

Is this a waning view or what? Why is the divorce rate so high? What the fuck is wrong with people? No one cares about commitments or fidelity anymore. I have countless friends whose marriages have suffered from infidelity....

It's a worthwhile read and thought provoking in the least. Feel free to join in the discussion there as well. Read the full post HERE.

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Monday, January 15, 2007

Dealing with a Man-Stealer

Definition: A man-stealer is that crafty hussy who blatantly makes a play (or several plays) for your guy even though she knows that he's in a committed relationship with you.

Usually when it comes to identifying a man stealer, your sixth sense is dead on. I'm not saying every woman that surrounds your guy is out to steal him, but there is an aura around a man stealer that really does identify her as a predator to watch out for. She's that bitch sashaying her hips right in front of your man in your presence, bending over provocatively and doing the hair flip. She's the coworker inviting him for happy hour every single day after work. She's an ex that is still calling, emailing and texting him. She's the girl in love with him even though he's not showing any interest in her. She's a *friend* who invites him to different events without an invitation extended to you. She's a man snatcher and she wants to be with your guy.

Most of the time guys are totally oblivious when it comes to identifying a man-stealer. The flirtations might be subtle and coy enough to be construed as innocent so he doesn't notice it. Some guys do notice, but allow the flirtations to go on because they lack the balls to do anything about it. Although he would never cheat on you, he might actually be getting a kick out of her antics. After all---everyone wants to be adored and appreciated by the opposite sex.

The problem here is that the constant flirtation is going to increase his level of attraction to her eventually. Most man-stealers just keep working on their prey until he breaks down and actually crosses the line. Emotionally cheating...and even mind fucking is still a form of cheating, in fact, this is where the root of all cheating begins. So you have got to nip this in the bud before it gets to another level.

So how do you effectively deal with a man-snatcher?
  1. Talk About It With Him: As soon as you feel this might be an issue, bring it up to him. Tell him you've noticed her intent and put him on notice. Communicating your feelings on the matter will effectively bring it to his attention. He can't be caught unawares then, and knows to have his guard up when dealing with Ms. Man-Stealer. In addition, bringing it out in the open will eliminate the 'element of secrecy' that titillates and excites both parties. He should take steps to avert getting caught up in her web of seduction. Like avoid being alone with her, stop taking her calls and coldly breaking the banter (if they had any rapport)
  2. Put Her on Notice: Now I'm not saying you get into an all out cat fight--in fact, don't do this. But let her know through your actions that you aren't afraid of her and that you aren't going anywhere. She can try to win him over all she wants, but he's with you and that's how it's going to be. Invite yourself along to these work/school functions. Walk over to speak to her with your man. Let her know that you are a couple and have been for quite some time. This shows that you are secure in your relationship and aren't afraid of her. Have some level of contact with him (holding his hand, his arm resting on your waist etc.) but don't be making out with him in front of her---this will just make you seem needy and insecure. Be nice and firm, tell her how it's going to be from now on. Don't beg her to leave your man alone, that sounds like you actually think she's a threat (which she will see as a sign of weakness and make her want to try to get him harder.) Just tell her emphatically, "Bitch, if I catch you calling my man again you will really regret it." That should work nicely.
  3. Have Him Put Her on Notice: If she still keeps plying him with affection and calling him even after you've had a firm talk with her---have him establish that his isn't interested in her in any way, shape or form. A smart guy would have done this already...in fact, should have done this already--but some might need a little prod in that direction. He has to give her a strong red light, without the possibility of giving in to her pressure. If he's talked to her and she still doesn't disappear, perhaps firmer steps...like involving the law should be taken. Anyone can file a restraining order nowadays.
Last word of advice...don't make him choose. Ultimatums will only make you seem paranoid and psychotic and forcing him to pick you is sooooo high school. The guy who is right for you would never have you in a situation like this anyway. He would have taken steps to get rid of Ms. Man Stealer earlier on if only to make you happy. If you feel that he's slipping into her arms, realise that he wasn't the guy meant for you, cut your losses and move on.

Your thoughts?

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Sunday, March 26, 2006

The Other Woman

Definition: The Other Woman is the woman who doesn't have the wedding ring. The girl on the side, the booty call, the mistress-- call it what you will. The other woman is the lady that the stupid guy is messing with outside his 'real' marriage/relationship.

Being the other woman sucks as much ass if not worse as being the Rebound Girl. There is no way that you can ever get the attention and love that you deserve. The only person benefiting out of this relationship is the Cheat (I refuse to classify him as a man.) See he gets to eat his cake and have it back at home too. What's the fun here for you?

Bad girls will never fall into the category of the Other Woman. Sure, you might fall into it unsuspectingly but I trust that once you found out that you were the lady on the side you would kick him to the curb, no questions asked. Why accept crumbs from a guy when there are many men out there who take their vows of marriage/exclusivity seriously?

Besides, you are setting yourself up for bad karma if you keep messing with another woman's man. Sure, he might be all that and a bag of chips (Might being the operative word in this sentence), but if he can't commit to be yours truly then he's not yours at all.

Also bear in mind that if you are the Other Woman and manage to steal him from his wife/girlfriend, you are only setting yourself up for future heartbreak. If he can toss over someone he has such bonds with that easily, then he can also toss you over when the next pretty lil thing comes along. Plus, how could you ever trust him? I wouldn't.

This whole situation is rife with pitfalls and my personal solution is to run, run, run as fast as possible to the other direction. If a man has another woman in his life...his ex/girlfriend/wife or any other, then he isn't the right guy for me.

Bad girls don't settle for less.

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Thursday, February 23, 2006

Sloppy Cheaters & Purgatory

Definition: A sloppy cheater is a cheat that gets caught. Usually due to some act on negligence or carelessness on his part. Most of the time, guys end up being sloppy cheaters...mainly because, well, we are smarter than they are;)

I'm not saying that women don't cheat...sure they do, it's just that we tend not to get caught as often as guys do.

There is a guy that I know through a mutual acquaintance who has been cheating constantly on his girlfriend for about 10 months out of their 11 month relationship. She is a beautiful, sexy, smart thing, not the type of girl that any guy in his right mind would cheat on. His defense? When she is not around (aka at work, on vacation) he gets lonely. And his solution is that he cheats on her.

She doesn't suspect a single thing. He covers his tracks so well. The women he sleeps with know that he has a girlfriend, but they have no way of contacting either him or her. He programs his booty calls under aliases in his phone like Bob's Mechanic Shop and such. He has never called any of his booty calls without blocking his number...has never slipped up once. He's slick, and so far he has never gotten caught.

Now, this brings to mind the question...if one guy can go through so much trouble to cover his nefarious actions...why do the other species of the gender manage to slip up on such a consistent basis? It's because they are lazy and sloppy.

They are sloppy because to some extent they want to be found out. Besides the thrill and exhiliration that accompanies cheating, the guys that get caught in some subconscious element, want to be caught. Why would that be? Could it be that he was already looking for a way out of the relationship but didn't have big enough cajones to break up with you...and so figured this would be an easy Out?

Except...as we ladies often do, when she does find out, instead of kicking his ass to the curb like a proper Bad Girl should do, she decides to forgive and keep him. Just so you know guys, this is known as Cheater's Purgatory. Here you stay while she sends you on a constant guilt trip every time it suits her fancy, extracting her revenge by making your life a living hell from then on forth, blowing up your phone when not in her company and pretty much stressing you out big time.

So now he's even in a bigger mess than he was before, when all he needed to do BEFORE he cheated on her was to be straight up and honest about his true feelings. Men! When will they ever learn?

Eventually this dysfunctional relationship will implode and one of you will crack and finally call it quits after having endured lots of emotional pain and grief. Not a fine recipe for happily ever after is it?

Your thoughts?

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Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Snooping

Definition: This is knowingly going through your significant other's personal effects...wallet, briefcase, purse, pockets, wardrobe, computer, email etc. in the hopes of finding something incriminating.

This essay is not going to side on either way on this issue. I leave my darling readers to do that. There are some instances that snooping is called for. Sometimes, you find the missing piece in the puzzle, you find why your Sixth Sense is telling you that something just isn't right. Under some circumstances, snooping can actually be accepted ~ after all, if he is a lying, cheating snake, how else are you going to find out?

The other side of the coin is that this is a gross invasion of privacy. Snooping ultimately implies that you don't trust the other person, and that you are looking for evidence that what they've told you up to that point is a lie. It tells the other person that you have no faith in their judgement, integrity, honesty and character.

Actions speak louder than words. You tell me you love me, but you don't trust me and have enough faith in us to believe that I'm not stepping out on you. Your going through my personal possessions suggests that you in fact don't love me as much as you say you do.

Let's say however, that certain things were in your line of sight. You weren't purposefully snooping...you were doing laundry, cleaning up, getting some cash from his wallet etc, and came across something that brought suspicions to the forefront of your mind? Do you immediately question them? Or do you just brush it off as nothing important? Or does it sit in your mind, constantly festering until it becomes something way bigger than it is?

I like to deal with everything head on. I don't confront, or put him on the defensive, but I let him know that I came across the scribbled phone number in his wallet and it raised some questions in my mind. I leave it up to him to reassure me and tell me what it was about, and I believe what he says...the first time. However, if it's a recurring scenario, and my sixth sense keeps screaming, I kick his ass to the curb take firmer action.

Curiosity sometimes does land you into a big mess. However, I would rather know from the onset, than get caught up and be ignorant for months to years. In this case, ignorance is not considered bliss.

Your thoughts?

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Thursday, August 11, 2005

The Sixth Sense

Definition: The sixth sense is your womanly intuition, the feeling you have in your gut that something isn't right. The foreshadowing, the dreams, the signs that point to things in your relationship that you don't see with your flawed vision.

First of all, to develop your womanly intuition, you have to trust yourself. Even though it may have let you down in the past (mainly because you didn't listen to the warning signs), your intuition was put there for a reason and is honed to notice the tiniest red flags that your love/lust/infatuated heart tend to miss.

Have you ever dated someone, and just known for some reason, that something wasn't quite right? Have you ever been in a relationship and just sensed that homeboy was stepping out and cheating on you? Have you ever listened to someone and just known that they were lying? Have you ever looked at a really sexy, handsome man, and just felt that he was gay? This is your sixth sense, a very important tool in analysis of your potential mate.

The thing about the sixth sense is that EVERY woman has one. The only problem is that we are either unwilling to listen or trust ourselves. You may think that yours is broken, or doesn't work right, but that isn't the problem. It works perfectly well, you are just too thickheaded and lustfilled to pay attention.

This is where your clique of girlfriends come in. If your friends sense something about him that is wrong, they are probably right. I'm not saying that you should listen to everything your friends tell you, and just cut potential mates out of running (because they hate him for causing you to totally ditch them). I'm just saying that you should pay attention to the whole picture. If something in the story isn't gelling, there is something you are missing.

Does he give you only his cell phone number or pager, never his home number, or gets mad when you call his house phone? You are probably the other woman.

Does he come over to your place often, but never takes you out anywhere in public? You're his booty call/guilty secret.

Does he stay late at work, every night, have sex with you less and less, stops eating at home? He's cheating on you with Miss Secretary.

Does he blow up and get mad at you for no particular reason, mainly because you ask him questions about what he's been up to? He's having guilty conscience for something.

Does he accuse you of flirting or cheating on him and say you don't love him enough? He's blowing smoke in your ass. Classic 'flip the script'. I know you know where this is headed.

Does he emotionally erode your sense of self worth, calling you fat, stupid, lazy on a regular basis? Potential for domestic violence.

Is he controlling you, dictating whom your friends are and when you should hang out with them, monitoring your phone calls etc.? Jealous boyfriend alert.

Does he spend hours at the gym ogling other men working out and has keen fashion and decorating sense. Does he know the difference between Fendi and Gucci bags and shoes? Gay.

Is there a significant change in your sex life...he doesn't want to have sex, he doesn't get turned on by you, he doesn't climax anymore etc. Hmmmm, this could go alot of ways...cheating, gay etc. Personally I have never ever met a guy who didn't want to have sex. No such breed, there is definitely something wrong.

Ok, so now you just have to listen to yourself. Pay attention. Follow your intuition. It was put there for a purpose and wouldn't steer you wrong. Consider it your compass and use religiously.

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Posted by Vixen @ 4:55 PM :: 8 trainees letting it rip!

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