Bad Girl's Guide

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Internet Browsing

Internet dating seems to be the new wave of the 21st century. When I first started, back in the late 90s, it wasn't as accepted and cool as it is now. Almost every single lady I know has tried it at one time or another, some with success. It's easier than meeting in a bar, and you don't have your beer goggles on. It's a marketable commodity and sales are through the roof.

However, while browsing profiles, there are some things I have come across and simply must share with my darling 10 readers. When creating your profile, stay away from the cliches and make it stand out.

1. A Great Picture is the benchmark of any great ad. It has to be a picture of your face, with you smiling and looking absolutely delectable. It's also great to have other pictures as well, activities, friends, pets, and more pics of you. Stay away from suggestive pictures like you eating a banana naked...etc, unless you wish to garner that kind of attention.
Pet Peeve: Men who don't smile in their pictures. I know that not smiling can be considered rougish in a way, but I don't want to talk to someone who looks like an axe murderer. A smile is inviting, lets me know that you have a sense of humor and a nice set of teeth. Besides, it relaxes your facial lines so you don't look mean, scary and unattractive.
Pet Peeve #2: Don't post pictures with a woman if you are on a dating website. I don't care if she's your ex, your friend, your baby's mama, it's just not classy. How can you be trying to get a date with me if you have oodles of women on your profile? Looks to me like you are a playa. I'm sure you can take a solo picture. Be a big boy, you don't need a woman to hold your hand. Also, don't try to be slick and cut the women out, leaving their arms and hands still on your body...that's just sooooo gauche!

2. The Headline: Much be catchy, whimsical, positive and creative. Anything that says "this is my first time", "I don't know if this is going to work", ANYTHING that doesn't make you sound your adorable best is not working for me.
Pet Peeve: Anything that has the words nice, prince, queen, sexual innuendos just annoys the heck out of me. Also, why are you asking if anyone is out there? Are you out there?

3. The Essay: I don't want to hear your life story, I don't want testimonials of how nice and easygoing you are. Everyone says that. Instead, paint a picture in my mind, of how you took a sparrow to the animal rescue on your weekend off, or what irks you about society today. I don't want to read how fun or what a great sense of humor you have...these are all just words that cloak the essence of your character. Break outside the box and come out with something original. Because a cliche will just land you in the discard pile.

4. What are you looking for? If you don't know what you want...how will you know when you find it? I hate ads that say they are just looking for a nice, easygoing girl. I'm nice, and easygoing, but I'm also a thousand and one other things. I'm a conundrum wrapped in layers of intrigue and mystery. I'm unique, I'm very special. If you just want an Average Jane, then sorry, you are not looking for me.

5. Be honest, be truthful...you don't have to lie. There are millions of people browsing out there, there is bound to be someone who wants to talk to the REAL you. Don't tell me you like to travel when you have never been outside of 50 miles from where you were born. Don't tell me you like to read if you consider your car or tech magazines proper literature. Don't tell me anything that misrepresents the real person you are. Because chances are, if I catch you in a lie, I won't want to have anything to do with your Posing ass.

Your thoughts?

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Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Crazy Ass Bitches

Definition: A crazy ass bitch (also known as CAB) is the heifer that you want to stay away from. There is nothing under the sun that she cannot do; steal your man, stab you in the back, raze through the ranks of the 4 billion men in the world breaking every heart she passes. She's lethal, she's ruthless, she's crazy!

This is a term that I tend to use alot. Especially on Dear (not) Abby. I stumbled upon her blog one fair day and had to read through ALL the archives just to see how low a CAB can go. I thought that with dating and relationships, between me and my girls, we've seen everything. Unfortunately, I was wrong. There are some crazy ass heifers out there and a Bad Girl has to know how to stay away from them and also how not to become one.

Your thoughts?

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Thursday, August 25, 2005

Flowers

This is an informal poll. Please reply in the comments section.

Have you ever sent flowers to a guy?

Do guys like getting flowers?

What kind of flowers?

I heard that having flowers delivered to a guy's workplace can be quite embarassing for them...however, I also heard that some men enjoy flowers too. Your thoughts?

POLL CLOSED.

However you can still leave comments if you like. Bear in mind that I would never, ever think of doing such. That would totally destroy my wonderful image of Miss Rakehell. It takes a rare XY chromosome member to be able to fully appreciate flowers. And if he did, we would all question whether or not he was gay.

Ladies, send tickets to a show/game, pizza, beer or anything else instead. Do not, I repeat, do not send flowers.

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Monday, August 22, 2005

Checking Out

Definition: A detachment tool used by both genders in uncomfortable dating scenarios. Physically, one is there, but mentally and emotionally, they have distanced themselves from the situation.

Sometimes, in the midst of an argument or conversation, in the middle of a date, you will notice that the other person is acting strangely. Your sixth sense is screaming but you don't know exactly what it is. Most probably he's checking out, out of the discussion, out of the situation, out of your life. At that particular moment he's not that into you.

When a guy is into you, he leans towards you, looks into your face, his body hovers protectively over yours. If you look under the table, his feet lean towards you as he focuses all his energies on what you are saying. He may have an intense look of focus or concentration, it may be a direct stare that might freak you out, but don't be alarmed...he really is digging you.

However, in one split second (we know how fickle men can be), his attention wanders, he starts fidgeting and looking around the room. He leans back in his chair, as far from you as he can get. He might be there physically, but mentally and emotionally, he's gone.

The best thing about reading body language is that you will notice as soon as his mood changes. That way you can react appropriately...throw a bitch fit.

Yesterday, I actually noticed this in a guy that I happened to be on a date with. Being the direct person that I am, I called him out on it. Why was he checking out all of a sudden? Turns out something I said pissed him off, but that's a story for another day.

Ninety percent of human interaction is not through words, it's through body language. That means by the time you actually manage to pin down what is bothering him verbally, he's probably already given you a zillion clues that he's not there.

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Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Circle of Life

Definition: This is your inner core group of friends. The people that are most important to you, the ones you MUST talk to pretty regularly, your fellow divas, your girls, your clique.

Every Baaad Girl must have a Circle of Life. It's a prerequisite that is as important as breathing. Research has shown that having even one close or best friend can improve and extend your life. So think how long and improved your life would be if you had 2 or 3?

I've come across several women that had never had a close female friend before. What's up with that? Their response was that women are backbiters, back stabbers and gossips. So they stick to having close male friends. My response...guys can even be as vicious and sometimes way worse than women. Haven't you seen Strip Search, Kept, Big Brother? Besides, there is so much you can learn from a female friend that you can't from a man. He's not going to understand the relationship between your broken heart and a quart of Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey. He doesn't have the Sixth Sense and can't help you intuitively sort through riffraff. He can't help you pick out an outfit, or understand why you cried when Jerry Maguire said "You complete me." Guys are good for alot of things, but they cannot be the sole elements of your circle of life.

The problem is not that women are inherantly evil, the problem is that you didn't pick the right women to be your friends. I never have to worry about any of my Circle of Life friends doing me dirrty, stealing my man, or stabbing me in the back and twisting the knife. You don't just elevate a casual acquaintance to bosom buddy level either. They have to work their way up there. And that is how you weed out the 'tried and true, time tested and Mother approved' best/close friend from everyone else.

Now according to an article in next month's Marie Claire, Dr. Jan Yager enumerated the 10 most important types of friends. Now I would list them all here, but I do have a life, so if you want to read more, just delve into her website. (Or into Marie Claire pg 264)

Anyway, as I read the article, under each section, I wrote down the friend who best fit the description under it. I am pleased to inform you all that I really do have 10 super great friends, all contributing to the enrichment of my life in a positive way.

It's very important to have your Realistic friend, who grounds you and helps you stop building castles in the sky. Equally essential is the Nostalgia friend, someone that you grew up together to help you see where you have come from. You need your own pep squad, the Motivator who inspires you to keep trying, and the Nurturer who is there for you at all times. I cannot live without my Close friend, the one I confide my private feelings to without fear of repercussions, and my Best friend, who has been with me through everything, closer and more intimate than anyone else to me.

The Role Model is someone that I admire alot, who has shared her life experiences with me, and I want to be a strong woman like her (when I grow up). The Same Sex friend is at the same place that I am, a woman in search of everything life has to offer. My Male Friend happens to be the one guy that I ask all the "so why is He doing this" questions to, who helps me see the other perspective. The Casual friend is your girl who is always up for hanging out, you guys have fun together in numerous activities. You don't delve into each other's personal lives, you are just activity partners.

These are the people that are nearest and dearest to my heart. This is my circle of life. Without it, I am naught.

Bear in mind that when you do land a man, or hook up with Mr. Right4Me...don't be the ungrateful heifer who jilts all her other friends to spend time with only him. This just smacks immaturity, it's soooo high school. You still need to have your friends, they are the ones that help you live from one relationship to other, help you get through all the stages of your life. They are the ones that will help you identify the jerk-like qualities, and help you grieve once the guy is gone.

A Baaaad Girl knows that men come and go but friends are forever.

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Thursday, August 11, 2005

The Sixth Sense

Definition: The sixth sense is your womanly intuition, the feeling you have in your gut that something isn't right. The foreshadowing, the dreams, the signs that point to things in your relationship that you don't see with your flawed vision.

First of all, to develop your womanly intuition, you have to trust yourself. Even though it may have let you down in the past (mainly because you didn't listen to the warning signs), your intuition was put there for a reason and is honed to notice the tiniest red flags that your love/lust/infatuated heart tend to miss.

Have you ever dated someone, and just known for some reason, that something wasn't quite right? Have you ever been in a relationship and just sensed that homeboy was stepping out and cheating on you? Have you ever listened to someone and just known that they were lying? Have you ever looked at a really sexy, handsome man, and just felt that he was gay? This is your sixth sense, a very important tool in analysis of your potential mate.

The thing about the sixth sense is that EVERY woman has one. The only problem is that we are either unwilling to listen or trust ourselves. You may think that yours is broken, or doesn't work right, but that isn't the problem. It works perfectly well, you are just too thickheaded and lustfilled to pay attention.

This is where your clique of girlfriends come in. If your friends sense something about him that is wrong, they are probably right. I'm not saying that you should listen to everything your friends tell you, and just cut potential mates out of running (because they hate him for causing you to totally ditch them). I'm just saying that you should pay attention to the whole picture. If something in the story isn't gelling, there is something you are missing.

Does he give you only his cell phone number or pager, never his home number, or gets mad when you call his house phone? You are probably the other woman.

Does he come over to your place often, but never takes you out anywhere in public? You're his booty call/guilty secret.

Does he stay late at work, every night, have sex with you less and less, stops eating at home? He's cheating on you with Miss Secretary.

Does he blow up and get mad at you for no particular reason, mainly because you ask him questions about what he's been up to? He's having guilty conscience for something.

Does he accuse you of flirting or cheating on him and say you don't love him enough? He's blowing smoke in your ass. Classic 'flip the script'. I know you know where this is headed.

Does he emotionally erode your sense of self worth, calling you fat, stupid, lazy on a regular basis? Potential for domestic violence.

Is he controlling you, dictating whom your friends are and when you should hang out with them, monitoring your phone calls etc.? Jealous boyfriend alert.

Does he spend hours at the gym ogling other men working out and has keen fashion and decorating sense. Does he know the difference between Fendi and Gucci bags and shoes? Gay.

Is there a significant change in your sex life...he doesn't want to have sex, he doesn't get turned on by you, he doesn't climax anymore etc. Hmmmm, this could go alot of ways...cheating, gay etc. Personally I have never ever met a guy who didn't want to have sex. No such breed, there is definitely something wrong.

Ok, so now you just have to listen to yourself. Pay attention. Follow your intuition. It was put there for a purpose and wouldn't steer you wrong. Consider it your compass and use religiously.

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Friday, August 05, 2005

Booty Calls

Definition: Cmon...do I really have to define this one??? A booty call is that phone call you get between 10pm and dawn from a guy that just wants to knock boots with you. No strings, no commitments, just freaky sex.

Baaad Girls aren't booty calls. See, we don't sit by the phone waiting for that guy to call us asking for some sex, Baaad girls pick up the phone and initiate the booty call. We know when we want it, from whom and how. Plus, we love to be the one in control.

The only drawback from a booty call is that iffy moment a few weeks into the quest of the perfect lay. Women have big hearts and sooner or later, our big hearts get in the way and we begin to have feelings for this guy tool. And this is where the trouble begins...

You see, once you have put yourself on the level of casual sex kitten, it's hard to work your way up to something more. If you want something more, you are going to have to fight for it tooth and nail. He probably won't want the change of status...after all, why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free? Besides, alot of guys are worthy enough to be your stud, but definitely not good enough to be your man. It takes more than skills in the bedroom to capture a Baaad Girl.

If you are going to have a booty call, make sure you separate your heart as much and as soon as possible. For some reason, men are able to do this with alarming regularity. However for us, when sex enters the picture, we start having "feelings and emotions". This sticky situation is just hard and we need to stop setting ourselves up for heartbreak.

I once had a perfect booty call. Just a casual friend who wanted no commitments with just plain ol' freaky sex and nothing more. Wednesday nights...11pm. It worked for me...for about 3 months (which is longer than most). The day he had some chick over at 11pm on a Wednesday night was the last day I used his services. I don't like women on MY turf, in my time zone. I don't share my dick toys.

Now even though you may have a regular booty call, you still need to protect yourself. At ALL times. Triple protection is better than one. My personal fav, the patch, the condom and spermicide jelly. One can never be too careful, especially with all the creepy crawlies around, the untrustworthy men and the crazy ass heifers that feel everything with a dick belongs to them.

I have an honesty policy with all my booty calls. I know it's being picky but I prefer monogamous sex. If he can't be monogamous, then he can't be my dick. Plain and simple.

And realize that you cannot use a Recycled Man for your booty call. This is just full of so many pitfalls, you two have history, drama, feelings on all sides. Unless you have a hankering for more drama in your life, I wouldn't advise messing with a recycled man.

Also, let's not be the crazy ass heifer that knowingly steals some other woman's man dick. There are more than enough men to go around....MORE THAN ENOUGH. After all, a booty call doesn't have to be an ideal man, he just has to know how to satisfy a woman...PROPERLY.

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Posted by Vixen @ 12:36 AM :: 14 trainees letting it rip!

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Monday, August 01, 2005

Dealing with Chameleons

Definition: A guy who shows his TRUE colors to you after the 'honeymoon period' of the relationship is over.

At the beginning of every relationship, you think that each other is perfect, a shiny penney...the 'best thing that has ever happened to me', the 'best relationship ever' and other nauseating cliches. However after the rose-tinted glasses come off, you begin to realize that he isn't all that and a bag of chips. He probably has some annoying traits, things that you noticed but chose to ignore then that pop up now. This is when your honeymoon period is officially over.

Most traits and habits are easily compromised and accomodated. Snoring, belching, wearing Cliff Huxtable sweaters in the midst of a hot summer, talking to himself, singing badly in the shower, singing badly period, quirks...the list is practically endless. However, there are some traits that should be instant red flags for you, making you sit up and take notice.

Violence: If he is cruel to animals, children, inanimate objects etc, be very careful. This screams unresolved anger issues and may affect you in the future. If he hits you...at all, for any reason, this is NOT a safe situation. Please, don't stay with someone that abuses you. Emotionally, physically, mentally-they all count as abuse. You deserve to be safe with the one you love.

Crude: Sometimes crudity can be tolerated, but if he is excessively crude and vulgar, keep in mind that if you have a minor issue with it now, it will probably grow in time. A friend of mine once dated a guy that called all women Bitches. In fact, the word woman was foreign to him. Even though she repeatedly told him that she didn't want him to call any woman thus in her presence, it was an ingrown habit that was hard to break on his part. Needless to say, the relationship didn't go any further.

Cheating: Once a cheat...always a cheat. In fact, the first time he cheats on you will probably be the only time that he will exhibit extreme remorse and sorrow. He will grovel, beg, plead, do anything to get back in your good graces. Some people have been able to forgive and move on, but there is no way that I could ever forgive a cheater. If you stay with a cheat, you cheat yourself out of a decent relationship with mutual trust and intimacy. With the high risks of HIV and other STDs out there, do you really want to set yourself up for catching something? Also, bear in mind that if you cheated with him and stole him from another woman, there is always the high chance that he will cheat on you as well. There is no way around this scenario, it's just full of pitfalls.

Dependancy: On drugs, alcohol or smoking. Even small habits can grow into huge addictions given time, loss of discipline and the proper incentive. Also bear in mind that behavior changes acutely whenever there is a chemical in the mix. Sleeping tiger, tread softly.

Attitudes towards Women: If he treats his mother, sister, cousin, neighbor, ex, etc disrespectfully and badly, chances are that he could do the same to you. Any guy who treats his mother badly, no matter what a bitch she is, will get an automatic axe in my book. It's your MOM for goodness sakes!

Laziness: Traditional roles still apply. A man is supposed to be the provider and the protector. Plain and simple. If he doesn't work, and you end up paying most of the bills and living expenses then something is wrong with this picture. Please ladies, let's stop coddling to these lazy ass men. We are not their mothers. Kick them out on the curb and tell them to get a J-O-B.

Bear in mind that women are waaaay more adaptable than men. However, just because we are flexible, doesn't mean that we have to be doormats for every lazy, cheating, lying, no-good slob out there.

As a woman of the feminine race, you have a right to be loved, cherished, protected and provided for by the man of your dreams. A Baaad girl doesn't settle for anything less.

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Posted by Vixen @ 1:58 AM :: 11 trainees letting it rip!

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