Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Psycho Baby Mama Drama
Help I'm 19 years old and I am dating a 20 year old man with a psycho baby mama. I want to trust him . But its kind of hard when she calls me private every other day. Telling me she's still having sex with him. On his part he told me not to worry. But why do I feel like I'm being played. He says the only reason they broke up was due to her lack of trust in him. Vixen what do I do...I feel like breaking down, or breaking her in half.
Honey, I'm going to break it down to you clear and simple. You are being played. She's playing with your emotions.
From what you are saying, she wants him back...and she's going through you to get him back. She doesn't mind that you are in the picture, it just gives her someone to vent her anger on---you are the doormat and the source of her angst. But the truth of the matter is that you are an innocent party (somewhat) in all this, you just got hooked up with the wrong guy.
Not every guy that has a baby mama is going to be with a crazy one...most women are so over their Ex and just want what's best for the kid. This ex? Is not one of those women. She wants him back, and it eats her up that he's with you. She's trying to get to you to ruin your relationship...she's saying whatever she can and doing whatever she can to scare you off.
As for him? I don't know him well enough to quantify if he's really sleeping with her or if she's just making this up...but I would take it with a grain of salt. In every lie there is an element of truth---maybe he has slept with her in the past, is actively flirting with her or saying stuff to put her hopes up. A relationship without trust is nothing. So if you want to keep him, you have to make up your mind to give him the benefit of doubt, trust him, and ignore her antics to the best of your ability. She's trying to control and manipulate your emotions, take that power from her and don't allow her to.
Personally, I would just stay clear from the whole situation. No man is worth all that stress, and you are too young and have too much going on for you to sign up for all this drama. She's going to be in his life until the kid is 18 at the very least---are you sure that you are ready for all that? They clearly still have alot of baggage together, and he doesn't sound like he's laying down the law to protect you.
She sounds like the jealous type, and I can see why that would break up their relationship. Baby mama wants him back...and she wants to get you out of the way.
Labels: Baby Mama Drama
Posted by Vixen @ 11:52 AM ::
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Monday, January 26, 2009
Response to Previous Post: The Other Woman
Wow....just wow! This guy has way too much going on! I don't think he intentionally meant to screw you over, it sounds that when your relationship with him started, he was going through a seperation or rocky period with his wife. He was looking for his second fiddle, a woman to go to when things got hot at home and he found you. You fulfilled for him every desire that his wife did not, you were loving, supportive, tender and probably insanely amazing in bed. He probably didn't tell you about his 'divorce' because he had come to know what kind of woman you are and he didn't want to lose you. At the same time he didn't have the balls to end the relationship with his 'wife'.
Men lie because they don't want to have to deal with the drama that comes with telling the truth. It's the same reason all people lie...but I'm surprised that he was having this covert life for 20 months and you didn't even notice. I'm sure there were a few red flags earlier in the relationship, and looking back now, you will probably still recognize them waving in the wind. But it's over and done with, kicking yourself is not going to do much good.
I think you are so much better off without him. The Universe helped you to end this toxic affair. I know that it hurts right now, and probably will for a while...but you deserve a man that loves and is with you---and only you. You are too special and fabulous to play second fiddle to anyone, the guy that is right for you will truly see you as his one and only.
You did everything right in this relationship. You loved hard, treated him well and communicated your feelings. The person that screwed up and screwed up bad is this man...a man (dare I call him that?) who has alot of baggage and issues of his own.
As the other Bad girls said, cut your losses and run...run as far as you can in the other direction. You dodged a bullet with this guy, because the shady way he is treating you and his wife is the same way that he will keep treating you. Cut all ties with him, severe your financial cords and change the locks. This relationship needs to be killed 100%. Stop trying to get answers---this will just hurt you in the long run.
Let Him Go. He's not worth the mat you wipe your shoes on. Pick up the broken pieces of your heart and eventually have faith that this was a lesson learned. The guy that is right for you is still out there, and this was just another stepping stone in the right direction.
Sorry for the anguish that you must be going through now, but it will surely pass. Hugs...and keep your head up sweets....you are a fabulous woman and will get the very best!
Labels: Ask Vixen, Break Ups, Cheating
Posted by Vixen @ 9:44 AM ::
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Sunday, January 18, 2009
Just to Clarify
For some reason, there seems to be a misconception that the last story is my own. This was a question that I got from one of my readers!
Oh hell no it couldn't be my story. I'm way to crazy to put up with this....I would be hiding in someone's bushes ready to spill blood.
So....I still think your advice applies, but it's not my story:) Everyone does have a story though, and I'm sure if I spilled my guts about past boyfriends you all would be pretty amazed...but Norio is from good stock.
Posted by Vixen @ 6:11 PM ::
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Saturday, January 17, 2009
When You are the Other Woman...and Don't Even Know it
This is a question I got from one of my readers. Your thoughts are welcome. Last Sunday I found out some information that tore my world apart. (or at least ruffled my feathers- a lot) Lately, my boyfriend had been pulling "disappearing acts" on me and I was fed up. Over the holidays he disappeared for two weeks straight, and on the weekends he disappears" also. I'm very much a "let me know whats going on so I can move on with my life" kinda girl. Nothing bugs me more than someone not communicating with me or attempting to play me for a fool! It's really not that serious to me!
Anyways, after another weekend of "disappearing with no contact" I came across some info that allowed me to take matters into my own hands and investigate. He happened to leave his email password in plan sight written on the back of a business card on my desk in my apartment. So naturally, I logged in! And surprise, surprise- guess who's married and/or talking to a few other women on the side?! My "boyfriend"! The man I've faithfully committed mind, body, soul, finances, emotions, everything to for the past 20 months had the audacity to be a liar! I have not even looked at another man since he's been in my life, since I was so head over heals!
So of course, without revealing how I got my info I immediately contact him and start asking questions/presenting the facts of what I read and he acts like a deer in headlights, confused like he doesn't know what I'm talking about then has the audacity to shoot back at me "well I'm not divorced yet!" Wow. He also has the nerve to be mad because I wouldn't reveal my source to him. When I met this man, the first thing out of his mouth regarding his status was "I'm divorced". Why lie?
The content in the email was a lot of arguing back and forth between he and his wife especially in the period of time after he and I got together... I also noticed that he has moved out of their house, and she started to use her maiden name again. There was one email from her late last summer asking for reconciliation, but he never responded. Also, in recent email to a perspective employer, he says that he's "separated". He also emailed other women saying very inappropriate things for a man trying to work out a marriage. I don't get it. All the days and nights we spent together even some on weekends, hanging around his friends, my friends, the gifts, the "I love yous" gave me no reason to believe there was a wife at home. I knew they had a daughter together...but all the arguing and short conversations he has on the phone with her when he's in my presence had me to believe he was strictly parenting with this woman. He even introduced me to his son, and his sister. Why embarrass me like that knowing that you have a marriage?
Since this "busting" I've asked him to please come and get his things from my house and be done. I've even offered to drop them off to him somewhere and I've requested my things back. He also owes me some cash. Whenever I bring this up, he gets really mad and avoids making an appt with me. He keeps saying that "we'll sit down and talk about everything face to face", yet he won't actually do it. His excuse this past week was that he was in the hospital with bronchitis. The week before I busted him he was all up in my house spending 2-3 nights not able to keep his hands off me. Where was wifey? Waiting for him to bring my germs home to her? I noticed that if I even mention anything about sex, wanting sex, etc... he comes running like a runaway slave... yet you won't be a man let me go? It's not he really wants me right?
I'm confused, I really like this guy but the situations is F'd up! I don't understand, I'm a young single professional who has her own with no children and would do almost anything for this man...I've spent a lot of money, time and heartache on him... why sh*t on me? Please shed some light....
Response in the following post...this is too long. Feel free to chime in the meantime ladies, a fellow Bad Girl needs your help!
Labels: Ask Vixen, Break Ups, Cheating
Posted by Vixen @ 9:37 AM ::
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Monday, January 05, 2009
Working at an Unprofessional Job
I could use a little workplace advice. I am currently one of 8 counselors working in a university admissions office. Out of the 8 of us, me and two others are the only returning staff members (the other 5 are brand new). Out of the three of us that are returning I am the only "regular" counselor....the others are senior counselor and transfer counselor respectively. Hence, they do not sit in the same office/cubicles as me and the newbies.
My problem is that the newbies all happen to be no older than the age of 23 with 1 year or less work experience. 80% of them were student workers just last year and now they have been more or less "given" the same position it has taken me 6 years to work my way up to (I'm almost 29, and have worked at the university for 5 years). The current director of our office is closer to my age (she's 30), and did the hiring and told me in a meeting that "it's natural that you pick people you know to be on your team" "just like back in the day as a child playing kickball"... to me that's bs since none of these folks have a clue about the working world and are often times giving incorrect information, haven't been properly trained, constantly talk about other staff members, have inappropriate conversations with students workers (whom are their friends thier age pretty much), take advantage of the job and think it's a joke, yet we all make the same salary. (we work for the state) They'll also do little stuff like all get together and go to lunch and leave me in the office alone or they'll call each other and look out for each other and not bother with me. I almost feel as if I'm "too professional" for them because I'm about my business and I'm working on moving on and up and away from them. Plus, I've made it a point not to do too much personal socializing with co-workers/superiors because things get toxic.
The other problem I have is one of the new girls hired or excuse me "given the position" is one that I had to cut off my toxic friendship with about 6-7 months ago, and she is still best buddies with the director whom happens to have a 23 year old husband and hangs around young folks at young places. She doesn't appear to have many friends or a life outside of the 3 women she hangs around and the young counselors whom everyday she invites to lunch and doesn't bother to ask me. She and I used to be cool... I thought that she was professional enough to want to converse with me but I guess not. She tries to put on a front as if she's trying to be "everybody's friend" which is unprofessional of a married woman of 30 with a master's degree and a director's position. Her and this one girl hang out everyday outside of work, at work, and at lunch and have conversations about people which is why I don't bother with them. It was a disaster when I tried hanging with them in the past and my boyfriend and his friend got all twisted up in the mix with this youngin.
Anyways, what is the best way to deal with an environment in which you're the only one about the business? How should I deal with my director and her click whom I've deleted from my list of friends? What's the best way to handle the young counselors all banding together without me? I hate to seem like an antisocial bitch but I feel like I need to do what I need to do to look out for me. Plus I think it's rather silly to forgo hanging out at grown places and doing things with older people (30 plus) to hang out with 23 year olds who can't even get into the same clubs, nor have the same experiences as you. Therefore my boyfriend and I do our own thing.
What do you think?...
Seriously? Your job doesn't suck as much as it could. Granted your coworkers are truly unprofessional---but at least you have A JOB! With all the people getting fired these days, one should be grateful for that.
However, I've worked with crappy coworkers before and I know firsthand that even if the job pays well and is decent, the office environment can pretty much be destroyed with such crappy coworkers. I think you have some kind of resentment towards the Newbies and they have picked up on it and hence excluded you on purpose. You could have approached each of them and given them the value of your experience by teaching them what needs to be done, especially since they are all new. "Now that you work here permanently, this is how we do things." If you want to bring things to a professional level, you will have to work at training them properly.
As for hanging out with them after hours, I wouldn't even bother. Keep your professional and personal life separate. Mixing the two is just courting with drama. Don't get me wrong, I hang out with a few of my coworkers on occasion, but they aren't my BFFs. It's okay to do something with coworkers once in a while, but it's essential to have a social circle that exists outside of work. You already spend 40hrs during the week with them...and they aren't good company, so what makes you think that spending your weekends with them will suddenly make them better friends? Nope, just keep doing you.
Personally, I would start looking for another job or get a transfer to another department. They are too clique-ish, unprofessional and unmotivated. It sounds like they, including your boss are treating this job like a sorority and are just sitting back getting paychecks for all the work you do. Life is too short to be miserable, and we spend 60% of our lives at work (some more).
Get your ducks in a row. Go online and apply for a Master's program yourself, try University of Phoenix or the school you work at. Take advantage of the employee discount/tuition reimbursement and align your present to your future goals. You'll be so busy looking out for your future, doing schoolwork, and balancing your life that you won't have the energy to play into their little office games.
If you are that qualified, update your resume and start looking for something else. Don't quit or mention quitting until you get a solid job offer from a new university. There are lots of schools out there, and with your experience, you might be able to apply to your boss' position. Then you can set the tone of the office and be the one that sets the rules. If this work environment is untenable, uncomfortable and too unprofessional for you~ find another one that fits you better. Don't waste your time worrying about how to act around these girls, it's just wasted energy. Instead, use your brainpower to get you to where you want to be, at the top!
Labels: Office Drama
Posted by Vixen @ 10:08 AM ::
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Sunday, January 04, 2009
Have Bags, Will Travel
So now that we've officially stepped into 2009, I'm going to try to do better on this blogging thing. First things first...I'm going to give you a spiel about my goals for this year. Last year when I did this on Meander, I ended up attaining all of my goals. The only thing that I didn't do was learn Spanish---everything else was reached.
I bought a car, traveled abroad, started school again, got a house, got rid of toxic friends, mended broken fences with certain people and establish good relationships with others. All in all, 2008 was an accomplished year.
For me 2009 is a year of promise, a year when I'm going to be knocking things off my 30 things to do before 30 list. Traveling the world has always been a huge thing on that list, but I've yet to do major traveling. Sure I've been to Canada, Mexico, Amsterdam and a bunch of African countries...but I haven't really traveled enough in my mind to become a World Traveler. My friend Rhia last year threw caution to the wind, cashed in her life in the US and moved to Sweden. I asked her why she did this, and her response was why not?
Life is too short. Way too short. I have to live my dreams now, in this very moment. So this summer, Norio and I are going to Europe.
I'm still in the planning stages but by March we will have enough saved up to be gone for 6 weeks-2 months. If anyone has suggestions of great places that we should visit or things that I should know, please email me. I'm a novice at the Grand Tour thing, and I'm totally not the 'roughing it' type...my princess tendencies get in the way of that. I want a comfortable and classy trip all the way! I think my main problem will be limiting myself to only 1 suitcase. I'm the history, landmark buff while Norio is the language, culture buff. Hopefully Europe will be big enough for us to align the two!
Here's the tentative itinerary...
I guess this trip we're going to be focusing on Western Europe and we'll probably have to do the Eastern side another time. Okay, this is the tentative itinerary, and I still have to factor in dates, travel plans, accomodation etc. But we're so excited and I'm absolutely over the moon.
- London: 2-3 days, drive to Rouen (I'm dying to see Stonehenge), and Scotland (Hadrian's wall area).
- Spain: Especially Madrid & Monaco
- Italy: we'll probably spend a week to 10 days here...Italy has so much to see; Rome, the basilica, coloseum, all those cathedrals, Siena (his choice), Venice.
- France: Duh! I want to go to Paris, what's a Euro trip without Paris?? The Louvre is calling me!
- Switzerland: Lake Como/Zurich area. Norio has family there that we have to visit. He wants to spend a week there
- Greece: Off the beaten path, yes I know, but I want to go to Athens dammit! Maybe even Pompeii.
Posted by Vixen @ 9:45 AM ::
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Thursday, January 01, 2009
Part 4, Vixen's Turn
Okay, we're almost done with our 4 part interview series with Ian Coburn, the funny and ever insightful author of God is a Woman, Lunch is Not a Date and frequent column writer on Double Viking and Bachelor Guy. If you get a moment, read his book...it truly lets you see the other side of this dating thing...~the side that most women/men think they know but have no idea about!
If you're just joining us, check out part one, two and three of the interview here. My questions/responses are in bold.
19. Do you think women give off mixed signals? What can a woman do to get what she wants from a guy she wants to be with (or is with)?
Absolutely! I never used to get that but once you realize that a woman’s actions speak louder than her words, it’s not an issue. Nice guys finish last because they accept what a woman says as absolute law and don’t heed her actions. If a woman’s actions don’t match her words, her actions speak the truth. I don’t blame women for giving off mixed signals; they just consider a lot more factors than we men when it comes to dating decisions. What happens between a man and a woman from a guy’s perspective are between the man and the woman; from a woman’s perspective what happens is between the woman, the man, all her friends, her mom, Oprah… It’s ridiculous.
If you want something from a guy, simply be direct. You communicate through your actions; we don’t. So, most of us fail to read your signals. How can you keep calling us “clueless” because we can’t read your signals and yet continue to use these signals to attempt to communicate?
LMAO! You mean you don't get the clues?? How clueless!
20. Do you think men all get stereotyped or lumped in one category? How does a Good guy rise above the Assclown group?
No, I don’t, barring that all of us just want sex. Women and society realize there are nice guys, bad boys, etc. I love this “assclown-“thing; never heard that before. To be a good guy, all you have to do is backup what you say and remove the woman from the dating status quo. One of the best compliments I get from women right from the first date is: “You do things so differently than other guys. I don’t know what to make of it but I like it and I forget myself when I’m with you, sometimes.” That’s what you’re going for—you want her to forget herself and all the stupid “rules” of dating..
21. Why do men date if they are emotionally unavailable? Can't you just say you want sex and not try to get us emotionally twisted on you?
Actually, most men do tell you that they just want sex but you’re not listening; you’re too busy “reading.” Stop it! Tons of women, friends and readers, tell me about guys they meet who tell them they don’t want to date anyone, then later ask for their number. The women give it to them. The guy calls, they have some dinners, yada yada yada, they end up sleeping together a few times, then the guy splits when the women start to ask, “Where is this going?” If a guy tells you he is not interested in dating anyone, then later asks for your digits, you think you are changing his mind because you are just so wonderful and then you think he wants to date you as he calls and gets with you. You are reading his actions; we don’t communicate via actions. When our words and actions don’t line-up, heed our words. When you give a guy your number who told you he didn’t want to date, you just told him you were okay with hooking up, in his mind. If a guy says this and later asks for your number, decline. It’s that simple.
Wow...you do break it down. I wish I'd spoken to you years ago---I could have saved myself a few heartbreaks.
22. What is the most callous thing a woman has ever done to you?
I tell this story in the book: A woman (friend, too) who knew I was crazy about her once misled me to believe she felt the same way about me. Truthfully, she was just jealous because another woman was interested in me and we were hitting it off. She suddenly made out with me and at the end of the night she led me away from the other woman and then became a complete cold fish when we got back to my place. Worse, she acted like nothing had happened for weeks, even though I kept wanting to discuss it.
Ah...a cockblocker with the Queen Bee complex. Very high school.
23. What is the most callous thing you've ever done to a woman?
Have sex with her on someone’s front lawn by Wrigley Field… after a Cubs night game, while tons of fans walked by, ogling and cheering at us.
OMG! I can't believe you did that! I wouldn't have minded, but I'm sure she was motrified!
24. It's been said that "Women need love to have sex, and that men need sex to feel love." How does one cross the divide? Can a man love without sex?
Really, who comes up with this crap? That statement is utterly ridiculous and completely wrong. I’d say it was just wrong for our time but I’d be wrong. Plenty of nice guys love without sex. Ever read The Sun also Rises by Hemingway? The entire story centers around a guy who loves a woman who also loves him. He can’t have sex, though, due to an injury in WWI and she is a nymphomaniac. So they spend the days together, futzing around Europe, all lovey-dovey. The guy then finds a man in each new town they visit for her to sleep with repeatedly while they remain in that town. So, the guy loves without sex and the woman loves but needs her sex. And it was written in the 1920’s; so much for the crappy statement above. (The plot is a really good example of why I don’t like Hemingway, by the way, or most of the realists, for that matter.)
Awwww, that's such a sweet story, I have to read it!
Thanks for the great interview Ian. I learned alot and I'm sure the other Bad Girls did too. Good luck with your book...looks like you are getting published in Russia...cool! Next stop NYTBS!
Thanks again for having me, Vixen. These were great questions and it felt good answering them. I hope your fans will check out The New Way to Date ; it really gives you fresh insight and makes dating fun, again!
Posted by Vixen @ 1:27 AM ::
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