This is a journal created by a woman for women. However, if you are a man in tune with your feminine side (or trying to get there), feel free to read on. It's mainly the stuff we talk about but that noone ever wrote down. It's all the stuff in all those self help books that we read, all the stuff that should be said but aren't. This is just a venting spiel, about the idiosyncrasies of dating and how to make it better.
From::Portland, Oregon, United States
I'm 29 year old, fabulous and feisty female from Nigeria, who has found love, fun and happiness in life and has a plan of getting dozens of stamps on her passport.
Welcome to my blog. Feel free to read archived posts...they are pretty interesting as well. I would also appreciate any comments you may have in whatever arena. The more the merrier!
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.
This means that you cannot reproduce, print, publish or use any portion of this blog without express permission and consent from the author. In other words, don't steal my shit!
Friday, March 28, 2008
When You Think You Aren't Good Enough
One of my male readers sent me a question that details his feelings for a fabulous, amazing girl that he's totally growing feelings for. Everything in their relationship is quite wonderful, they are in sync and she's totally great. The only pitfall so far is that he has feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. He's afraid that he will wake up one day and she'll no longer be into him.
How do you tell your self that you deserve someone when you have such low self esteem? How do you raise your self esteem when all you're life you've been told that you're not good enough to have this or that...
She's just been with so many guys, better looking that I am that I fail to grasp what she wants from me. She tells me that I'm her first ever "real" relationship and that she's never felt like how she felt before but i don't know... I still feel undeserving.
She means everything to me and I may not have much to offer her but I'm willing to give her what I have... but the thing is... These thoughts... these self inflicting thoughts.. they hinder me. I don't want her to be just another girl in my life... I want her to be the girl of my life.
First of all, you have to know you aren't alone. Even the most confidant person suffers from moments of insecurity. The problem starts when you let these feelings over-ride your every thought, action and decision.
You have to keep one thing in mind at all times SHE'S WITH YOU! She chose you for a reason---there is something about you that has her totally caught up in getting to know you. You are right, she could be with anyone else in the universe, someone that in your esteem deserves her better. But she Chose You! There are hundreds of hot, confidant people that she must have come across, but only one version of you. You are unique, and the compilation of your soul, spirit and character is intoxicating to her. You don't have to do anything or be anything other than yourself, because that is who she really wants.
Here is a list of some of the things that she sees in you (in case you were wondering). You treat her so well. You are kind, compassionate and romantic. You keep your word. You don't lie to her. You aren't cheating on her. You are funny and fun to be around. You make her feel like she's the best thing that ever happened to you. You bolster her emotions. You are attuned to her needs and emotions. You care. These are all your attributes, just some of the many reasons that she's falling for you.
Those other guys that you are so sure she should be with haven't proven to her that they have the care and consideration to guard her heart. That's why she isn't with any of them. In fact, all those relationships you described, if you ask her why they ended, she will tell you in detail that each of those guys betrayed her feelings or broke her heart.
She recognizes the beautiful qualities that you have and thinks you are a Real Man. In fact, at this moment, she might even be thinking that you are quite possibly her dream guy. She is adoring you from the inside out---just the same way that you adore her. And just because you don't think you are fine doesn't mean that you aren't! For all you know, she sees you as totally hot! Remember, attraction and chemistry is subjective, that means that what I find as sexy might not be the same that someone else would. It sounds like she's digging the fine appeal that you have. You probably don't even know what it is, the quirk of your nose, the glint in your eye, the smell of your body, the way she feels safe and protected around you, the beautiful long eyelashes, the joyful smile...the list is endless. These are all things that make up her attraction for you that you don't even realize.
I know that you've had moments of rejection in the past from other people in your life, but you have to realize that just because some dumb chick doesn't recognize how cool you are doesn't negate the fact that you are really a good person. Don't carry the damaged baggage of your past to tarnish this beautiful relationship that you now have.
It's natural to fear the future or fear the outcome of giving your heart to her. But fear at the end of the day is just going to keep holding you back. In fact, fear is powerful enough to make you ruin the great vibe you two have going right now. When I first met Norio, I was jaded and cynical--unbelieving that it was even possible to meet someone that was so right for me. The struggle against allowing myself to fall in love with him was a huge one for me; because I was dealing with all the emotions you are describing right now.
But it's much better to let yourself fall in love with this wonderful girl than to keep holding back until you turn into Mr. Unavailable. That is what all those other guys before you were to her, they were unavailable emotionally---and that's why they didn't deserve or end up with her. Don't fall into the same hole. Remember, you want her to be the girl of your life.
Please Steve, stop wallowing is this state. Remember, confidence is sexy---totally sexy. If you keep sending out vibes of needy insecurity, you are telling her that you aren't the man that she thinks you are, she's making a bad choice and then turning your fears into a self fulfilling prophecy.
SHE IS WITH YOU! SHE CHOSE YOU! So let go and savor every single moment in it's entirety. Love her---that is all she wants in return, love her fully and unconditionally; the same way that she's loving you.
This seems to be the only theme I'm staying consistent. Norio is under the weather with the flu so I'm kinda blue.
1. Stubble... good or bad? Stubble is so sexy! Unless it's again my pussy walls. Then it's like dayum---razor please! Beard burn sucks! How often do you shave? Privates weekly. Legs...annually. What can I say, I have some really great legs! 2. If someone shoves you up against a wall while kissing you, your reaction is? Oh yeah baby, come to mama! (You're talking about my boyfriend right?) If not, he gets a kick in the balls. 3. Did you ever own a fake ID? Nope! But I did pass my old ID to my kid sis to get into clubs with. I still get carded, I can pass for 16 on a normal day. 4. Have you ever played a game which may require you or others to disrobe? Oh yeah, strip poker, strip spades, strip blackjack, strip jackpot, strip backgammon, strip rummy...pretty much strip everything. 5. Have you ever had sex in the snow? Rain? Not yet... but as soon as I get my sickle cell under control that is on my to-do list.
I was listening to Danity Kane's new single and the words brought to mind something that all women---and everyone that has ever had a crush or been in a relationship can relate to. Love is beautiful, but it's also a precarious line between heartbreak and bliss.
The baggage and wounds we carry around, from our relationships with our father all the way to the last ex that just broke our heart have the ability to taint every relationship we have and color the way we believe and deal with love. Some people don't even understand that ingrained habits that are bad for your relationship stem from your inability to let go of the past.
Sure you got your heart broken, sure he was a lying cad, and yes, maybe your dad wasn't around when you were growing up. But you are the deciding factor of where you end up, your destiny is in your hands. If you choose to channel the negative factors and energy from your past into every new relationship, then of course, you are going to end up unhappy.
Love is not just a matter of the heart. Our head and spirit comes in the mix too as well as our bodies. All of the four must be aligned for us to feel that inner peace and click.
It all comes down to knowing and loving yourself first. If you let go of the mistakes and bad choices that haunt you, dump the baggage that you carry down the creek and learn to love yourself for who you have become through all that---that's when the magic starts to happen.
How do you do this? Well for starters, stop beating yourself over the head for stuff. You are a good person, you are fabulous, you are pretty and you deserve to be treated like the queen you are. No one has permission or the ability to make you feel less than the wonderful person you are; unless you give them that power. So claim the happiness that is yours and don't take less than what you feel you deserve.
Every woman has the right to have the man in her life adore her, love her, respect her and honor her. If he's failing in any of these dimensions, then obviously he's not the right person for you. I know that it's hard to let go of someone that is kinda, sorta Mr. Right---especially when you don't see Mr. Right around the corner. But that the beauty of faith, you have to believe that what is coming is better than settling for what isn't yours.
I used to be really bad with letting go. I would hold stuff forever, loads and loads of emotional burdens, creating a fortress around my heart so much that I'm surprised that Norio was able to even cross those barriers. But the difference after the crossing is so clear that it makes the journey totally worth it.
So, to all my sistas out there that are holding back their hearts, scared that they might get broken again, have a little faith. Being damaged is not a bad thing, but allowing fear to control your destiny is. Live. Laugh. Love.
Points, The Relationships Survival Guide For People That Don't Like Relationship Survival Guides
This book was definitely one for the guys. And by guys I mean the type of guys that I wouldn't date. A specific group of guys that see the world through sports, don't know a thing about grocery shopping, don't read books, and think going to Las Vegas qualifies as visiting a Wonder of the World. The stance of women is stereo-typical as well, at times even bordering on the archaic principles of woman in the kitchen running the household while guy sits in front of television getting fat.
The Points system is a ridiculous way of keeping score, and manipulating each other in a relationship. Even if a relationship was based on the premise of points, I refuse to believe that acting or saying a certain thing just to get 'points' is a way to have a fulfilling and happy relationship with someone you love. FYI: Not every woman likes roses, or champagne, or those idiotic sappy over the top romantic gestures. We want your affection and presents to come from the heart, and not from a place of trying to get control.
It's supposed to be the spoof or flippant way of turning the script on such bestsellers like She's Just Not that Into You and Why You are Still Single, so I guess in that direction it fits it's goals.
However, I just don't get it. Even as a woman with an open mind, I think that keeping lists and scores of how you rank in the sight of your beloved is a waste of energy and time. But hey, that's just me. Maybe from a guy's perspective it makes sense.
I will grant that it's tongue-in-cheek attitude is hilarious, and I think the author doesn't take himself too seriously. The anecdotes were funny as hell and seeing alot of scenarios from the guys' perspective made me understand a bit better how limited the certain male minds can be. For more information, check out the author's page at http://glebespoints.com.
So, did anyone else read this yet, and if so, what are your thoughts?
This TMI isn't really a good one for me but I'll do it anyway.
1. In the midst of a hangover have you ever promised to "never drink again?" I've only had 1 hangover. And yes, I did promise that. It was on my 21st birthday. I've never gotten sloshingly drunk ever since. 2. What is the stupidest thing you have ever done while drinking (or not if it is really stupid) but thought it seemed like a good idea at the time? Watched porn with a bunch of friends. 3. On a scale of 1-10, where do you rate green beer? Yuck, yuck, yuck! First it's beer. Secondly, it's green. Yuck! 4. Have you ever kissed someone you shouldn't have (drunk or sober)? But of course. 5. What is the stupidest thing you have ever seen a drunk do (besides driving a car)? I don't really see that many drunk people. Could be I'm just oblivious. I guess the most stupid thing I've seen was a drunk guy dancing around the room naked---his limp penis flopping all over the place. In the hospital emergency room. LOL.
One of the things on my mind lately is the ridiculously stupid double standard that us women are still dealing with in the 21st century. We've managed to cross such controversial issues like the right to vote, equality in the workplace and freedom of choice, however there are still huge hurdles to be crossed.
Take for instance the whole slut mentality. Men that sleep around and have had over 60 women in their beds aren't labelled slutty or promiscious. Oh no! They are lauded as players and playas, pimps and bosses. But God forbid if a woman even has a third of that number, then she's automatically condemned into the slutty role, being called everything from a whore to promiscious to slutty and sleazy. It's so frustrating that the same guys that want to sleep with you turn around and chastise you for being easy.
I know we are the life bringers and the pussy is deemed 'holy & cleaner' than the cock, but gimme a break already! FYI, the pussy is self cleaning, which means that at the end of the day, it still will end up worthy enough to have a baby. So don't feed me the line of "Oh you have to save your pussy for when you have a baby!" Grrrrr! Since you don't have a fuckin' pussy, what the hell do you know about it anyway?
You can't have it both ways gentlemen. If you want the freedom to have sex with any woman that suits your fancy, then expect us to have the same freedom as well. After all, it is a pussy you are sticking your cock into. I'm sick and tired of us women having to defend our choices and our sexual forays. Instead of taking the defensive stance, we should flip the script and say, "Yes, I'm a freak and loving it. Lemme know if you ever want some lessons!" Ha!
So dish ladies, what uberly retarded comments have you gotten about your sexual escapades? And what were the snazzy responses that you shot back to but that smug bastard in his place?
When you think about Tantra, the first thing that leaps to my mind is vivid images of the Kama Sutra. However this book has shown me that there is such a deep and undeveloped essence to one's sexuality, and that the boundaries that the Western world has placed on us is only existing in our minds. Sexuality isn't bad, it isn't a sin, it isn't forbidden. It's beautiful.
With all kinds of wonderful exercises, Mark Michaels and Patricia Johnson inspire and explore the world to tantra with you, taking you from the elementary to the spiritual. The book is like a course, and each lesson builds on another, showing you have to deepen your love life, your sexuality and also apply these principles to every element of your life.
A line of thought like Your Very Being is Divine allows you to fully accept and empower every single part of you, from the flawless to the flawed. It's in essence a deep self worship, and then and only then can you allow your lover to love and worship you as well. Everything about tantra is explored in this 200+ page book. It has a glossary at the end as well as different exercises that will release and enhance your essence. The book works for a novice or curious mind that wants to learn more about tantra to an experience tantric lover that wants to deepen his existence on the tantric level.
Tantra isn't just all about experiencing orgasm, it's about reaching the highest level of spirituality and intensity that you can with yourself and with your lover. This book opened my minds to the realms of loving that even Western influences can't tarnish. Best read with the Essence of Tantric Sexuality, a tome that explores the history and development of tantra.
Is sex hotter for you when it's forbidden? Some freaky stuff is totally hot! However, there are some things that leave alot to be desired.
Are casual sexual encounters fulfilling to you? Hell no! Do you need an emotional commitment from your partner for sex to be fulfilling? Yes, I do need an emotional connection. Sex is so much better when you are connected in heart and spirit as well.
Do you think that with all of the online dating sites that cater to every fetish and desire and places like craigslist that it's more difficult to make a commitment and/or stay committed to your partner? That's not true. I think it all comes down to discipline. If you are disciplined and stay off all that stuff, then it doesn't matter what the temptations are, you still won't fall for it.
Have you ever joined or participated in an online dating site? If not, would you ever consider it? Online dating---oh yeah. Been there, done that, lived to tell about it. I've done Match, Chemistry, Lavalife, eHarmony and CL. What about a fetish site, such as alt.com? Not done a fetish site yet, I didn't even know there were fetish sites.
What is the weirdest fetish you've heard of? Eating someone else's shit. Also known as copraphagia. Ugh---gross!
Bonus (as in optional): The definition of 'fetish' is so vague. Do you think you have a fetish(s)? If so, do you want to share what it is? ;)
Okay, so I've been totally bad. In fact very bad with posting. I used to be a posting queen...I wonder what happened to me? I think one of the things was starting my other blog, that I can write on and bitch about all day long. Taking that angle, I should just bitch about hella ish on here.
For example, why do we stress, scheme and worry about getting a boyfriend, but then when we do get one, we start griping about his pet peeves and things that irritate you to the same girlfriends that had to sit through your "WOE IS ME I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND" rant?
First of all, the above rant is only what a desperate, lonely woman would say, one that needs to get a life! You don't need a boyfriend to complete you, or a man to make you happy, you only want one because you think that you should have one. A boyfriend is not an essential need to sustain your life, he's just an extra. Think of a relationship as the cherry on top of an already delicious cake.
Okay so she finally finds a guy that likes her enough to stick around. And what does she do? Sit and whine and complain about his dirty socks, bad table manners, hogging the remote and other small pet peeves that shouldn't even be enough to break the relationship.
In moments like this I just want to hang up or yell at said friend---'Look girly, stop complaining and just be grateful that you have what you wanted." I think it's just the whole grass is greener mentality. We always want something more or what we think is something better.
I wonder if guys sit in the locker room complaining about their new girlfriend. Anyone got an answer to that? I don't think they do, at least, not as much as we bitch about the guys. If anything it would be something along the lines of, "Yep, my new girl is cool but I wish she would gimme head more often." However for us, it's a whole laundry list.
Please--STOP COMPLAINING TO ME! In the grander scheme of things such little habits and foibles don't matter. You would be better served in spending your energy developing and enjoying the relationship you have, instead of whining about how he can do better.
1. Under what conditions would you kiss a stranger? Ummm, to save a life? Like CPR or something. 2. Who was the last person you sent a text message to? My kid sister. If you’ve never sent someone a text message, is there some reason? I never used to text, I was sooo cheap! Until I got my texting plan free, now I'm a text-a-holic. 3. When was the last time you deliberately surprised someone? I took a friend shopping for groceries the other day. She really needed them for her kids but would never ask so when I was visiting, I noticed the empty pantry and told her that we were going out. She was totally surprised. 4. How often do walk somewhere (hopefully, other than the mailbox)? I suck at walking! I'm become so lazy since coming to Portland, which is ironic considering everyone here walks or cycles! I took a short walk last week to the bookstore, that was fun. 5. What were the longest and shortest durations of your romantic relationships? Longest is the present...so far three years. Shortest was 6 months.
Bonus (as in optional):What is missing from your life. My family. I miss them soooo much! Oh, and lots and lots of money!
See other TMI Tuesdays here and feel free to do yours as well.
I got this as a forward and thought it would be a perfect fit into our mantra.
1. Never apologize for pursuing what makes you happy. Even if you need to quit your job, transfer schools, or move across country, always do what you really want.
2. Never apologize for using proper English. Keeping it real doesn't mean speaking Ebonics.
3. Never apologize for giving your best in a relationship that just didn't work out.
4. Never apologize for being successful. Only haters want to keep you at their level.
5. Never apologize for crying. Wear waterproof mascara and express yourself.
6. Never apologize for ten pounds you need to lose. People who truly care about you will accept you as you are.
7. Never apologize for being frugal. Just because you save your money instead of blowing it on the latest fashion emergency doesn't mean you're cheap. 8. Don't apologize for being a single Mom. Babies are a blessing.
9. Never apologize for treating yourself to something special. Sometimes you have to show yourself some appreciation.
10. Never apologize for leaving an abusive relationship. Your safety should always be a priority.
11. Never apologize for keeping the ring even if you did not get married.
12. Never apologize for setting high standards in a relationship. You know what you can tolerate and what simply gets on your nerves.
13. Never apologize for saying NO.
14. Never apologize for asking for what you want in bed. If you don't, then who will?
15. Never apologize for wearing a weave or braids. You bought it so it's yours.
16. Never apologize to your new friends about old friends. There's a reason she's been your girl from day one.
17. Never apologize for ordering dessert or more than one dessert.
18. Never apologize for dating outside your race. Just because you found Mr. Right across the color line doesn't mean you don't love your brothas.
19. Never apologize for demanding respect. You are to always be treated as a queen.
20. Never apologize for not knowing how to cook. Even if you can't burn like Grandma you know how to order good take out. (Right Girl!)
21. Never apologize for your taste in clothes. It's your style.
22. Never apologize for changing your mind, it is your prerogative.
23. Never apologize for making a decision from your heart, even if others don't agree. You have to live with the consequences not them.
24. Never apologize for making more money than your man, you work hard and you deserve to get paid.
25. Never apologize for being you!
KEEP YOUR HEAD UP AND KEEP MOVING ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT GOD LOVES YOU AND HE ALWAYS GOT YOUR BACK
To all my sista's single, married, or otherwise. Send this to all the important women in yourlife
I stumbled on you by accident or fate, either way, I already love you... anyway.. as a 30-something who has not had a whole lot of dating experience because I was married and in a long term relationship, I need some advice. I went on a date Saturday with a guy I had just met that day (I bartend, he came in for drinks with friends and stayed to chat me up for a few more hours)... anyway... everything was going great throughout the date which was conveniently by his house.. so after a few drinks, we went back to his house (no kissing, etc.)After a couple more drinks, I think I lost consciousness because I can't think of why my clothes were on the floor. I remember HIM saying NO.. and then I think I passed out... Anyway, how can I salvage this date? Do I call and apologize or wait for him to call me? He has to think that I either have no self control, am an unbelievable tramp, an alcoholic or all of the above.
Hey Cathy, it's not clear to me whether or not you accosted him or not. I'm not even sure you know. The best idea is to stay away from lots of booze until you know the guy better. I'm sure you know this by now. So, how do you salvage the date?
Just approach it with a sense of humor. If he hasn't called you yet, call him up and say something like, "Hey, I heard you went out with a girl that was totally drunk the other night...did you survive it okay?" or something along those lines. Acknowledge that you made a mistake and a lapse in judgment, apologize for making him uncomfortable and assure him that it won't happen again. If he's still interested, he will call and ask you out again. If not, then chalk it up as a loss and move on. We all learn from our mistakes.