Tuesday, January 31, 2006
What Vixen Agrees on...
Ok, The Seeker
has answered the questions that some of his readers, and some of you asked him. Here are a few of my personal favorites that I agree on.When a man says he wants to take it "slow" and you're screwing like jackrabbits , does it mean he's just using you until he's tired of you?
Yes. This one goes both ways too. The trick is to figure out if you want it to go anywhere. Sometimes the right thing is just to be a person's Booty Call.Vixen says: Yes. He is using you. And Bad girls don't stand around allowing themselves to be a doormat. If you want more, dump his ass and find what you deserve. Do not settle for anything less than what you want. Do not settle for crap.
Why are men so hung up on their penis size?
Because size does matter. Let's face it, a guy can be orally talented and make up for being smaller. Or good with his hands, but to give a woman a thorough pounding requires more than a pencil dick. I know I don't have a small dick, but it's not John Holmes sized either. I want to know that I satisfy my partner. Every guy (unless he has a horse cock) worries that your last partner did. I don't know enough about psychology to understand the rationale for this, but the best thing you can do is reassure the man in your life that you love what he has. According to Dr. Ruth (seriously, I'm not making this up) the best way to do this is to give him oral sex frequently. She says this is equivalent to taking a miniature version of him into your mouth and thereby accepting him. By the way. Spitting is not an option. You aren't in high school anymore ladies. If he tastes bad, get him drinking pineapple juice or something sweet. He'll taste better and you'll enjoy it more and he'll quit worrying about his equipment and use it to please you more.Vixen says: Actually, size does matter. And I feel that if you don't have a decent sized penis, you have to overcompensate in your ability, williness and readiness to make up for it in other domains. Sex is important to everyone, and if you have a small willy, well, you have to beef up in every other domain. I'm a great believer in blowjobs, and know that guys like swallowing. Back in the day, I never used to swallow, believing that it was 'gross, nasty tasting shit' that I wanted no part of. Try it once, it takes the fear out of you and you realize that it's not that big of a deal. There is a trick to not tasting it, just let it accumulate at the back of your throat, where there are almost no taste buds a do a quick swallow. The motion: kind of like taking a shot.Trust me, your man will be in paroxysms of delight if you swallow. Add to that, there is less mess to clean up. New trick...pineapple juice, and have your guy stay hydrated, apparently men who drink more water tend to have a better tasting cum.
There is an expression I've heard about love: Men need to have sex in order to feel loved, women need to feel loved in order to have sex. What are your thoughts on this?
I don't agree. You often hear that men and women are wired different. In some ways we are, but in others I'm not so sure. I realized a long time ago that I'm different from most (or many men) in the arena of sex. I've heard so many women complain that the guy doesn't care whether she gets off or not. Ladies... educate the man.
Show him what does get you off. Whether is a belt across your ass or flowers and a romantic setting. If the guy is worth anything, he will do it. The flip side is you need to just give him some plain jane fast hard fucking sometimes too. Sex is a big part of a relationship. It's also one of the first places you notice breakdowns in relationships. Women withhold sex when they are mad. Men are less affectionate in the same capacity. Sex feels different for men and women. Women can cum as many times as they want. A man can't. Although with practice, a man can achieve orgasm without ejaculation and thus prolonging the session. Getting back to your question, I've heard just as many women who 'just want to get laid tonight' as I've heard men say it.Vixen says: Yep, I have to agree with the Seeker here too. Education is very important. Guys aren't mind readers and just because he knows which way is south doesn't mean that he knows what to do down there or your likes and dislikes. Don't be too shy to educate your man. And if you are...well send him over here and have him read, The Guide to Afterplay, Art of Giving a Woman a Blowjob and Other Articles Here.
He got asked a lot of friggin questions...some funny, some candid, and all he answered with frank honesty. Zip over there and read the rest of the article HERE
. It is thoroughly educational, and very interesting to see the other side of the table. The next post is going to be about what I didn't agree with him on...wonder how that will go!
Posted by Vixen @ 3:07 PM ::
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Monday, January 30, 2006
Vixen's Thoughts on Being the Rebound Girl/Guy
Definition: A rebound guy/girl is the person that you use to get over your last relationship. This usually happens when you are in fake closure mode (see Closure). You jump head first into a new relationship, just so that it will ease the pain and loneliness of the relationship you just got out of.
The Rebound Theory has some limited success, however, this article isn't going to address that. Let's focus on dealing with a relationship if you are the Rebound Girl or Guy.
Chances are going into the relationship, you won't even know originally that your new date is on the rebound. If you never ask about previous relationships until you got to know the person better, this might set you up for being the Rebound Girl. If you believe that previous dating histories should be left in the past and never discussed...um, yeah, this might set you up for it too.
It sucks ass being the Rebound Girl, mainly because the relationship is not going to be given the full attention and affection that it deserves. He still has emotions invested in that other relationship, and is going to take things really slow with you. He might even be *gasp* emotionally unavailable and use you only to fill his physical and companionship needs. Also, you never really know if he is still in love with her, or if he is just idling time with you while he's trying to work things out with her. Like I said, being that Rebound Girl sucks bigtime.
The question is, do you think that he is worth it, that your relationship is worth it, to put up with all that hassle, stress and drama? Do you have the stoic fortitude to deal with seeing dates on his calendar denoting their one year anniversary, hearing about the virtues/bad traits of his ex, seeing her number on the caller ID, having her pop up in your conversations and having him ditch you if she ever called him? Do you want to always be second best?
If you are the Rebound Girl and you are considering hanging in there, read on...
Ok, I have to confess, I have been the Rebound Girl a couple of times. The first time, it worked out great-- I helped him get over her, realise that I was all that and a whole lot more!; and he eventually ended up falling head over heels in love with me. This would be the best scenario of course.
The second time was an absolute disaster. It was the anti-thesis of the first time around and has sworn me off ever being the Rebound Girl again. No matter how great I was, no matter how many wonderful things I did, no matter how fabulously wonderful I treated him--none of that mattered. He kept a shrine for her in his heart, and all she would do was call him, and he would totally forget that I existed. The power and the lure of the One That Got Away is so strong that it's virtually impossible to break. Finally, I just gave up trying and had to call it quits.
The difference between the two scenarios is that Bachelor #1 was actually ready, willing and able to move on, while Bachelor #2 just wanted to cling to the hurt and the memories. There is no way that you can force someone to get over their ex and devote themselves to you. He has to make the choice on his own, and actively seek closure on a daily basis.
If you do plan to stick it out, I have one word for you. Patience. You have to patiently hope and pray that he will get over her, you have to patiently work and try in your relationship to be better than her, you have to patiently listen to him rant and rave about her, you have to patiently prove time and time again that you are the best thing since sliced bread.
Now I'm not saying that you should put up with him treating you like shit in the guise of being patient. Oh no! If he doesn't treat you like the goddess you deserve to be treated, if he abuses you mentally, emotionally or any other way, if you feel belittled or hurt on a constant basis then he is not worth the distance you can throw him. Get an Upgrade!
Either way, it is your choice to make. You just have to decide if he's worth it. Good luck.
Suggested Reading: Breaking Up:) Your thoughts ladies?
Whoa! In the comments section, there are some pretty deep comments. One is a wakeup call left by an anonymous reader. For those of you who don't read the comments...head on over there. Very good stuff.
Posted by Vixen @ 1:02 AM ::
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Saturday, January 28, 2006
The Girl Code: Dealing with Friends and Lovers...
Now according to Special Dark, the Guy Code says it's OK to ditch your friends for your new fledgling relationship. However, we all know that in Girl Code, there is no way in hell that that would go over well on your girlfriends. First of all, that breaks one of the fundamental rules of the Girl Code. Chicks before Dicks, every single time.
For some, it is harder to balance time spent with your girls and the time you want to spend with your new beau, and they end up in Couple Never land, where your girlfriends never see you emerge unless there is trouble in your relationship or you break up with him. Managing and prioritizing time with your friends is very essential and many a good friendship has been ruined because you let a man get in the midst.
Here are some basic rules to keep in mind, to keep your friends happy with the new man in your life.
Let Him Know Off the Bat the Hierarchy: Most of the time, the new guy in your life might want to monopolize all your free time. After all, you are utterly fabulous and he can't help himself, he wants to spend every moment he can with you. When it comes to your friends, you have to be the one to put your foot down. Let him know that your friends are super important to you, and let him know where he stands in the totem pole. He is not going to ditch you because you put your friends first, in fact, he will respect you more for it.
Keep the Girl Rituals: If every Saturday night, you and your mates head out for a night on the town, don't jilt them just because you have acquired a new boyfriend. Keep the shopping sprees, the Sunday morning brunches, the fortnightly sleepovers and girls night out. Let him know what is going on, and that you are going to be occupied during those hours. When you are with your girls, give them your undivided attention and fully engross yourself in all the activities. Have fun, people watch, get your manicures and talk, watch the chick flicks and act like your carefree, zany self. Do not keep checking your watch, calling your man, or sending him SM'S messages while with your friends. This just makes them feel like they aren't important even when they are with you and will indulge him and lead him on certain expectations.
Set Boundaries: In order to keep both spheres of your social life content, you have to set boundaries with them. Let your friends know that when you are with your man, you might not be fully accessible to their every whim, and for them to hold off calling you unless it's an emergency. Likewise, let your man know that he needs not to call you every 15 minutes when you are out with the girls because he wants to find out where you are and what you are doing. If you normally talk to your man at 11pm every night, let your friends know this so they won't keep calling you then, and if you chat with your friend during her lunch break at work, keep the same ritual. The boundaries can only be established by you and you have to communicate what they are to both parties.
Don't Expect Mutual Affection but Demand Mutual Respect: For some reason, your man might not like your best friends and vice versa. There might not be a concrete reason to this, and you shouldn't expect them to like each other because you like them both. People are different and can react to each other differently and you have to bear this in mind. However, you should expect mutual respect. Do not accept him belittling or criticizing your friends, and don't let them rag on him (too much). To maintain the status quo, don't diss your friends in front of your man and vice versa. They will treat each other in public, the way they see you treat the other in private.
What to Do When They Have to Mix: If for one reason or another, all of you are invited to the same social function, the rules are simple, you have to give both sets attention and affection. Avoid spending the bulk of the night with either your friends or your man. When you arrive at the party, introduce your man to the host/hostess and a few people that he might find something in common with. Once he has started mixing, go hang out with your girls for a few minutes but keep an eye on him. You might have to rush to the rescue a few times, and after a while feel free to bring both parties together. Keep everyone in the conversation and flit around the party like you normally would. Another great technique is to keep your man close-by, and just circulate through the room.
Displays of Affection: This is the part that will irk a lot of your single friends. Avoid being all lovey dovey with your guy in their presence. A quick peck, or short kiss, hand holding and an arm around his waist is OK, but flat out making out with him in their presence is crude and rude. When your friends are present, both of you have to curb down your carnal appetites and save that stuff for when you are alone. Capishe?
Become a Tight Vault of Secrets: If you and your man click, you might wish to confide every single thing in your life to them. However, it is not your man's business that your girlfriend had an abortion. Anything your friend tells you in confidence must remain in confidence. Do NOT tell your man without getting her permission first. The same applies to your man, anything he tells you is not meant to be shared with your coterie of female friends during girls night out. If it is difficult for you to keep secrets, get their permission to spill it first. If that doesn't work, make it a hypothetical situation, or keep it anonymous.
Dealing With Money: When you are out with your man, he might want to automatically pay for everything. However, if it's him with you and a bunch of your friends, don't expect him to foot the bill. That is not polite and will only help to alienate both parties. Let everyone pay for their meal/tickets and keep all the money separate. If your man doesn't have the cash (for one reason or another), don't expect your friend to float him. You float him...or walk with him to an ATM.
The Third Wheel: If it just happens to be your best friend and your guy, you have to walk a fine line to avoid either of them feeling like the third wheel. The third wheel is the unwanted, un-needed person. Keep the conversation on topics that both can participate in, don't gang up against one or the other, and skip the inside jokes. If you do have an inside joke that you simply can't skip, let the other person in on it without them asking.
Prioritizing in Times of Distress: Occasionally, you might come across instances where both your friend and your boyfriend need you. How do you pick which one needs you more? First of all, emotional needs should trump physical needs. If your man just got fired, or if your girlfriend just got dumped, they need more emotional support than say...girls night out, or a romp in the sack. Another good thing to keep in mind is a slight rotation. If you have spent the whole day with your friend...then save the evening to spend with your man. The person that saw you last automatically sees you the next time, unless they need you emotionally right now. It's also good to keep the person that you are leaving out in the loop, so that they understand that you just didn't flake out on them, but that your friend/man really needed you.
So, this is Girl Code to friends and lovers laid out in black and white. Learn it, understand it, and apply it.
Culled from Baggage Reclaim
Labels: Girl Talk
Posted by Vixen @ 10:53 AM ::
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Thursday, January 26, 2006
Vixen's Guide to: Keeping YOUR Life
When you do find a guy that you like and you two eventually become a couple, you want to merge your life to his as much as you can. It's a bonding thing, human nature to try and mesh lives. Sharing your life with another person can be very rewarding, however there are aspects in your life that you have to keep primarily to yourself.
The problem with totally enmeshing one's lives into each other is that sometimes...things might not work out the way you want them to
and he ends up being a total jackass. Now you are stuck with a life that isn't totally yours, and you are trying to pick up the pieces of your broken heart as well as build up a new support system. It is a really tough cookie and just makes the break up waaay harder than it already is.
Here is my guideline to keeping my life mine.
First of all, your circle of life must remain YOUR circle of life. He doesn't get to dictate to you who your friends should or should not be. He doesn't get to break up with your friends, or monopolise all your time so that you don't spend time with your friends. You have to maintain your friendships, even when you are in a relationship. Remember the number one girl motto, "Chicks before dicks." He may be your one and only, but your friends have been with you since day one. Don't jilt them for some guy...no matter how cool he is. Have both of you keep your friends seperate. I'm not saying that you shouldn't hang out with his friends and vice versa, by all means do. Just keep in mind that if it ever came to a split, your friends should remain....yours.
Secondly, you still have to maintain your social life. Even though you are part of a twosome, you still need your own activities, hobbies and diversions to keep you energized and happy. If he's not into your Scrapbooking Club...don't ditch meetings to hang out with him. Tell him to have a good time while you are gone and enjoy the hobby you love. Of course, if he is interested in scrapbooking, do invite him a few times...just don't make it a regular item on the menu. Some of your hobbies have to be yours only, giving you time apart and enabling you to grow. It's good self care.
Your work life is another aspect that should be yours. Sure, bring him to the occasional holiday party or get-together if needed but don't let him take over the party. As women we tend to be more giving. Consider all the ramifications before you tell your boss that you aren't going to take that new promotion (because your boyfriend doesn't want you to), or that you are quitting your job (to stay home and clean his apartment). Whatever decisions you are making at work, should be made primarily by you. His input is appreciated, but it's your choice. YOUR CHOICE. Don't be the only one making sacrifices for the sake of the relationship.
Paradventure you have already made these sacrifices for the sake of your man. He couldn't get along with your friends, so you ditched them. He got a promotion and had to move, so you quit your job. You attend all his sports events and hostess for poker night, and rarely find yourself just going for Sunday morning brunch or shopping with the girls. If you have already sacrificed your life for your man, consider this your wake up call. Get it back.
Good self care is important to keeping you happy. Engaging in activities you like and hanging out with people that you like is good self care.
Bad girls practice good self care. Always.
Posted by Vixen @ 10:53 AM ::
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Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Definition: Dismissals are also known as rejecting, letting down, spurning, turning down offers and proposals for dates and future contact. You have been dismissed when the object of your affections no longer wishes to have contact with you.
Being a fabulously interesting person does have it's drawbacks. You might have found yourself in this instance several times. Perhaps you have gone on one or two dates with this guy, or maybe he is trying to pursue a relationship with him that you are just not feeling. There is no way around it, you have to decline his offer, or else you might wind up with a Bugaboo scenario.
First of all, keep in mind that you should treat him with respect. After all, it does take tremendous guts to meet a perfect stranger and make contact. He has to be given his props for that. However, you just aren't interested. Which is neither of your faults, it's just bad luck on his part ~ you can't be interested in every single man that comes up to you.
So how do you let him down?
There are many ways, and some of them more effective than others. My favorite is "Thanks for the offer, but I'm not/no longer available." It does sound a bit professional, but it gets the message across. Saying that you are unavailable doesn't demean or criticise them in any way. It's infinitely better than the phrase, "It's not you, it's me", or flat out lying and saying you have a boyfriend. Saying that you are unavailable means exactly that....you aren't available. You aren't available to him, for dates, for phone calls, for anything at all.
In college, I came across a woman that felt it was her duty to tell the guys she rejected why she rejected them. Alot of her comments were offensive even to my ears, and I'm sure that she shattered several hearts and turned decent gentlemen into raving Playas. You don't want to do this. Giving them a reason might further heighten their quest for you. They will consider the reason a stumbling block, and feel that they can remove the impediment and move forward in their quest. After all, if you say, "I'm too busy to date right now," or some other inane reason, they can just come back later asking you if you are still busy.
Some of you might argue that just declining phone calls and refusing their messages works as effectively, but really ladies, this just isn't polite. You need to clarify that you have rejected them before you can ignore them. You have to emphatically state that you are no longer interested in seeing them, and hopefully they will leave you alone. Sometimes you might have to reject them more than once (we all know how mule-headed these guys can be!), but you should let each guy that tries to date/sleep with/talk to/court/marry you know when he is out of the running.
However, don't try and lessen the rejecting blow by saying, "Let's be friends." That is an attempt to assuage your guilt and salvage their pride. Which in theory is a good thing, but he still likes you. So being your friend isn't going to take away his liking of you, it is just going to intensify it. Added to the fact that you really didn't want to be his friend in the first place and might grow to resent him for hanging around. Or worse, you start having feelings for him and then you have to eat crow pie, but by then he has already moved on, and so you fall into unrequited love and....see how soap opera-ish it becomes? So just reject him outright and make a clean cut from the onset. He will move on to the next lady and hopefully meet his match.
Meanwhile you will have more time on your hands to meet your match. So it works out nicely for everyone all the way round.
Posted by Vixen @ 1:30 AM ::
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Monday, January 23, 2006
Into a Guy's Mind
There was a reader who took the survey that wanted to know if I could let you in on a man's point of view on some of the topics discussed here. Rack the Jipper is opening his blog into giving us views from a guy's perspective.
So head on over there and post your questions. You have until Wednesday. Hopefully, he answers them:)
Posted by Vixen @ 11:11 AM ::
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Thursday, January 19, 2006
Dr. Annie wrote this great post that blew my mind away. I couldn't have said it any better.
Sometimes, it really isn't just about 'sealing the deal'. It's not all about sex. Sex shouldn't be used as a string or a control to leash the guy to your side. We already know that once we introduce sex into any relationship, it tends to increase our uncertainty and confusion rather than decrease it. Sex isn't a magical act that solidifies your relationship.
Here's a snippet from her post.
Read the rest of it here.
When you’re first getting to know a man, there’s a way of dressing and being sexy that will take his breath away, but not completely disarm him.
And then there’s a way of dressing and being sexy that’s like using an armor-piercing bazooka on a mosquito. NOT that men are mosquitoes! But, overkill is overkill.
Women of all ages are tempted to bring out the sexually-charged, heavy artillery during the earliest stages of dating. As one woman explained to me, “Honey, if I give him a little taste of what’s to come, he’ll be hooked.”
Before you recoil from this woman's man-hunting philosophy of little taste (as I did…), ask yourself if you’ve ever secretly thought any of the following during the first six weeks of dating:
Posted by Vixen @ 1:56 AM ::
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Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Vixen's Guide to: After Play
This is another great request from a reader that needs to be tackled. If you haven't taken the survey yet, you can still take it. Click here to take Vixen's survey. It's automatically set so you can only take it once, so if you're not sure, you can click on it anyway.
Afterplay is an essential element in sexual encounters but, more often than not, tends to be overlooked by the male species. A well versed male knows that afterplay is crucial, and has been known to elevate your status from a "he was ok" to a "he was
You falling asleep right after the encounter does not count as afterplay. Neither does a pat on the back and a quick kiss as you rummage on your nightstand to find the remote control or cigarettes.
The fundamentals of afterplay are very simple, and even easier to master than most of the other points we have talked about so far. The key to everything is that you have to recognize that post-coitus, we feel more connected and closer to you. Although the encounter is over, we don't want this connection to quickly dissipate. So afterplay helps to gradually take us from the crescendo of our peaking.
In plain English, when ladies orgasm, it's a mind blowing experience. Research has shown that the brain actually shuts down for a few seconds while this occurs. So while our synapses are recharging, we need intimacy and closeness to complete the cycle.
Here are some main pointers to keep you in the running for future encounters.
- Do not fall asleep right away. I know that you guys are hardwired for this, but you break the number one afterplay rule if you zonk out. You snoring while we are still reliving the moment doesn't help foster any connection. Besides, staying awake for a few minutes wouldn't kill you.
- Duration of Afterplay. In the interest of compromise, I would have to suggest a MINIMUM of 5-10 minutes cuddle time. You can cuddle for five minutes if you were soooo amazing that even we are tired *note the sarcasm*, but anything less than that doesn't cut it.
- Premium cuddling involves your whole body wrapped around us. We like the heat and warmth so feel free to get close. Wrapping your arms around us, our head pillowed on your shoulder, all these positions are great. What is not great is you taking over the whole bed, or rolling over to your side of the bed.
- Sweet Nothings. Murmuring sweet words softly in my ear will get you future encounters. Your husky baritone will send shivers through my body and have me fantasizing about the next encounter...perhaps enacting it right there and then. Try phrases like, "you are amazing, that was really good" or "I really liked that thing to did when you..." You can never go wrong with praising your woman.
- Making Up. If you didn't give me an orgasm, this would be a great time to make it up to me. Try going downtown, hard core making out, or your own brand of titillating touches that should drive me wild.
- Bodily Functions. During afterplay is not the time to let out a big ol' fart or belch. Please keep your emissions to yourself. Holding it a few more minutes won't make you explode.
- No Wham Bams. This is not the time to decide that you don't like me. Don't just up and leave after the deed is done. A few minutes ago you were totally and completely into me - trying to get some action, so don't act like I'm a virtual stranger. That is just not polite, we are no longer in the wild west here.
- Conversation. Do not start talking about stuff that is totally unrelated to Us. I do not want to know if the Steelers game comes on in a few minutes, or what rims you are getting on your car. The proper topics during afterplay would be anything surrounding sex, the relationship, your feelings, the innermost thoughts that you normally don't talk about. Remember this is all about feeling fully connected, so you have to take down the barrier of BS and don't be afraid to show your romantic, vulnerable self.
- Stay Away from the Phone. Do not, under any circumstances, roll over, check your phone for missed calls or text messages, then proceed to return them! ESPECIALLY if they are from other women!!! You will get your ass kicked out of bed for that kind of crap.
- Hygiene: Suggest a shower together. You will heavy points for this. It's an activity that gets us clean, and still retains intimacy. Don't leave the used condom on or around my bed. Dispose of it properly. If you need directions, read the package. And if you can't find it, please let me know so that I don't find it dangling from my vagina when I'm in the shower the next day.
- Don't be greedy. If you are going to get food, snacks or water, bring back enough nourishment for two. Volunteering to go get water to replenish our sweaty selves will get you super points.
Ladies, anything to add?
Labels: All About Sex
Posted by Vixen @ 1:58 AM ::
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Monday, January 16, 2006
Upgrades vs Downgrades
Definition: In the dating cycle, you tend to end up with a guy that is vastly different from your last ex. If he is better in more ways than your ex, he could be considered an Upgrade...however if he is worse, then he is most definitely a Downgrade.
From each one of your relationships that didn't work out, a valuable lesson must have been learned by you. This is the only way that you can improve yourself, your judgement and your intuition, and not relive the mistakes of the past.
A Bad Girl upgrades every single time she starts a relationship. Your new guy has got to be better than your ex; smarter, nicer, hotter, better in bed, more romantic etc. If he isn't better than your Ex, then what the f*ck are you doing with him?
Seriously, I know that it cannot be in your master plan to regress back to a lesson that you should have already previously learned.
For example, one of my exes was antisocial. He was an introvert, without a social bone in his body. Even though opposites attract, this is one relationship that was doomed from the onset. With our different personalities it was so difficult to find a common ground. Will you ever catch me dating an introverted antisocial being again? Hell no. Lesson learned.
In looking into my dating history, I have realized that each of my relationships were better than the last one. Each of my exes were better than the last one. You have to keep improving and climbing the ladder. It's only then can you reach your desired end.
Learn from your mistakes and stop repeating them over and over again in your next relationship. Get an upgrade.
Posted by Vixen @ 2:22 AM ::
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Saturday, January 14, 2006
Vixen's Guide to: Inter-racial Relationships
You cannot choose who you fall in love with ~ love is a fickle mistress and when Cupid's bow strikes, it doesn't pay attention to race, nationality or creed. For those of us who adore ALL men, irrespective of race and nationality, this guide will probably come in handy as well.
The world has become a diaspora of every single race, a global melting pot of different cultures and nationalities. The beauty of this is that there is less racism and prejudice than there was say...50 years ago, however it does still exist. Here are some tips to help deal with the attitudes that might stink up our new romance.
Initially, you have to examine your own personal prejudices. Even though you might consider yourself an open-minded and unbiased person, bear in mind that alot of prejudices have been inadvertantly steeped into our character ever since birth via the media, our parents, the community, school and our peers. You have to know what your own prejudices are concerning the race of your new love and deal with them before you can even acknowledge the full depths of your love.
Recognize that it is going to be hard. Love is never easy, and dealing with ignorant people on a consistant basis is bound to drive even the most patient saint into a tizzy. Strangers that you don't even know might come up to you with sarcastic comments, and you are bound to face censure in some shape or form from your family and friends. Be prepared for this and recognize that you are in it together.
Build a strong foundation. If your relationship is not really strong to begin with, it won't withstand the storm that interracial dating might bring. You need to focus on the important stuff, building a friendship as well as a relationship, with open communication and lots of trust. Recognise that you are both in this together and be prepared to face all the hurdles together. Do everything you can to nurture and strengthen your relationship as you would any other relationship. Talk about your feelings and your attitudes, connect and share through whatever you are going through.
Be willing to compromise. There are alot of things in my culture that is hard for someone not raised in it to understand or even accept. However, they are important to me and need to be understood by my partner. You might have to over-extend yourself in the interest of compromise and realize on both your parts that it is a sacrifice that you are both making. Be willing to learn about the other person so you can fully get where they are coming from. Issues like familial ties (aka nosiness), religion, cultural beliefs and practices etc, all are essential and you both have to be willing to be flexible.
Deal with your family and friends first. The main reason alot of mixed relationships don't last is because the couple could not withstand the pressure and lack of support from their families and close personal friends. You do not realize how much you need their approval until the one time you don't have it. To avoid this, here are some tips to keep in mind. Do not spring the fact that your new love is of a different race on the same day you bring him home to meet your parents. Remember what happened in Guess Who? Alot of the embarrassment could have been avoided if she had simply told her parents that Simon was white before she brought him home. You might think that your family will be ok with it, but keep in mind that prejudices are inbred and need time and acceptance to deal with them.
Let your friends and family know as soon as you can to give them time to get adjusted to the idea. And don't apologise about it!! Apologizing in the beginning makes it look like you have something to be ashamed about...and you don't! When talking about him, allow them to realize that you see him as the man you love, first and foremost before you even bring in the race issue. Hype up his positive traits and bring to their minds the fact that you feel he is your dream guy. The day before I brought my new boyfriend to meet my parents, I sat them down and had them watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding. It helped thaw them and was a great discussion opener.
Your inner circle is important to you, and most of them might be quite accepting of your new love. They might have reservations but mostly not on a racial issue. Keep the communication lines open and let them be able to voice their opinions. Their comments might be grating, but it's not coming from a mean place, they just want what is best for you. If they are your friends, they will realize that you are going to do whatever you want anyway and they will come to support you. It might even be easier than you think.
Ignore, ignore, ignore. When all else fails, let this be your mantra. Focus on the person you love and let your love grow. Ignore the stares, snippy comments and judgements that come your way. Focus and revel in the love you have for each other and the positive traits that this relationship brings into your life.
Enjoy him. Savor him. Love him.
Culled from Baggage Reclaim
Posted by Vixen @ 1:15 AM ::
5 trainees letting it rip!
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Thursday, January 12, 2006
The Art of a Giving a Woman a Blowjob
I've spoken to a few guys that have reported that women don't like receiving BJs. Ummm, yeah okay...whatever. She probably told you this because you totally sucked at it and the pain wasn't worth the hassle. The reason that we say we don't like receiving BJs from guys is that most of you don't know what the hell you are doing when you go down there and end up just irritating and frustrating us than anything else.
In my experience, only about 20% of guys know how to go downtown properly and that is a gross exaggeration. Some guys just make up excuses and don't even attempt it, so bear in mind that you can't get an F for trying. Cunnilingus is definitely an art that you need practice and education to master. But it can be mastered.
Sometimes, your babe might be too shy to properly direct you in the proper ettiquette of female pleasuring, but have no fear, the Bad Girls are here and we will happily oblige. Here are some tips to keep in mind when you go downtown.
- It's Not a Penis: Yes, I know that you think because our noses and fingers are the same, other parts of us probably work the same way too...alas hun, it's not true. The clitoris, (the part that sticks out) comprises of thousands of super sensitive nerve endings. That means that every feeling down there is amplified a thousand times. I'm not telling you that we are super fragile, but stop trying to pull it out. It's not going to come out. It's firmly attached and doesn't grow like your weiner does. Understand?
- Positioning: For the guy that complains that he gets a crick in his neck from the position, my suggestion would be a pillow under the hips of your lady. Or have her sitting in a chair while you are on the floor. It's doable, so this is no longer an excuse not to go downtown!
- No Biting/Chewing Allowed!: Imagine your girl going down on you and chomping down with her canines...yeah, that would totally suck, wouldn't it? Well the same theory applies. When you bite...we feel it most excruciatingly. So stop with the biting already. I cannot even begin to comprehend why you would be chewing, but I've heard it happen. That also is not allowed.
- Accessories: For this quest, use of your tongue and lips are preferred. No teeth please. Your fingers of course to hold your place and other sundry things. The power of the heat of your breath against her bared flesh shouldn't be ignored either. Bear in mind the most important of them all is the tongue. Licks rule.
- Beard Burn is a No no: Shaving is very essential. Remember how sensitive we are down there and proceed accordingly. If you have very coarse hair on your face, you should probably deal with that before you try to visit us down there. We do NOT enjoy rug burn, razor burn, the five o'clock shadow or anything that isn't soft and pliable meeting our privates. So don't forget to shave!
- Pick a Home Base: I know that you really haven't gotten the dynamics of the vagina down, but the most important thing is to stay in a general area. Although sensitizing other areas is encouraged, my suggestion is to always come back to the home base. For some, it's the apex of the clit, for some the inner walls and for some the outer. Your girl can tell you where her fav masturbation spot is, that would probably be your best bet for home base.
- Intensity: Being that I ruled out biting and chewing, you might think that I have severely restricted your options. However, with intensity you have to focus on gaining momentum. The more you sensitize the nerves, the more pressure you will need to help her reach fulfillment. In plain English, start slow and gradually build up the pressure. Your first licks should feel like butterfly kisses and the intensity gradually grows from there.
- Pay Attention: If a woman knows her body like most of us do, she already knows what needs to be done to get the deed accomplished. Listen to her moans and pay attention to her body. If it's hurting, you have to be able to tell that as well. If she clamps down, keeps squirming away or bolts her thighs, chances are you are hurting her really bad. Some ladies might hold your head to direct you, just follow her cues and you should do ok.
- Tips and Tricks: The Alphabet: I have friends that swear on this so I figure I should pass it along to you. If you run out of moves or if you want to try something fresh, use your tongue to write the alphabet (upper and lowercase) over her entrance. With each letter you sensitize a different spot and this leaves many a girl craving more. Humming: Apparently the vibrations of the tongue when you are humming a song feels like a mini vibrator. Hum a song, she'll like it. Circular Motions: Big circles, small circles, any circles. Draw circles with your tongue.
- We Aren't Going to Pee On You: You may have this irrational fear. However, science has proven that the fluid that comes out during an orgasm is not urine. Plus, we aren't afraid that you are going to pee on us when we give you BJs....so get over it already.
- Stop Being Afraid: The vagina is beautiful, it is the core of our feminity and it's what makes us a woman. Every vagina is different and yet so very similar. It doesn't bite, you aren't going to lose your tongue, pussy juice isn't going to drown/choke/poison you, and your rewards will be totally worth it.
- What To Do When She Orgasms: For every woman, they want something different. Most prefer you to continue until her orgasm peaks, while some want you to stop while she just rides it out. Refer to number 8.
- Attitude: If you are complaining about going downtown, or making it a chore versus an adventure, your babe should
beat your ass treat you accordingly. The correct attitude is ENTHUSIASM! The same enthusiasm that we show every time you whip out Johnny. For what you lack in skill, you can always make up in enthusiasm and willingness to learn.
Another thought that came to my mind is that not every woman orgasms when receiving cunnilingus. For some, it's their sexual makeup, they just aren't hard wired that way. Others might just see receiving a BJ as a form of foreplay and prefer to come during sex. I know some women that stop their guys right before so they can share in the experience, it all varies. Don't be all upset if you didn't make her come, however, you should take it as a challenge to at least try.
Ladies, did I leave anything out?
Labels: All About Sex, Foreplay
Posted by Vixen @ 4:21 AM ::
16 trainees letting it rip!
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Wednesday, January 11, 2006
What Women Want
This is one of my favorite articles that I wrote for Baggage Reclaim lately. Some of you may have seen it, but if not, I simply just had to share.
Men are always complaining that they don't know what women want. I can understand where that idea comes from, because usually, by the time you are done deciphering what emotion you are dealing with, we have already moved on to the next thing. Here are some main pointers for you to keep in mind when dealing with most of the women of the feminine race.
We want you to stop being oblivious: Even though we have a heightened sixth sense, it is quite possible for you to be as intuitive to our moods as we are to yours. When you come home after a rough day at work, we immediately sense that you need help relaxing and that you need to chill out. All we ask for is the same consideration. After interacting with us for a significant period of time, you should be able to tell by our facial expressions, our gestures and our voice inflections what our mood is. And pattern yours accordingly. For example, if your sweetie is normally talkative, but all of a sudden she is sullen and quiet...chances are something is wrong. It wouldn't kill you to ask her what the problem was or if she was alright.
We want you to offer comfort: You can never go wrong just wrapping your arms around us and not saying anything at all. Communication is 90% nonverbal and there is nothing more comforting than a pair of masculine arms holding us tight. We have the power to set our world aright, but sometimes, nothing is a better fixer upper than your arms.
We want you to listen: You may think that you vaguely hearing what we are saying as you sort through your mail, or flick through TV channels counts as listening, but on Venus...that doesn't cut it. When listening, look into our faces, pick up our non-verbal cues, pay attention to what we are saying. Reiterate your understanding in your own words and participate in the discussion. These are basic communication skills besides the grunting and casual nods that you send our way.
We want you to be there: Whenever we have an issue, we would like to just pick up the phone, an email or drop by to talk it over in person. That's what chicks do to foster connections and we don't take offense when another lady needs us. Even though sometimes physically being there is not always possible, just the fact that we can connect with you in some way helps. Don't turn off your cell phone, don't ignore our messages ~ all of this will just amp up our emotional level and cause us to kick you to the curb.
We want you to understand that shopping is therapeutic: Do not make fun of the amount of money we spend on shoes or clothes, even though we have a closet full. Shopping is not just a quick dash into a store to pick up some jeans. It's hours spent in playful delight, observing people, latest trends, catching up with our girls, trying on expensive stuff that we will one day be able to afford and distracting us from the rigors of our everyday lives. Equate our love for shopping with your love of sports and you might understand the enormity of it and why it's important to us.
We want you to acknowledge on a consistent basis that we are the best: Most of the time, we manage to breeze through life in the secure knowledge that we are the most fabulous woman on God's green earth. You have got to recognize that and articulate it as well. Checking out other women is mostly unacceptable and you must have a good reason for the rubbernecking. Good sentences to use include, " Her jeans are nice but they would look better on you." Your celebrity of choice Angelina Jolie, Beyonce etc. might be considered a good reason, but only if you don't fuss over us drooling on the very hot Paul Walkers of Hollywood.
We want you to be sexually competent: This is a very important subject. There are many things that you should be competent with, and these include but are not limited to foreplay, kissing, making out, oral sex, sex & afterplay. If you are lacking in certain aspects, or especially down there, make sure that you can make up for it in other aspects. My friend had a guy with a 3-incher tell her that he doesn't go downtown ever but it's perfectly fine for her to suck his little hot dog. Unacceptable. If you are incompetent, at least be a quick learner. Ask us what we want you to do and if you are doing it right. We won't be offended if you ask for lessons, actually, they might be quite fun.
We want you to acknowledge us your intellectual equal: Contrary to popular opinion, we are waaaay smarter than you guys, however, we just let you live in your own little world. Even though it would be an ego boost for you to think that you are very intelligent, don't assume that your babe is a dumb-bell because she has huge knockers or is blonde. Most of the time, we just act that way to help you feel better. If you knew the depth of our intellectual prowess, you would be stunned. So just act like you think that we are equal, engage us in stimulating conversations, wordplay and debates. Nothing stirs up passion better than a friendly argument.
We want an equitable division of interests: In most relationships, it's all about give and take. Women can be extremely supportive humans and we would like the same consideration. If we attend your basketball games, support your hobbies, and meet your friends, we would like the same in return. We promise to go lightly on the chick flicks and chick lits, but at least show that you are making an effort to be supportive of our interests.
We want you to smell good. Always: A little grooming effort goes a loooong way. Cheesy willies and smelly drawers are unacceptable. Even if you don't have cologne on, your natural smell should be appealing. So take a shower everyday. It wouldn't kill you.
We want you to accept our friends and family: Chances are, you might think that my best friend is a big flirt, but your disdain of her won't help our relationship. Picking fights with my siblings is MY job, not yours and you don't have to constantly tell me what a lecher my uncle is. Chances are, I already know all this, but these people are important to me. Respect that.
That's your basic crash course guys. Perhaps one day, you might gain admittance to the female mind a la Mel Gibson, but until then...just try to deal with this.
Anything to add ladies?
Culled from Baggage Reclaim.
Labels: Girl Talk
Posted by Vixen @ 10:23 PM ::
3 trainees letting it rip!
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Monday, January 09, 2006
Sex With the Ex
Sex with the ex is a topic that we could discuss for ages. We know that it's destructive, and yet we imbibe in it anyway. It's a trainwreck waiting to happen and yet we can't help ourselves. You feel that you are mature, and you can handle post relationship sex. You promise yourself that you won't get all caught up and get your emotions entangled in it, even though you know that you will anyway.
For some, sex with the ex is mainly used to hold on to him in a vain attempt that he might come to his senses and decide to work on the relationship versus bailing out. We do this to try and salvage the relationship, or what little is left of it. You have to keep in mind that using sex to control and have ties to him is kind of like a small bandaid over a huge gash. The bandaid won't hold, and blood will pour out anyway. Conversely, the sex isn't going to be enough to hold together a failing/failed relationship. It is human nature to want to hang on, and I don't blame you, but you have to learn to let go. That is the only way you can ever move on.
Perhaps you two have awesome chemistry, and he is the best lover you have ever had. That doesn't mean however, that he is going to be the best lover you will EVER have. Stop limiting yourself. You just have to be willing, ready and able in your next relationship/fling to unleash your inner vixen. It's all uphill from there! By staying with him, and having sex with him, you are actually limiting your horizons and your potential. It's already been established that he is a loser...so why don't you just try and move on to bigger and better things instead of hanging around the biggest loser?
You might have just fallen into becoming his booty call as a natural transition. You acknowledge that the relationship is dunzo, but there is noone else to have sex with, and you are petrified of a dry spell. He already knows your likes and dislikes and you don't want to go through the trouble of re-training another
dick guy. Get. Over. It. Life is not all about sex. A few weeks without getting any wouldn't kill you. However, if you feel that it will, my suggestion is to head to your nearest XXX store and invest in the Rabbit and good batteries. Although not a permanent solution, it will help you over the hump, and keep you from falling into bed with him.
You might just sleep with him to exert your influence over his life. He might have cheated on you, moved on and is already banging a new chick. This usually occurs when you are still in revenge mode and haven't achieved closure yet. Keep in mind that his new girl is getting YOUR leftovers, and they are really sucky leftovers at that. You don't have to go on a power trip just to throw it in her face. Unless she had something to do with you guys breaking up...but even then, he still gets to have a new girlfriend and free booty from his ex? Hell no, that is way too good for him.
You might be from the school of thought that any contact with him is better than no contact at all. But the contact you are having with him could wind up hurting you alot more than if you had just made a clean break. For starters, the sex isn't the same, and he is still a free agent. Do you want him to get his way, have his cake and eat it too? If he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, then he doesn't deserve you...in any capacity. Not as a friend, and definitely not as a booty call. Capishe?
Stop being a pansy and make a clean break. Stop taking his calls, his text messages and his idiotic attempts to get back in your good graces. You are done, over, kaput ~ recognize it and move on. Although it's hard, you have to associate him for the time being as your enemy, and cut him off completely. That way, you can move through the stages of loss and achieve closure.
Bad Girls don't do Recycled Men. End of story.
Labels: Break Ups
Posted by Vixen @ 5:44 AM ::
4 trainees letting it rip!
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Friday, January 06, 2006
Vixen's Guide to: Getting Stood Up
It's happened to all of us. We are primped, dressed and ready for our evening out, and for some reason of another, he doesn't show up. Sometimes, he doesn't even have the courtesy to call and let you know that he isn't going to make it. So how does a Baaad Girl deal with getting stood up?
30 minutes after the date time, I tend to either find something else to do (highly recommended), or change into my boudoir knickers and get set for some much needed Me time. If he does show up, he has alot of explaining to do and there is no way I'm going out with him that night (if ever again.)
For starters, let's examine some
possible excuses points of view.
Is this the first date?: With the fast turnover for internet dating, he might have got his wires crossed. Or mayhap you did. Were you supposed to meet him somewhere and you are home waiting? However, I've noticed that the cause for him to totally standing you up on a first date is that he is already intimidated by you. Somehow, you've managed to exceed his expectations already, and his overactive imagination has spooked him out of the date. Chalk it up and his loss and call the next guy on your list.
Did he have pre-date confirmation before the date?: I operate on the premise that there has to be a confirmation of any date before I even begin to get dressed. Let the guy know that he has to call you the day before or earlier in the day to confirm the date. Text messages and emails might work as well, but are not always reliable. Confirm details, where it's taking place, who is picking up whom, etc and maintain clear communication if anything changes.
Has he done this before? First of all, boohoo to you for giving a guy that stood you up for no reason a second chance. As a woman whose time is in high demand, you shouldn't even have gone out with him again to set a precedence. If he stands you up and calls to apologise, promising to make it up to you, take it with a grain of salt. If you do decide to go out with him, I would suggest not even getting ready on time and have him waiting on you. Nip the action in the bud, make some smart comments about it, then let it go. Don't let it color your whole evening...have fun, have drinks, let him pick up the tab, and you head on home (BY YOURSELF!).
Did he call you to cancel?: This is a big factor in deciding whether or not to give him a chance. If he called you earlier in the day to say that he was running late, and you were already expecting him to be late, then don't stress that much. If he called you early enough for you to be able to cancel the date and have a evening of fun with your other friends, then he might be forgiven. However, if he calls you AFTER your date should have already started or doesn't call at all, then babe, he didn't really give a hoot in the first place. Don't cut him any slack whatsoever.
Does he have a good reason? Most of the time, the
bastard dude doesn't. However, if he still wants to try to get in your pants, he might come up with some lame ass story. Don't fall for it. Unless it involved a car accident, his ghastly dismemberment/death, death in the family or some catastrophic natural disaster, and has supporting evidence for this claim, he is probably just yanking your chain. I love to see men wallow, so if he is kissing your feet and begging for forgiveness, please, don't stop him! When he is done, politely say, " I just don't think that you value and respect my time and if you can't do that, then I have to find someone else who does," and X him out of your life. If you still want to date him though, accept his apology, re-assess his dating potential and act accordingly.
Keep in mind that a guy that doesn't value your time doesn't value you as a person, and do you really want to be with someone that is always thinking about himself?
Culled from Baggage Reclaim
Posted by Vixen @ 1:10 AM ::
5 trainees letting it rip!
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Tuesday, January 03, 2006
To Be Booty or Not to Be Booty...
This is one of the questions I got from one of the readers who took the survey. What do you do when you realize that he just wants you for sex?
First of all, you have got to ask yourself what you wanted/expected out of him. If he is nothing more to you than a booty call, and if you just wanted him for sex in the first place, then the relationship might be equitable.
I say might because chances are he might not even satisfy you properly and you have to trade him in for another one.
It's a more crushing blow when you had higher expectations of the guy. If you had him in your mind as your next possible boyfriend, and then after he shags you he ups and dissappears, chances are this will annoy/perturb you. However, you have to realize that not everyone you think fits with you is actually the man for you. There can be a bunch of people that you are compatible with but only a significant few are truly capable of being your significant other. Chalk it up as his loss and move on.
You might think this is easier said than done, but you have to make it a priority to seek your needs first. Do not try and shape yourself into the mold of what he wants his perfect woman to be, if he wants a sex buddy, and you want something more, recognize this and don't settle for less. Don't put his needs ahead of yours. This works both ways. If you wanted from him nothing more than a booty call, and he wants more, let him know what your expectations are and don't acquiesce for his desires unless that is what you really want.
Just be yourself, focus on what you want from the relationship and if he's not the one for you, you have to get over it and wade back into the dating pool.
That's the beauty of dating...there are so many other fish in the sea.
Labels: Booty Calls
Posted by Vixen @ 2:46 AM ::
7 trainees letting it rip!
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Sunday, January 01, 2006
Happy New Year
Wishing you the very best of the season. May the best times of 2005 be the worst of 2006. Hugs and champagne all round. xxx
Posted by Vixen @ 12:28 AM ::
4 trainees letting it rip!
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