Wednesday, June 04, 2008

My new boyfriend and I have been dating for a couple days now. He came into the relationship by telling me his intentions very clearly so that if that wasn’t what I was looking for I could move one. Marriage and a family is what he's looking for now at this point of his life and so am I.

Just some background: We both came out of long term relationships at the end of last year (his was longer than mine). We’ve always known of each other for the last 8-9 years but also never really knew each other. We were often in the same circles and always said hi and that would be it until the next time we crossed paths.

We were in the talking phase for a little over a month before we decided to move forward into a relationship. Dating was very awkward at first because we haven’t dated outside of our past relationships in years. On our first date we were both very nervous so we hardly spoke, played with our food and had a lot of awkward silent moments, before the evening ended we both apologized for the awkwardness and blamed it on not having done this in so long that we may have forgotten how to.

Well since that first date we have been inseparable. We love being around each other and doing things together. I have met his parents and from what he said they loved me, he hasn’t meet my mother yet (she’s very active and wont sit still for 5 minutes).

I really like him and he says he feels the same and we both hope this great feeling isn’t just a phase. Now I want to know how do I keep from messing this up. I have already said a few wrong things (I tend to speak without thinking and have said a few things that made him look at me like he couldn’t believe what was coming out of my mouth).

• Respect.
• Communication.
• Intimacy.
• Trust.
• Being Yourself

I don't know what tactless thing you said to him that has you all in a tizzy, but if you aren't comfortable being yourself in this relationship, then I don't think it's the right fit for you. I'm totally tactless---I've always been the type to just gush what's on my mind. However it took a few revolving relationships to realize that it's just a part of me that I have to deal with. I've accepted that side of myself as a part of me, and so I expect my significant other to do the same. When I do put my foot in my mouth, I apologize for it and move on. It's not the end of the world to say the wrong thing at the wrong time---there is much worse going on in the world to make that a Great Event. If you don't make a big deal out of it, then hopefully he'll take the cue from you and not make a big deal out of it either.

Just think about these points. I'm glad that you've found someone that you connect with, but make sure that both of you are in it for the right reasons. And slow down, it's not a race to the altar, let things fall naturally. You both are putting too much pressure on each other and the relationship to be perfect, and the reality is that life isn't perfect. But the beauty of love is that if it's true and the real thing, it will shine through no matter what hurdles you encounter and what thoughtless things to say. So slow your roll baby girl and relax.

Good luck.

Labels: Dating, Marriage, Relationship issues

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Thursday, April 17, 2008

Why is He With His Mistress?

It's stories like this that make my eyes water and my head feel like it's about to blow up.

Here's my story, I'm an African single mother 27 yrs,my son is 7 yrs old. I have a pretty decent lifestyle; running my own event management business. I've been dating a 38yr old African gentleman (he's married to a white woman) race is only being emphasized because part of my question lies in it.

We've been dating for 3 yrs to date, he's always been supportive in every way....he's helped me greatly to start up the business I'm running right now. He takes care of my family's well being.....but it's never been about sex either, we hardly have it; we talk a lot we have a great friendship. Lately I have made a mental decision to keep myself away from him....why you ask? Because when you rock the boat a little, I feel a man wakes up...I think he tends to get comfortable with me. It's not a bad thing it's just I feel I stop being that special someone to him. He cares about me, although he's not so good when it comes to expressing emotions and stuff so the few times he verbalizes it but I wonder is there something more he's not telling me.

Over the the 3yrs we've been together I have had 2 confrontations with his wife (in which I never & never will confirm the relationship). Everytime she's called me all the vile names under the sun I've just not responded. First because.... I'm not looking to replace her. Secondly getting in I knew he was married and never expected him to leave her. Most importantly, he's never promised me anything along those lines even though there have been well known ruffles in his marriage. I just wanna stay far from the ruffles...and he's aware of that.

Still in these 3yrs I have mentally taken advantage about the various opportunities I have being with him, in turn I have upgraded myself/my family and our life style; I continuously put finances I get from him away for safe keeping...(u know, for my future) its just I actually do regard him as my partner, my man.

So I've kept myself busy for the last month, I guess he feels it because I don't call, text or e-mail like before I've mentally cut down on him, he's tried to arrange for a day out for us and unfortunately...'I've been busy'. I just want him to feel like he really needs me for specific reasons, that have more to do with us and not just his mood.

Look I know I'm his mistress & will continue to be....but I am human and just want some authentic reason why he's down with me the way he is. Do u think it has to do with the interracial marriage, his age, my age, his ego, our culture?

Okay mistress lady, I have to be brutally honest with you on this one. You are breaking the rules of the sisterhood by engaging in relations with a married man. Especially since you knew he was married when you started up with him. Before I get into the whole issue that you present, remember that marriage is a sacred vow between a man and woman and God (or whatever religious being) and you are invading that sacred vow. So you not only have to answer to her but some spiritual deity is waiting to hear your explanation as to why you would knowingly hurt another woman for your own pleasure and financial gain. Be that as it may, I am not judging you because everyone has their own level of morality and scruples, but I am stating that even I, with all my sexual freedom and enlightenment would never tangle with the higher powers.

It's surprisingly shocking to me that you sound actually proud of it. In addition to that you acknowledge that you've used and taken advantage of the situation by upgrading your family. Kudos to you for starting a business that helps take care of your son, but is this really the kind of example that you want to show him? That women use men to get ahead in life?

Jumping off the soap box, I really don't understand what your question is. He's with you because you are giving him something that his wife doesn't. It could be the intrigue, sex, excitement, attention or even someone to talk to. He comes to you when he wants to escape the reality of his existence. Perhaps it's even that you are black and his wife isn't. Maybe he likes that you are both from the same culture. I can't answer that question for him, but whatever it is, it's something that keeps him firmly entrenched at your side despite all the manipulative shenanigans you are pulling.

Reality check honey, you knew what you were getting into when you got involved. You need to stop thinking of him as your man and instead as your sugar daddy. You are a lesson in contradictions. You don't want to be his wife, but you want all the benefits of him being your husband. You want him only in the good times and when you feel like it. You need to understand that whatever his reasons are you are his mistress, so stop wanting to eat your cake and have it. You can't act like you don't want him but worry about his feelings for you. You need to sort through your confused feelings for him and understand that whatever that feeling is, you are still dealing with another man's wife and taking away from another woman's joy. And remember that karma can be a total bitch when she comes around to it.

You are acting like his part time wife, and then throwing a fit because he isn't fitting into your schedule. You are the mistress, the kept woman. You fit into his schedule and not the other way around. If you don't he will find another woman that will and all that money you've been stashing away will be used up pretty soon to pay up the bills. You are at his beck and call, that's what he's ponying up for.

He's getting to eat his cake and have it too. Unfortunately it's women like you that make men think that they can get away with doing whatever they want to with no repercussions for their selfish actions.

My advice is to invest in a real relationship that can truly substantiate your independence, your need to be loved, your womanhood and will be a better example to your child. Because, your son is the reason (or excuse) that you are using to justify your current actions and that is not the right thing to do.

Labels: Cheating, Girl Talk, Marriage

Posted by Vixen @ 4:13 PM :: 4 trainees letting it rip!

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Saturday, December 29, 2007

Formula to a Long Lasting Relationship

I was talking to my patient and his wife today, a couple that are still so sweet and loving even after 48 years of marriage. "So what's the magic formula to keep things strong?" I asked. Yes, it might seem a redundant question but her response was one that really tugged chords with me.

"Commitment. There is no out clause for us. We vowed forever and we will do everything in our power to keep that vow." She told me that they had been through some rough times, and there are moments that even she would want to pull his hair out. But she always reminded herself that she "went into this with my eyes wide open and will stay in it with my eyes wide open."

It just got me reflecting on how our generation is so ready to call it quits as soon as the relationship hits the skids or calamity strikes. We have become a generation of fast food relationships, where friends, family and loves are casually tossed aside when they no longer fulfill our needs or something better comes along.

Alot of my patients went through the depression, and they hold on to everything from a shoe string to a piece of tissue paper. What we view as waste, they store and keep for when it will be needed. But I'm getting off topic here...

Yeah, so the formula to a long lasting relationship by my lady in room 17;

• Commitment
  
• Good Communication--talk about everything, your thoughts, your actions, your motives etc. This will help you see where the other person is coming from.
  
• Never going to bed mad--and always have sex even if you are fighting. This shifts the energy of the argument and reconnects you.
  
• Don't be afraid to seek counseling or professional help

Oh, and if your guy is sick in the hospital, come with a cheery attitude, some good food and a smile. It will do wonders for his health.

Labels: Marriage, Relationship issues

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Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Why Get Married, part 3

I must ask though, how did you know that this is what you want to do with your life? Maybe I'm a little young but I've been wondering about the whole marriage concept, why do people do it and why do most people (not just women) have this general desire to be married? I have talked to a few people about it and the general answer is because they don't want to be lonely, but when did we/society become so dependant on the companionship of someone else?

Hey babe, did you read this and this post from last year? We discussed the whole getting married thing from both sides of the aisle and alot of solid points were raised that you might find interesting.

I think it's our human frailty and biological makeup to search for companionship. We want to believe that in this world of pain, grief, chaos and wars, there is one person that totally 'gets' us and will stand by us through thick and thin. As idealistic as it sounds, many of us were raised believing that the marital state is the end all and be all of every relationship. Most religious faiths are based on the unity of family, and growing up we saw examples of marital bliss. Our peers, families, media and society all send us the message that once we reach a certain stage in our life, we should settle down in marriage.

The tide has turned in the last decade however, with many prominent couples choosing to stay together and not get married, ex. Oprah & Steadman, Goldie & Kurt, Angie & Brad etc; in addition to the multitudes of couples who led the way.

Not only that, but recent polling proves that 51% of American women are happily single, fabulous and loving it. Part of this equation is the successful and fantastic 70% of African-American women who claim that they don't 'need a man' to complete them and are living independent lives with or without men.

Our generation has proved that we can be all and do everything we set our mind on as women, even surpassing previous records set by the guys themselves. We excel in the work place, in outer space, in the kitchen as well as the bedroom, and manage to multi-task and juggle a full life complete with responsibilities, children and bills. There are millions of single mothers out there who are proving that raising good children is attainable without a male figure.

However, every single one of these women will agree that nothing beats having the warm embrace of your man to settle into after a long, hard day. There is a biological connection between men and women, and as much as we fight it, at the end of the day it magnetically calls us like a siren to a sailor.

Mother Nature wants the Earth fully populated. And she is going to do whatever it takes to get you there, including filling us up with hormones & pheromones, making us both equally attracted to each other no matter how hard we fight it. Companionship is universally sought by all, it's an instinctual thing that has been prevalent since the dawn of time. It's always been there sweetie, as humans we crave that closeness and understanding...perhaps you just haven't noticed it.

Personally, I was raised believing in the sanctity of marriage, yet scoffed at the idea of getting married before I had done everything on my 30 things to do before I'm 30 list. In addition to that, I never thought I would find the right guy for me, so I decided to live life without the bonds of matrimony as happily and fantastically as I could.

However, as cheesy as it might sound, meeting the Boyfriend, the Fiance, getting to know him, realising our true connection and the depths of our love against all odds just further opened my eyes to the fact that it was a viable possibility within my grasp. If you had asked me 2 years ago, I probably would have been like you, more on the declaration of independence tip, than on the realisation that living single was great, but couple-hood is so much better. Getting married is just the icing on top of an already delicious red velvet cake.

To the happily single, what do you think of this? Do you plan to be married? Do you see yourself married eventually?

To the happily married, what made you decide to commit to this one person till death do you part? What makes you stay with them year after year? What makes marriage so frickin' great?

To the happily divorced, did you think your ex was the One when you married him? What are your thoughts about marriage? Do you think that you'll ever get married again? Knowing what you know now, if you could do it all over, would you have gotten married in the first place?

Further Reading:
Why Get Married?
Why Get Married, part 2

TECHNORATI TAGS: why get married/marriage/marry/relationships/love/sex tips/sex/men/women/vixen's articles/bad girls guide/the bad girls guide blog/sex advice/relationship advice

Labels: Marriage, Relationship issues

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Friday, March 30, 2007

Asking Him to Settle Down & Marry

Moxie has a post on her blog from a 39 year old lady that's been in a long term relationship for close to 7 years and is thinking of breaking up with the guy due to incompatibility issues. As usual, Moxie hit the nail on the head with her commentary but something in that story got me thinking. WHAT THE HELL TOOK HER SO DAMN LONG TO FIGURE IT OUT???

Granted not everyone knows from the very first moment they meet their significant other that this is it...but 7 years? You've gotta be kidding me. I believe that you should know within 6 months to a year max if you have a future with him. It's not as complicated as math...when it's right, you just know. For the fact that they were both waddling for years and years should have alerted her that something was seriously messed up in this relationship.

Sure, not everyone matures at the same rate, and he might be a great guy and all but not ready to get married yet. I'm not saying bum-rush him to the altar, but a little direction wouldn't go amiss. Remember, most relationship cues are taken from the other person. He's not going to bring it up if you don't because he doesn't want to get rejected or make himself more emotionally vulnerable. Women on the other hand, are used to dealing with emotions and letting it all hang out---and this is one of those instances that you might have to take the lead. You should have had the talk on what your long term plans are within a few weeks of your first year anniversary if not before. That way, you know where you stand in the relationship and where it's headed.

Most relationships crumble within the first year anyway, so if you are celebrating your first anniversary, there is definitely something that is making you two gel together. Once you are 100% positive that he's the One, and he's articulated his ardent love and commitment to you as well, you should be able to articulate something along the lines of, "I would marry you if you asked me." Or even, "I see myself happily married one day." This plants the idea in his mind that you won't reject him if he asked you...and that you see marriage in your future.

Mention it in a serious conversation and then let it rest. Don't make marriage a sore topic between you because that will eventually destroy your relationship. Focus your energies instead on savoring and enjoying your relationship and attaining more depth.

A few months later, drop a few more hints. Some guys do need more prodding and a serious discussion of your desire to settle down with him further puts the idea in his mind. I strongly believe that in 18 months...he already knows whether or not he's going to marry you. That is the ultimate time limit that I advocate, and that's because I feel it's long enough that he knows you well, and yet short enough that if he doesn't want to take the plunge, you don't feel like you've wasted too many years waiting for him.

The only reason that I can see for waiting any longer is if one of you is going through a life crises that needs all your emotions, support and energy to contend with. Anything less than that and he's just stalling you, waiting in the hopes that someone 'better' might come around. If this is the case, then you don't want to be twiddling your thumbs waiting for him for 7 years.

So express your intention to be married but don't make it into an ultimatum or demand. First, express to him how much you love him and how much he means to you. Tell him that you have to stay true to yourself and your desire to be married/settled. Calmly state that you understand his hesitance/issues around marriage and you are willing to work with him on that. At the same time, you have to know if he sees himself married to you and lay down a timeline that you can compromise with. Be sure to let him know that after that, you will have to follow your desires if he hasn't made a firm decision.

After that, stay your sweet self and let things go the way they will. If he's the man for you, he will realise this during the last few weeks you are giving him to think things through that he can't live without you and do everything to keep you. If he doesn't, follow through with your plan and as hard as it's going to be...you have to bid him adieu.

If not, you will be looking back 7 years later wondering why he still hasn't committed. And I will be slapping you upside the head silly and saying I told you so!

Labels: Girl Talk, Marriage, Relationship issues

Posted by Vixen @ 2:26 AM :: 4 trainees letting it rip!

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Monday, January 22, 2007

Cheating in Marriage

The Mistress has a very interesting discussion in her blog about cheating and infidelity in marriage. The question asked is...do men/women go into marriage having in their heads an 'out' clause that they might cheat in the future? Do they intend to eventually cheat, casting all the most sacred vows of marriage aside?

Recent studies reveal that 45-55% of married women and 50-60% of married men engage in extramarital sex at some time or another during their relationship. That means about 50% of couples are able to rationalize, justify or excuse cheating on their significant other, look them in the face, lie about it, sneak around and have sex with someone else. FIFTY PERCENT!

The reasons are sundry...and Mistress eloquently slashes every single excuse for cheating to shreds.

I’m sure I’ll snap out of this when I get married in 4-6 years (not a moment sooner dammit) but at this point, I can definitely admit that I’m incredibly idealistic when it comes to marriage. Marriage is SO SERIOUS! It’s the biggest commitment EVER outside of having a child (and we all know I want no part of that). Bottom line, I hold the institution in high regard.

I’d rather DIE than cheat on my husband (the one I don’t have yet), I think my relationship with him should come first no matter what, and I’m sure as hell not going to file for divorce the second he pisses me off. We are going to work on that shit TO DEATH before I submit to a divorce. That is a last fucking resort!

Is this a waning view or what? Why is the divorce rate so high? What the fuck is wrong with people? No one cares about commitments or fidelity anymore. I have countless friends whose marriages have suffered from infidelity....

It's a worthwhile read and thought provoking in the least. Feel free to join in the discussion there as well. Read the full post HERE.

TECHNORATI TAGS: infidelity/cheating/relationships/love/sex tips/sex/men/women/vixen's articles/bad girls guide/the bad girls guide blog/sex advice/relationship advice

Labels: Cheating, Marriage, Relationship issues

Posted by Vixen @ 7:42 PM :: 6 trainees letting it rip!

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Monday, August 21, 2006

Why Get Married, pt 2

Wow, there were ALOT of responses on the last post "Why Get Married?". If you haven't yet go ahead and read the comments on there. I didn't realise until I read most of your comments that alot of women in our day & age actually feel the same way I do. I agree, marriage does not automatically increase your level of commitment, especially in the disposable society we live in today. The saying, "Marry in haste, repent in leisure," is apt and does apply to alot of those shotgun weddings.

We've all heard stories of couples that have been together for several years, and then as soon as they tie the knot they end up breaking up. Or couples that marry within a few weeks/months of knowing each other and then...surprise, they are kaput a few short months/years later. Sure, the bad stories get the most airtime but isn't this a scenario that we all have heard about?

If the foundation of a solid relationship is not there, the relationship will not work out irregardless of your marital status. Marriage doesn't add the "holy blessing" to a sucky relationship to hold it together. Without a good foundation, it will just crumble like a stack of cards. In addition, every marriage, like every relationship has it's ups and downs. It's the strength of your bond that will eventually tide you through those rough times that illness, pain, betrayal, layoffs, midlife crises, death in the family, children and fate might bring.

Bear in mind there's also the whole thing of people changing with time. If you don't really know yourself, or are still in a "growing/finding yourself" stage, then it would seem ludicrous to promise forever when you know that you aren't guaranteed to remain the same forever.

At the same time, I do value the institution of marriage, as traditional as it may be. Even though marriage has gotten a bad rap in the last few decades (especially in Hollywood), I know that there is alot of credence to the values that the institution of marriage was built on. If and when I do decide to tie the knot, I want to be married decades down the future....as in the whole until death do us part....like Teri's parents and mine.

However, is it the whole finality of marriage that causes many of our generation to freak out about it? The fact that you are pretty much stuck with this guy and his stinky feet for the rest of your natural life barring divorce that causes us to shy away from it? Is it because our generation is Commitment-Phobic by nature and the whole 'forever' bit seems so...damn long?

Are we scared of tying the knot because in our heart of hearts, we want that Out clause a long term committed relationship comes with even though we might never use it?

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this one. Lots of question marks here!

Labels: Girl Talk, Marriage

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Friday, August 18, 2006

Why Get Married?

My mother got married when she turned 25. My grandmother when she was 20. However, here I am, way past my mom’s age and not even thinking about marriage. Why is it that couples and singles of our generation are foregoing marriage for cohabitation and long term relationships?

The institution of marriage was always one that was hyped from the moment you realised that boys were cool too. As kids I remember playing dress up and thinking of my wedding day with high hopes of getting hitched in my 20s. However, the closer I get to 30, the more I’m thinking that there isn’t a rush.

With the high and ever increasing divorce rates, marriage doesn’t seem like such a blissful happily ever after state. 50% of marriages now end in divorce. Fifty percent! And that number is still on the rise. No wonder Quarterlifers are scared of the altar.

In addition to that, our civilization has given us the tools to simulate married life without the “till death do us part” section. Couples can have bank accounts together, buy houses together, live together, all without even a trip to the altar. The convenience of cohabitation is there as well as the thought that in the back of our minds, if things don’t work out, we can always pack up and leave–no fuss, no muss.

Add to that our generation is living a more independent lifestyle than previous generations. Women are making big bucks, getting promotions and are able to adopt children/get pregnant without a man even in the mix. This also detracts from the draw of the wedded state.

There is also so much that we want to do as independents…travel, move cross country, get a post-graduate degrees, start-up our own business and just live carefree lives without adding the whole responsibility of someone else on our hands.

We know just from watching TV & our parent’s generation that marriage isn’t easy. But somehow, the other 50% who aren’t divorced manage to make it work.

Perhaps there’s hope for us after all.

Your thoughts?

Labels: Girl Talk, Marriage

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