Bad Girl's Guide

---------------oOo---------------

Monday, August 10, 2009

Self Sabotage in a Relationship

I had an interesting conversation with a friend a few evenings ago. The observation was that adults get so used to relationships not working out that when they do find a relationship that is good, one might 'self-sabotage' because you can't deal with not breaking up or having drama.

Personally, I used to feel that I had a relationship shelf life, which was around the 6 month mark. I never had a long term relationship, or one that extended past that time frame, and usually around the 6 month mark, there was always something the fractured the relationship.

I even brought this baggage into my present relationship, having the 'short-term' mentality and consciously making bad decisions because "this relationship isn't going to last anyway, so why bother?" The ironic part is that after passing the 6-month mark, I realized that this was the real deal, and I needed to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Norio saw the potential of 'Us' way before I did; and he was patient enough to keep it real, stay open and keep waving the flag of real love until I noticed...lol

The moment of realization led to other more complex ones, and I realized that if I wanted this relationship to be 'Real', I needed to stop self-sabotaging. I had to let go of my exes that I kept 'as friends', i.e. backup plans, I had to stop 'keeping my options open' and I had to let go of the mentality that this relationship was doomed to fail like all the others. It was only after passing this crux that I was able to achieve the intimacy, emotional connection and depth of a relationship that I've always instinctively longed for.

If you are so caught up in the bad habits of your past, are overly cynical and automatically assume that every guy is Mr. Wrong, even when Mr. Right is right in your face, there is the potential for you to intentionally, or unintentionally screw up the relationship if you don't let that baggage go.

Just. Let. It. Go.

Posted by Vixen @ 10:41 PM :: 2 trainees letting it rip!

---------------oOo---------------

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Rebound Girl Drama...the Long Version

I'm a freshman in college and I have never had a boyfriend and I am still a virgin. I've been "together" with guys before, but my relationships never last more then three months. I've recently realized that I am always the rebound or the girl on the side. But anyway your advice I will truly take to heart and I would extremely appreciate it.

I'll make this short, his girlfriend of 3 years broke up with him for another man just before i met him. He was extremely upset but told me he wanted nothing to do with her. We got close, i grew strong feelings for him, he told me he had strong feelings for me too but he just didn't want a relationship right away because he just got out of a 3 year one. 3 months pass and we're still "together". Then his ex-girlfriends new boyfriend dumps her and she runs back to him begging him to take her back. They start texting and hanging out again and he swears to me that its only on a friend basis and that he still liked20me.

Well a week later after telling me that, they get back together. I was heartbroken, i spent 3 months with him and trusted him enough to grow feelings for him. Out of absolute rage i text him when i found put he was going back out with his ex. He keeps on saying how they are already fighting and that he still likes me but doesn't think it would work out between us and he apologizes. I was so upset. He wanted to be friends, so i try to be friendly with him. But its hard for me because i couldn't let go of my feelings for him. So i try to explain to him how he has to keep his distance from me because i wanted to lose all my feelings for him. We still hung out and went to shows together, and then i realized how i was hurting myself because i still thought of him being together with me. He knew not to talk about his girlfriend around me.

This past Saturday i was in an extremely bitchy mood about the whole situation, him and his friends and I were hanging out. And i was driving them around and I told them how i was tired and wanted to go home. So he asks me to drive him to his girlfriends house. And I told him to walk, it was only three blocks away and drizzling out, but he had a jacket. He gets all pissed off walks away and throws something at my car and calls me a c*nt. I run over to him and tell him to never disrespect me like that. We start screaming at each other and i tell him how he deserves to walk in the rain after what he did to me. He tells me that he never wanted to hurt me, but when he got the chance to have the love of his life back he took it. And i told him that if he cared about me, he wouldn't of did that to me. Then he goes on to explain how he still likes me in more then a friend way and how they fight, and how he doesn't know why he is gong back out with her. And i tell him how i cant do this anymore, i tell him that we cannot be friends.

Now today I get a text message from him asking if were still going to the show together this Saturday because I told him how i didn't want to be friends with him. And i told him yeah, and i have him this long emotional text message on how i just said that because i didn't want to like him anymore and how i freaked out when he said he liked me, and his response was "uhhh..ok" and i got pissed yet again.

We argue again about the previous Saturday and he tells me how he doesn't like me anymore because i really pissed him off Saturday. And to my surprise i get actually upset and i apologize to him. So obviously I still want him. I dont know what to do, my mom and friends tell me to get rid of him, that he doesn't deserve me. But its so hard. Deep down i hope they break up again so me and him can get back together. But i don't want to be that girl. And were both friends with the same friends so no matter what I'm going to see him and i might actually get a job at where he works. I don't know what to do, i need your advice. Thank you if you take the time out to read this, i really truly appreciate it.

Labels: Ask Vixen, Break Ups, Relationship issues

Posted by Vixen @ 8:41 AM :: 1 trainees letting it rip!

---------------oOo---------------

Sunday, April 05, 2009

Introducing Your Man to Your Family

I've had all kinds of episodes with meeting families or introducing a guy I was dating to my family. Here are some tips that will help steer you in the right direction.

Don't bring him to a funeral...or wedding without meeting your family first. If it's a funeral, everyone will be sad and mournful, and it's not a conducive place for a meet. At a wedding, everyone will attach a greater significance to the relationship, and the WHOLE family will always ask about "that lovely young man you brought to Matt & Elsa's wedding", even years after you've broken up.
Talk him up first. Talk to your family about this guy, things he's done, why he's sweet, how he courted you, why you like him, etc. so that they are used to hearing about him. It will make them curious to see him in the flesh and they might actually arrange the meet.Avoid telling them about the problems in your relationship, anything you say will color their view, so color him lovely.
Don't introduce him to your family in an attempt to get him to marry you: Now that's awkward! Remember all those family dinners on the Bachelor, how farced they are...stay away. Just stay away.
Have him meet close friends/siblings/other relatives first. That way he will have a support system when he does meet your parents. Remember though, good news travels fast, but bad news even faster. If he belches/farts at Aunt Helena's table, your parents will hear of it and think he's a pig before even meeting them!
Introduce him as "the man I'm with". This suggests a level of committment and yet is broad enough that you can get away without going into the details of your relationship or your family asking him his intentions.
Dress him right. Presentation is key. I'm not saying go all out with a suit, but an nice button up shirt, tucked in and a clean pair of jeans goes a long way. Remember, your parents are from the 'old school' so ass-level jeans, flashy jewelry, tattoos on display and studs all over his face will do more harm than good.
Let him be himself. Do tell him what topics to stay away from, who the major players at the table are, and family undercurrents; but don't sit at his elbow whispering to him what to say. You're with a smart, honest, intelligent, funny guy--- just sit back after introductions and watch him shine. Remember, he's trying to impress you as well as your family, so watch how he interacts with everyone from Grandma Jane to household pets.
Be helpful: Even if your mom is not going to take him up on it, offering to set up, clear up, get drinks or do the dishes give him a nice shine. I have a mother of an ex that is still haranguing him for not marrying, "that wonderful girl that washed all the dishes on Thanksgiving."
Keep it short and sweet: The first visit is not supposed to be a long drawn out Inquisition party. It's just a formal introduction. I met Norio's dad for tea one evening, and that only took a couple of hours. The longer you are there, the more time you have for someone to say something wrong, someone to get drunk or some skeletons to jump out of the closet.
Don't makeout: Pecks are fine but please, no PDA in front of the parentals. This includes anything that should be best left to your bedroom including ass slapping/pinching, French kissing, sex and grabbing of genitalia.

Posted by Vixen @ 1:20 AM :: 4 trainees letting it rip!

---------------oOo---------------

Saturday, April 04, 2009

Introducing My Man to My Fam

Reflecting back on past experiences and relationships has made me really think about things that went right and wrong. I've been in a few relationships even a fairly long term one, but I have never introduced any of the guys I dated to my parents. I genuinely cared for the guys but I never knew how to go about doing that. I always felt like the entire experience would be really awkward and commitment wise it seems like a huge step. How did you introduce Norio to your family? Was the interracial aspect something that was a topic of concern? Did you ever introduce any of your past relationships to family? How did you know that it was the right time and step?

Here's a topic I've never covered, thanks for the question M.

There is alot of significance into introducing your partner to one's family. I can understand where your trepidation comes from and why it could potentially be an awkward event. Some families don't even bother to try and meet until the guy drops a ring on your finger!

Personally, my family has always been open to meeting people. My sisters have been bringing 'friends' home since high school, and my dad has been effectively cowering each one with his grufness (which is so funny, cos my dad is a total teddy bear, my mom is the one you should be worried about)!! I'm Nigerian, so my culture mandates this whole investigative process into the origins of the guy to determine his suitability before committment. It's a dual thing---I was once quizzed by the mother of my boyfriend if I had any diseases or madness in my family...that's how deep they go into the exploration!

Hence, I've introduced almost every single guy that I've ever knew, dated, crushed on or loved one way or another to my family. The only persons that never got the intro were the booty calls. Can you imagine saying, "Hi mom and dad this is my fuck buddy"...now that's awkward!

The level of significance attached to each person just depended on how into them I was at the time. I have always talked about my 'boyfriend' to my family, we're just real open like that. I'm closer to my mom and share certain details with her that I would never in a million lifetimes tell my dad, but they both have a sense of the guy and where the relationship is headed, at least from my perspective. As much as I hate it when they are right, they do have an uncanny sense into the ones that are totally all wrong for me and usually have warned me to watch out months before I notice the red flags!

Since my parents live in Nigeria and only visit in the US 1-2 times a year, and I used to go through boyfriends with a 6 month shelf life, most of the relationships didn't last long enough to meet my parents. Meeting my parents became a step of convenience rather than a mandatory one in a relationship. A few did however, and each maneouver just depended on who he was and how important he was to me at the time. There was no milestone, I just did it when it felt right, sounds cliche, yeah I know! Usually it depended on how I felt towards him, if we were in a monogamous, committed relationship and if I thought that he could possibly be in my future.

For example, take my first love. I met him in August, my first semester in college. My family knew of him when I went home for thanksgiving break and he called my parents to say hello on Christmas. He's Nigerian, there was no divide to cross, whenever my parents run into him now at social functions, it's still very cordial (and no, I didn't give my parents the dastardly details of how my heart got broken!).

The first non-Nigerian I introduced to my parents was African-American..once again, little steps. He met my dad after we'd been together for 6 months, and it was a big deal for the guy. My dad actually did the whole "break her heart, I'll break your legs" bit, which totally turned my boyfriend into jellyfish but had me laughing on the inside. It was a short visit, actually less than an hour, so there wasn't that much finagling to go on.

The first non-black I introduced to my mom was Norio, and this did have a bit more worry on my part. We had been dating for 9 months at that time. I had been talking about him to my fam for a while, he had met my aunt and uncle and totally hit it off with them, but I had the feeling that my parents would freak out because of his heritage. I actually schemed with my aunt and broke the ice first by having my mom watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding earlier that afternoon. All my worry was for naught because Norio was wonderful, and by the end of the visit, my mom and Norio were side by side on the sofa talking like they had known each other for a lifetime. They get along splendidly everytime she comes to the US.

Now my dad...I'm still on tenterhooks for that one. It's going to be in June when I go with Norio to Nigeria, Norio is going to be doing the whole official 'ask-the-father-for her hand in marriage' schtick.....I'll be sure to let you know how that goes.

Posted by Vixen @ 12:18 AM :: 1 trainees letting it rip!

---------------oOo---------------

Thursday, March 26, 2009

When He Doesn't Call: Again....

Here is a question that has been answered here, here and here, but I'll do it again just because darling girl sounds so utterly confused and new to this 'men not calling' phenomena.

I am seeing this guy who is really confusing me. We went out few times and it was great. I used to call him at least once at the beginning of the relationship but not often...but he used to answer and reply to my texts and also in return give me a ring but very rarely. it is the second day I have not called him and I haven't heard from him so I am thinking is he not into me at all. I did the same thing last time and he texted to asked why I have not called/texted and I said I was busy. I did that to make him miss me and call me and it worked at that time.

But i don't like games, if he is really into me i expect him to call me once a day at least. i feel like i am after him, if i don't call him, he wouldn't call or text till sometime. I know he likes me, when he is with me, he is too sweet and loving, he makes me feel really great!

How can i make him call me often? Because with me a relationship would only build with communication but if we rarely have communication i cant honestly develop any further relationship with this guy AND he is hurting and making me confused!

For starters, you are totally blowing this way out of proportion. This is a relatively new relationship, he's not obligated to call you everyday. Men don't use the phone as a social tool the way us girls do, for them, it's a means of communication period. "Hey, what's up. Let's plan our next date" not "Hey, how are you? What did you do today? Really? What are you thinking? Did you miss me?"....see the difference?

The fact that this is a new relationship and you are already psychoanalyzing and over-stressing can actually turn off the guy. They don't want a clingy, needy girl, and if you keep this up, you are heading down that road on a fast track. And please, drop the whole "I don't play games" shtick because if you didn't play games, you wouldn't have been playing the not-calling/I'm busy game when in reality you are sitting by the phone waiting for him to call you.

What you have managed to do is create a mountain out of a molehill. First, there is no definition based on your description to this relationship. You met this guy who you dated a few times and that is it. For him you are probably viewed as a good friend. For you, it has become something else. Perhaps the fault rests with you and not with him. Who is pursuing whom? From my experience, if a guy really wants to get to know you, even if he is shy, he will take the extra step to call and make contact. You have managed to get yourself emotionally connected to a person who probably only views you as a) a good friend b) a cool chick he hangs out with or c) a good lay (if you have slept with him).

Men are not as complex as we make them out to be. If he wants to pursue a relationship he will let you know. On the other hand, be careful what you wish for. Some men become stalkers in their quest to communicate with you and get to know you it turns into "control freak-dom". Stop emoting your need for love onto a person who obviously isn't ready for that sort of commitment with you. Think of him as a friend, call when you can or text when you can, but don't think of him as exclusively yours because he has not voiced that to you. And you are not exclusively his either!

If a guy wants to talk to you....he will call you. If he isn't calling, it just means that he's not interested in talking to you, plain and simple. There is no if, ands or buts about it. Stop playing these games with him, and obsessing over his calls or lack thereof. All that is just a waste of time and energy...energy that could be best put to use going out with your friends, shopping or even washing your hair!

Posted by Vixen @ 3:24 PM :: 0 trainees letting it rip!

---------------oOo---------------

Saturday, March 07, 2009

When He Makes You Feel Not Good Enough: Meet Melanie

I got this question from one my fav readers the other day...

I've been having a really hard time and could use some advice or support. 7 months ago I randomly met an amazing guy and started dating off the bat. He is an incredibly smart dedicated individual. In terms of relationships his views were that a relationship should consist of two people working together to help each other achieve there goals. He is a workaholic and indirectly expects the same from me. While I see nothing wrong in working hard, I am the type of person who doesn't see anything wrong with putting work aside for a few hours and going to see a movie or having a nice dinner once a week. He honestly reminds me of a robot sometimes. The sex is very to the point and seems like its just completing the human cravings for sexual gratification rather than any amount of affectionate making love.

I am having a hard time especially when he brings up his past relationships. He went to a school with a high prestigious ranking and had serious relationships there with girls who dedicated themselves completely to what they were studying and what they wanted to do with there lives. Honestly as much as I love myself; sometimes it gets really hard not to feel insignificant and worthless especially when I get reminded how dedicated everyone he admires is. I feel like rather than motivating me to work harder or be better it brings me down because he approaches it in such a critical condescending manner from insulting my school to throwing it in my face that I'm not a perfect student. He says he believes I have a lot of potential and wants to see my succeed but I can't shake this feeling of insignificant.

Lately I've been having an even harder time handling everything and being motivated to do anything. I got pregnant and am going through a miscarriage 8 weeks into it and even at this point in everything rather than be supportive and understanding to the fact that I'm having a hard time because I feel like i have no control over my own body and my hormones fluctuate through the roof it's just been a series of more pressure to work work work. It's hard being told that he thinks im Bipolar when in reality my hormones went insane and I honestly couldn't help it

I don't really know what to do. I feel very alone....

Gosh...I've been seeing all the relationship status changes on your facebook and always wondered but didn't want to pry. I know that there are 2 sides to every story but this guy doesn't sound like the right person for you. What he considers motivating is being overly critical, and him rubbing his Ivy League overly pretentious and entitled ambitious friends and self into your face isn't helping you grow, it's really beating you down emotionally.

It sounds like you are on the fast track to an abusive relationship, he's emotionally haranguing you constantly and making you feel less than what you are. He sounds like a Type A personality, and you are too warm-hearted to be in this world. The longer you stay in it, the more hurt you will become.

You two have only been together for 7 months, and it just sounds like one hassle after another. Look at the red flags honey--he's doesn't make love to you, he is a workaholic and expects you to be one too, he doesn't know how to have fun, he criticizes you and he wasn't supportive through your miscarriage. How many more red flags do you need to see before you see the writing on the wall?

Get out now before you end up more broken.

Here's the part that's gonna hurt. Are you sitting down? This isn't about him and how bad he has been, and how he tricked you into believing he was one way or another, this isn't about his opinions of you and how he isn't being supportive this is all about you.

Yeah! You!

It's about your perception of yourself and what you think you deserve. You know your personality and how you are deserves a person who is supportive, inspiring and a source of motivation, not derision, criticism and rancor. You don't need a drill sergeant as a boyfriend; you were doing good all by your fabulous self!

No one can make you feel worthless except yourself. You are the one giving him that power. Take your self respect back! If you have the kick-ass self esteem that I expect every BAD girl at this point to have, you would have not taken his shit from day 1, and set the precedence that you don't exist to be under his rule and foot.

I think that all the talk about his Ivy League girlfriends feeds into your own insecurities and how you view yourself in relation to other women in his life. This shouldn't even be a conversation you should be having with any guy. It's wholly inappropriate and you have to stand up for yourself and set the boundaries. It doesn't matter who your man has been with in the past, and how you measure up. You should feel that you ~~measure up~~ surpass them because he is not with them but with you.

You deserve a man that will cater to you, treat you well and respect you enough knowing that you are strong, independent woman. You've accomplished so much in your young life already, and have ambition and dreams about where you are going to go. You don't need a drill sergeant!

I think that what is going down deep inside isn't a question of whether or not you love him, but rather a dilemma of you not feeling like you deserve him. Sweets, let me tell you right now, you don't deserve him. He isn't the right guy for you. A man that talks down to you and makes you feel insignificant, who criticizes you and doesn't appreciate your successes, someone who doesn't support you in your difficult times---that is not the type of guy you deserve.

You can move on to the next level of self confidence by treating yourself to no relationship for a while. Try NML's No Contact Rule for starters. Enjoy being single and enjoy being you and then once you have embraced that you are unique you deserve a great deal, once you have identified the true meaning of loving "myself" for me---then, and only then, should you venture back into the dating pool. You have to have the right glasses to see a man for who he truly is and reject those that come with drama, red flags and heartache.

You will never be able to change him. You can never change a man! A man will only change when he wants to. Did you really envision your life like this? Did you really think that this was the type of guy that was right for you? Seriously?

Get of this nutty roller-coaster. Heal yourself physically, emotionally, mentally and all the other -llys that he might have hurt. Remember he is the one that was lucky to have you in his life not the other way around.

Good luck!

Labels: Ask Vixen, Break Ups, Relationship issues

Posted by Vixen @ 1:54 AM :: 2 trainees letting it rip!

---------------oOo---------------

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Living Together Before Marriage

I had this question asked to me at a party recently, and my viewpoints totally started a firestorm of controversy. Personally I have no problem with Cohabitation, it's worked out great for me, and if I could do it all over again with Norio, I definitely would (but I would pick the apartment next time;).

Everyone else in the group was vehemently against it. The population was a group of uber-religious Christians, so maybe that was a skewed demographic. But I do want to test the opinions out there.

What do you think of cohabiting? Do you think it helps or breaks the relationship?

I moved in with Norio a year after we started dating. He was the first guy I ever moved in with and it seemed the natural step in our relationship. Of course there was some conflict, for example, I'm a night-owl and he's a day bird...but as we adjusted our habits, gave each other space, respect and communication we were able to successfully navigate the waters.

I wouldn't marry someone that I hadn't lived with first. You never really get to know someone until you are in their face 24/7. You are forced by the closeness to develop a deeper intimate relationship; and when you have conflict, you have to deal with it (instead of each person going to their own apartments and then ignoring the issue later on). You find out things about the other person that you never really knew, things that might be dealbreakers for you in the future. You figure out how to manage money, cooking and household tasks and what you each think your gender roles and expectations are. Sure, you could do this in the first year of marriage, but what if you move in with your new husband and absolutely hate living with him? What do you do then?

Studies claim that couples that cohabit don't often make it to the altar (about 42% don't eventually get married.) I think that's a good thing, because they realized sooner rather than later that they weren't compatible and broke up. Better they split while they were cohabiting then after marriage, joint mortgage and a passel of kids.

The group also claimed that studies show that people that cohabit don't get married ever. While they were throwing inane statistics around, they also said that cohabitation leads to early divorce (before the 3 year mark of the marriage).

It's interesting because while Googling these supposed facts (which most are touted by other religious 'living together is a sin' groups), I came across a bunch of other facts that they didn't even realize.

In France and Germany cohabiting couples have a slightly lower risk of divorce. So maybe the divorce in the US is a cultural thing versus because of cohabitation. After all, we live in a disposable society, with a belief in starter marriages, quickie weddings and Vegas hookups. America thrives on the premise of instant satisfaction, and many people don't take into account that a relationship takes real work.
If cohabitation is limited to a person's future spouse, there is no elevated risk of divorce. Take that! So as long as he's the right guy, there isn't a risk of divorce. I wouldn't move in with a guy that I didn't think was the right guy anyway!
In the U.S., cohabiting couples taking premarital education courses or counseling are not at a higher risk for divorce. So the reasons cohabiting couples divorced probably wasn't related to the Cohabitation but related to the fact that they were unable to navigate communication, trust and respect issues; a foundation that everyone knows is intrinsic to any good relationship. Counseling is an asset to any serious relationship.

The group also went into the whole Sex Before Marriage thing (which is a post for another day *roll-eyes*).

So what do you think about Cohabitation? Would you ever do it? Have you done it? What has happened in your relationship when you shacked up? Was it worse, better or about the same. Do dish.

Posted by Vixen @ 4:21 AM :: 9 trainees letting it rip!

---------------oOo---------------

Thursday, June 12, 2008

When He Doesn't Want You to Spend Time With His Kids

I'm not sure what to do about my current boyfriend of one year. He is 36 years old with two children; a daughter 3 years old and a son 14 years old. He has also previously been married to his daughter's mother and shares joint custody of both his son and his daughter. I am 28 years old with no children and have never been married.

My boyfriend is an awesome, dedicated, responsible father. He also is very dedicated to family, and took two of his nieces under his wing as his daughters seeing as though they have no father figures in their lives. He spends countless hours coaching, going to plays, concerts, vacations, having sleepovers at his house, etc..doing what he is supposed to do as a father and I respect that. He makes sure that his kids spend the majority of their nights in his home as opposed to their mothers, and he often tells me that he does everything for all the kids and his nieces and it's hard being a single parent.

My issue is, he doesn't involve me in anything to do with his children or his family. I've had brief encounters with them and his son knows who I am, but nothing more. He says he will not subject his children to seeing him around me because children become attached and if things don't work out he'll have to explain that to them. His sister and his parents ask about me but I have never met them. He also never invites me into his home. I feel as if he has one life for children, family and friends..then a totally separate life for me. I don't appreciate this because we are not in the first few months of this relationship anymore, we are 13 months in. He spends time with me in my home, he has hung out with me and my friends, my parents ask about him and for him all the time, and I love having him in my life. I make it a point to do whatever, whenever for him and I "take the back seat" often times for the sake of respecting his life. However I just feel like something isn't right. I don't doubt that he is a good man, because he is respectful of women, he doesn't associate with certain people or hang out in certain places, and he is educated, well known in his community and he is a Mason. He also has expressed to me how he feels about me and compliments me to no end. My friends think I'm a lucky woman and we can't keep our hands off of each other when we spend time.

However, am I wrong for wanting to go on dates with my man, and spend nights at his house? Am I supposed to back off and take a backseat until all of his children are grown? I feel like I can never make plans with him or expect him to do much more for me past sex, and eating my food when I cook or hanging out on the couch at my apartment. I want the traditional relationship that I feel I deserve. I want conversations, and when I call he often feels as if I am "nagging" him because I want to express how I feel.

Should I take a loss with this one and split? Or work on it? It's been over a year and I really like this man!

Okay hun this is going to hurt---chillax! Chill the fuck out! It's not a problem that he's not bringing you around his kids, it's a BLESSING! It shows that first of all, he's a good father that doesn't want to expose his children to the revolving door that dating can be, and that he's prioritizing them as he should. In addition, he's showing that he respects your relationship and wants it to grow normally without external factors aka drama ville and playing the Stepmom. There will be time in the future for that, but right now, you should be glad he's not using you as a built in babysitter.

You get to savor the time spent with your man one on one without kids in the background demanding his attention. This is a bonus~~trust me! You can walk around naked or in your sexy underthings and throw down in the living room, washing machine and kitchen whenever your heart desires. There aren't toys and stuff laying all around and you aren't fighting for his attention when he's with you.

Now about him taking you to meet the parents, that is something that he probably isn't comfortable with yet. There is no time line for meeting the parents, once again it's not something that should be rushed. It could be that his parents are attached to his ex and he doesn't want to expose you to the censure. He could be trying to ease things slowly and get them used to the idea that he's seeing someone else. It could also be that his family are from the old school, and meeting the parents is a declaration that he wants to marry you. Perhaps that's a step that he's not ready for yet, and doesn't want the added pressure from his parents. This is not something that should break your relationship..in fact, it shows that he doesn't need approval from his family to be with a woman that he loves. Another good sign.

I sense that your greatest fear is that you are like his secret girlfriend, the one he sees on the side that noone knows about. This is a legitimate concern, but he's already introduced you to his son. He wouldn't have done that if he was hiding you (trust me kids talk!) And he's talked about you to his family already. Another good sign.

His ex might be the baby mama from hell who tortures any woman that comes around him or her kid. She might have the mentality of "If he won't have me, then he can't have anyone", and experience might have shown him that it's better to keep it separate, for your safety and his peace of mind.

He doesn't sound like the shady sort. He doesn't sound like he's not into you---in fact, he carves time out of his busy life to spend time exclusively with you. These are all good things. Due to all the responsibilities and obligations that he has, it sounds like he's dealing with them quite well, and I sense that you actually respect that about him.

The main thing that I can advise is that you tell him that you would like to spend more time with him. Acknowledge that you love his company and although you don't mind taking the backseat once in a while, it's important for you to feel like you have a man in your life as well. Put your emotions and needs in the forefront of this conversation. He's so used to putting everyone else first and you are falling probably into 4th or 5th place. Tell him you want to have a date night once a week, and another day that is exclusively just you. You aren't asking for too much by telling him that you want more attention.

Other tips for carving time out would be to go for the coaching games, since he spends so many hours there, and be his own personal cheerleader (don't forget to wear a cute outfit). Although his mind will be at the game, you get to be close to him, and this might be a good way to meet more people in his life in an informal setting aka his friends and family. Take a good book or magazine in case it gets boring and you don't even have to stay for the whole thing. Just your presence for a few minutes there is enough to get the message across. Find something that both of you do together. Since he seems to be active, find a couple sport like tennis or take hikes together. You don't have to limit yourself to waiting for his schedule to fit you in. Call him up, ask for his availability that week and plan something fun. Even if it's just a picnic, at least it's something new that you two are doing together.

He sounds like he's a great guy and I would hate for you to lose him because you are hung up over issues that aren't a big deal. Just relax, take initiative in how you spend time with him, and don't be in such a rush to meet everyone. It will happen when it happens and just make sure that whoever you meet, you remain your gracious, respectful self, and it will all be good.

Good luck!

Labels: Baby Mama Drama, Relationship issues

Posted by Vixen @ 12:27 AM :: 4 trainees letting it rip!

---------------oOo---------------

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

When You Say the Wrong Thing

My new boyfriend and I have been dating for a couple days now. He came into the relationship by telling me his intentions very clearly so that if that wasn’t what I was looking for I could move one. Marriage and a family is what he's looking for now at this point of his life and so am I.

Just some background: We both came out of long term relationships at the end of last year (his was longer than mine). We’ve always known of each other for the last 8-9 years but also never really knew each other. We were often in the same circles and always said hi and that would be it until the next time we crossed paths.

We were in the talking phase for a little over a month before we decided to move forward into a relationship. Dating was very awkward at first because we haven’t dated outside of our past relationships in years. On our first date we were both very nervous so we hardly spoke, played with our food and had a lot of awkward silent moments, before the evening ended we both apologized for the awkwardness and blamed it on not having done this in so long that we may have forgotten how to.
Well since that first date we have been inseparable. We love being around each other and doing things together. I have met his parents and from what he said they loved me, he hasn’t meet my mother yet (she’s very active and wont sit still for 5 minutes).
I really like him and he says he feels the same and we both hope this great feeling isn’t just a phase. Now I want to know how do I keep from messing this up. I have already said a few wrong things (I tend to speak without thinking and have said a few things that made him look at me like he couldn’t believe what was coming out of my mouth).

For starters, I think you two are hitting fast forward on the relationship. It's okay to know where you want the relationship to go, but the truth of the matter is that it's better to enjoy the journey and not just race to the destination. You've only been seeing him a few days/weeks and you are already meeting the parents? In a hurry much?

Slow it down.

Spend time with each other to get to know each other. Ease out of that awkward phase (which is normal btw), naturally into a true friendship. You barely know him and you are already talking about marriage. Doesn't this strike you as a red flag? Personally I would like to be proposed to because he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and not because he's trying to fit me into his "marriage and kids" timeline.

Another concern for me is that you both just got out of long intense relationships a few months ago. Have you really given yourself enough time to heal and get over the ex before rushing into Mr. Next? It's easy to want to replace the feelings of closeness you had with your ex with someone else right away, loneliness sucks. I'm not calling this a rebound thing but if the shoe fits...it's just something to think about.

The basic cornerstones of any relationship are as follows.

Respect.
Communication.
Intimacy.
Trust.
Being Yourself

I don't know what tactless thing you said to him that has you all in a tizzy, but if you aren't comfortable being yourself in this relationship, then I don't think it's the right fit for you. I'm totally tactless---I've always been the type to just gush what's on my mind. However it took a few revolving relationships to realize that it's just a part of me that I have to deal with. I've accepted that side of myself as a part of me, and so I expect my significant other to do the same. When I do put my foot in my mouth, I apologize for it and move on. It's not the end of the world to say the wrong thing at the wrong time---there is much worse going on in the world to make that a Great Event. If you don't make a big deal out of it, then hopefully he'll take the cue from you and not make a big deal out of it either.

Just think about these points. I'm glad that you've found someone that you connect with, but make sure that both of you are in it for the right reasons. And slow down, it's not a race to the altar, let things fall naturally. You both are putting too much pressure on each other and the relationship to be perfect, and the reality is that life isn't perfect. But the beauty of love is that if it's true and the real thing, it will shine through no matter what hurdles you encounter and what thoughtless things to say. So slow your roll baby girl and relax.

Good luck.

Labels: Dating, Marriage, Relationship issues

Posted by Vixen @ 12:48 AM :: 0 trainees letting it rip!

---------------oOo---------------

Friday, May 30, 2008

When You Are Too Young to Be a Step Mom

I asked for questions...and boy did I get some questions. Alright, this is probably going to take me a while to get through all of them, so if your question is super urgent, please email that to me that it is so I can address it first. Here is the first one I got a couple of days ago.

I'm a 21 year old college student who recently got out of a 2.5 year relationship. I'm out there enjoying the single life, and thankfully I know just what I want in a guy and what is a dealbreaker. (And, of course, I keep my booty call in check! :P ) Here's my question - I recently met a guy that I'm starting to feel strongly for. He's got everything I like in a man - intelligent, funny, great looking, steady job, the works. There's just one problem. He's older than me - 33 - and this does not bother me one little bit (I've always dated older guys and I've never heard that I was "too young" for any of them), but what does make me nervous is that he has a 10 year old daughter. Kids aren't a dealbreaker for me either (a concern, but not an absolute can't-do-it), but there's just something about the fact that I'm closer to HER age than HIS, know what I mean?I'm trying to put my thoughts together about it, but I was hoping you'd have some insight into a weird situation. I'll admit, I really like this guy and I secretly hope you'll tell me this isn't going to be a big deal.

Do you want the truth or do you want the sugarcoated version? You have to follow your intuition, and your sixth sense is telling you that this is going to be a big deal. I'm not as worried of the 10 year gap between you and Daddy dearest, because you are going into this with your eye's wide open. You've dated older men before, so you know the pitfalls and hurdles that you are going to cross.

However, when you add a child into the mix things start to get dicey. If the relationship works out and you end up with this guy for several years, then you will have a larger responsibility towards his offspring than you do now.

You have to walk into these kind of relationships with the understanding that you are possibly going to be her step mother and that you will be in your late 20's when she hits the terrible teens. Can you handle that kind of responsiblity? Because this decision is more and more about the child and less and less about you. How much of your life have you fully experienced before taking on this monumental role? What kind of advice can you give her? What have you accomplished for yourself? Do you even know yourself and have you grown to your own potential? These are questions you need to ask before you can even think of taking on such a huge role in her life.

Don't get it twisted, you aren't signing up to be her mom. She already has a mother. Your role will be more like a cool aunt than anything, but what are you going to do when she backtalks you, disrespects you, monopolizes time with Daddy dearest or trashes your stuff? It's going to be like having a little sister around, except this sister you can't beat the shizz out of when she gets on your nerves.

Getting involved with single parents isn't the same as getting in a relationship with someone without kids. It's a whole another level of communication and patience that you will need to deal with all the hurdles that it involves. The dynamics of the relationship are different---you aren't going to be number 1, his child will always come first, and you will have to sacrifice alot more than you realize. There is also the issues with baby mama drama (if he has any). It's alot to sign up for and I'm not sure if at 22 you are experienced enough to handle all the problems that will arise.

At the same time, I'm an advocate for following your heart. So if you feel in your heart that this is the right guy for you, and you think that he's worth all the stress, angst and drama you are going to go through, then by all means stand up for your man. Word of warning, it's going to be hard---really, really hard. Personally, I would cut my losses and back out. Remaining friends and being a supportive "adult figure" in the child's life is better and more permanent than being just another girl that fucks her father and makes women in relationships look bad.

Talk to your significant other. I don't know how long you two have been together, so this line of thought might even be premature, but if you think that you want to have something longterm wtih this guy, you are going to have to confide your fears to him to see what he thinks. For all you know, he might not even want you to interact with his child at all until the relationship is more solidified.

Listen to your intuition. It's not steering you wrong. Good luck.

Labels: Baby Mama Drama, Relationship issues

Posted by Vixen @ 1:29 AM :: 0 trainees letting it rip!

---------------oOo---------------

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Unrequited Love

I've had a few crushes in my day, and even felt the scourge of unrequited love. Ooooo, the quagmire that is unrequited love. It's such a deep one, a hole that you aren't sure how you got into and know that it's going to be hell to get out of.

It might start innocuously, perhaps you two were just friends, or maybe he even had a girlfriend when you met him. But with a deft hand of Fate you start catching feelings for him, and this is where things start to get dicey.

For starters, guys totally love it when we are all googoogaga over them. Especially your average guy that doesn't get all this attention in the first place. He's flattered by the attention, his ego is stroked on a constant basis and trust me---he does see your antics and seduction techniques. He might act like he doesn't notice, but he actually does but doesn't want to say anything because it might be an uncomfortable scenario or he doesn't know what to say. So he says nothing and lets you continue in your quest to claim his heart.

Being that I'm a big believer in the school of thought that makes me want to be the pursued instead of the pursuer, there is no way that I can even advocate the pursuit. See when you do the chasing, you reverse gender roles and effectively shift the dynamics of the relationship. Sure, it's thrilling and out of the ordinary for them to get asked out and he might say yes just because he's a nice guy, but wouldn't you wonder if he would have asked you out if you hadn't thrown yourself at him? Would you want some guy to agree to date you out of pity?

Another thing I hate about unrequited love we end up making fools of ourselves in the name of love. There are things that I have done and have seen my friends do that to the normal Bad Girl screams desperation and low self-esteem. You might think that you are fighting for your chance at love, but the locker room story is that you are the desperate, clingy chick accepting crumbs of attention from him. 'Nuff said.

And even worse, is standing by waiting in the wings for him to notice you, while he's off dating someone else. Won't that twist a knife in your heart every single time you see the happy couple together?

If you are already in love with a guy that isn't yours or giving you the time or day, please take a step back and analyze the situation. Cut that drama out of your life asap. It's just a recipe for disaster. And just because there is that one story of unrequited love gone right doesn't mean that it will happen to you too. The man that is right for you will be the one chasing you.

Sometimes we are so busy pursuing someone else that we don't even notice the man that is falling in love with you.

Posted by Vixen @ 5:46 AM :: 3 trainees letting it rip!

---------------oOo---------------

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

On Being the Perfect Girlfriend/Boyfriend

Years ago I had a boyfriend that fit the classic role of every single romanticized version of 'boyfriend' that a girl could think of. He was attentive, brought gifts, showered praises and compliments, listened and let me orgasm first. I was so caught up in the new stages of the relationship that it took several months for me to figure out that something was 'off'.

See my intuition was screaming that there was something wrong with this guy, that there was a mask that he wore around me and that he wasn't his true self. It took a lot of reflection for me to look past the romantic walks on the beach and flowers to even see that he was pretending. And when I peeled back the layers, I saw more than he was letting on. Sure he did like me, but he was also caught up in performing a role that he left out the part about being himself. His real self was still in love with his ex-fiancee and 'forcing himself' to move on because he felt that he should. *Cue rebound girl music*

I used to be so caught up in being the 'perfect girlfriend' that I didn't realise until much later that I wasn't being myself. I was being the image of the girlfriend that I thought my exes wanted denying my true identity and morphing into a Barbie prototype girlfriend. This of course had to backfire a few times before I realised what the problem was.

Every relationship is unique because it's two different people with different personalities connecting and trying to keep their identities intact yet meshed. It's also a power struggle because as humans we like to exert our superiority over others---even people we profess to care about and love.

The beauty of a mature relationship is that both partners are over the honeymoon phase, and still fully committed to each other. It's like you let your hair down, can use the bathroom at his house and both of you let your feelings fly without coating anything with saccharine sweetness. You both can honestly let your emotions out about anything and everything under the sun and having an argument doesn't break the relationship---it just makes it stronger.

Alot of people are afraid to drop the act and step out of the comfort zone, but once you let those shields down and let your true self out to play, then you are telling him/her that you trust them and in their ability to love you just the way you are.

And isn't that what you want anyway? To be loved for who you are and not the mask you are protraying?

Posted by Vixen @ 12:17 PM :: 1 trainees letting it rip!

---------------oOo---------------

Monday, May 05, 2008

Love At First Sight

Do you believe in love at first sight? Have you experienced it – and was it “the real thing” or lust?

After last week's TMI, I got an email from a reader that was utterly surprised that I don't believe in love at first sight.

This belief I had when I was in my teens, but somewhere between my first heartbreak and my last, I realistically came to the conclusion that there isn't such thing as love at first sight. It's a romanticized Hollywood media version of what love could be but not the pragmatic view of what love really is. How can you claim to love a person when you don't even know a thing about them?

I'm sure there are numerous stories of people that claim 'love at first sight', but when questioning them on what they loved about the other person, they would respond and say it was a physical attribute or the way they moved. That's not love darling, that's attraction. Attraction occurs in the first 3 seconds of meeting someone. It's this attraction that prompts you to go over and talk to them and try to get to know them. Attraction is instinctual and can be deep, often mixed with feelings of eros, desire and passion. However attraction is not love. Love is too great and grand to be simply just one dimensional like that.

To fall in love is not just a delight of the eyes, it's a connection of the spirit, a conflagration of all your inner psyche meshing to cry out that you love. It's a feeling that starts off so tiny you barely recognize it and then grows daily and the more time you spend with the person. We fall in love with each other's characters, with our personalities and with the people we see them as.

So how about you? Do you believe in love at first sight?

Labels: Hot Seat Tuesday, Relationship issues

Posted by Vixen @ 12:26 AM :: 4 trainees letting it rip!

---------------oOo---------------

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Standing by Your Man When He Is Wrong

How do you show your love and support for your significant other when you know he's doing something totally wrong, making a foolish decision or acting immature?

My mom had this down to a science. She wouldn't involve herself in the scene, but moments later would take my dad in private and have a talk with him. This talk would be in a neutral tone, one that gave him a better insight to the fact the he was being a total dick and tips and advice how to improve the situation. (I'm sure she never called him a dick either)

It's hard in the heat of the moment to do this though. Some guys think that loyalty and respect means blindly following wherever they lead. However being that they can be bullheaded and stubborn also means that they can be wrong. It's easy when you are caught up in an argument or situation to take sides that advocate the better outcome for your beloved, but when feelings get in the way it turns into a situation that is less about the issue and more about your trust for each other.

Guys want a 'ride or die' chick. The Bonnie to their Clyde. As fictional as this may seem, for some reason, they actually believe that they want a woman that will stupidly stroke their ego when they are acting stupid and will follow wherever they lead.

Okay, whatever. I love Norio with all my heart but I wouldn't stupidly endanger him or my family in an irrational decision like throwing everything away in a Bonnie moment. Someone has to be the rational party, the logical thinker, the one that picks up the pieces. I would be the woman that holds down the fort while Clyde is serving years in the Penitentiary and then come take him home.

The worse thing to them is feeling that when the whole world is against them, and so is their girl. At the same time, it's hard for us to show blind loyalty when it's obvious that he's making a wrong decision. It's called Women's Intuition for crying out loud, and it's there for a reason! I guess taking him aside is the best solution, but what if you are in the heat of the moment and there is no time to side bar?

What do you do then?

Posted by Vixen @ 3:18 AM :: 2 trainees letting it rip!

---------------oOo---------------

Monday, April 14, 2008

When Your Friend Dates His Friend

I got a question from on of my matchmaking readers recently that had set up her coworker with her boyfriend's best friend. The summary is that the 'new' relationship isn't going that well, the best friend and coworker are in a weird funk and he's basically emotionally unavailable while she's acting all desperate pouring attention, money and time his way even though he's showing her that he's not that interested. The coworker is creating drama for the foursome. However, read more for the details.

Anyways, this past weekend I celebrated my birthday dinner by going out with a group of my girlfriends including her. Once at the dinner table she decides to tell me or make a comment about why her "friend" and my boyfriend decided not to come. Little did she know, I already knew why my boyfriend wasn't coming. She then comments that my boyfriends boy told her it was "bourgeous" and that my boyfriend said it was "not worth it". When I talked to my boyfriend a few mins later I jokingly said to him "I heard dinner wasn't worth it". lol. He got HEATED and demanded to talk to her automatically knowing it was her who said it! He was ready to cuss her out for repeating info incorrectly as he said he never made that comment. A few mins later, she gets a call from my boyfriends boy and he BLASTS her by phone in defense of my boyfriend! She was so mad she didn't speak to me for the rest of the evening and even left the table for a good 20mins!

My question is, if this guy is her "boyfriend" or whatnot, why did he call her up and blast her?! Why did she get an attitude, when I told her I wasn't mad, it was my bday and who cares if the guys are mad? Why didn't he come eat with her? How should I handle affairs dealing with my boyfriend, his boy and her? They have been best boys for almost a decade, my boyfriend and I have been together for a year, and she's only been around for 60 days! Who's trippin?

As much as we love to matchmake our single friends, this is a classic example why we shouldn't. After the first date, you should have stayed out of their relationship. Their business is not your business and just because you set them up doesn't mean that you have to be a staple to their relationship. I get that your boyfriend and the guy are friends and that friends talk, but adding your 2 cents and advice is a recipe for drama. It turns into a classic scenario of he said/she said that will always escalate into something else.

This is alot of hype over nothing. Honestly, who gives a shit about your boyfriend's boy and his relationship? You are just putting your nose inside a can of pepper for no reason and this will end up costing you your own relationship if you don't butt out.

From the beginning of your letter, the new chick is significantly younger than your crew. She is 22 and you all are in your thirties right? Even though it's just a few years, she is in a totally different life zone than you all are. Added to that, she's experiencing rejection and all the dramatic feelings that come in with it. Throw in a few double dates where she sees the great relationship you and your boyfriend have and that is just more envious feelings in the mix. This coworker of yours has self esteem issues and relationship issues of her own, but it's not your business. Let her be. I get that you feel that because you are the 'reason' they got together that you are in the mix, but it's not true.

It sounds to me like she is really jealous of the relationship that you three have, she feels threatened by it and she wants to splinter it in some way. She wants her guy to 'pick' her and stand with her, but he's not doing that. She really did escalate the situation far more than it needed to be, however where it stops is with you. She is your coworker, not a close friend and you are investing waaaay too much energy in her relationship. You need to back the fuck up and keep her at arms length.

Adopt a hands off policy. I would totally stop double dating and hanging out as couples. Also I would suggest your boyfriend to clue his buddy into the fact that she's totally into him. His buddy needs to decide if he wants to be with her or not and take a firm stance on it. He's being wishy/washy just going with the flow, and that isn't helping the situation.

With this debacle, you already knew that your boy wasn't going to be there. You have to keep your own happiness and relationship in the foreground because that's really what matters anyway. You didn't need to engage her emotions. However what's done is done. You all can learn from this. Just because you are all friends doesn't mean that you need to be privy to each other's relationship. Establish some firm boundaries and stick to it.

Remember, any relationship or friendship that takes you away from the intimacy and love in your own in not worth having. Take this as a lesson learned, cut the ties and leave the two alone.

Good luck.

Labels: Ask Vixen, Girl Talk, Relationship issues

Posted by Vixen @ 3:47 PM :: 0 trainees letting it rip!

---------------oOo---------------

Monday, April 07, 2008

From Booty Call to Relationship

Here's a letter I got from one my my readers the other day.

Ok, I have been dating this guy for over a year now and our relationship has not progressed to anything serious. When we first started dating I continuously said to him that I didn't want a relationship etc. (Partly because that was how I was feeling at the time and because he was older and of another nationality than me. (I have always loved Africans) but my parents have simply stereotyped them and make jokes which made me pull back from seriously dating him(on what my parents would think).

As time has progressed I have fallen for him and love his sincerity and personality and him. So my question is how do I bring up the conversation of where this is going? Or, have I already burned that opportunity because of my lack of interest during the beginning phases of our friendship. Right now we are just dating - basically we date other people. But we have sex with each other. I don't think we are only friends, probably whatever is slightly above friends we are it. I am 26 and he is 38.

To give you more perspective he used to ask me if I missed him; but I wasn't feeling him at the time so I would hesitate, etc. Now he doesn't say those things anymore. Also, before I said anything I wanted to be sure that I like him for him and not because of the material things he has, but now I am sure that I like him.

Please help,
Miss Forever Confused.

Here's the real deal---at the beginning of the relationship, you set the status quo. He's been your booty call/friends with benefits for a whole year. He got the pussy on lock-down. Perhaps in the beginning, he was really interested in you and was digging for you to be more than just another girl. But you weren't ready for that. He accepted your terms and you eliminated yourself for something serious with your choice. I'm not blaming you for anything, but you can't all of a sudden change the rules of engagement and expect him to fall in line.

Moving to another level is something that is doable, but only if he has feelings for you as well that he's been hiding all year long. Being that he's 38 and African, he is the type of person that knows what he wants. If he wanted you to be his girlfriend or wifey---trust me, you already would be. I think he does like you, but probably not as much as you want him to right now. I don't think you can ever get the respect and admiration that you had in the beginning of the relationship back. On top of that, you've been sleeping with him for close to a year with no commitment. You conducted yourself in a way that showed to him that you wanted to be a notch on his bedpost and not a place in his heart.

I'm sorry to be blunt, but I'm always a great believer in being honest about your desires.

You shouldn't let your family and friends dictate your love life. And if he realized or thought that your reticence had to do with the fact that he's African and your not, well then you definitely beyond a shadow of a doubt cut yourself out the running. I'm African, so the mentality of the great divide is something that I can relate to. Your parents being stereotypical and ignorant are on them---but how you dealt with it, that's on you. You shouldn't have let their ignorance color your mentality of how you see other people and your views on love. You aren't a little girl anymore. If you love Africans, be proud about it. Acting like it's a bad thing or that you were in the wrong for falling in love with an African just gives them the permission to continue acting stupid. Check out the guide to inter-racial dating for future experiences and learn from this one.

Honey, you can graduate from being a booty call to something more, but only if the other party is willing in this arena as well. He might still have those initial feelings, and hopefully he does. But pride is a very big thing and if he felt like you rejected his feelings last year, chances are he dumped them quick. The cards aren't in your favor sweets.

Before you broach the topic however, I would examine how far you want this to go. If you want him just to be your boyfriend, then keep in mind that your family cracking stereotypical jokes and stuff is something that you will have to deal with and get to stop. Your family should not be allowed to disrespect your man. You have to stand up for your man. You have to stand up for yourself and your choices. Also know that you are asking him to put potential drama from your family into his life. So if you don't want to take it all the way, or if you think this might just be a passing crush, I would just let things stay as they are. The closer you two get together, the more burdensome your family will be. (It doesn't sound like they will be able to even picture you married to an African.) So be prepared for the storm.

If you've thought about all this carefully and you still think that your exotic lover is the man for you, then just tell him that you like him pretty much the way you told me. Start with something like "Tunde, I'm really into you and want what we have right now to grow into something deeper. What do you think?"

In the fairy tale, he would tell you that he has much love for you as well and that he wants to be with you in every way possible. He'll tell you that he's had all these tender feelings ever since he laid eyes on you and he was just hoping that your feelings would grow. You two would overcome all the obstacles and live happily ever after.

But life isn't always like the fairytale.

Does anyone have any input to help out Ms. Forever Confused?

Good luck.

Labels: Booty Calls, Dating, Relationship issues

Posted by Vixen @ 4:08 PM :: 4 trainees letting it rip!

---------------oOo---------------

Friday, March 28, 2008

When You Think You Aren't Good Enough

One of my male readers sent me a question that details his feelings for a fabulous, amazing girl that he's totally growing feelings for. Everything in their relationship is quite wonderful, they are in sync and she's totally great. The only pitfall so far is that he has feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. He's afraid that he will wake up one day and she'll no longer be into him.

How do you tell your self that you deserve someone when you have such low self esteem? How do you raise your self esteem when all you're life you've been told that you're not good enough to have this or that...

She's just been with so many guys, better looking that I am that I fail to grasp what she wants from me. She tells me that I'm her first ever "real" relationship and that she's never felt like how she felt before but i don't know... I still feel undeserving.

She means everything to me and I may not have much to offer her but I'm willing to give her what I have... but the thing is... These thoughts... these self inflicting thoughts.. they hinder me. I don't want her to be just another girl in my life... I want her to be the girl of my life.

First of all, you have to know you aren't alone. Even the most confidant person suffers from moments of insecurity. The problem starts when you let these feelings over-ride your every thought, action and decision.

You have to keep one thing in mind at all times SHE'S WITH YOU! She chose you for a reason---there is something about you that has her totally caught up in getting to know you. You are right, she could be with anyone else in the universe, someone that in your esteem deserves her better. But she Chose You! There are hundreds of hot, confidant people that she must have come across, but only one version of you. You are unique, and the compilation of your soul, spirit and character is intoxicating to her. You don't have to do anything or be anything other than yourself, because that is who she really wants.

Here is a list of some of the things that she sees in you (in case you were wondering). You treat her so well. You are kind, compassionate and romantic. You keep your word. You don't lie to her. You aren't cheating on her. You are funny and fun to be around. You make her feel like she's the best thing that ever happened to you. You bolster her emotions. You are attuned to her needs and emotions. You care. These are all your attributes, just some of the many reasons that she's falling for you.

Those other guys that you are so sure she should be with haven't proven to her that they have the care and consideration to guard her heart. That's why she isn't with any of them. In fact, all those relationships you described, if you ask her why they ended, she will tell you in detail that each of those guys betrayed her feelings or broke her heart.

She recognizes the beautiful qualities that you have and thinks you are a Real Man. In fact, at this moment, she might even be thinking that you are quite possibly her dream guy. She is adoring you from the inside out---just the same way that you adore her. And just because you don't think you are fine doesn't mean that you aren't! For all you know, she sees you as totally hot! Remember, attraction and chemistry is subjective, that means that what I find as sexy might not be the same that someone else would. It sounds like she's digging the fine appeal that you have. You probably don't even know what it is, the quirk of your nose, the glint in your eye, the smell of your body, the way she feels safe and protected around you, the beautiful long eyelashes, the joyful smile...the list is endless. These are all things that make up her attraction for you that you don't even realize.

I know that you've had moments of rejection in the past from other people in your life, but you have to realize that just because some dumb chick doesn't recognize how cool you are doesn't negate the fact that you are really a good person. Don't carry the damaged baggage of your past to tarnish this beautiful relationship that you now have.

It's natural to fear the future or fear the outcome of giving your heart to her. But fear at the end of the day is just going to keep holding you back. In fact, fear is powerful enough to make you ruin the great vibe you two have going right now. When I first met Norio, I was jaded and cynical--unbelieving that it was even possible to meet someone that was so right for me. The struggle against allowing myself to fall in love with him was a huge one for me; because I was dealing with all the emotions you are describing right now.

But it's much better to let yourself fall in love with this wonderful girl than to keep holding back until you turn into Mr. Unavailable. That is what all those other guys before you were to her, they were unavailable emotionally---and that's why they didn't deserve or end up with her. Don't fall into the same hole. Remember, you want her to be the girl of your life.

Please Steve, stop wallowing is this state. Remember, confidence is sexy---totally sexy. If you keep sending out vibes of needy insecurity, you are telling her that you aren't the man that she thinks you are, she's making a bad choice and then turning your fears into a self fulfilling prophecy.

SHE IS WITH YOU! SHE CHOSE YOU! So let go and savor every single moment in it's entirety. Love her---that is all she wants in return, love her fully and unconditionally; the same way that she's loving you.

Good luck.

Labels: Ask Vixen, Dating, Relationship issues

Posted by Vixen @ 3:39 AM :: 5 trainees letting it rip!

---------------oOo---------------

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Complaining in a Relationship

Okay, so I've been totally bad. In fact very bad with posting. I used to be a posting queen...I wonder what happened to me? I think one of the things was starting my other blog, that I can write on and bitch about all day long. Taking that angle, I should just bitch about hella ish on here.

For example, why do we stress, scheme and worry about getting a boyfriend, but then when we do get one, we start griping about his pet peeves and things that irritate you to the same girlfriends that had to sit through your "WOE IS ME I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND" rant?

First of all, the above rant is only what a desperate, lonely woman would say, one that needs to get a life! You don't need a boyfriend to complete you, or a man to make you happy, you only want one because you think that you should have one. A boyfriend is not an essential need to sustain your life, he's just an extra. Think of a relationship as the cherry on top of an already delicious cake.

Okay so she finally finds a guy that likes her enough to stick around. And what does she do? Sit and whine and complain about his dirty socks, bad table manners, hogging the remote and other small pet peeves that shouldn't even be enough to break the relationship.

In moments like this I just want to hang up or yell at said friend---'Look girly, stop complaining and just be grateful that you have what you wanted." I think it's just the whole grass is greener mentality. We always want something more or what we think is something better.

I wonder if guys sit in the locker room complaining about their new girlfriend. Anyone got an answer to that? I don't think they do, at least, not as much as we bitch about the guys. If anything it would be something along the lines of, "Yep, my new girl is cool but I wish she would gimme head more often." However for us, it's a whole laundry list.

Please--STOP COMPLAINING TO ME! In the grander scheme of things such little habits and foibles don't matter. You would be better served in spending your energy developing and enjoying the relationship you have, instead of whining about how he can do better.

Posted by Vixen @ 2:06 AM :: 8 trainees letting it rip!

---------------oOo---------------

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Formula to a Long Lasting Relationship

I was talking to my patient and his wife today, a couple that are still so sweet and loving even after 48 years of marriage. "So what's the magic formula to keep things strong?" I asked. Yes, it might seem a redundant question but her response was one that really tugged chords with me.

"Commitment. There is no out clause for us. We vowed forever and we will do everything in our power to keep that vow." She told me that they had been through some rough times, and there are moments that even she would want to pull his hair out. But she always reminded herself that she "went into this with my eyes wide open and will stay in it with my eyes wide open."

It just got me reflecting on how our generation is so ready to call it quits as soon as the relationship hits the skids or calamity strikes. We have become a generation of fast food relationships, where friends, family and loves are casually tossed aside when they no longer fulfill our needs or something better comes along.

Alot of my patients went through the depression, and they hold on to everything from a shoe string to a piece of tissue paper. What we view as waste, they store and keep for when it will be needed. But I'm getting off topic here...

Yeah, so the formula to a long lasting relationship by my lady in room 17;

Commitment
Good Communication--talk about everything, your thoughts, your actions, your motives etc. This will help you see where the other person is coming from.
Never going to bed mad--and always have sex even if you are fighting. This shifts the energy of the argument and reconnects you.
Don't be afraid to seek counseling or professional help

Oh, and if your guy is sick in the hospital, come with a cheery attitude, some good food and a smile. It will do wonders for his health.

Labels: Marriage, Relationship issues

Posted by Vixen @ 4:29 AM :: 13 trainees letting it rip!