Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Getting Trust Back

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 1/2 years and at the beginning of our relationship I cheated on him with his friend and he hasn't gotten over it. He recently, about two months ago, started talking to his friend again. My boyfriend says that he forgives me for what happen and he's forgiven his friend also. But in a recent argument he revealed that he didn't trust me and it would take a long time to regain his trust. So basically more than two years has gone by and it hasn't been enough time to regain his trust. This is a big road block in our relationship that I truly want to get past.

Truthfully? You're screwed, there's not getting past this. Sorry sweets, but you can give him your right kidney on a silver platter but he's never, ever going to be able to trust you again. Trust is a fragile thing, like fine china, and once it's broken, you can glue the pieces back together again but it will never be whole, true and unvarnished the way that it was. He might be able to trust you to a certain extent--but not wholeheartedly and never 100% like it used to be.

Put yourself in his shoes...would you have stayed in a relationship with him after finding out he slept with one of your girls? And if you did---would you ever be able to trust him? Now that the shoe is on the other foot, do you realize that maybe you might be asking ALOT from him? Are you still justifying, rationalizing and making excuses for cheating on him even years after the fact?

Try reading NOT "Just Friends" by Shirley P. Glass. Its a really solid book based on the premise of rebuilding trust and recovering after infidelity. That will also give you insight to what's going on in his mind, and why he's finding it so hard to trust you again. Perhaps with this insight, you can find new ways to restore the intimacy and trust you once had.

In addition, his friend returning to his life will definitely bring up the same feelings that he's experienced at the height of your betrayal, mainly because he now associates his friend with the whole incidence. It might also be nagging him at the back of his mind that now that Homeboy is back in the picture, you might do the same thing over again. Also there is the premise that 'once a cheater, always a cheater'. Years later, he will be able to still recount every single memory of this catastro-fuck and how it deeply affected him no matter how far you two have come.

I don't know how soon he forgave you, but it might be too quick in the grander picture. Some people forgive just to be 'good' people or because it's expected of them and if this is the case, then he might even still be harboring resentment, grief and depressive feelings about the fact that he's 'forgiven' you, feeling that you got off too lightly and don't deserve him. You need to also take this into consideration and have realistic expectations.

The sacrifice is now on your end if you want to make this relationship work. You have to step up to the plate, every single moment of every day and actually prove yourself to him that you are now and ever will be faithful. You have to be above blame, above blemish, and prove that you really have changed, deep down on the inside. Only through constant validation, a deep commitment and true inner transformation on your part can you two make it through. Get as much help from outside sources aka couples counseling, therapy, books, etc. as you can because you are going to need it.

Very few relationships make it past infidelity, but those that do find out that the victory is worth more than the hurdle. If you two make it through you will discover a deeper, more mature love, one that takes into consideration the most intimate aspects of your partner's joy and happiness. You will grow and bond together through the experience and by dissecting the relationship, taking it apart and building it up again, you will create a stronger foundation.

Good luck.

Labels: Ask Vixen, Cheating, Girl Talk, Relationship issues

Posted by Vixen @ 6:39 PM :: 1 trainees letting it rip!

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