Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Skeletons in Your Closet
Definition: A skeleton is a secret, a past indiscretion, an error in judgement and choices that you have made in the past. Something that you may be ashamed of, but ultimately have learned from.
Everyone has skeletons in the closet. I'm sure off the top of your head you can come up with a few scenarios that you wouldn't want your significant other to know right away. It's not that you are lying per se
, it's just that you don't tell every him or her the minute you meet them your whole life story. After all, you have to maintain your aura of mystique, the charming allure that allows people to want to know more about you.
However, once you have been dating a guy for a significant period of time, and you feel comfortable in his presence, eventually you have to tell some of your sordid, dirty little secrets. The question is when?
Timing is everything. Even the most banal secret can become a cauldron of disaster if not dealt with properly. You don't want to tell him too early, or you might scare him away. Also, not too late, 'cos you know guys need
time to process!
I've realized that I tend to get comfortable a tad early when sharing my bizness. Therefore, I've adapted a rule of thumb. "Show me yours and I'll show you mine". I use this rule very religiously. By the time he feels comfortable enough with me to tell me about the affair he had with a married woman, I'm usually more than ready to dish about my...um...picadillos as well. Plus co-sharing gives you deeper bonds of friendship and doesn't let the other person feel as vulnerable.
However, in this process, there are some facets that you need to keep in mind.
- First of all, there has to be a strong foundation of trust. And trust is not given immediately, it's earned over time. Alot of women I've come across fail to realize and utilize this fact.
- You also must have a strong foundation of friendship. After all, only true friends can accept the torrid truth about you without being judgmental about it and not throw it in your face.
- Third, you must have mutual respect for each other and be willing to accept that their view of you might change. It shouldn't, however we do live in an imperfect world.
- Last but not least, communication. You have got to tell the whole truth when you are ready to bare your soul, or let them know that there are still some secrets that are too painful to share. This is not the time when you lie...because lies tend to catch up with you. And why come clean if you are going to lie? It doesn't make sense.
Secrets can be destructive and eat at you from the inside out. Sometimes, you might feel the burden of sharing is not worth the benefit, but keep in mind that by airing your laundry, you establish a deeper level of trust in your relationship.
Posted by Vixen @ 12:05 AM ::
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Tuesday, September 13, 2005
Definition: This is knowingly going through your significant other's personal effects...wallet, briefcase, purse, pockets, wardrobe, computer, email etc. in the hopes of finding something incriminating.
This essay is not going to side on either way on this issue. I leave my darling readers to do that. There are some instances that snooping is called for. Sometimes, you find the missing piece in the puzzle, you find why your Sixth Sense is telling you that something just isn't right. Under some circumstances, snooping can actually be accepted ~ after all, if he is a lying, cheating snake, how else are you going to find out?
The other side of the coin is that this is a gross invasion of privacy. Snooping ultimately implies that you don't trust the other person, and that you are looking for evidence that what they've told you up to that point is a lie. It tells the other person that you have no faith in their judgement, integrity, honesty and character.
Actions speak louder than words. You tell me you love me, but you don't trust me and have enough faith in us to believe that I'm not stepping out on you. Your going through my personal possessions suggests that you in fact don't love me as much as you say you do.
Let's say however, that certain things were in your line of sight. You weren't purposefully snooping...you were doing laundry, cleaning up, getting some cash from his wallet etc, and came across something that brought suspicions to the forefront of your mind? Do you immediately question them? Or do you just brush it off as nothing important? Or does it sit in your mind, constantly festering until it becomes something way bigger than it is?
I like to deal with everything head on. I don't confront, or put him on the defensive, but I let him know that I came across the scribbled phone number in his wallet and it raised some questions in my mind. I leave it up to him to reassure me and tell me what it was about, and I believe what he says...the first time. However, if it's a recurring scenario, and my sixth sense keeps screaming, I
kick his ass to the curb take firmer action.
Curiosity sometimes does land you into a big mess. However, I would rather know from the onset, than get caught up and be ignorant for months to years. In this case, ignorance is not considered bliss.
Labels: All About Sex, Cheating, Dating, Relationship issues
Posted by Vixen @ 3:37 PM ::
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Wednesday, September 07, 2005
The Dating Game
Definition: Puhlease, like you need this one defined!
First of all, a Baaad girl realizes that dating is not a Game. It's not Monopoly, it's not Taboo, it's real life. The decisions and choices you make now affect you for the rest of your life, so why does everyone think it's a game?
Personally, I think it's a quest. In Arthurian days, the knights would be sent on quests of valor, to slay a dragon, banish a wizard or rescue a fair maiden from the jaws of hell. The quests were full of pitfalls, narrow escapes and strange encounters in all shapes and sizes. However invariably, they succeeded in their endeavor and were met with great pomp and pageantry.
Moving to the 21st century, each of us in on a quest for self actualization and fulfillment. Humans are social creatures and need companionship to feel fully satisfied and happy. In my job, I have met a few couples who have lost all they have, their health, their wealth, their families ~ but they still have each other. And even when everything seems so dark and bleak, they cling to their love and it helps them weather the storm.
That is utopia, that is paradise. That is what everyone is searching for.
You only have one life to live, so enjoy it and live it up. And if you happen to meet the person at completes you ala Jerry Maguire, you are doubly blessed.
Posted by Vixen @ 3:19 PM ::
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Definition: A Bad Habit is a repititious role that a women finds herself in with dating and relationships. Eventually, you realize that you are essentially dating varying shades of the same man. The ones that you know you need to Stay Away From but can seem to shake.
They say that ignorance is bliss, and yet knowing is half the battle. As sassy, sexy and scintillating that I am, even I have a bad habit. I tend to date Emotionally Challenged men ~ ECs. Looking very harshly at the murky depths of the last 7 years, I realize that each and every one of my boyfriends have been unavailable in one shape or form.
Why is it that I'm constantly drawn to the unavailable? I had a happy childhood, didn't start dating until I was
mature 18, and figured out this dating thing pretty early (or so I thought). It's been the same story over and over again. While I realize (with my 50/50 hindsight) that a couple of them were total turds and one was gay...however, the one common facet of each failed relationship is me.
I chose them from a plethora of guys angling for my attention...out of the 100,000 guys on the planet that I would actually think of dating, I selected the five ECs of the bunch. Although, my judgement was probably clouded a few times with sex, lust, infatuation and gratitude, I still chose to be with the ECs. Over and over again.
There was an article I read a while back that stated that it takes 16-19 days to make or break a habit. Using this module, I'm just going to take it one fortnight at a time. I will forcefully pull myself from this practice and make a definite change. No more wasting time with ECs. I've got to move on to someone better and more deserving of my attentions.
I'm making a conscious effort from now on to break my bad habit. I hope you do the same for yours. Good luck.
Posted by Vixen @ 12:36 AM ::
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