Bad Girl's Guide

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Rebound Girl Drama...the Long Version

I'm a freshman in college and I have never had a boyfriend and I am still a virgin. I've been "together" with guys before, but my relationships never last more then three months. I've recently realized that I am always the rebound or the girl on the side. But anyway your advice I will truly take to heart and I would extremely appreciate it.

I'll make this short, his girlfriend of 3 years broke up with him for another man just before i met him. He was extremely upset but told me he wanted nothing to do with her. We got close, i grew strong feelings for him, he told me he had strong feelings for me too but he just didn't want a relationship right away because he just got out of a 3 year one. 3 months pass and we're still "together". Then his ex-girlfriends new boyfriend dumps her and she runs back to him begging him to take her back. They start texting and hanging out again and he swears to me that its only on a friend basis and that he still liked20me.

Well a week later after telling me that, they get back together. I was heartbroken, i spent 3 months with him and trusted him enough to grow feelings for him. Out of absolute rage i text him when i found put he was going back out with his ex. He keeps on saying how they are already fighting and that he still likes me but doesn't think it would work out between us and he apologizes. I was so upset. He wanted to be friends, so i try to be friendly with him. But its hard for me because i couldn't let go of my feelings for him. So i try to explain to him how he has to keep his distance from me because i wanted to lose all my feelings for him. We still hung out and went to shows together, and then i realized how i was hurting myself because i still thought of him being together with me. He knew not to talk about his girlfriend around me.

This past Saturday i was in an extremely bitchy mood about the whole situation, him and his friends and I were hanging out. And i was driving them around and I told them how i was tired and wanted to go home. So he asks me to drive him to his girlfriends house. And I told him to walk, it was only three blocks away and drizzling out, but he had a jacket. He gets all pissed off walks away and throws something at my car and calls me a c*nt. I run over to him and tell him to never disrespect me like that. We start screaming at each other and i tell him how he deserves to walk in the rain after what he did to me. He tells me that he never wanted to hurt me, but when he got the chance to have the love of his life back he took it. And i told him that if he cared about me, he wouldn't of did that to me. Then he goes on to explain how he still likes me in more then a friend way and how they fight, and how he doesn't know why he is gong back out with her. And i tell him how i cant do this anymore, i tell him that we cannot be friends.

Now today I get a text message from him asking if were still going to the show together this Saturday because I told him how i didn't want to be friends with him. And i told him yeah, and i have him this long emotional text message on how i just said that because i didn't want to like him anymore and how i freaked out when he said he liked me, and his response was "uhhh..ok" and i got pissed yet again.

We argue again about the previous Saturday and he tells me how he doesn't like me anymore because i really pissed him off Saturday. And to my surprise i get actually upset and i apologize to him. So obviously I still want him. I dont know what to do, my mom and friends tell me to get rid of him, that he doesn't deserve me. But its so hard. Deep down i hope they break up again so me and him can get back together. But i don't want to be that girl. And were both friends with the same friends so no matter what I'm going to see him and i might actually get a job at where he works. I don't know what to do, i need your advice. Thank you if you take the time out to read this, i really truly appreciate it.

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Posted by Vixen @ 8:41 AM :: 1 trainees letting it rip!

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Saturday, March 07, 2009

When He Makes You Feel Not Good Enough: Meet Melanie

I got this question from one my fav readers the other day...

I've been having a really hard time and could use some advice or support. 7 months ago I randomly met an amazing guy and started dating off the bat. He is an incredibly smart dedicated individual. In terms of relationships his views were that a relationship should consist of two people working together to help each other achieve there goals. He is a workaholic and indirectly expects the same from me. While I see nothing wrong in working hard, I am the type of person who doesn't see anything wrong with putting work aside for a few hours and going to see a movie or having a nice dinner once a week. He honestly reminds me of a robot sometimes. The sex is very to the point and seems like its just completing the human cravings for sexual gratification rather than any amount of affectionate making love.

I am having a hard time especially when he brings up his past relationships. He went to a school with a high prestigious ranking and had serious relationships there with girls who dedicated themselves completely to what they were studying and what they wanted to do with there lives. Honestly as much as I love myself; sometimes it gets really hard not to feel insignificant and worthless especially when I get reminded how dedicated everyone he admires is. I feel like rather than motivating me to work harder or be better it brings me down because he approaches it in such a critical condescending manner from insulting my school to throwing it in my face that I'm not a perfect student. He says he believes I have a lot of potential and wants to see my succeed but I can't shake this feeling of insignificant.

Lately I've been having an even harder time handling everything and being motivated to do anything. I got pregnant and am going through a miscarriage 8 weeks into it and even at this point in everything rather than be supportive and understanding to the fact that I'm having a hard time because I feel like i have no control over my own body and my hormones fluctuate through the roof it's just been a series of more pressure to work work work. It's hard being told that he thinks im Bipolar when in reality my hormones went insane and I honestly couldn't help it

I don't really know what to do. I feel very alone....

Gosh...I've been seeing all the relationship status changes on your facebook and always wondered but didn't want to pry. I know that there are 2 sides to every story but this guy doesn't sound like the right person for you. What he considers motivating is being overly critical, and him rubbing his Ivy League overly pretentious and entitled ambitious friends and self into your face isn't helping you grow, it's really beating you down emotionally.

It sounds like you are on the fast track to an abusive relationship, he's emotionally haranguing you constantly and making you feel less than what you are. He sounds like a Type A personality, and you are too warm-hearted to be in this world. The longer you stay in it, the more hurt you will become.

You two have only been together for 7 months, and it just sounds like one hassle after another. Look at the red flags honey--he's doesn't make love to you, he is a workaholic and expects you to be one too, he doesn't know how to have fun, he criticizes you and he wasn't supportive through your miscarriage. How many more red flags do you need to see before you see the writing on the wall?

Get out now before you end up more broken.

Here's the part that's gonna hurt. Are you sitting down? This isn't about him and how bad he has been, and how he tricked you into believing he was one way or another, this isn't about his opinions of you and how he isn't being supportive this is all about you.

Yeah! You!

It's about your perception of yourself and what you think you deserve. You know your personality and how you are deserves a person who is supportive, inspiring and a source of motivation, not derision, criticism and rancor. You don't need a drill sergeant as a boyfriend; you were doing good all by your fabulous self!

No one can make you feel worthless except yourself. You are the one giving him that power. Take your self respect back! If you have the kick-ass self esteem that I expect every BAD girl at this point to have, you would have not taken his shit from day 1, and set the precedence that you don't exist to be under his rule and foot.

I think that all the talk about his Ivy League girlfriends feeds into your own insecurities and how you view yourself in relation to other women in his life. This shouldn't even be a conversation you should be having with any guy. It's wholly inappropriate and you have to stand up for yourself and set the boundaries. It doesn't matter who your man has been with in the past, and how you measure up. You should feel that you measure up surpass them because he is not with them but with you.

You deserve a man that will cater to you, treat you well and respect you enough knowing that you are strong, independent woman. You've accomplished so much in your young life already, and have ambition and dreams about where you are going to go. You don't need a drill sergeant!

I think that what is going down deep inside isn't a question of whether or not you love him, but rather a dilemma of you not feeling like you deserve him. Sweets, let me tell you right now, you don't deserve him. He isn't the right guy for you. A man that talks down to you and makes you feel insignificant, who criticizes you and doesn't appreciate your successes, someone who doesn't support you in your difficult times---that is not the type of guy you deserve.

You can move on to the next level of self confidence by treating yourself to no relationship for a while. Try NML's No Contact Rule for starters. Enjoy being single and enjoy being you and then once you have embraced that you are unique you deserve a great deal, once you have identified the true meaning of loving "myself" for me---then, and only then, should you venture back into the dating pool. You have to have the right glasses to see a man for who he truly is and reject those that come with drama, red flags and heartache.

You will never be able to change him. You can never change a man! A man will only change when he wants to. Did you really envision your life like this? Did you really think that this was the type of guy that was right for you? Seriously?

Get of this nutty roller-coaster. Heal yourself physically, emotionally, mentally and all the other -llys that he might have hurt. Remember he is the one that was lucky to have you in his life not the other way around.

Good luck!

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Posted by Vixen @ 1:54 AM :: 2 trainees letting it rip!

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Monday, January 26, 2009

Response to Previous Post: The Other Woman

Wow....just wow! This guy has way too much going on! I don't think he intentionally meant to screw you over, it sounds that when your relationship with him started, he was going through a seperation or rocky period with his wife. He was looking for his second fiddle, a woman to go to when things got hot at home and he found you. You fulfilled for him every desire that his wife did not, you were loving, supportive, tender and probably insanely amazing in bed. He probably didn't tell you about his 'divorce' because he had come to know what kind of woman you are and he didn't want to lose you. At the same time he didn't have the balls to end the relationship with his 'wife'.

Men lie because they don't want to have to deal with the drama that comes with telling the truth. It's the same reason all people lie...but I'm surprised that he was having this covert life for 20 months and you didn't even notice. I'm sure there were a few red flags earlier in the relationship, and looking back now, you will probably still recognize them waving in the wind. But it's over and done with, kicking yourself is not going to do much good.

I think you are so much better off without him. The Universe helped you to end this toxic affair. I know that it hurts right now, and probably will for a while...but you deserve a man that loves and is with you---and only you. You are too special and fabulous to play second fiddle to anyone, the guy that is right for you will truly see you as his one and only.

You did everything right in this relationship. You loved hard, treated him well and communicated your feelings. The person that screwed up and screwed up bad is this man...a man (dare I call him that?) who has alot of baggage and issues of his own.

As the other Bad girls said, cut your losses and run...run as far as you can in the other direction. You dodged a bullet with this guy, because the shady way he is treating you and his wife is the same way that he will keep treating you. Cut all ties with him, severe your financial cords and change the locks. This relationship needs to be killed 100%. Stop trying to get answers---this will just hurt you in the long run.

Let Him Go. He's not worth the mat you wipe your shoes on. Pick up the broken pieces of your heart and eventually have faith that this was a lesson learned. The guy that is right for you is still out there, and this was just another stepping stone in the right direction.

Sorry for the anguish that you must be going through now, but it will surely pass. Hugs...and keep your head up sweets....you are a fabulous woman and will get the very best!

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Posted by Vixen @ 9:44 AM :: 1 trainees letting it rip!

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Saturday, January 17, 2009

When You are the Other Woman...and Don't Even Know it

This is a question I got from one of my readers. Your thoughts are welcome. Last Sunday I found out some information that tore my world apart. (or at least ruffled my feathers- a lot) Lately, my boyfriend had been pulling "disappearing acts" on me and I was fed up. Over the holidays he disappeared for two weeks straight, and on the weekends he disappears" also. I'm very much a "let me know whats going on so I can move on with my life" kinda girl. Nothing bugs me more than someone not communicating with me or attempting to play me for a fool! It's really not that serious to me!

Anyways, after another weekend of "disappearing with no contact" I came across some info that allowed me to take matters into my own hands and investigate. He happened to leave his email password in plan sight written on the back of a business card on my desk in my apartment. So naturally, I logged in! And surprise, surprise- guess who's married and/or talking to a few other women on the side?! My "boyfriend"! The man I've faithfully committed mind, body, soul, finances, emotions, everything to for the past 20 months had the audacity to be a liar! I have not even looked at another man since he's been in my life, since I was so head over heals!

So of course, without revealing how I got my info I immediately contact him and start asking questions/presenting the facts of what I read and he acts like a deer in headlights, confused like he doesn't know what I'm talking about then has the audacity to shoot back at me "well I'm not divorced yet!" Wow. He also has the nerve to be mad because I wouldn't reveal my source to him. When I met this man, the first thing out of his mouth regarding his status was "I'm divorced". Why lie?

The content in the email was a lot of arguing back and forth between he and his wife especially in the period of time after he and I got together... I also noticed that he has moved out of their house, and she started to use her maiden name again. There was one email from her late last summer asking for reconciliation, but he never responded. Also, in recent email to a perspective employer, he says that he's "separated". He also emailed other women saying very inappropriate things for a man trying to work out a marriage. I don't get it. All the days and nights we spent together even some on weekends, hanging around his friends, my friends, the gifts, the "I love yous" gave me no reason to believe there was a wife at home. I knew they had a daughter together...but all the arguing and short conversations he has on the phone with her when he's in my presence had me to believe he was strictly parenting with this woman. He even introduced me to his son, and his sister. Why embarrass me like that knowing that you have a marriage?

Since this "busting" I've asked him to please come and get his things from my house and be done. I've even offered to drop them off to him somewhere and I've requested my things back. He also owes me some cash. Whenever I bring this up, he gets really mad and avoids making an appt with me. He keeps saying that "we'll sit down and talk about everything face to face", yet he won't actually do it. His excuse this past week was that he was in the hospital with bronchitis. The week before I busted him he was all up in my house spending 2-3 nights not able to keep his hands off me. Where was wifey? Waiting for him to bring my germs home to her? I noticed that if I even mention anything about sex, wanting sex, etc... he comes running like a runaway slave... yet you won't be a man let me go? It's not he really wants me right?

I'm confused, I really like this guy but the situations is F'd up! I don't understand, I'm a young single professional who has her own with no children and would do almost anything for this man...I've spent a lot of money, time and heartache on him... why sh*t on me? Please shed some light....

Response in the following post...this is too long. Feel free to chime in the meantime ladies, a fellow Bad Girl needs your help!

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Posted by Vixen @ 9:37 AM :: 3 trainees letting it rip!

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Thursday, June 05, 2008

Why Does He Want Someone Else and Not Me?

I am in the midst of a weird, dysfunctional relationship with a guy I met 2.5 years ago while he was in a long term relationship. We slowly became friends and then progressed to having an affair. After a year, I started pressuring him, and he kept telling me that it was too hard to end a long term relationship. I should have walked away then, but I didn’t. Instead, they broke up, and I thought that we would have our chance, but he started dating someone else.

He told me that it was too soon after his long term relationship to start anything with me, yet he was able to start dating someone else almost immediately after. All the while, he is telling me I am his best friend and his soul mate and he can't not have me in his life.

I am having a VERY HARD time getting over him. Almost as if, if I can’t "get" this guy, I will never find another guy that I have that much chemistry with. I think that is why I am holding on to something not worth holding on to. I CANNOT seem to get over the fact that he chose this other girl. I think about it all the time, analyzing it and driving myself crazy. In a recent post by NML, she states that "pulling back, the inconsistent behaviour, and the lack of action suggest the makings of a man who is emotionally unavailable".

But why me? I mean, I understand that he is probably emotionally unavailable with his gf, but how was he able to take action with her? And continue to do so and care enough to get back together repeatedly (they broke up twice)? How can I possibly not take it personally when it was just me that he didn’t and doesn’t want to be in a real relationship with? If he was truly emotionally unavailable, then wouldn’t he treat every other girl the way he has treated me? What makes someone girlfriend material and what makes someone other woman or fall back girl material?

Is it only really because I allowed him to be? I know in the grand scheme of things, none of it matters, and I need to stop analyzing, but I cannot get this out of my head. I have accepted everything else for what it is, but I CANNOT get past this "why her and not me" thing. Everyone tells me "it's not you, it's him", but if he can be with other people, then it is "me". Please help!

Truthfully, it's both of you. He's an asshole treating you like shit, and you are a doormat allowing him to wipe his feet all over you. This guy--he's not prize material. Not only is he totally emotionally unavailable, he's a cheat. Then on top of that, he's an emotionally detached cheat that wants to have his cake and eat it too.

The whole "you are my best friend," line that he's feeding you is just crumbs so that he can still keep you in the picture. You are feeding his ego by clinging to him even though he's shown you repeatedly that you aren't a priority to him. You were his booty call mistress. He used you to get excitement and drama in his existing relationship. He used your emotions to get validation of his sexual prowess and his manhood. It's sad that you got emotionally involved with him and got caught up in his machinations.

I get that you are feeling hurt, used and abused. I get that you are wanting a reason that he could be with another girl and not you. The truth is that you should be dancing on the rooftops celebrating that his asshole is out of your life. This girl that he's with, she's getting the picture that he's no prize either, that's why she keeps up breaking up with him. However, he must have both of you dickmotized to stay dealing with his drama and bullshit.

Why her and not you? Why does it matter? It's her and not you because you had started to see him for the lying dickweed that he was and you were trying to better yourself. It's her and not you because she's in the same needy, pathetic place that you were when you started up with him and he's taking full advantage of that. It's her and not you because the mirage has lifted for you and you see him in all his ugly manipulative colors. It's her and not you because she's another unsuspecting girl that will feed his ego and make him feel good. It's her and not you because he has history with you and with her it was a clean slate for him to recreate himself as Mr. Lover. It's her and not you because she's a sucker and you are not. Soon she too will see him for the jerk he is (hopefully sooner rather than later).

Too much of your life has been wasted on this guy already. TOO MUCH. It's time to reclaim your life and learn to love yourself. If you don't love yourself, you will just be caught up in another one of these situations a few months down the road. Take a break from men and instead foster ways to build up your self esteem and your self image. You are a fabulous woman, but you don't realize it. And if you don't realize it then the men that you consort with will keep treating you like crap and you will keep accepting shit from them.

Get yourself in order girl. That's the only way to overcome this madness. Good luck.

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Posted by Vixen @ 1:21 AM :: 5 trainees letting it rip!

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Monday, May 12, 2008

Heartbreak...

I came across this blog post from Serena Williams a few months ago. Every woman that has ever been in love can totally relate to this.


You just start dating a guy. He likes you, you like him. You guys want to spend every second together. When you are not with him you are talking to him on the phone. You have deep feelings for him. The feelings keep developing. They keep growing. You begin to think this could be it. You begin to think I really think this is it for me….. You love being together. You can't stand being without each other. You start to feel like you have never felt before, and you do things for him you have never done before. He tells you he doesn’t want to be with you and only you. He tells you he adores you. He tells you u guys were meant for each other. You care for him. You are falling for him. You take things slow. You don't want to make any mistakes. You go slower with him than you have ever done before. You don't rush to introduce him to your friends, let alone anyone else. You want it to be right. You are feeling this and you feel this could mean something. He communicates with you. He thanks God you are in his life. You guys have fun together. You laugh together.

He talks about being and becoming serious with you. He talks about his desire to love you one day. He talks about he can't imagine not being with you. You think he's falling in love with you. But you can't be 100% sure. You guys have not said that sacred 4 letter word that starts with an "L". But you feel it deep deep in you. Deeper than you have in a long time.

You ask him "are we moving too fast"? He replies "We are just following our hearts." You start to trust him. Something you have not done since your first heart break. How long ago was that? You wonder. Trust is something you vowed you would never do again. But slowly your heart comes out of its steel enclosure. You feel like you can trust him. You feel as if everything you went though was for a reason. And the reason was to meet him. Days turns into weeks. And he tells you about the connection you guys have in each others hearts.

Weeks turns into months and you slowly start to wean the other guys in your life out. And than it happens. No not the "L" word. But what you have been most afraid of. What deep in your heart you have been afraid to confront. What you always suspected would happen one day sooner or later. HE STOPS CALLING. You panic. But you try to stay calm. He did this before when you first started talking, but u tried to forget it. You knew u should have not forgotten. But u tried to ignore it. He disappears for a week with no phone call. No answer to yours no nothing. Finally you hear from him. You want to rage you want to scream you want to cry. But you can't help you heart from feeling a tad bit happy."

"As you begin to ask him what happened he stops you. He says "I need space". You cringe at these words. This is the very reason you begin to think why your heart was in that steel enclosure. The reason you don't put your emotions your feelings, your heart into it. Because one day it always turns in to this day. But you are already too far out you are at the point of no return, you can't come back. You can't believe, although a piece of you does believe it. Space. How many time have you heard this before? Space? Weren't you giving him enough? Space. Hmmm you laugh because its so ridiculous. You laugh because again you knew this day would come. Why did you not listen to that little voice inside your head telling you to "watch out and be careful". You laugh only because tears won't come.

You know its not you, but you cant help but look at that man in the mirror. You can't help but pick yourself apart. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? And again and again you can't come up with the answer. Slowly as you try to focus on other things and think of other people you put you heart back into that steel case.

Tears finally come and they make you feel a little better, but the pain is piercing through your soul. The pain never hurts as bad as the first time. . But all the same you can't help but feel hopeless, foolish. Your great chance to be with your soul mate has again somehow slipped and failed.

But eventually you know you will pick yourself up. Eventually you know you will try again. And eventually you know you will find the keys to you heart, but also in the back of your mind you think…. Will it happen again.""

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Posted by Vixen @ 6:28 AM :: 6 trainees letting it rip!

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Saturday, December 22, 2007

When You Are Dickmotized

Definition: Dick-motosis occurs when a woman is with a guy that sucks in almost every single respect except one---he gives her really good sex. A woman that is dick-motized is in essence hynotised so much by his good loving that she chooses to overlook or forgive all his other more glaring annoying qualities.

First of all a big holla to my fav new Bad Girl, Ebonne. It was from her that I first heard this phrase but as soon as she said it, it totally clicked.

It's so easy to get dickmotized and yet so hard to get out of. Most stories that I've heard of with women sticking for years with men that aren't good for them are because they are hopelessly hypnotized by his cock. They put up with all the bull shit out and drama out of bed, because that good fuckin' got them all weak that they can't think straight. Their friends are telling them to wake up and snap out of it---but they can't, they are addicted to that cock like it's heroin.

So how does a Bad Girl get out of Dickmotosis?
  1. Quit Cold Turkey. Like any bad habit, trying to wean yourself off slowly can take weeks or months. To get out of the dickmotosis, you have to quit him altogether. Break it off, stop taking his calls, his texts and emails. Delete all his contact information and tell him to lose your number. He will be persistently trying to get you back for a while but you have to be strong, because once you get back into his sphere it will be harder to break free.
  2. Buy a Vibrator. An honest to goodness, premium vibrator like the Wanichi Vibe or Hitachi Magic Wand. Get a replacement, albeit an electronic one and start using it to wean yourself off his cock. If you are used to getting one or two orgasms from him daily---give yourself 5 in the morning, 2 for lunch and another 2 at night. This will enable you to stop craving his cock so much. The vibrator is just like Nicorette for smokers, a substitute to get you through the hard times when you wanna break down and give in to his smooth charms. When you are craving him, zap yourself up with your Electronic Boyfriend.
  3. Get a Support Group. Most girls already have a built in support group in their friends. So tell them you are trying to break yourself of the bad habit of jumping to him whenever Mr. Good Dick crooks his finger at you. That way when you feel yourself breaking, give one of them a ring instead of calling him. They will also help you through the rocky break up patch and give you an emotional lift when you are feeling down.
  4. Take a Breather. Once you get clean from him, don't be so quick to jump into another dickmotized situation. Sure, sex is great and all, but you don't want to replace one addiction with another. Learn some new hobbies, travel, join a cause or volunteer. Do something and anything to fill your hours with exciting and great experiences that don't evolve around sex.
  5. Become a Dick Slayer. This is the final part of the journey. After taking time to learn more about yourself and what pleasures you, you can take steps to learn more about sex and all it's wild horizons. Flex your Kegels, take a sensuality class, (or even a stripping class). Embrace your sexuality and stop being the recipient, turn yourself into the giver. Take hold of the reins, ride dirty and be the wild, bad girl you were destined to be. That way it will be hard to get Dick-motized again, because he'll be laid out with all the good lovin' you've laid down on him.
Are there any other tips you ladies can think of?

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Posted by Vixen @ 10:49 PM :: 3 trainees letting it rip!

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Monday, December 17, 2007

When You Catch Him Cheating

Most women think that we are invincible or infallible to picking out a cheat, but cheating can happen to anybody in any situation. This is one of the things that we tend to dog men on alot and I hate to get on a soapbox but even though we know cheating is wrong, for some reason our society has glamorized or glossed it up to make it look like it's not such a huge betrayal as it should be.

So what happens when you follow your sixth sense or randomly find your man double dipping on you? Your first reaction naturally is one of shock and dismay, but then alot of other emotions flow right into the mix quite brutally. Anger is the one that is hardest to deal with, because it flares up with such intensity that it might actually make your blood 'burn', literally and figuratively. I've heard stories of women while in the midst of rage cut off their guys parts, stab people, pour boiling water or acid, kill the woman or beat the shit out of everyone in the room. You don't want to be that psycho.

Why? Because the truth of the matter is that if any man has the nerve to cheat on your fabulous self then he doesn't deserve you. Reacting angrily and getting yourself into a situation that has the potential to affect the rest of your life isn't the solution---kicking the dickweed out of your life is.

When you react angrily, you will do and say things that you might later regret. For all you know, the girl could have been an innocent victim, thinking that Mr. Casanova was her guy and didn't even know about you---then you would have punished her for no reason. She's not the one you need to enact your revenge on...he is. We always want to attack the girl first, but that isn't where your anger and attention should be focused. She doesn't owe you anything---she never made promises to you, she never had an exclusive, monogamous relationship with you---in fact she probably doesn't even know you.

However, Mr. Libertine is the one that lied, cheated and betrayed you, so why are you taking it out on the girl? Let the chick go, she ain't got nothing to do with this. A "Bitch get the fuck out of my house," should do the trick to get her ass in gear, if not, throw her out.

Now that you have no witnesses, er...people around, you can start to castrate or brand, um get on with the next phase, getting the dude out of your life and your bed. He will of course be begging you, apologizing profusely and promising heaven and earth, but if you don't get rid of him now, I can bet you money that in a few months, you'll be wishing you did. If you don't, your relationship ends up in Cheater's Purgatory, which is a relationship slow death. Better to cut it off severely and be done with it. It's over, the trust is broken, he's a cheat and you don't need that in your life.

If you need anthem music, turn on Irreplaceable or Before He Cheats. It's enough to simmer your blood boil to a medium range, think clearly and kick him out.

Next, go through the Break Up plan and call in the posse of reinforcements. Whoever said revenge is a dish best served cold really did have his thinking brain on. Formulate a brilliant scheme that won't get you caught, locked up, or sued and enact it masterfully a few weeks later. There is nothing more therapeutic than a ritualistic roast of your ex's most prized possessions.

Further Reading:
Breakups

So, do share...what are you most satisfying revengeful moments that you've heard of or ever had? There might be a Bad Girl in here that needs a good plan.

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Posted by Vixen @ 9:58 PM :: 3 trainees letting it rip!

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Monday, October 22, 2007

When His Ex Goes Psycho Bitch Around You...

I got a question from one of my new readers. To paraphrase, she had recently started dating guy that had broken up with his former fiance a little over a month ago. Karen and the guy were really hitting it off.
Okay, he tells me that his ex still calls him once in awhile...makes excuses of why she needs to stop by his house, etc... He ALWAYS has been extremely honest with me and I respect him so much for that. He also told me that he informed her that we were now together.

While I was driving him home we talked about our relationship, and he told me how happy he was, and that he had definitely made the right decision calling off the wedding because if he hadn't...we would not be together now. We got to his house around 3 a.m., he invited me inside, he went to the bathroom, and I let his dog outside. Not even a minute later, I saw something out of the corner of my eye, and it was his ex-fiance charging up the porch!! She had been waiting for us. I ran to tell him that she was outside the front door, and then I just kept myself hidden for their five-minute screaming session on the front porch. When he came back in, he was genuinely upset at the fact that she had come over, and he was constantly apologizing for her actions. I reassured him that it was not his fault she came over, and that he cannot control what she does.

So, I guess what I am trying to ask is, what would you have done in that situation...or in future situations? I could have easily followed him outside, but I do not want to sink to her level. She is older than me, but is acting much more immature than I have ever acted in my life. I am not sure if this will happen again, but my sixth sense is telling me that it probably will. I really like him, and he has treated me better than anyone that I have dated in the past. If you have any other questions about this situation, or if I have been unclear, please let me know and I will try to explain further. Thanks Vixen!!
Wow, talk about awkward. Nothing beats getting caught up in the drama between a guy and his ex. As someone who has been on both ends of the spectrum, staying out of it was the right thing to do. You see, if you had gotten right in her face, it would have been blown more out of proportion with her turning the ire of the whole situation firmly on you. I can understand why she would be upset...and even why she's stalking her ex. However, for your sake, I would keep my distance for a while to let things to cool off. Why?

They just broke up. The wounds are still fresh and although the reasons for breaking up on his part might be valid, I really don't feel sufficient time has passed to not place you as the Rebound Girl. The Rebound girl gets all the drama, all the emotions, and rarely ever gets the man. So, tread softly.

He sounds like he's into you, and you're definitely into him, but I would really step into this with a degree of caution. He's got waaaay too much going on with the ex right now, and he needs to end all that before you get caught in the crossfire. Her beef isn't really with you, but for some reason, the fixation of her anger will turn to you. She'll think you are the reason they aren't getting back together (she obviously wants him back), and then you get caught in the fray. It's illogical, but when has love ever made sense?

She's not through with him yet and I don't think he's through with her yet. He hasn't been able to firmly set boundaries for her for the fact that she's still calling him, and over at his place. Be careful honey, I would definitely give him some space to deal with his 'ex-issues.'

Good luck.

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Posted by Vixen @ 4:51 PM :: 4 trainees letting it rip!

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Monday, September 10, 2007

On Staying With a Loser

I recently came across a lady that had been in a relationship with a guy for 10 years. They live together. She's not happy with him, both inside the bedroom and out---and he doesn't seem to care. He's never given her an orgasm with penetration, and in bed it seems like she's servicing him while he doesn't even try to reciprocate. He just fucks her for his own pleasure and she'll be lucky if she gets any pleasure from it. She told me that she's talked to him til she's blue in the face, and still he continues with his illicit affairs, I don't care attitude, and watching porn, jacking off while 'smoking weed' all day. She the only one that works, is holding the relationship together as tight as she can and they have no children together. And yet---she can't leave him.

My question to her was why? Why is she irretrievably stuck to a man that doesn't make her happy and isn't trying to? Why is she being the sole provider for his lazy, no orgasm-producing ass?

Her answer---she loves him.

I know it's a deeply prevalent paradigm and she's not the only one stuck in it. Women are slaves to love...we will do anything for it, put up with anything for it and suffer for it. But when do you look in the mirror and realize that sometimes, love isn't enough? There is nothing holding her to him other than 'love', the fear of change and the fear of being alone. She's used to him, and figures that the next guy she ends up with will be worse. To this I gave her a droll look---really? How worse can it get from Mr. Cheating, Porn Addicted, Weed Smoking, No Job Having, Slacker? He is the bottom of the barrel honey...move on up!

She told me that when they first got together, he wasn't like this, but over the years he started taking her for granted and that's when the down slide began. She was even angling to marry him in the hopes that things will get better---I almost hit my head on the wall in frustration at that point. I talked to her for close to an hour, but even though she knows she's not happy, for some reason, she's unable to take the bold stance and seize her happiness and future with both hands.

She's gorgeous, guys ask her out regularly and yet she turns them down to go home to him. I know there is a deep level of insecurity also probably in the mix, but I wish there was a way to break the chains one at a time. The sad part is that she doesn't realize that being alone is better than staying with a man that insidiously drains every ounce of radiance, energy and self worth from her.

A Baaaaad Girl has to know when to stay---and when to leave.

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Posted by Vixen @ 1:56 PM :: 7 trainees letting it rip!

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Sunday, August 19, 2007

On Still Being In Love with the Ex: Meet Lacy

A couple of months ago I ended it with my 2 year beau because he had started having an interest in another woman. I was hurt, angry, miserable, revengeful, all the emotions, but after a couple months I came to terms with it. He did what he did and if I’m not the one for him then so be it. We were best friends, and after everything that had happened I decided I wanted him in my life. Even if he wasn't my boyfriend, not being on good terms felt worse then having a friend that hurt me so badly. Him and the other girl didn’t end up working out, I found an amazing guy who is everything and more that I could ever want in a man, but I'm not happy. I think about my ex, and I don't think I could ever date him again even if he wanted me back because I have so dignity. As much as I love him I don’t like ever feeling like at a point in our relationship there was someone who was better than me. True all things aside, although he started talking to another girl, I was talking to another guy long before and this is the guy who now I'm sort of dating. I don't know what to do, it’s just hard being so positive of love, and then it’s just gone. I don’t understand how to get over that. I don't want to have feelings for my ex, and I don’t understand why I still do or feel attached to the past when I honestly don’t believe I could date him again.

Okay, it sounds like you and your ex weren't a good fit. Not only for the fact that he caught feelings for another woman, but you admitted that even before that you were talking to someone else. So obviously, both of you knew on some level that it wasn't all roses and romance between you two.

Personally I don't think that 2 months is sufficient time to delve into another new relationship and actually have another boyfriend. Sounds like if anything you are rebounding----hard. And New Guy is getting the short end of the stick. You still have feelings for your ex. It's understandable being that you were together for 2 years and have so much of a history but until you get over your ex, you are cheating yourself and the new guy from even opening yourself to the possibilities of true love. That's one of the reasons you aren't happy.

The only thing holding you back from being with your Ex is your pride and dignity. Pride is a good thing in this case, and you should embrace it. Your sixth sense is right---for the fact that he caught feelings for someone else means that he was still looking. And if he's still looking that means that he's not satisfied and abundantly happy with you which means that he's not the guy for you.

Stay away from the Ex. Somehow your dissatisfaction may also stem from the fact that on some level you are comparing the New Guy to your Ex. And you still are in love with your Ex. Which means that you haven't given New Guy the chance to 100% Wow you. Which means you aren't ready for another relationship.

So what to do? I would suggest taking a break from guys for a while, just to sort out your feelings. Until you heal from the betrayal and disillusionment of the breakup, you can't move forward.

For further Reading: Breakups, Guide to Moving On

Good luck.

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Posted by Vixen @ 2:41 AM :: 4 trainees letting it rip!

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Monday, July 09, 2007

When He Talks to His Ex, pt. 2

I have been dating my man for 3 years now. Recently while out on a date his ex called questioning him about why he hasn't returned her phone calls...he went into detail of his weekly schedule and was apologizing for being busy. He stated to me he hasn't seen her in 3 years, she's probably depressed because she broke up with her boyfriend. He wouldn't have had this conversation in front of me if something was going on. We have not spoken to each other in 3 days. Need help I love this man and want to marry him.

Okay sweets, here's the breakdown. He can't control how his ex acts---the only thing he has control over is how he is acting with her and around her, whether or not you are present. It sounds to me that even though you were there while conversing with her, he was still trying to maintain his untarnished image of a good guy in her eyes. That's why he apologized. Now going into detail about his life---that is just waaaaaay too much information to be sharing with an ex of over 3 years ago.

Unless they have a child together, I still stand by my view of exes maintaining their separate lives in their separate universes. Co-parenting aside, there should be no reason to hang out and chill with your ex.

I'm sure by now he's realized the error of his ways and is apologizing to YOU, trying to get back into your good graces. Unless this is a holding pattern or something that happens often, my advice is to just let it slide with a slap on the wrist. Something along the lines of, "It bugs me when you share TMI with your _____ (insert appropriate name here) ex." His response would be to ask why, and this is when you can share all your nitty gritty reasons ranging from the purely emotional to the purely instinctual.

Oh---heads up with the ex. She might be depressed and everything but for the fact that she's upset and your man is the first one she calls? Hmmm, sounds like a prime man stealer right there. Follow your instincts, but at the same time, have a level of trust for your man. Good luck!

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Posted by Vixen @ 6:12 PM :: 5 trainees letting it rip!

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Saturday, June 23, 2007

On Spending Time with His Ex

I got a question today that elicited a "Oh Hell Fucking No!" response. What does a Bad Girl do when your boyfriend wants to spend time with his ex-girlfriend?

I'm not from the school of thought that supports fraternizing with an ex. An ex is an ex for a reason---you two broke up. Sure, you can be amicable and grown about it, even acting mature when you do interact socially, but going out of your way to hang out with that person? That just smells plain fishy to me. I know that several people will claim that somehow they make it work, but I think that you can't go backwards once you've had an intimate relationship with someone. One of you will always want more---and one if you is probably still holding out that you'll still get back together (my bet it's that it's the chick.)

Being 'friends' with an ex is one thing...spending time with said ex, that's a whole 'nother game. See when you spend time with someone, you share experiences, and with shared experiences you do get closer. So if the whole premise of you two breaking up was cause you couldn't get along, then why are you still hanging out?

Sista girl, tell your man that him hanging out with his ex in any shape, form or fashion is unacceptable to you. He's going to fire back, "But we are just friends," then you fire back, "Not anymore." It's not something that is negotiable, if he wants to be friends with his ex, then he can't have you in his life. The boundary has to be very clear that you aren't putting up with the bullshit.

For the fact that he's even bringing this up to you should be a red flag. A man that is the right man for you wouldn't have his ex in his life. He wouldn't be talking to her, hanging out with her or fraternizing with her. Period. Don't accept scraps...claim your man 100% YOURS. If he's giving you scraps, then once again, he's not the one.

Good Luck.

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Posted by Vixen @ 11:16 PM :: 7 trainees letting it rip!

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Friday, June 15, 2007

Returning Gifts Post Breakup

Most people believe that once a gift is given, regardless of what it is, it remains property of the receiver. However for some petty reason post breakup, a good portion of couples want to divide assets as if they were squabbling over divorce property. One of my good college friends would never, ever give a gift back post breakup. She'd rather keep it and have a burning party of her own a la Waiting to Exhale, keep it because she likes it, or sell it on Ebay for some cold hard cash. Her theory was that he gave it to her and possession is 9/10ths of the law and what's he going to do with used items anyway?

Where does the line fall a reader asked me via email last night? Here's what I think should be returned and what should be kept.
  1. The Engagement/Wedding Rings: This goes back. I've watched enough episodes of Judge Judy to know that the ring automatically defaults to the giver...unless you paid for it---in which case, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU BUY YOUR OWN ENGAGEMENT RING?
  2. Electronics: This falls into the gray zone apparently. If it's purchased by the both of you, then one person should buy the other out. However, if you want to be a bitch, keep the 64 inch flat screen plasma and stick him with the Best Buy bill. (Seriously---don't do this, he could take you to court for it!) Smaller items like cameras, cell phones, Ipods etc. you keep.
  3. Lingerie: Ummm, you keep this. What you choose to do with it is up to you.
  4. Heirlooms: This has to be returned. If it's his grandmother's pillow, mothers jewelry or father's watch...anything that belongs to a member of his family gets returned.
  5. Clothes: When the Boyfriend and I moved in together, he had this really cute pair of Tommy Hilfiger pajamas with hearts all over them. He was sorting his clothes and asked me whether to throw it into the donation pile or not. Apparently, one of his exes had given it to him the Valentine's day before he met me. You could tell from his eyes that he was actually nervous with what my reaction would be. "You should keep them," I said. "Really??" he replied, so surprised by my words. "Oh yes, they fit me perfectly," I stated as I slipped into them and forever claimed those Pjs. They are still my favorite pajamas. Thanks ex-chick! Oh yeah, so the point of this was to say---that clothes, I guess you can keep so your new chick can rock them...lol
Okay, that's all I can think of right now. If anyone has anything else to add, leave a comment. And to everyone that is going to read the Erotica novella...I'm still working on it but it should be done in a few days. Thanks!

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Posted by Vixen @ 12:00 AM :: 13 trainees letting it rip!

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Monday, May 28, 2007

Waiting for the One

I'm putting this up here for all my Bad Girls in Training that have been through rough breakups in the last few months. My sister sent this to me after my last breakup and it was really, truly empowering, inspiring and comforting to me. I hope it can be the same for you.

Find a guy...
who calls you beautiful instead of hot.
who calls you back when you hang up on him.
who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.

Wait for the guy...
who kisses your forehead.
who wants to show you off to the world even if you are in your sweats.
who holds your hand in front of his friends.

Wait for the guy...
who treats you like a princess and puts no other woman ahead of you
who isn't ever afraid or ashamed to tell you he loves you and
whose kiss makes your heart flutter.

Wait for the one who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you
and how lucky he is to have you.
Wait for the one who turns to his friends and says, "...that's her."

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Posted by Vixen @ 12:37 AM :: 7 trainees letting it rip!

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Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Done with Sex/Men & Dating: Meet Kelly

What this "comment" boils down to is that I am really beginning to get concerned about my lack of interest in not only men but sex in general. As you know, I went through a rather ugly divorce from the man I considered my soul mate (Sept. will be 2 years.) I'm not hung up on my ex in any way, shape or form but I do find that I miss the connection that we once shared. I don't necessarily miss having that connection with him but just having that sort of connection with another person period.

What concerns me the most (lol, which is why I have read your site for so long) is that I am....used to be a VERY sexual person, I loved sex, adored it and wanted it more than any other woman that I have ever known. Now....and since my divorce I find that my mind rarely even considers sex anymore. Coming from a woman who "pleasured herself" in between sex with my husband, it's rather surprising to me that I now have -0- interest in sex. NONE whatsoever. I can't even remember the last time that sex crossed my mind.....probably the last time that I had time to stop in and read your blog. I also have no yearnings whatsoever to meet, find or date a man.....and no, not a woman either in case that crosses your mind. :o) I don't know if my sexuality is 100% tied up into my feelings for my partner and no partner = no interest but I gotta tell ya....I'm more than a little concerned about this.

Answer: I think it's completely natural to go through phases of your sexuality. Especially after going through a deep breakup and divorce. The period after divorce is actually one of mourning, it's almost like someone died in your family. You lived with someone that you thought was your soul mate for several years, loved him, planned your life with him and had that vision completely shattered. Not only that, but the events after the divorce were ugly enough to leave a bitter taste in your mouth about men in general. I'm not advising you to wallow in your bitter feelings---but accept this phase as completely natural.

Part of the survival technique post breakup/divorce is to focus your mind and priorities on other elements so that you don't have to dwell in the pain of the broken relationship. Your mind has turned to survival mode. You've turned your focus to your career in nursing school as well as the kids and this is a healthy shift. There isn't anything wrong with where you are at. Some of your friends might argue that it's been long enough and for you to move on already---but you can only move on when you are completely ready to do so. We can't use other peoples yardsticks to measure our lives. Your mind, soul, body, heart and spirit all must fully heal and when that happens, the shift will reoccur and all your sexy crazy coolness will come right back.

I believe that all elements are combined together and work together as a whole. So if your sexy is fine and your heart still isn't, there is going to be a disconnect. There is nothing wrong with you...nothing at all. Just keep doing you and relax...the Goddess is still there, she's just in hibernation for a while. She'll come roaring back to life soon and then you'll be humping poles and stuff;)

Good luck.

To the room: Has anyone else experienced this post breakup/divorce? What did you do to get over it? Have you gotten over it? Did the Goddess come back better than ever?

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Posted by Vixen @ 11:19 AM :: 3 trainees letting it rip!

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Monday, May 14, 2007

Breaking Up is Hard to Do

My boyfriend of almost two years approached me and told me that he had met someone and there was a "spark type thing". Actually he had been acting weird so I interrogated it out of him. I broke up with him because I didn't feel like it was fair to me. I know that he loves me, and he acknowledges that I'm the world to him. I can't imagine not having him. Do you think I made the right decision? I personally have been in the same position, I met a really great guy while my boyfriend and I were dating...nothing ever happened with that guy but there was something there that I could have pursued but I never really had the desire to leave my boyfriend, or ex boyfriend. I initiated and pushed for the breakup because unless he's willing to commit to me and is positive that I'm the only one for him I can't be there and watch him ever wonder what life would have been like had he met this girl when he was single. Any thoughts or advice for a bad girl in training who feels like shit.

Honey...you are being a fabulous Bad Girl all by yourself. I know you must be going through emotional angst, hurt and disappointment right now, but you followed your instincts and trust me, they are serving you well. It's such an awful feeling when the person you want to be with has a 'thing' for someone else. It's more unfortunate that he didn't man up and tell you until you interrogated him, but your sixth sense really did steer you right, something was up with him. I know that it's instinctual to want to hang on to someone especially after a significant amount of time together, but he's in a totally different phase than you are. He's still looking around, with you for the moment until someone 'better' comes along. You on the other hand stated that you want a deeper level of commitment. Obviously the two of you weren't on the same page.

A "Spark Type Thing" as much as he would love to declassify it is a synonym for saying that not only does he have an attraction to this girl, not only does he want to have sex with her....he also feels an emotional connection. Your boyfriend feels an emotional connection to another lady. I don't know if this is an instant spark deal or if it's something that's grown over time, but something is fishy in his story.

I agree with breaking up with him---I would have done the same. I don't want to play second fiddle to anyone's ideal of what their dream partner should be. If I'm not the one for you, then let me free so that I can find the guy who is truly right for me. Remember, an ideal relationship is a reciprocal one, one that exhibits on both sides the ideal chemistry, intensity and emotions that the other person feels as well. If you are more in love with him than he is with you, especially to the level that he has a "spark type thing" with another woman, then you are selling yourself short and should cut ties. My gut feeling is that there is something more to the story about this Spark lady that he's not telling you. You will probably never know, but at least you broke up with him before it got alot worse. I know you are thinking that maybe after Spark Lady is out of his system, he might be ready to settle down with you. That would happen, in an ideal fairy tale, and we all know that life is rarely like the fairy tale. He isn't ready to settle down...and might not be for a loooooooong time.

Kudos to you for thinking with your mind, gut as well as your heart. Hang in there sweets...remember with every relationship, every heartbreak, you are one step closer to being your ideal self and meeting your ideal mate. Now go stock up on some ice cream, your fav breakup jams and rally your girls around. Oh...and here are some other tips to help you along during the next rocky few weeks.

HUGS!


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Posted by Vixen @ 11:59 AM :: 3 trainees letting it rip!

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Thursday, March 29, 2007

When You Are Jealous of His New Girlfriend: Meet Natasha

On the infamous Myspace an ex-boyfriend found me. Outside of our relationship thereafter we have always been good friends until I lost his new phone number accidentally. Anyways I'm looking at his pictures, many of which with his new girlfriend, and they look so happy and I'm real jealous. Now I'm in a relationship and have been for the last 3 years. In reference to my ex-boyfriend I never remember him looking that good. I'm more attracted to him now than I've ever been when I was with him.

If you were wondering the reason we broke up is because we got to a point where he couldn't keep up with me. I knew more than him in every aspect of my life, his life and society as a whole. He acknowledged that and since I was not in the mood to teach or wait for him to catch on/up, so in order to experience life in the fashion I wanted to so we parted ways.

Look Nat, it seems to me like you are suffering from the "One that Got Away" syndrome. You have to examine your reasons for this so called attraction. Your ex is looking better to you and more attractive, mainly because he's no longer with you and seems quite happier with someone else. The jealousy comes from there as you've correctly identified.

It sucks when you see someone you had deep feelings for head over heels in love with someone else. Mainly because as insecure beings, we place our self-worth on the validation that we hold a special place in someone else's life. When you feel like you've been replaced and forgotten, it is a blow to your self esteem.

Snap out of it sister! He isn't with you for a reason. The reason you broke up with him is still there even more than three years after the fact. You might think that he's more 'mature' now and more on your level, but you two weren't compatible then, and won't be compatible now. He's found happiness and compatibility with someone else, a girl that understands his thinking and is on the same path as he is. The right thing to do is wish him well and claim your happiness.

You have a committed, long-term relationship with your boyfriend, who for some reason you don't sound as happy to be with. You didn't gush to him at all about your current beau, and just talked about this Ex and how attractive he is. Which sounds an alarm to me that there is some issues there. Harboring feelings of an ex has the ability to stifle your current/new relationship. The fact that you are even jealous signals that you still have some strong feelings towards your ex. Not good. You have got to let this ex go...in every way possible. Being friends with him is not helping you move forward. Besides, you are just providing the temptation of a future liaison at a later date. Enough with the open-endedness. Let. Him. Go.

I would also advise spending less time on Myspace and more quality time with your boyfriend in real life. You sound like you are an adventurous person that wants to live la vida loca, so do so. Remember, if a book where written about you today, what would you want it to say? That you are still in love with your ex after 3+ years; that you wish to sabotage his new relationship breaking multiple hearts in the process; that he's more attractive now so you slept with him and betrayed your boyfriend's trust? Or would you want it to say that you are a wonderful, beautiful woman--both inside and out; who knows what she wants out of life and lives every moment to the fullest, spreading love and happiness wherever she goes?

Anyway, that's all I have to say about that. Good luck and please, make the right choice.


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Posted by Vixen @ 12:32 AM :: 2 trainees letting it rip!

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Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Getting Over Love: Meet Brad

I got this question from a reader last week and want you ladies to pitch in with this one. He's a 20 year old guy that just got dumped by his girlfriend of 4.5 months. They were pretty close, had the same circle of friends and enjoyed alot of the same activities.
"She was the first girl I loved so much that I would sacrifice my well being for her love and for something that precious to fall out of your hands is just something of a feeling hard to describe. She was the kind of person you always look forward to see whenever you're happy, sad, lonely or just need someone to talk to. She wasn't just a gf... she was a friend and someone you could talk comfortably to, without leaving out any details to save your pride.

It's been 3 about 7 weeks since the break up and I thought I got over her but everything I do reminds me of her. Everyplace I go I think to myself, "she would of loved to have seen this or been here". I can't get her out of my head. There's still a part of me that wants to hold on to her and I don't like it. I WANT to move on but can't. I've tried everything from telling my self that she's a bitch, she'll regret it, I'm better off without her... everything people have recommended and they just can't seem to work. Her love has put a dent in my heart that I can't fix. And ever since the breakup I feal insecure about love, the way I look and everything about my personality.

Maybe I just feel lonely, or maybe I feel lost but I can't look at a girl the same way anymore. I just feel tangled in my heart, as if I have nothing to look forward to in life anymore. Please get back to me and tell me what you think I should do."
Brad hon, breakups are hard. There is no simple solution to getting over someone. There is no way to go around it, you just have to go through it. The emotions you have are valid, and the hurt is there to tell you something...You are still alive. You are still breathing. You are still here, and you aren't going to let her leaving you break you. Even though your life and relationship was closely tangled up with hers, you have to do alot of severance. Remember, you had a life before she saucily walked into it---so claim it back!

You have to start being more proactive in your future. The less time you have that you are doing nothing, the less time you have to think and mourn Miss Heartbreaker. Join social groups, make new friends, get involved in the community, volunteer, adopt a little brother, try new hangouts and restaurants, start new hobbies and build new memories. Sweets, you are going to be an aviator!! How cool is that? Why aren't you excited about that?

I'm all about wallowing in the pain for a few weeks, but dude---according to your blog, it's been almost 2 months. I have a theory that you should only wallow in the misery of a breakup for no more than half the time you guys were together. Which would give you just one more week of wallowing. After that you are just creating a shrine to lost love and preventing yourself from moving on to a bigger and better love.

Yes, she took your heart and trampled on it but that doesn't mean that she owns you. She's gone and it's up to you to pick up the pieces and move on. Yes, nostalgia hits at random times, even when you think you are over her, some song, word or thought will trigger memories that will bring up all those vivid emotions again. Don't be freaked out by it, it's just a natural part of letting go.

We've all been there the pain of heartbreak...falling in love should come with a large 'CAUTION: May cause Heartbreak' sign. But it doesn't. However that doesn't mean that you give up on love. The beauty of love is that each time you fall in love, you will feel all those wonderfully intense feelings of euphoria again. (It's a biological certainty.) I know that you think she was the best thing since Prometheus gave man fire, but honestly---her sh*t still stinks. Reading over your blog, she sounds like a spoiled little princess that always got her way. Not the kind of person that you should create a shrine of everlasting love to. Just my 2 cents.

It's not expected that you jump right in the saddle with a new chick, but eventually, one day in the not too distant future, you will realise that you haven't thought about her in days, in weeks, in months...! And who knows, by then you might have met a woman that wants to be with you as deeply and as much as you want to be with her.

Your thoughts?

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Posted by Vixen @ 2:49 AM :: 5 trainees letting it rip!

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Sunday, October 08, 2006

What Not to Do When You Get Dumped

Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned. ~ William Congreve

After going through all the stages of grief, wallowing in self-pity, heartbreak, pain and disillusionment, naturally the first thing that pops to your head is revenge. The guy that you had all your hopes and dreams pinned on has shattered them into a million little pieces. You want him to feel the same pain you feel, all the hurt, all the torture and all the heartbreak. In your head you imagine that he has already moved on, and you drive by his house to check up on him. There is a piece of you that doesn't want to let him go, and it's that part that drives you to revenge.

There are some sure fire ways to get back at your ex, however, none of them are fool proof. You could have a roasting party ala Angela Basset in Waiting to Exhale, igniting all his possessions into a beautiful bonfire and toasting marshmallows over the flames. However, this is a sure fire way to also get yourself sued for damage to property...and you might end up paying HIM out the nose the full cost of his crap.

You could physically try to beat the crap out of him, like Jennifer Lopez in Enough. The drawback here is that you might injure yourself in the process, kill him by accident (or on purpose if you are strong enough) and once again Go to Jail without passing Go or collecting $200.

Bear in mind that you going to prison is not going to help the situation any. Can you imagine pleading your case in court for 'Temporary Insanity' or any other possible reasons why you caused him physical pain? Courts these days are not even as lenient as you might think. Besides the aggravation of going to court, count the cost before you decide to enact on your revenge.

A quote that comes to my mind is "Revenge is a dish best served cold." You could wait for a few weeks, a few months and then decide to take out your revenge, so that he doesn't automatically suspect you. One of my friends had all his mail re-routed to the Statue of Liberty.

Through most of my breakups, one of the best books that I read was by Alison James entitled, "I Used to Miss Him but Now my Aim is Improving." It is a sassy, confidant book that helps you all through the breakup process and shows you ways to get your ego back. It's not crazy for you to have thoughts of murdering your ex, and the author shows you through humorous ideas how to channel that energy and help you move on. She gives wonderful tips of revenge that aren't liable to get you arrested or injured; you can learn how to make a voodoo doll of your ex, take a road trip cross country and leave his number in all the gay bars you come across and get in good with his mom and sister so that they will constantly remind him how great you are and how well you are doing.

He already has the upper hand by breaking up with you...your best revenge would be to live the rest of your life well, find a better man that he ever could be and keep believing in true love and romance.

Your thoughts?

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Posted by Vixen @ 12:49 AM :: 7 trainees letting it rip!

Talk to Me!

---------------oOo---------------