Thursday, June 05, 2008

Why Does He Want Someone Else and Not Me?

I am in the midst of a weird, dysfunctional relationship with a guy I met 2.5 years ago while he was in a long term relationship. We slowly became friends and then progressed to having an affair. After a year, I started pressuring him, and he kept telling me that it was too hard to end a long term relationship. I should have walked away then, but I didn’t. Instead, they broke up, and I thought that we would have our chance, but he started dating someone else.

He told me that it was too soon after his long term relationship to start anything with me, yet he was able to start dating someone else almost immediately after. All the while, he is telling me I am his best friend and his soul mate and he can't not have me in his life.

I am having a VERY HARD time getting over him. Almost as if, if I can’t "get" this guy, I will never find another guy that I have that much chemistry with. I think that is why I am holding on to something not worth holding on to. I CANNOT seem to get over the fact that he chose this other girl. I think about it all the time, analyzing it and driving myself crazy. In a recent post by NML, she states that "pulling back, the inconsistent behaviour, and the lack of action suggest the makings of a man who is emotionally unavailable".

But why me? I mean, I understand that he is probably emotionally unavailable with his gf, but how was he able to take action with her? And continue to do so and care enough to get back together repeatedly (they broke up twice)? How can I possibly not take it personally when it was just me that he didn’t and doesn’t want to be in a real relationship with? If he was truly emotionally unavailable, then wouldn’t he treat every other girl the way he has treated me? What makes someone girlfriend material and what makes someone other woman or fall back girl material?

Is it only really because I allowed him to be? I know in the grand scheme of things, none of it matters, and I need to stop analyzing, but I cannot get this out of my head. I have accepted everything else for what it is, but I CANNOT get past this "why her and not me" thing. Everyone tells me "it's not you, it's him", but if he can be with other people, then it is "me". Please help!

Truthfully, it's both of you. He's an asshole treating you like shit, and you are a doormat allowing him to wipe his feet all over you. This guy--he's not prize material. Not only is he totally emotionally unavailable, he's a cheat. Then on top of that, he's an emotionally detached cheat that wants to have his cake and eat it too.

The whole "you are my best friend," line that he's feeding you is just crumbs so that he can still keep you in the picture. You are feeding his ego by clinging to him even though he's shown you repeatedly that you aren't a priority to him. You were his booty call mistress. He used you to get excitement and drama in his existing relationship. He used your emotions to get validation of his sexual prowess and his manhood. It's sad that you got emotionally involved with him and got caught up in his machinations.

I get that you are feeling hurt, used and abused. I get that you are wanting a reason that he could be with another girl and not you. The truth is that you should be dancing on the rooftops celebrating that his asshole is out of your life. This girl that he's with, she's getting the picture that he's no prize either, that's why she keeps up breaking up with him. However, he must have both of you dickmotized to stay dealing with his drama and bullshit.

Why her and not you? Why does it matter? It's her and not you because you had started to see him for the lying dickweed that he was and you were trying to better yourself. It's her and not you because she's in the same needy, pathetic place that you were when you started up with him and he's taking full advantage of that. It's her and not you because the mirage has lifted for you and you see him in all his ugly manipulative colors. It's her and not you because she's another unsuspecting girl that will feed his ego and make him feel good. It's her and not you because he has history with you and with her it was a clean slate for him to recreate himself as Mr. Lover. It's her and not you because she's a sucker and you are not. Soon she too will see him for the jerk he is (hopefully sooner rather than later).

Too much of your life has been wasted on this guy already. TOO MUCH. It's time to reclaim your life and learn to love yourself. If you don't love yourself, you will just be caught up in another one of these situations a few months down the road. Take a break from men and instead foster ways to build up your self esteem and your self image. You are a fabulous woman, but you don't realize it. And if you don't realize it then the men that you consort with will keep treating you like crap and you will keep accepting shit from them.

Get yourself in order girl. That's the only way to overcome this madness. Good luck.

Labels: Ask Vixen, Break Ups

Posted by Vixen @ 1:21 AM :: 5 trainees letting it rip!

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