Bad Girl's Guide

Saturday, March 07, 2009

When He Makes You Feel Not Good Enough: Meet Melanie

I got this question from one my fav readers the other day...

I've been having a really hard time and could use some advice or support. 7 months ago I randomly met an amazing guy and started dating off the bat. He is an incredibly smart dedicated individual. In terms of relationships his views were that a relationship should consist of two people working together to help each other achieve there goals. He is a workaholic and indirectly expects the same from me. While I see nothing wrong in working hard, I am the type of person who doesn't see anything wrong with putting work aside for a few hours and going to see a movie or having a nice dinner once a week. He honestly reminds me of a robot sometimes. The sex is very to the point and seems like its just completing the human cravings for sexual gratification rather than any amount of affectionate making love.

I am having a hard time especially when he brings up his past relationships. He went to a school with a high prestigious ranking and had serious relationships there with girls who dedicated themselves completely to what they were studying and what they wanted to do with there lives. Honestly as much as I love myself; sometimes it gets really hard not to feel insignificant and worthless especially when I get reminded how dedicated everyone he admires is. I feel like rather than motivating me to work harder or be better it brings me down because he approaches it in such a critical condescending manner from insulting my school to throwing it in my face that I'm not a perfect student. He says he believes I have a lot of potential and wants to see my succeed but I can't shake this feeling of insignificant.

Lately I've been having an even harder time handling everything and being motivated to do anything. I got pregnant and am going through a miscarriage 8 weeks into it and even at this point in everything rather than be supportive and understanding to the fact that I'm having a hard time because I feel like i have no control over my own body and my hormones fluctuate through the roof it's just been a series of more pressure to work work work. It's hard being told that he thinks im Bipolar when in reality my hormones went insane and I honestly couldn't help it

I don't really know what to do. I feel very alone....

Gosh...I've been seeing all the relationship status changes on your facebook and always wondered but didn't want to pry. I know that there are 2 sides to every story but this guy doesn't sound like the right person for you. What he considers motivating is being overly critical, and him rubbing his Ivy League overly pretentious and entitled ambitious friends and self into your face isn't helping you grow, it's really beating you down emotionally.

It sounds like you are on the fast track to an abusive relationship, he's emotionally haranguing you constantly and making you feel less than what you are. He sounds like a Type A personality, and you are too warm-hearted to be in this world. The longer you stay in it, the more hurt you will become.

You two have only been together for 7 months, and it just sounds like one hassle after another. Look at the red flags honey--he's doesn't make love to you, he is a workaholic and expects you to be one too, he doesn't know how to have fun, he criticizes you and he wasn't supportive through your miscarriage. How many more red flags do you need to see before you see the writing on the wall?

Get out now before you end up more broken.

Here's the part that's gonna hurt. Are you sitting down? This isn't about him and how bad he has been, and how he tricked you into believing he was one way or another, this isn't about his opinions of you and how he isn't being supportive this is all about you.

Yeah! You!

It's about your perception of yourself and what you think you deserve. You know your personality and how you are deserves a person who is supportive, inspiring and a source of motivation, not derision, criticism and rancor. You don't need a drill sergeant as a boyfriend; you were doing good all by your fabulous self!

No one can make you feel worthless except yourself. You are the one giving him that power. Take your self respect back! If you have the kick-ass self esteem that I expect every BAD girl at this point to have, you would have not taken his shit from day 1, and set the precedence that you don't exist to be under his rule and foot.

I think that all the talk about his Ivy League girlfriends feeds into your own insecurities and how you view yourself in relation to other women in his life. This shouldn't even be a conversation you should be having with any guy. It's wholly inappropriate and you have to stand up for yourself and set the boundaries. It doesn't matter who your man has been with in the past, and how you measure up. You should feel that you measure up surpass them because he is not with them but with you.

You deserve a man that will cater to you, treat you well and respect you enough knowing that you are strong, independent woman. You've accomplished so much in your young life already, and have ambition and dreams about where you are going to go. You don't need a drill sergeant!

I think that what is going down deep inside isn't a question of whether or not you love him, but rather a dilemma of you not feeling like you deserve him. Sweets, let me tell you right now, you don't deserve him. He isn't the right guy for you. A man that talks down to you and makes you feel insignificant, who criticizes you and doesn't appreciate your successes, someone who doesn't support you in your difficult times---that is not the type of guy you deserve.

You can move on to the next level of self confidence by treating yourself to no relationship for a while. Try NML's No Contact Rule for starters. Enjoy being single and enjoy being you and then once you have embraced that you are unique you deserve a great deal, once you have identified the true meaning of loving "myself" for me---then, and only then, should you venture back into the dating pool. You have to have the right glasses to see a man for who he truly is and reject those that come with drama, red flags and heartache.

You will never be able to change him. You can never change a man! A man will only change when he wants to. Did you really envision your life like this? Did you really think that this was the type of guy that was right for you? Seriously?

Get of this nutty roller-coaster. Heal yourself physically, emotionally, mentally and all the other -llys that he might have hurt. Remember he is the one that was lucky to have you in his life not the other way around.

Good luck!

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Posted by Vixen @ 1:54 AM :: 4 trainees letting it rip!

Talk to Me!