Monday, April 07, 2008

From Booty Call to Relationship

Here's a letter I got from one my my readers the other day.

Ok, I have been dating this guy for over a year now and our relationship has not progressed to anything serious. When we first started dating I continuously said to him that I didn't want a relationship etc. (Partly because that was how I was feeling at the time and because he was older and of another nationality than me. (I have always loved Africans) but my parents have simply stereotyped them and make jokes which made me pull back from seriously dating him(on what my parents would think).

As time has progressed I have fallen for him and love his sincerity and personality and him. So my question is how do I bring up the conversation of where this is going? Or, have I already burned that opportunity because of my lack of interest during the beginning phases of our friendship. Right now we are just dating - basically we date other people. But we have sex with each other. I don't think we are only friends, probably whatever is slightly above friends we are it. I am 26 and he is 38.

To give you more perspective he used to ask me if I missed him; but I wasn't feeling him at the time so I would hesitate, etc. Now he doesn't say those things anymore. Also, before I said anything I wanted to be sure that I like him for him and not because of the material things he has, but now I am sure that I like him.

Please help,
Miss Forever Confused.

Here's the real deal---at the beginning of the relationship, you set the status quo. He's been your booty call/friends with benefits for a whole year. He got the pussy on lock-down. Perhaps in the beginning, he was really interested in you and was digging for you to be more than just another girl. But you weren't ready for that. He accepted your terms and you eliminated yourself for something serious with your choice. I'm not blaming you for anything, but you can't all of a sudden change the rules of engagement and expect him to fall in line.

Moving to another level is something that is doable, but only if he has feelings for you as well that he's been hiding all year long. Being that he's 38 and African, he is the type of person that knows what he wants. If he wanted you to be his girlfriend or wifey---trust me, you already would be. I think he does like you, but probably not as much as you want him to right now. I don't think you can ever get the respect and admiration that you had in the beginning of the relationship back. On top of that, you've been sleeping with him for close to a year with no commitment. You conducted yourself in a way that showed to him that you wanted to be a notch on his bedpost and not a place in his heart.

I'm sorry to be blunt, but I'm always a great believer in being honest about your desires.

You shouldn't let your family and friends dictate your love life. And if he realized or thought that your reticence had to do with the fact that he's African and your not, well then you definitely beyond a shadow of a doubt cut yourself out the running. I'm African, so the mentality of the great divide is something that I can relate to. Your parents being stereotypical and ignorant are on them---but how you dealt with it, that's on you. You shouldn't have let their ignorance color your mentality of how you see other people and your views on love. You aren't a little girl anymore. If you love Africans, be proud about it. Acting like it's a bad thing or that you were in the wrong for falling in love with an African just gives them the permission to continue acting stupid. Check out the guide to inter-racial dating for future experiences and learn from this one.

Honey, you can graduate from being a booty call to something more, but only if the other party is willing in this arena as well. He might still have those initial feelings, and hopefully he does. But pride is a very big thing and if he felt like you rejected his feelings last year, chances are he dumped them quick. The cards aren't in your favor sweets.

Before you broach the topic however, I would examine how far you want this to go. If you want him just to be your boyfriend, then keep in mind that your family cracking stereotypical jokes and stuff is something that you will have to deal with and get to stop. Your family should not be allowed to disrespect your man. You have to stand up for your man. You have to stand up for yourself and your choices. Also know that you are asking him to put potential drama from your family into his life. So if you don't want to take it all the way, or if you think this might just be a passing crush, I would just let things stay as they are. The closer you two get together, the more burdensome your family will be. (It doesn't sound like they will be able to even picture you married to an African.) So be prepared for the storm.

If you've thought about all this carefully and you still think that your exotic lover is the man for you, then just tell him that you like him pretty much the way you told me. Start with something like "Tunde, I'm really into you and want what we have right now to grow into something deeper. What do you think?"

In the fairy tale, he would tell you that he has much love for you as well and that he wants to be with you in every way possible. He'll tell you that he's had all these tender feelings ever since he laid eyes on you and he was just hoping that your feelings would grow. You two would overcome all the obstacles and live happily ever after.

But life isn't always like the fairytale.

Does anyone have any input to help out Ms. Forever Confused?

Good luck.

Labels: Booty Calls, Dating, Relationship issues

Posted by Vixen @ 4:08 PM :: 4 trainees letting it rip!

Talk to Me!

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