Thursday, June 12, 2008
When He Doesn't Want You to Spend Time With His Kids
I'm not sure what to do about my current boyfriend of one year. He is 36 years old with two children; a daughter 3 years old and a son 14 years old. He has also previously been married to his daughter's mother and shares joint custody of both his son and his daughter. I am 28 years old with no children and have never been married.
My boyfriend is an awesome, dedicated, responsible father. He also is very dedicated to family, and took two of his nieces under his wing as his daughters seeing as though they have no father figures in their lives. He spends countless hours coaching, going to plays, concerts, vacations, having sleepovers at his house, etc..doing what he is supposed to do as a father and I respect that. He makes sure that his kids spend the majority of their nights in his home as opposed to their mothers, and he often tells me that he does everything for all the kids and his nieces and it's hard being a single parent.
My issue is, he doesn't involve me in anything to do with his children or his family. I've had brief encounters with them and his son knows who I am, but nothing more. He says he will not subject his children to seeing him around me because children become attached and if things don't work out he'll have to explain that to them. His sister and his parents ask about me but I have never met them. He also never invites me into his home. I feel as if he has one life for children, family and friends..then a totally separate life for me. I don't appreciate this because we are not in the first few months of this relationship anymore, we are 13 months in. He spends time with me in my home, he has hung out with me and my friends, my parents ask about him and for him all the time, and I love having him in my life. I make it a point to do whatever, whenever for him and I "take the back seat" often times for the sake of respecting his life. However I just feel like something isn't right. I don't doubt that he is a good man, because he is respectful of women, he doesn't associate with certain people or hang out in certain places, and he is educated, well known in his community and he is a Mason. He also has expressed to me how he feels about me and compliments me to no end. My friends think I'm a lucky woman and we can't keep our hands off of each other when we spend time.
However, am I wrong for wanting to go on dates with my man, and spend nights at his house? Am I supposed to back off and take a backseat until all of his children are grown? I feel like I can never make plans with him or expect him to do much more for me past sex, and eating my food when I cook or hanging out on the couch at my apartment. I want the traditional relationship that I feel I deserve. I want conversations, and when I call he often feels as if I am "nagging" him because I want to express how I feel.
Should I take a loss with this one and split? Or work on it? It's been over a year and I really like this man!
Okay hun this is going to hurt---chillax! Chill the fuck out! It's not a problem that he's not bringing you around his kids, it's a BLESSING! It shows that first of all, he's a good father that doesn't want to expose his children to the revolving door that dating can be, and that he's prioritizing them as he should. In addition, he's showing that he respects your relationship and wants it to grow normally without external factors aka drama ville and playing the Stepmom. There will be time in the future for that, but right now, you should be glad he's not using you as a built in babysitter.
You get to savor the time spent with your man one on one without kids in the background demanding his attention. This is a bonus~~trust me! You can walk around naked or in your sexy underthings and throw down in the living room, washing machine and kitchen whenever your heart desires. There aren't toys and stuff laying all around and you aren't fighting for his attention when he's with you.
Now about him taking you to meet the parents, that is something that he probably isn't comfortable with yet. There is no time line for meeting the parents, once again it's not something that should be rushed. It could be that his parents are attached to his ex and he doesn't want to expose you to the censure. He could be trying to ease things slowly and get them used to the idea that he's seeing someone else. It could also be that his family are from the old school, and meeting the parents is a declaration that he wants to marry you. Perhaps that's a step that he's not ready for yet, and doesn't want the added pressure from his parents. This is not something that should break your relationship..in fact, it shows that he doesn't need approval from his family to be with a woman that he loves. Another good sign.
I sense that your greatest fear is that you are like his secret girlfriend, the one he sees on the side that noone knows about. This is a legitimate concern, but he's already introduced you to his son. He wouldn't have done that if he was hiding you (trust me kids talk!) And he's talked about you to his family already. Another good sign.
His ex might be the baby mama from hell who tortures any woman that comes around him or her kid. She might have the mentality of "If he won't have me, then he can't have anyone", and experience might have shown him that it's better to keep it separate, for your safety and his peace of mind.
He doesn't sound like the shady sort. He doesn't sound like he's not into you---in fact, he carves time out of his busy life to spend time exclusively with you. These are all good things. Due to all the responsibilities and obligations that he has, it sounds like he's dealing with them quite well, and I sense that you actually respect that about him.
The main thing that I can advise is that you tell him that you would like to spend more time with him. Acknowledge that you love his company and although you don't mind taking the backseat once in a while, it's important for you to feel like you have a man in your life as well. Put your emotions and needs in the forefront of this conversation. He's so used to putting everyone else first and you are falling probably into 4th or 5th place. Tell him you want to have a date night once a week, and another day that is exclusively just you. You aren't asking for too much by telling him that you want more attention.
Other tips for carving time out would be to go for the coaching games, since he spends so many hours there, and be his own personal cheerleader (don't forget to wear a cute outfit). Although his mind will be at the game, you get to be close to him, and this might be a good way to meet more people in his life in an informal setting aka his friends and family. Take a good book or magazine in case it gets boring and you don't even have to stay for the whole thing. Just your presence for a few minutes there is enough to get the message across. Find something that both of you do together. Since he seems to be active, find a couple sport like tennis or take hikes together. You don't have to limit yourself to waiting for his schedule to fit you in. Call him up, ask for his availability that week and plan something fun. Even if it's just a picnic, at least it's something new that you two are doing together.
He sounds like he's a great guy and I would hate for you to lose him because you are hung up over issues that aren't a big deal. Just relax, take initiative in how you spend time with him, and don't be in such a rush to meet everyone. It will happen when it happens and just make sure that whoever you meet, you remain your gracious, respectful self, and it will all be good.
Labels: Baby Mama Drama, Relationship issues
Posted by Vixen @ 12:27 AM ::
4 trainees letting it rip!
Talk to Me!