Bad Girl's Guide

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Psycho Baby Mama Drama

Help I'm 19 years old and I am dating a 20 year old man with a psycho baby mama. I want to trust him . But its kind of hard when she calls me private every other day. Telling me she's still having sex with him. On his part he told me not to worry. But why do I feel like I'm being played. He says the only reason they broke up was due to her lack of trust in him. Vixen what do I do...I feel like breaking down, or breaking her in half.

Honey, I'm going to break it down to you clear and simple. You are being played. She's playing with your emotions.

From what you are saying, she wants him back...and she's going through you to get him back. She doesn't mind that you are in the picture, it just gives her someone to vent her anger on---you are the doormat and the source of her angst. But the truth of the matter is that you are an innocent party (somewhat) in all this, you just got hooked up with the wrong guy.

Not every guy that has a baby mama is going to be with a crazy one...most women are so over their Ex and just want what's best for the kid. This ex? Is not one of those women. She wants him back, and it eats her up that he's with you. She's trying to get to you to ruin your relationship...she's saying whatever she can and doing whatever she can to scare you off.

As for him? I don't know him well enough to quantify if he's really sleeping with her or if she's just making this up...but I would take it with a grain of salt. In every lie there is an element of truth---maybe he has slept with her in the past, is actively flirting with her or saying stuff to put her hopes up. A relationship without trust is nothing. So if you want to keep him, you have to make up your mind to give him the benefit of doubt, trust him, and ignore her antics to the best of your ability. She's trying to control and manipulate your emotions, take that power from her and don't allow her to.

Personally, I would just stay clear from the whole situation. No man is worth all that stress, and you are too young and have too much going on for you to sign up for all this drama. She's going to be in his life until the kid is 18 at the very least---are you sure that you are ready for all that? They clearly still have alot of baggage together, and he doesn't sound like he's laying down the law to protect you.

She sounds like the jealous type, and I can see why that would break up their relationship. Baby mama wants him back...and she wants to get you out of the way.

Good luck.

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Posted by Vixen @ 11:52 AM :: 4 trainees letting it rip!

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Thursday, June 12, 2008

When He Doesn't Want You to Spend Time With His Kids

I'm not sure what to do about my current boyfriend of one year. He is 36 years old with two children; a daughter 3 years old and a son 14 years old. He has also previously been married to his daughter's mother and shares joint custody of both his son and his daughter. I am 28 years old with no children and have never been married.

My boyfriend is an awesome, dedicated, responsible father. He also is very dedicated to family, and took two of his nieces under his wing as his daughters seeing as though they have no father figures in their lives. He spends countless hours coaching, going to plays, concerts, vacations, having sleepovers at his house, etc..doing what he is supposed to do as a father and I respect that. He makes sure that his kids spend the majority of their nights in his home as opposed to their mothers, and he often tells me that he does everything for all the kids and his nieces and it's hard being a single parent.

My issue is, he doesn't involve me in anything to do with his children or his family. I've had brief encounters with them and his son knows who I am, but nothing more. He says he will not subject his children to seeing him around me because children become attached and if things don't work out he'll have to explain that to them. His sister and his parents ask about me but I have never met them. He also never invites me into his home. I feel as if he has one life for children, family and friends..then a totally separate life for me. I don't appreciate this because we are not in the first few months of this relationship anymore, we are 13 months in. He spends time with me in my home, he has hung out with me and my friends, my parents ask about him and for him all the time, and I love having him in my life. I make it a point to do whatever, whenever for him and I "take the back seat" often times for the sake of respecting his life. However I just feel like something isn't right. I don't doubt that he is a good man, because he is respectful of women, he doesn't associate with certain people or hang out in certain places, and he is educated, well known in his community and he is a Mason. He also has expressed to me how he feels about me and compliments me to no end. My friends think I'm a lucky woman and we can't keep our hands off of each other when we spend time.

However, am I wrong for wanting to go on dates with my man, and spend nights at his house? Am I supposed to back off and take a backseat until all of his children are grown? I feel like I can never make plans with him or expect him to do much more for me past sex, and eating my food when I cook or hanging out on the couch at my apartment. I want the traditional relationship that I feel I deserve. I want conversations, and when I call he often feels as if I am "nagging" him because I want to express how I feel.

Should I take a loss with this one and split? Or work on it? It's been over a year and I really like this man!
Okay hun this is going to hurt---chillax! Chill the fuck out! It's not a problem that he's not bringing you around his kids, it's a BLESSING! It shows that first of all, he's a good father that doesn't want to expose his children to the revolving door that dating can be, and that he's prioritizing them as he should. In addition, he's showing that he respects your relationship and wants it to grow normally without external factors aka drama ville and playing the Stepmom. There will be time in the future for that, but right now, you should be glad he's not using you as a built in babysitter.

You get to savor the time spent with your man one on one without kids in the background demanding his attention. This is a bonus~~trust me! You can walk around naked or in your sexy underthings and throw down in the living room, washing machine and kitchen whenever your heart desires. There aren't toys and stuff laying all around and you aren't fighting for his attention when he's with you.

Now about him taking you to meet the parents, that is something that he probably isn't comfortable with yet. There is no time line for meeting the parents, once again it's not something that should be rushed. It could be that his parents are attached to his ex and he doesn't want to expose you to the censure. He could be trying to ease things slowly and get them used to the idea that he's seeing someone else. It could also be that his family are from the old school, and meeting the parents is a declaration that he wants to marry you. Perhaps that's a step that he's not ready for yet, and doesn't want the added pressure from his parents. This is not something that should break your relationship..in fact, it shows that he doesn't need approval from his family to be with a woman that he loves. Another good sign.

I sense that your greatest fear is that you are like his secret girlfriend, the one he sees on the side that noone knows about. This is a legitimate concern, but he's already introduced you to his son. He wouldn't have done that if he was hiding you (trust me kids talk!) And he's talked about you to his family already. Another good sign.

His ex might be the baby mama from hell who tortures any woman that comes around him or her kid. She might have the mentality of "If he won't have me, then he can't have anyone", and experience might have shown him that it's better to keep it separate, for your safety and his peace of mind.

He doesn't sound like the shady sort. He doesn't sound like he's not into you---in fact, he carves time out of his busy life to spend time exclusively with you. These are all good things. Due to all the responsibilities and obligations that he has, it sounds like he's dealing with them quite well, and I sense that you actually respect that about him.

The main thing that I can advise is that you tell him that you would like to spend more time with him. Acknowledge that you love his company and although you don't mind taking the backseat once in a while, it's important for you to feel like you have a man in your life as well. Put your emotions and needs in the forefront of this conversation. He's so used to putting everyone else first and you are falling probably into 4th or 5th place. Tell him you want to have a date night once a week, and another day that is exclusively just you. You aren't asking for too much by telling him that you want more attention.

Other tips for carving time out would be to go for the coaching games, since he spends so many hours there, and be his own personal cheerleader (don't forget to wear a cute outfit). Although his mind will be at the game, you get to be close to him, and this might be a good way to meet more people in his life in an informal setting aka his friends and family. Take a good book or magazine in case it gets boring and you don't even have to stay for the whole thing. Just your presence for a few minutes there is enough to get the message across. Find something that both of you do together. Since he seems to be active, find a couple sport like tennis or take hikes together. You don't have to limit yourself to waiting for his schedule to fit you in. Call him up, ask for his availability that week and plan something fun. Even if it's just a picnic, at least it's something new that you two are doing together.

He sounds like he's a great guy and I would hate for you to lose him because you are hung up over issues that aren't a big deal. Just relax, take initiative in how you spend time with him, and don't be in such a rush to meet everyone. It will happen when it happens and just make sure that whoever you meet, you remain your gracious, respectful self, and it will all be good.

Good luck!

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Posted by Vixen @ 12:27 AM :: 4 trainees letting it rip!

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Friday, May 30, 2008

When You Are Too Young to Be a Step Mom

I asked for questions...and boy did I get some questions. Alright, this is probably going to take me a while to get through all of them, so if your question is super urgent, please email that to me that it is so I can address it first. Here is the first one I got a couple of days ago.

I'm a 21 year old college student who recently got out of a 2.5 year relationship. I'm out there enjoying the single life, and thankfully I know just what I want in a guy and what is a dealbreaker. (And, of course, I keep my booty call in check! :P ) Here's my question - I recently met a guy that I'm starting to feel strongly for. He's got everything I like in a man - intelligent, funny, great looking, steady job, the works. There's just one problem. He's older than me - 33 - and this does not bother me one little bit (I've always dated older guys and I've never heard that I was "too young" for any of them), but what does make me nervous is that he has a 10 year old daughter. Kids aren't a dealbreaker for me either (a concern, but not an absolute can't-do-it), but there's just something about the fact that I'm closer to HER age than HIS, know what I mean?I'm trying to put my thoughts together about it, but I was hoping you'd have some insight into a weird situation. I'll admit, I really like this guy and I secretly hope you'll tell me this isn't going to be a big deal.
Do you want the truth or do you want the sugarcoated version? You have to follow your intuition, and your sixth sense is telling you that this is going to be a big deal. I'm not as worried of the 10 year gap between you and Daddy dearest, because you are going into this with your eye's wide open. You've dated older men before, so you know the pitfalls and hurdles that you are going to cross.

However, when you add a child into the mix things start to get dicey. If the relationship works out and you end up with this guy for several years, then you will have a larger responsibility towards his offspring than you do now.

You have to walk into these kind of relationships with the understanding that you are possibly going to be her step mother and that you will be in your late 20's when she hits the terrible teens. Can you handle that kind of responsiblity? Because this decision is more and more about the child and less and less about you. How much of your life have you fully experienced before taking on this monumental role? What kind of advice can you give her? What have you accomplished for yourself? Do you even know yourself and have you grown to your own potential? These are questions you need to ask before you can even think of taking on such a huge role in her life.

Don't get it twisted, you aren't signing up to be her mom. She already has a mother. Your role will be more like a cool aunt than anything, but what are you going to do when she backtalks you, disrespects you, monopolizes time with Daddy dearest or trashes your stuff? It's going to be like having a little sister around, except this sister you can't beat the shizz out of when she gets on your nerves.

Getting involved with single parents isn't the same as getting in a relationship with someone without kids. It's a whole another level of communication and patience that you will need to deal with all the hurdles that it involves. The dynamics of the relationship are different---you aren't going to be number 1, his child will always come first, and you will have to sacrifice alot more than you realize. There is also the issues with baby mama drama (if he has any). It's alot to sign up for and I'm not sure if at 22 you are experienced enough to handle all the problems that will arise.

At the same time, I'm an advocate for following your heart. So if you feel in your heart that this is the right guy for you, and you think that he's worth all the stress, angst and drama you are going to go through, then by all means stand up for your man. Word of warning, it's going to be hard---really, really hard. Personally, I would cut my losses and back out. Remaining friends and being a supportive "adult figure" in the child's life is better and more permanent than being just another girl that fucks her father and makes women in relationships look bad.

Talk to your significant other. I don't know how long you two have been together, so this line of thought might even be premature, but if you think that you want to have something longterm wtih this guy, you are going to have to confide your fears to him to see what he thinks. For all you know, he might not even want you to interact with his child at all until the relationship is more solidified.

Listen to your intuition. It's not steering you wrong. Good luck.

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Posted by Vixen @ 1:29 AM :: 0 trainees letting it rip!

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Saturday, May 10, 2008

Baby Mama Drama part 4: Are all Her Kids Yours too?

Say your man's baby mama has a brood of several children, but only one for your man. Should you automatically extend yourself to all her other kids just because she's his baby mama? Should you invite her other children out when you take yours out? What is the etiquette around this anyway?

This is one of those questions that I have a hard time answering because it's so subjective. There are alot of factors that weigh into the decision. Personally I don't do kids, much less 2 or 3 or more. So having a bunch of brats kiddies over at my crib is so not happening.

The relationship that your man has with his baby mama factors in as well. If he's cool with her, then it might be a possibility. If she's a crazy psycho baby mama, stay the hell away from that drama.

Here's what I think. For birthday parties invite her kids. Anything else---count them out unless your man specifically wants them along. Remember that you are both responsible for her kids when they are in your custody, so if anything goes wrong you can be held liable. And trust me, when the kids are running amok at the supermarket and you tell them to be quiet and they say, "You are not my mommy," you will be tempted to deck them and wipe that smirk off their face. But you can't and have to restrain yourself gritting your teeth.

At least you know with your guy he can open a can of discipline if needs be, but heaven knows how the other kids act in public. Personally I would stay away from that palavar. So to the answer to your question---if her kids are all yours too, the answer is no. You don't owe her anything more than loving the one (or 2) kids she has with your man.

And this is reason #294 why most women stay away from a man with baby drama.

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Posted by Vixen @ 2:35 AM :: 1 trainees letting it rip!

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Sunday, November 11, 2007

Is Baby Mama Drama Worth It?

I got a question today from a young lady contemplating delving further into a committed relationship with a man that has the baby mama from hell. I know Mistress and a few other Bad Girls are on the side of the fence that no man is worth baby mama drama, turmoil and emotional roller coaster that dealing with a kid from his ex gives...but let me stand on the other side of the fence for a moment.

Personally...I don't do kids. I've never been one to run and coddle any woman with a baby, I don't go googoo gaga over children, I don't remark that your brat is cute, I honestly don't care. I don't think I have a maternal bone in my body. I'm not saying I'm a child hater...I just don't do kids. I've had to interact with kids more times in my life than I'd like to count, from working in a daycare to being a school nurse. So I've been able to grin and bear it if I had to, but I still ultimately, don't do kids.

Then we go back in time to when Norio told me about the Kid. I was surprised that he was a dad, and skeptical when he claimed his son was so great. (Don't all parents say that?) I didn't meet the Kid until about 7 or 8 months into the relationship, and when I did, the little boy stole my heart. He's not like a kid, he's like an adult in a small person's body. I loved watching him laugh, smile and play, and even his 293 questions in a row didn't drive me up a wall.

Did that turn me into a child lover? Hell no. But knowing him made me fall in love with him as a person, as this wonderfully inquisitive and intelligent bundle of energy, wide eyed and wanting to learn everything about the world. The whole innocence and guilelessness,...man, I adore that. I sometimes wish adults were more like children, but no, we grow up and learn how to stab each other in the back.

But, I digress.

Is baby mama drama worth it? It depends, usually only if the guy is worth it. This should really be your question. Does he exceed all the expectations you have for a connection with someone? Do you feel like you are one of the most important people in his life? Are you in a loving and respectful relationship? Does the drama over weigh the relationship and the good times? If so, then hang on, it's going to be rocky ride but totally worth it. It really is up to the guy, his attributes have to outweigh the baby mama and all her drama.

If he's not treating you well, prioritizing your needs and loving you as you deserve to be loved, then it's not worth it. Cut your losses soon and scrap dating sperminators off your list.

Good luck.

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Posted by Vixen @ 4:09 AM :: 3 trainees letting it rip!

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Sunday, August 05, 2007

Baby Mama Drama: When She's a Trainwreck

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and he has a 6 year old son from his previous relationship. He is great and so is his son. We have plans to marry within a year or two. The problem I am confronted with is the baby mama. She is a complete mess. The baby doesn't even live with her, my boyfriend takes care of the baby full time. The baby mama has been in and out of jail this year and kick out of at least five places she has lived at. She disrespects me (calls me names) and makes her kid feel bad for liking me. She doesn't have a car or a stable place to live. Just recently she has been asking my boyfriend for favors. She asked my boyfriend if he could ask his family if they would shelter her. Also, she asked him to sale her his mother's car in payments. She has even been calling him for rides. I feel like this is disrespectful to me. My boyfriend feels like he needs to help her for their son sake. I don't want to be heartless but I feel that he doesn't owe her anything. He has taken full responsibility of their son and I think thats more than enough help. I am I over reacting? Should I have a talk with the baby mama?

I don't think it's up to you to talk with her. Your man should be the one talking to her. He's not setting firm boundaries in this relationship with his baby mama and she's taking advantage of that and running rough shod all over him. Asking him for rides if she's taking their son to get his immunizations is one thing---asking for rides for her to get her hair done is another. One is a necessity as well as a responsibility while the other just reeks of a baby mama taking full advantage of her sperminator.

She sounds like a total nutjob, and if I were you I would stay as far away from her as I possibly could. If your man hasn't already, encourage him to pursue full custody, because for the sake of his child, he needs to be in a nurturing, loving & stable environment and it sounds like his mama is incapable of providing that with her constant evictions and imprisonments.

You are right, he's taken full responsibility of his son and doesn't owe her anything, however obviously your man doesn't believe that. He's the one you need to talk to, he's the one giving her the nerve to ask for all this help. If he shut her down a few times and let her know that she's a grown woman and should take care of herself, she would quickly realise that he's not the one to call when she needs something. However, on some level, I sense he feels responsible for her as well as the kid, and this is what drives him to bend over backwards trying to help her. Which is a futile effort, because you really can't help someone that has no intention of breaking out of the corner they currently exist in.

Talking to her would just fuel her anger towards you and give her the validation that her antics are bothering you. Take the high road and keep doing your thing, ignoring her and not letting her get to you. She's not half the woman you are and eventually for the sake of her son I hope she comes to her senses and cleans up her act.

Good luck.

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Posted by Vixen @ 5:40 PM :: 4 trainees letting it rip!

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Sunday, July 29, 2007

Baby Mama Drama: When You Abhor His Kid

Question: I have been with my man for a year and a half. He has two children with two different women. He is without a doubt "the one". The first baby mama & I have no issues, she has a 10 year old for my guy that we see regularly. The second woman however was a "booty call" gone wrong. For some reason I absolutely cannot stand the fact that he has a child with this person. She has tried to get with him a few times in the past (before I was around) but he has always turned her down. Their child is 4 years old. My man does not even see this woman, he picks the child up from school when its his turn to have him and then drops him off back at school when he goes back to his mom. I do not have a problem with the older child but for some reason when I even look at the younger child I feel nothing but disgust. And to make matters worst he is a complete mama's boy! He does nothing but cry for his mom and I am definitely the last person who wants to hear that. I have tried countless times to find healing about this. I have prayed and prayed and prayed. Nothing seems to put my heart at ease. I'm not sure what to do at this point. Leaving my man is not an option and plan on marrying next summer. If anyone has any suggestions please help. I am coming to the conclusion that this is going to be one area of my life that I just be completely unhappy with. My man tries everything to make me feel better and put my heart at ease but nothing seems to work. What is wrong with me?

Yowza. I don't even know how to get into this. So you like the older child, but not the younger? As much as you love your guy, I think you do have a deep resentment towards the fact that he got booty call chick knocked up. That resentment naturally spills over to Booty Mama and her child. However you have to remember that in this whole scenario...the Children are Innocent.

You are stuck with her and the kid for the next 12 years, unless your man decides to abscond and become a deadbeat, which I highly doubt will happen. So if you plan to marry this guy, remember that you are promising to be with him through all his baggage, and this does include baby mamas and their dramas.

I think that the little boy senses your resentment towards him on an instinctual level. Children are very good at picking up on what isn't said, and I think that he does feel that he is unloved and unwanted at your house, that's why he's crying and carrying on...he wants attention. He's probably the only child at his house with his mom and is spoiled rotten, and then he comes to a scenario where another child is in the mix. You have rapport with the 10 year old, and he senses that, feels that it's not the same chemistry with you and him, and so internalizes feelings about it. What comes out to you is that he's a spoiled cry baby, when in fact he is reacting to you. I would hate coming to your house if you treated me like the unwanted stepchild.

Abhor the baby mama all you want, but don't take it out on the kid! Ignoring him isn't the solution, as you can see, it hasn't been working so far. My advice would be to develop a relationship with him, separate from your man...just the 2 of you. It goes along the lines of catching bees with honey. He has to feel comfortable and secure around you and I think that his tears also stem to the fact that he's afraid of you. Stop being the big bad wolf and play nice, take him out somewhere, get him some ice cream and show him some affection. It might be hard at first, but remember, this is your future husband's son. How would you want someone to treat your child?

Kids trust easily, so just be nice to him, treat him once in a while and show that you actually do care for him. Do things for him that his mom won't or can't do, like video games etc. Remember, your place isn't to discipline him, just spend time with him, have fun and watch the 2 days fly by.

Save your animosity, dark feelings and bitterness for the privacy of your boudoir. Whatever aggravations the baby mama's/children cause you should be communicated to your man and no one else. He has to create a new family unit with you, your kids and his kids. It has to be one big happy family, even if it's only every other weekend.

Suggest a visit to the park, amusement park, circus etc. It's summer so there are a ton of events out there. By the time you guys get home that evening, the kids will be tuckered out and ready for bed. Make your house the fun place, where the kids actually want to come to not only to hang out with their dad, but to also spend time with you. It takes a little planning and alot of accommodation. Remember that in situations like this, you are the adult, therefore you should act like one, take the reins and steer the relationship in the way you want it to go.

Does anyone else have any tips?

Good luck.

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Posted by Vixen @ 7:10 PM :: 8 trainees letting it rip!

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Friday, January 05, 2007

Baby Mama Drama: Meeting His Kid

I became the NEW girlfriend about three months ago, my boyfriend who is absolutely wonderful had been with his ex-girlfriend for three years and have a one year old. My problem is, that they exclude me from everything, like her birthday. I mean should I be invited? His parents think I'm ridiculous for thinking I SHOULD! The thing is, I know he is worth it, but the girl unfortunately is 17 and not going to remove her fangs from me. I try to be very much like you said, respectable, treat her child with respect but still maintain my distance from their child and how to raise her. I just didn't know my first relationship would be so full of obstacles, I'm just wondering if you think I'm being totally out of my bearings here or what? I know at the end of the day it's whether I want to deal with this or just try to find an easier "fish". But the thing is, he's great and treats me like a queen. I've never been more confused about things, all I do is pray but my heart doesn't find answers.

Okay...the part of your question dealing with whether or not to leave him, I'm going to leave that up to you...but I will address the other parts of your question. You sound young...early 20s, but pretty much sure about certain things, like what you want in a relationship and how you expect to be treated. However, when does being assertive become too pushy?

First of all, relax! You've only been dating him for 3 months. If you had a child, would you introduce every single guy you dated to your child? Think how impressionable children are and how quickly they form lasting attachments. He's probably not sure you are going to stick around for the long haul, and he's wary of introducing his child's emotions into the fray. That should be a sign of a good parent---so don't take it personally.

I know that you want to show your interest in him by extending the emotions to his offspring, and this will all be taken care of in due course. My thinking is, if your relationship hasn't hit a certain level of commitment that is beyond just dating, then he is protecting his child's interests. He's doing the right thing.

The baby mama will always be in the picture. And even you know it. She's young, she's immature right now, but she'll learn and grow. I know it's irritating that he spends all this time with her and his child, birthdays and some of the holidays, leaving you excluded, but you should use the free time as your personal ME time and stop anguishing about it. At least for right now.

If you are concerned that he might be interested in resuming a relationship of sorts with her, and using that 'family time' to get closer to her, then bring up your feelings to him in a reasonable debate and listen with your sixth sense. Allay your fears and precede from there. However, if you are 100% sure that he's devoted to you and wants to be with you---why are you creating fracas where there isn't any?

His child is going to be in his life the rest of his life. So if you are going to be in his life the rest of his life then eventually you will be in his/her life too. You might even develop a relationship with his offspring that exceeds anything you've ever expected.

If the relationship progresses---say you are talking about settling down together and he still hasn't let you meet his child, then I would totally freak out...but until then just hold on to your horses and enjoy the sweet romance that you have right now.

Your thoughts?

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Posted by Vixen @ 11:39 PM :: 0 trainees letting it rip!

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Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Dealing with His Ex

Most people when they break-up, depart and go their separate ways. However once in a while, you might come across a guy that still has his ex-girlfriend/ex-wife in the picture. There can be several reasons for this---it could be that she's his baby mama; they work together or live in the same place. Personally I try to avoid dating men with even a hint of their ex in the picture, however sometimes it could be unavoidable.

A guy will usually tell you up front if his ex is still in his life. When he does talk to you about it, listen to what he has to say in its entirety. Ask questions as to why they still have a relationship post-breakup, if he has feelings for her and ask him when was the last time he slept with her (you know you want to know!) Don’t be shy or put it off. It’s very important to know every single thing about their past & current relationship. This is not when you fly into a jealous rage! That will solve nothing. This is the time when you assess your relationship as well as what he’s telling you. Red flags to watch out for: if he talks about her too much, walks out of the room while he’s talking to her on the phone, gets calls from her past decent hours, makes plans to see her on pseudo-dates, spends the night at her place etc. If he’s up front and honest with you, candidly explaining everything and not hiding any facet of the relationship, then you move on to the next step.

For starters, you have to be sure the guy is worth putting up with the potential drama and possible heartache that's coming your way. Honestly---he has to be worth his weight in gold. He has to be so good to you, so perfect for you, and treat you so well that he's worth fighting for. Through the course of your relationship, he's actually consistently shown you that he's a great guy. Why all this? Because truthfully babe, you don’t want to get played. It's hard enough dealing with the drama without the added possibility that he's a total jerk, lying man-whore & cheat that's emotionally unavailable with no long term relationship potential to boot. So, your first question to yourself should be...is he worth it? If not, save yourself the possible future angst and end the relationship. If you truly feel that he's worth it, buckle in for the ride sweets, it's going to be a rocky one.

Now that you’ve assured yourself that he’s worth it…the next question to ask is: Do you trust him? Do you trust that he’s telling you the truth when he says that they are really over? Do you trust that you aren’t the Rebound Woman? Do you trust that you two lovebirds really have a future together? Do you trust that he still doesn’t have feelings for her---or isn’t still attracted/sleeping with her? Do you trust that he can soothe your hurt feelings? Are you really secure in the status of your relationship? Trust is very important; it’s one of the elements that’s going to help your relationship stand the test of having his Ex around.

Keep in mind, his ex is his former flame, the woman who originally had his heart (or at least his cock). For some reason, the relationship didn't work out and when relationships go sour, they usually end quite bitterly. He might tell you all kinds of stories about his ex and how awful she was/is to him but take it with a grain of salt. Remember, there are always 3 sides to every story...his, hers and the real truth which is somewhere in between. Both sides of the party are responsible for the split and reasons why the union didn't work, so don't automatically cast her out to be the evil witch. I've heard of situations where the guys are always bad-mouthing their exes (usually to make themselves look better), only to find out in the end that he was actually the one that did her dirty. So seek out the truth as much as you can, because only the truth can really open your eyes to what the real dynamic is with their current relationship.

Acknowledge the truth to yourself as well. You are very displeased by her continual presence in your lives. To you, she’s like the irritating rash that keeps coming back. If you could have it your way, she would totally disintegrate both in memory and form the moment you started dating him. You’re not happy one iota of having her around. You have every right to feel as you do and your emotions are very valid. Don’t push them into the background to cater to his situation. Communicate and express them quite vocally to your man. However, don’t let her presence ruin your relationship.

Another point is that 95% of the time, his ex isn't going to like you. You’re the gorgeous babe who has her former man; hence you are a man-stealer. I know, it doesn’t make sense, but when has a scorned woman ever been logical? If she’s frank with herself, she probably still has feelings for him. After all, when you break up with someone, those intense feelings you have don’t die off instantly. Perhaps she thinks that in the future they might get back together and you are blocking that. Perhaps she’s from the school of thought that “if I can’t have him, no one can.” Mayhap he didn’t even observe the mourning period before he started dating you and that’s pissing her off as well. Whichever way, you are in the way. I know it doesn’t make sense, how women seek to destroy each other instead of banding together, but that’s one of the flaws of our race. So don’t think that she is going to be your new best friend. At best, she’ll be cordial (in which case you are lucky). At worst, she’ll be a crazy ass bitch (in which case you…are so not lucky;)

Moving right along, the best policy with an Ex in the mix is to adopt a hands-off policy. She’s not your baggage, not your problem; so deal with her a little as possible. I’m sure you think the more she sees you the quicker she’ll get used to you, but honey…that is so not the case! The more she interacts with you, the more provoked she’ll get. Especially if it’s obvious that he’s happier with you than he ever was with her. If she’s vengeful, she’ll keep flirting with him and trying to get him back in her bed, if only to prove to you that she still has power over him. If she’s vindictive, instead of taking her anger directly on him (where it rightly belongs), she will attack you. She might make fun of you, give you awful nicknames, gossip or make scathing comments/judgments both in your face and behind your back. It’s a twisted effort to make him unhappy, because if you are upset---then he’s miserable. Unfortunately, it does work with weaker women, so you have got to develop a thicker skin. Take her ribs and insults with a sense of humor. Laugh it off! Ignore her antics as best as you can. Don’t engage her because that will have you stooping to her level. She’s trying to prove to him that you aren’t better than her, so getting you to act crazy will solidify her point.

Conversely, don’t interact with her on a social level at all unless you absolutely have to. Spend the holidays with your family so he can spend his with his kids and not feel guilty. Encourage your guy to change his situation as soon as feasible (switch jobs, move to a new place etc.) to further take her out of the picture. Avoid running into her as much as possible. Find new haunts, restaurants & bars that you both can enjoy together so she won’t be all up in your space.

For privacy’s sake, don’t give her any ammunition about you or your relationship. Don’t tell her anything important that doesn’t have to do with her and have your man keep his lips sealed too. Operate on a need to know policy. She doesn’t need to know anything about you; your full name, your family history, school you went to, where you work or what you like to do for fun. Because the more she knows, the more power you give her to manipulate the both of you. Less is better. Remember, children have the ability to repeat what they hear and sometimes not even accurately. So keep your lips mum when his kids are around as well.

If you do have to mingle with her, be nice. It might be grating to be polite to your boyfriend’s ex, but trading insults with her is going to get you nowhere. Have you ever tried a particular blend of saccharine sweetness that is so nice that everyone around you becomes mildly amused? That’s how nice you might have to get. The bitchier she gets---the nicer you become. Sure it’s an act, but giving her anything other than that gives her power over your emotions. She already has power over your boyfriend, his check book and his kids; so don’t succumb to letting her control you as well. Own your emotions and tightly leash them under a mask of amicability and humor. Maintain a stoic mask of indifference. Act like you couldn’t care less about her antics. That gives you the high ground and leaves her feeling confused as to how to deal with you.

I know it seems like I’m giving you advice to bend over backwards to accommodate his ex, but honestly, this is the best course of action. Remember, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and the instant you took up with him, all her fury will be directed to you. So avoidance is the best way to keep yourself out of the drama.

Your thoughts?

Other reading:
Dealing With Baby Mama Drama
The Rebound Woman

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Posted by Vixen @ 3:14 PM :: 8 trainees letting it rip!

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Monday, June 20, 2005

Baby Mama Drama part 2

If you are a Baaaaad girl who somehow, through a broken condom, messed up birth control, super potent sperm or some freak of nature landed in the family way, I'm not dissing you. In fact, you should be applauded for having the guts to stick to your convictions and carry your child to term. Most women, (yours truly included) would take the easy way out of this dilemma and not have any compunction in doing so.

It's a hard thing to face, but most guys tend to freak when confronted with the "I'm Pregnant and I'm keeping it," speech. They will wheedle and cajole you, try everything to change your mind, short of sticking a hanger up you-know-where. They feel that they aren't up to the challenge of raising a kid, they worry about what their peers and family will think, and pretty much drive you up a wall with varied scenarios.

Eventually, he might come around...might being the operative word in that sentence. If he does, then your job will be made slightly easier; if he doesn't, then you are assuredly on your own.

Seek help from everywhere and anywhere you can. Mother Nature has given us 9 months to make preparations for the little 'bundle of joy' so use your nine months wisely. You'll probably be very tired, but you have to be proactive in planning your baby's future. Realize that your life is never going to be the same ever again and welcome the new stage with open arms.

Tell your family and friends, welcome their support and aid. Every little ounce of care that you can get will be essential to you as a new mother. Utilize your city's unwed mother programs and medicare. Surf the internet like you never have before and read up on anything and everything related to your pregnancy and motherhood. Leave no stone unturned.

After your child arrives, make sure that you have the correct documentation for child support payments. Take him to court if you need to and make sure your child has the best care possible. Hey, if a mega-mogul like P.Diddy can be ordered to shell out major bucks for his offspring, then your baby daddy can too.

And please, don't become the Baby Mama from hell. Even if he rejects you and traipses after another, you still have the future president of the United States/world peace bringer/cure-finder of AIDS to raise. You have to show your child a good example at all times and those traits aren't emulative.

So to the question what happens when a Baaaaad Girl gets pregnant and keeps it? She becomes the Baaaadest MILF on the block and raises her child with morals, respect, honor and integrity. And don't worry about not finding Mr. Right4Me...he will still find you, and still adore and cherish both you and your child.

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Posted by Vixen @ 6:05 PM :: 4 trainees letting it rip!

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Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Baby Mama Drama

Definition: A Baby's Mama is a woman who has a kid(s) for the guy she had intimate relations with. For one reason or another, there is no other committment on the guy's part and she has been demoted from "possible girlfriend material" to "Baby Mama". This demotion doesn't sit well with her and she tries to keep other women away from her man by using scare tactics on them in the hope that once they are gone, he will want her back.

To those who know me well, you know that I'm not a baby lover. There is no way in God's green earth that I would end up experiencing a la Britney, 'the closest thing to God'. At least not in the near future. But that is besides the point.

Now, this guide would not be complete if I didn't warn you ladies about the dangers of dealing with a Baby Mama. There is the rare occasion where a Baby Mama is actually nice and quite amicable to deal with, but you have a better shot of being struck by lightening than coming across this instance.

If the guy you are dating tells you that he has a Baby Mama and they are on good terms, he's probably wildly exaggerating or flat out lying. Baby Mamas are scorned by the men that they were at one time in love with, or had feelings for. And you know that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. As long as she has a living child for him, she has ties with him forever and ever that can never be severed. She has her claws in your man; emotionally, financially and physically and Mama Bear isn't letting go.

He had the audacity to sleep with her, get her with child, then abandon her for the next pretty, sexy thing (you) that came along. It's not your fault but Mama Bear doesn't care, she just wants to hurt him as much as he hurts her. She also knows that she can hurt you to get to him. She will do anything, key your car, break your windows, call at odd times of the night and hang up, ANYTHING that can satisfy her vindictive streak.

You are just an innocent victim, got caught in the crossfire between your man and his Baby Mama.

My advice...DUCK! I know it may sound chicken but it may save your life. You have to take a step back and re-evalute the relationship. Is he worth it? Is the guy really worth all the damage, tears, strife and pain? If you decide he is worth it, then you have to deal with the fact that she is going to be in your life for a while, maybe even longer than he is. Then go watch Stepmom. Rewind and repeat.

Once your tears are dry, keep in mind that in dealing with any ex, it's a good policy to try and maintain a cool head and act as mature and logically as possible. You have to take the high road, cause she probably won't. You have to be respectful when you are in her home and on her turf. You also have to be nice to the kid(s)....sorry, that's an iron-clad rule. (See why I don't mess with guys with kids?) You have to be prepared for the fact that you probably won't be #1 or 2 and sometimes not even 3, his offspring usurps you from that spot. No calling her names, or saying anything that might cause his children to be upset or tattle to their mama. Try not to interfere with the raising of their kid, I know this might be hard, but you will cause more friction by trying to help raise their kid. Oh, and no making out or having sex with your man while the kid is around...that just causes more drama. Make sure he sends in his child support correct to the last cent and on time. He has to be on his ps and qs, cos anything wrong that he does, will more than likely get taken out on you.

One of my girls Sherry, had drama when she started dealing with this new guy. He was a great father, and she thought he was worth the hassle, so she actually had a little talk with Mama Bear. Sherry told her in no uncertain terms that she was not trying to replace Baby Mama in the guy's life or come between the guy and his kid. She also emphatically stated that she wanted no trouble from her and was prepared to seek higher authority, aka the Law if things got out of hand. Needless to say, there was less bloodshed coming Sherry's way and they ended up in a platonic peace of sorts.

Now I'm not saying that having a sit down with Baby Mama might yield the same results but it's worth a shot. Have some back-up and do it in a public place (that way she can't kill you and get away with it). It's also nice to try and steer clear of her as much as possible, stay in the car when he comes to drop or pick them up, and use the tactics mentioned in Bugaboo.

Don't make yourself out to be a glutton for punishment. If the drama is getting to you, just bail. No man is worth your peace of mind and ultimate happiness and well-being. Like the saying goes, there are other fish in the sea...some without schools of little fish around them.

A Baaaad Girl handles adversity with class, dignity, a cool head and charms her way into Baby Mama's good graces.

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Posted by Vixen @ 4:44 PM :: 15 trainees letting it rip!

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