Bad Girl's Guide

Monday, April 14, 2008

When Your Friend Dates His Friend

I got a question from on of my matchmaking readers recently that had set up her coworker with her boyfriend's best friend. The summary is that the 'new' relationship isn't going that well, the best friend and coworker are in a weird funk and he's basically emotionally unavailable while she's acting all desperate pouring attention, money and time his way even though he's showing her that he's not that interested. The coworker is creating drama for the foursome. However, read more for the details.
Anyways, this past weekend I celebrated my birthday dinner by going out with a group of my girlfriends including her. Once at the dinner table she decides to tell me or make a comment about why her "friend" and my boyfriend decided not to come. Little did she know, I already knew why my boyfriend wasn't coming. She then comments that my boyfriends boy told her it was "bourgeous" and that my boyfriend said it was "not worth it". When I talked to my boyfriend a few mins later I jokingly said to him "I heard dinner wasn't worth it". lol. He got HEATED and demanded to talk to her automatically knowing it was her who said it! He was ready to cuss her out for repeating info incorrectly as he said he never made that comment. A few mins later, she gets a call from my boyfriends boy and he BLASTS her by phone in defense of my boyfriend! She was so mad she didn't speak to me for the rest of the evening and even left the table for a good 20mins!

My question is, if this guy is her "boyfriend" or whatnot, why did he call her up and blast her?! Why did she get an attitude, when I told her I wasn't mad, it was my bday and who cares if the guys are mad? Why didn't he come eat with her? How should I handle affairs dealing with my boyfriend, his boy and her? They have been best boys for almost a decade, my boyfriend and I have been together for a year, and she's only been around for 60 days! Who's trippin?
As much as we love to matchmake our single friends, this is a classic example why we shouldn't. After the first date, you should have stayed out of their relationship. Their business is not your business and just because you set them up doesn't mean that you have to be a staple to their relationship. I get that your boyfriend and the guy are friends and that friends talk, but adding your 2 cents and advice is a recipe for drama. It turns into a classic scenario of he said/she said that will always escalate into something else.

This is alot of hype over nothing. Honestly, who gives a shit about your boyfriend's boy and his relationship? You are just putting your nose inside a can of pepper for no reason and this will end up costing you your own relationship if you don't butt out.

From the beginning of your letter, the new chick is significantly younger than your crew. She is 22 and you all are in your thirties right? Even though it's just a few years, she is in a totally different life zone than you all are. Added to that, she's experiencing rejection and all the dramatic feelings that come in with it. Throw in a few double dates where she sees the great relationship you and your boyfriend have and that is just more envious feelings in the mix. This coworker of yours has self esteem issues and relationship issues of her own, but it's not your business. Let her be. I get that you feel that because you are the 'reason' they got together that you are in the mix, but it's not true.

It sounds to me like she is really jealous of the relationship that you three have, she feels threatened by it and she wants to splinter it in some way. She wants her guy to 'pick' her and stand with her, but he's not doing that. She really did escalate the situation far more than it needed to be, however where it stops is with you. She is your coworker, not a close friend and you are investing waaaay too much energy in her relationship. You need to back the fuck up and keep her at arms length.

Adopt a hands off policy. I would totally stop double dating and hanging out as couples. Also I would suggest your boyfriend to clue his buddy into the fact that she's totally into him. His buddy needs to decide if he wants to be with her or not and take a firm stance on it. He's being wishy/washy just going with the flow, and that isn't helping the situation.

With this debacle, you already knew that your boy wasn't going to be there. You have to keep your own happiness and relationship in the foreground because that's really what matters anyway. You didn't need to engage her emotions. However what's done is done. You all can learn from this. Just because you are all friends doesn't mean that you need to be privy to each other's relationship. Establish some firm boundaries and stick to it.

Remember, any relationship or friendship that takes you away from the intimacy and love in your own in not worth having. Take this as a lesson learned, cut the ties and leave the two alone.

Good luck.

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Posted by Vixen @ 3:47 PM :: 0 trainees letting it rip!

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