Bad Girl's Guide

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

When You Say the Wrong Thing

My new boyfriend and I have been dating for a couple days now. He came into the relationship by telling me his intentions very clearly so that if that wasn’t what I was looking for I could move one. Marriage and a family is what he's looking for now at this point of his life and so am I.

Just some background: We both came out of long term relationships at the end of last year (his was longer than mine). We’ve always known of each other for the last 8-9 years but also never really knew each other. We were often in the same circles and always said hi and that would be it until the next time we crossed paths.

We were in the talking phase for a little over a month before we decided to move forward into a relationship. Dating was very awkward at first because we haven’t dated outside of our past relationships in years. On our first date we were both very nervous so we hardly spoke, played with our food and had a lot of awkward silent moments, before the evening ended we both apologized for the awkwardness and blamed it on not having done this in so long that we may have forgotten how to.

Well since that first date we have been inseparable. We love being around each other and doing things together. I have met his parents and from what he said they loved me, he hasn’t meet my mother yet (she’s very active and wont sit still for 5 minutes).

I really like him and he says he feels the same and we both hope this great feeling isn’t just a phase. Now I want to know how do I keep from messing this up. I have already said a few wrong things (I tend to speak without thinking and have said a few things that made him look at me like he couldn’t believe what was coming out of my mouth).

For starters, I think you two are hitting fast forward on the relationship. It's okay to know where you want the relationship to go, but the truth of the matter is that it's better to enjoy the journey and not just race to the destination. You've only been seeing him a few days/weeks and you are already meeting the parents? In a hurry much?

Slow it down.

Spend time with each other to get to know each other. Ease out of that awkward phase (which is normal btw), naturally into a true friendship. You barely know him and you are already talking about marriage. Doesn't this strike you as a red flag? Personally I would like to be proposed to because he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and not because he's trying to fit me into his "marriage and kids" timeline.

Another concern for me is that you both just got out of long intense relationships a few months ago. Have you really given yourself enough time to heal and get over the ex before rushing into Mr. Next? It's easy to want to replace the feelings of closeness you had with your ex with someone else right away, loneliness sucks. I'm not calling this a rebound thing but if the shoe's just something to think about.

The basic cornerstones of any relationship are as follows.

I don't know what tactless thing you said to him that has you all in a tizzy, but if you aren't comfortable being yourself in this relationship, then I don't think it's the right fit for you. I'm totally tactless---I've always been the type to just gush what's on my mind. However it took a few revolving relationships to realize that it's just a part of me that I have to deal with. I've accepted that side of myself as a part of me, and so I expect my significant other to do the same. When I do put my foot in my mouth, I apologize for it and move on. It's not the end of the world to say the wrong thing at the wrong time---there is much worse going on in the world to make that a Great Event. If you don't make a big deal out of it, then hopefully he'll take the cue from you and not make a big deal out of it either.

Just think about these points. I'm glad that you've found someone that you connect with, but make sure that both of you are in it for the right reasons. And slow down, it's not a race to the altar, let things fall naturally. You both are putting too much pressure on each other and the relationship to be perfect, and the reality is that life isn't perfect. But the beauty of love is that if it's true and the real thing, it will shine through no matter what hurdles you encounter and what thoughtless things to say. So slow your roll baby girl and relax.

Good luck.

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Posted by Vixen @ 12:48 AM :: 0 trainees letting it rip!

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