Bad Girl's Guide

Friday, May 30, 2008

When You Are Too Young to Be a Step Mom

I asked for questions...and boy did I get some questions. Alright, this is probably going to take me a while to get through all of them, so if your question is super urgent, please email that to me that it is so I can address it first. Here is the first one I got a couple of days ago.

I'm a 21 year old college student who recently got out of a 2.5 year relationship. I'm out there enjoying the single life, and thankfully I know just what I want in a guy and what is a dealbreaker. (And, of course, I keep my booty call in check! :P ) Here's my question - I recently met a guy that I'm starting to feel strongly for. He's got everything I like in a man - intelligent, funny, great looking, steady job, the works. There's just one problem. He's older than me - 33 - and this does not bother me one little bit (I've always dated older guys and I've never heard that I was "too young" for any of them), but what does make me nervous is that he has a 10 year old daughter. Kids aren't a dealbreaker for me either (a concern, but not an absolute can't-do-it), but there's just something about the fact that I'm closer to HER age than HIS, know what I mean?I'm trying to put my thoughts together about it, but I was hoping you'd have some insight into a weird situation. I'll admit, I really like this guy and I secretly hope you'll tell me this isn't going to be a big deal.
Do you want the truth or do you want the sugarcoated version? You have to follow your intuition, and your sixth sense is telling you that this is going to be a big deal. I'm not as worried of the 10 year gap between you and Daddy dearest, because you are going into this with your eye's wide open. You've dated older men before, so you know the pitfalls and hurdles that you are going to cross.

However, when you add a child into the mix things start to get dicey. If the relationship works out and you end up with this guy for several years, then you will have a larger responsibility towards his offspring than you do now.

You have to walk into these kind of relationships with the understanding that you are possibly going to be her step mother and that you will be in your late 20's when she hits the terrible teens. Can you handle that kind of responsiblity? Because this decision is more and more about the child and less and less about you. How much of your life have you fully experienced before taking on this monumental role? What kind of advice can you give her? What have you accomplished for yourself? Do you even know yourself and have you grown to your own potential? These are questions you need to ask before you can even think of taking on such a huge role in her life.

Don't get it twisted, you aren't signing up to be her mom. She already has a mother. Your role will be more like a cool aunt than anything, but what are you going to do when she backtalks you, disrespects you, monopolizes time with Daddy dearest or trashes your stuff? It's going to be like having a little sister around, except this sister you can't beat the shizz out of when she gets on your nerves.

Getting involved with single parents isn't the same as getting in a relationship with someone without kids. It's a whole another level of communication and patience that you will need to deal with all the hurdles that it involves. The dynamics of the relationship are different---you aren't going to be number 1, his child will always come first, and you will have to sacrifice alot more than you realize. There is also the issues with baby mama drama (if he has any). It's alot to sign up for and I'm not sure if at 22 you are experienced enough to handle all the problems that will arise.

At the same time, I'm an advocate for following your heart. So if you feel in your heart that this is the right guy for you, and you think that he's worth all the stress, angst and drama you are going to go through, then by all means stand up for your man. Word of warning, it's going to be hard---really, really hard. Personally, I would cut my losses and back out. Remaining friends and being a supportive "adult figure" in the child's life is better and more permanent than being just another girl that fucks her father and makes women in relationships look bad.

Talk to your significant other. I don't know how long you two have been together, so this line of thought might even be premature, but if you think that you want to have something longterm wtih this guy, you are going to have to confide your fears to him to see what he thinks. For all you know, he might not even want you to interact with his child at all until the relationship is more solidified.

Listen to your intuition. It's not steering you wrong. Good luck.

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Posted by Vixen @ 1:29 AM :: 0 trainees letting it rip!

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