Bad Girl's Guide

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Happy Labor Day in advance. I'm off to the airport to NY for my sister's wedding.

Have fun on your weekend.

Cheers.

Labels: Announcements

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Sunday, August 26, 2007

When He Doesn't Like to Eat You Out

Moxie got a question from one of her readers about being in a relationship with a man that doesn't like to go downtown.

I'm with a wonderful man who doesn't enjoy giving oral sex. We've talked about it and he doesn't have a good answer as to why. I've asked him if it's taste, smell, etc. but he just says "I just don't like it". Fine. I am not taking it personally and I won't force him of course. I'm willing to work on alternatives such as more physical touching, kissing near but not on the vulva/pussy/whatever one wants to call it. Up until now he's not really done any of that either and I hope it's because he didn't want to "tease" me into thinking he was going to give me oral sex. That of course remains to be seen (we only had this talk today).

My question for your readers is...are there any men out there who used to also "just not like it" who have changed their opinion? I am hoping that with open communication and exposure to trying things without the pressure of giving me oral sex that he will eventually learn enough about my body to be open to trying oral sex.

Say what? OH HELLS FUCKIN' NO! That should have been your response when he told you that. He's got alot of nerve...and you, for not laying down the rules just set yourself up for months of sheer torture. Especially since it sounds like he does like to get a solid blowjob from you on the regular. There is no acceptable excuse in my book for not reciprocating in oral sex. He doesn't even want to attempt it, which is a deal breaker. Other alternatives??? Is that wussy speak for fingering and the like? There is no way that I can be satisfied with 'other alternatives' when a good pussy licking is just what the freak in me craves.

I know people will say that "if he's a wonderful guy what does it matter?" Let me tell you this: If he's a great guy, he won't put his hangups above your pleasure. Obviously he has selfish tendencies going on and this is a prime example. So he's not all that great. Moreover, he can't even give her a reason. Which means that even he knows that his reason is pure bullshit. Sure her pussy might be all nasty and stuff, but he should be man enough to tell her to clean/shave eat fruit etc. and not wuss out about the whole thing in general. He doesn't want his precious lips to be in the proximity of her cunt. He sounds like he's scared of it.

Sista girl, you can bend over backwards trying to figure out why he's not eating your va-jay-jay and compromise for the rest of your life on something that is obviously important to you or you can look for a real man that wants to and will eat you out like your pussy was solid gold. It's up to you.

I'm sure alot of freaks agree with me on this one---if you can't go downtown, you've gots to go.

Further Reading: The Art of Giving a Woman a Blowjob

Labels: All About Sex, Ask Vixen, Foreplay

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Thursday, August 23, 2007

When He Doesn't Make a Move: Meet Katya

I have been seeing a guy casually for a couple of months now, but we only see each other about twice a month. This has been going on since about June. Initially, I wasn't very into the guy, but now I am completely digging him. When we go out he seems like he wants to be with me and always ends up suggesting something to extend our time together. Here's the kicker: He has never once in about 6-7 times going out attempted to kiss me or even hug me. I initiated our last hug and last brief kiss on the lips. That confuses me. I jokingly asked if he was gay, not to say I'm so hot that a man has to attracted to me or be gay, but gesh why keep asking me out to hang out as buddies?! He said no, but still we've been out twice since and more recently he just put his arm around my shoulder. That's it! So here's my question. Should I just ask him why he hasn't made any move on me, or just go for it or what ? I'm really starting to like him and I don't want to put myself out there if the feeling isn't the same. Maybe he's just not that into me...

Okay, I don't want to laugh at this, but it's kinda funny. 7 dates and you haven't even kissed yet? Oh hells no! I know our generation tends to move really fast nowadays but I'm from the school of thought that you should have made out at least by the 6th date. I can sense your frustration and I know if it was me he'd be thrown back to the dating pond already. Although, him holding back has increased his mystique and interest in your eyes...so maybe that was his angle all along. For the sake of playing the other side, I'm going to throw out a few random lines of thought as to why homeboy hasn't made a solid move yet besides the glaringly obvious 'he's gay' or 'he's not into you' ideas you've thought about.

He might be shy. Perhaps he's gotten rebuffed alot, rejected and scorned. Maybe he was a nerd in high school and you're so hot and 'out of his league' that he doesn't know how to treat you. Playfully tell him, "I don't bite---unless you want me to. So kiss me!"
He's insecure---with kissing! Once again, maybe he doesn't get around that much. So he is really nervous. If you are that into him, whip out the manual and show him the basics. Tell him you read this great article about how people tend to kiss the way they like to be kissed and you want to test it out if it's true...
He's a virgin. He doesn't want to get physical quickly because he is trying to maintain a certain boundary. Ask him when was the last time he had sex.
He thinks you are so hot. If he thinks you're a 10 and he's a 3, chances are he's just so happy to be with you and is so giddy in your presence and he doesn't want to mess things up. It's taking all his concentration just to keep being 'interesting' in your eyes. Flatter his ego. Tell him why you are into him, that you are attracted to his gorgeous eyes, his hearty laugh and brilliant mind. "You're the sweetest guy I've ever met!"

Okay, I really don't know why else he hasn't at least made a move yet. Perhaps you should just ask him up front, and put him on the spot. Does anyone else have any tips??

Labels: Ask Vixen, Dating

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Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Helping Someone That Doesn't Want to be Helped

The person that I want to desperately help is my 17 year old sister. She had a baby last year and as a family my mother and I have been doing everything we could to make life a little easier and to (in our minds) ensure that she graduates high school as scheduled. Unfortunately my sister continuously disappoints us and doesn’t really take full responsibility for her child. With me being the person I am I’ve been taking care of the baby to the best of my ability financially and otherwise because I feel that the baby did not ask to come into this world and he shouldn’t suffer because his mom is careless. The baby is almost always with me or my mom and to make matters worst he only sees my mother and me as an authority figure he takes his mom (my sister) as a joke when she says no to anything. I take care of him so much that my friends refer to him as my son. I know the amount of help I’m giving my sister is not helping her in anyway and is actually hurting her but I can’t back off for the sake of the sweet little boy.

2 weeks ago my sister had a miscarriage and that was the ultimate blow for my mother and me. We can’t understand why she would careless enough to get pregnant again. I just spoke to her in reference to the miscarriage and it seems as if she doesn’t care. She stated she will continue skipping school to be with her boyfriend/baby daddy; which is the way she got pregnant both times. At home she’s not allowed to see him because I have an Island mother with strict rules. But like I told my sister if I went through the same strict rules until I graduated high school and I’m now 25 with a college degree and no kids and I didn’t die or loose any limbs why can’t she overcome the rules or at least deal with it. I feel if she looks at my childhood carefully she would see that our mother was only strict until I got that high school diploma and it would be the same for her but she strongly disagrees. She says she is her own person and will continue to do as she pleases.

Her situation hurts my soul in several different ways. She’s in a bad relationship and she knows it when I confronted her she simply said she didn’t care. I want to save my little sister from herself and her Boyfriend but she won’t let me do it for her or help her save herself. She wants to continue living her life as she has been. What do I do, how do I save her?

You really do have such a sweet kind spirit, but unfortunately, it's hard to help someone until they reach rock bottom and actually want to be helped. It sounds like alot of what your sister is going through is precipitated by something deeper that noone is thinking about. What was the trigger that sent your sister on a totally opposite direction than she was originally? You were both raised with the same methodology, she has your great example to look up to, and yet she's purposefully made decisions that are not progressive. This just brings to my mind the startling fact that she is trying to hurt herself.

For some reason, she feels unworthy, unmotivated and self-destructive...I would take this as a red flag of some sort of abuse or molestation in her past that she might/might not have told you about. The guilt, shame and embarrassment from this might be what's internally sabotaging her own consciousness. I really feel that she's acting out to get attention from the both of you---as if there is something she needs to say or hear from you that she's not getting. Perhaps a family counseling session or even some 1:1 psychiatrist sessions might yield insight into what's going on in her head.

Now with her not even being a good mother...I feel really sorry for your nephew, but she was never ready to be a mother. She's still a kid herself and 'motherhood' doesn't automatically kick in once you get knocked up. I think your mom should take her to the doctor and get her on DepoProvera. If she's going to be having unprotected sex, she might as well get on birth control to prevent incubating another generation of babies that just need their mother's love and attention and aren't getting it. Your nephew is getting the best care and love from you and your mom, and hopefully that will be sufficient until Sister Dearest grows up (we pray) and takes over the reins. If you are concerned that he's in danger while in her care or she's a bad influence on him, both of you can petition the court for legal guardianship and get a case rolling with Child Protective Services in the interim. As the mature adults in this scenario, it is your place to make sure that lil nephew is getting the proper care in his formative years. Maybe even starting the court proceedings will be the impetus Sis needs to come to her senses.

With her taking up with Baby Daddy, once again there is very little you can do there. Young love can be so foolish and she will have to learn on her own that her choice of a sperminator wasn't a bright one. I feel like the more pressure and restrictions you put on her, the more she will continue acting out. You have to realize that once she had a baby, she's an Emancipated Minor, which means that legally, your mom doesn't even have a say in her life anymore. It sucks but that's the way the United States run their system. (I'm assuming you are in the US because if you were anywhere else your mom would've whupped some sense into her).

Besides that I really don't know what else to tell you. It sounds like you are at your wit's end but truthfully and sadly, you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped. You just have to let her know that you will always love her, you're there for her, and you'll be there to pick her up when she comes crashing down.

Good luck.

Labels: Girl Talk

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Sunday, August 19, 2007

On Still Being In Love with the Ex: Meet Lacy

A couple of months ago I ended it with my 2 year beau because he had started having an interest in another woman. I was hurt, angry, miserable, revengeful, all the emotions, but after a couple months I came to terms with it. He did what he did and if I’m not the one for him then so be it. We were best friends, and after everything that had happened I decided I wanted him in my life. Even if he wasn't my boyfriend, not being on good terms felt worse then having a friend that hurt me so badly. Him and the other girl didn’t end up working out, I found an amazing guy who is everything and more that I could ever want in a man, but I'm not happy. I think about my ex, and I don't think I could ever date him again even if he wanted me back because I have so dignity. As much as I love him I don’t like ever feeling like at a point in our relationship there was someone who was better than me. True all things aside, although he started talking to another girl, I was talking to another guy long before and this is the guy who now I'm sort of dating. I don't know what to do, it’s just hard being so positive of love, and then it’s just gone. I don’t understand how to get over that. I don't want to have feelings for my ex, and I don’t understand why I still do or feel attached to the past when I honestly don’t believe I could date him again.

Okay, it sounds like you and your ex weren't a good fit. Not only for the fact that he caught feelings for another woman, but you admitted that even before that you were talking to someone else. So obviously, both of you knew on some level that it wasn't all roses and romance between you two.

Personally I don't think that 2 months is sufficient time to delve into another new relationship and actually have another boyfriend. Sounds like if anything you are rebounding----hard. And New Guy is getting the short end of the stick. You still have feelings for your ex. It's understandable being that you were together for 2 years and have so much of a history but until you get over your ex, you are cheating yourself and the new guy from even opening yourself to the possibilities of true love. That's one of the reasons you aren't happy.

The only thing holding you back from being with your Ex is your pride and dignity. Pride is a good thing in this case, and you should embrace it. Your sixth sense is right---for the fact that he caught feelings for someone else means that he was still looking. And if he's still looking that means that he's not satisfied and abundantly happy with you which means that he's not the guy for you.

Stay away from the Ex. Somehow your dissatisfaction may also stem from the fact that on some level you are comparing the New Guy to your Ex. And you still are in love with your Ex. Which means that you haven't given New Guy the chance to 100% Wow you. Which means you aren't ready for another relationship.

So what to do? I would suggest taking a break from guys for a while, just to sort out your feelings. Until you heal from the betrayal and disillusionment of the breakup, you can't move forward.

For further Reading: Breakups, Guide to Moving On

Good luck.

Labels: Ask Vixen, Break Ups

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Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Dating Several Men at the Same Time: Meet Lina

I'm a huge fan of your blog -- I am navigating dating at university and it's a brand new world. I've read your posts about how to date different men at the same time many times but don't have a clue how to put it in practice (and I honestly have been reading them way too many times). I have been seeing a guy for three months and he insists I not date others. I have told him many times that I am uncomfortable with this arrangement but we are intellectually and emotionally compatible and I think I am falling for him sometimes. However, I think I'd really like to be seeing some other just as nice (if not equally so) guys because it seems too soon for me to be able to decide anything. I appreciate your more expert advice as all my friends (obviously I showed them your post:) don't know. Thanks for your time and the great dating advice!

Okay, I'm going to address your question from different sides. If you are in an exclusive relationship with someone, then the proper thing is to not see other people. Serial dating is a useful tool when you are just dating to have fun, meet people and learn new things. It's upfront and honest, so there are no hurt feelings involved. From the onset of your relationship, between when you first meet and the end of the first couple of dates, you should have already stated that you are, "not looking for anything serious right now and do date other people." This sets the boundaries early and so he knows up front what he's dealing with.

Usually when deciding to serial date, the guy in the wings that wants to be exclusive with you is not going to accept you seeing other people when he wants to date only you. I can understand his position, especially since you've been dating him for 3 months, but if you aren't ready for a serious relationship---COMMUNICATE. "Jim, we have a great connection and I really do enjoy our time together but I'm not ready for a serious committed relationship right now. I'm still finding my way in both college, love and life and need the freedom to stretch my wings and go with the wind. I respect you and admire you enough that I want you to be happy in your choice of how you spend your time, so I don't have an expectation of exclusivity from you." Or you can just say, "Jim, I'm dating other people. And if you can't roll with this, I understand."

I think you are still kinda confused about your feelings for Jim. Although you really like him, you don't want strings. Jim also sounds like he's not listening. I don't know if you are being vague or something, but be direct, upfront and honest. "I can't get serious right now, it's just not right for me." Be prepared to understand his reticence if he decides he can't see you anymore. Sometimes you might click with someone, but not be in the same phase of your life. That doesn't mean that you two won't work out in the future however.

Now the Serial Dating system...it's really not that complicated. Make yourself available to date, accept invitations/dates given 2-3 days in advance only, spend more time with the guys you really like and less time with the ones that you aren't that giddy about yet and wait for your feelings to develop. Let them all know that you are dating other people and then let the chips fall where they may. When you feel that Bachelor #3 is the right one, wait for him to make your relationship exclusive (or bring it up.) Acknowledge your feelings, and he must verbally state that he wants to date only you. Then---after a 'thinking over period' in which you've talked to your other suitors and let them know you "like them but want to explore the depths of the relationship with this other guy that you've been seeing", let Bachelor #3 know the deal and if it does work out...great! If it doesn't, you still have the other guys in your rotation that might probably still be kicking themselves that they lost out on you and angling to date you again.

The main thing is just to have fun, be your flirty fabulous self and be gracious and charming to all of them. Don't have sex with all of them (unless you are working on your Nympho Vixen title). Ummmm, besides that I don't know what else to add. It's been years since I even did this, but if you have any more questions, I'd love to answer you or I'm sure one of the lovely ladies on here would do the same.

Cheers!

Labels: Ask Vixen, Dating

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Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Linner with a Blogger

Okay peoples, I had linner (lunch+ dinner) with Teri this Sunday and she's officially raised the bar even higher on my blog meets. She is so cool, her blog doesn't even do justice to her personality in real flesh. I used my spanking new GPS to locate her house....and trust me, I really needed it---Alameda is a town that I still can't make head or tails of.

Her house is so adorable! She has a big brass (is it brass?) bed and a real bonafide clawfoot bathtub. I'm so totally envious of that tub. Her house is a genuine antique, it looks like it was built in the last century but it's so chic it's ridiculous! And OMG...she's a shoe whore! She has the hottest shoe collection I've seen in a while. She told me that she doesn't like to really wear shoes so her friends keep enticing her with more fab shoes. I think I'm going to stop wearing shoes just to get some gorgeous ones!

We had Indian this time, and the food was totally delish. I think we ended up sitting at the restaurant for over 3 hours...just talking about her unique views on life, love, family and relationships. She really epitomizes the whole 'carpe diem' mentality to the T---in fact I think she must have invented it. I won't go into depth about our conversations, but I must confess, I learned more in those hours than I've learned all weekend.

Teri, thanks for a lovely Sunday afternoon, and especially a huge thank you for directing me out of that 5 (or was it 7?) point turn that I couldn't seem to get out of.

Posted by Vixen @ 3:51 AM :: 6 trainees letting it rip!

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Monday, August 13, 2007

Sexy Lingerie

For all you big ass boudoir freaks out there, this is for you. About 2 weeks ago, I discovered one of the best websites for lingerie that I've ever come across. It kicks Victoria's Secret and Fredericks of Hollywood to the curb and leaves them in the dust.

I now buy all my lingerie from here, and they arrive quite quickly! I got a costume for the Fiance's birthday with all the accessories. I even purchased some bridal night lingerie for a friend just the other day. Peep this...the sizes go all the way up to 4X! Can I get a huzzah for all the big girls who like to get their freak on but can never find no damn lingerie at VS in their size? Well Love Fifi has a whole section of lingerie dedicated just for you. Plus they have bras, corsets, crotchless panties, costumes and even those garter belt thingeys. And they have jeweled tattoos, games involving chocolate and not much else! The prices are really decent, and they have sales quite often and it's priced for the working woman. There are tips on what accessories to wear with it and what the models of the outfits think.

Love Fifi is committed to customer service and they accept returns on unworn items. In addition to that, they have a large inventory and new stuff is added everyday. On top of that, you are billed using Jean Et Cie, for all those of you that have joint bank accounts and don't want your significant other to know what it is. Oh, and discrete packaging, so the nosy neighbor won't even know a thing. The website is fun and easy to use, I've spent a few hours on there just selecting stuff for my future wish list. This website has actually made me want to wear sexy lingerie 24/7 they have the peignoirs from the old movies and everything.

The only thing they don't have are shoes. Can I get some fuck me boots and hooker heels please? Hopefully they will add a shoe section soon. Okay, I'm taking my hella fine sexy goddess body to bed. Check out the website right here.

Posted by Vixen @ 1:45 AM :: 4 trainees letting it rip!

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Friday, August 10, 2007

Re: Cheating & Fidelity

Thanks for all the comments on the last hot topic! My definition of cheating actually varies much from the one in the last post---but the conversational definition was that verbatim. I believe that with that definition of 100%, it's an unrealistic expectation that leads to disappointment from the one that expects it.

Figleaf said something that struck a chord with me,

"For that matter I'll go one step further: I think it's kind of irresponsible to demand this sort of "100% faithfulness" of one's partner, male or female, because it makes "cheating" inevitable, "fidelity" impossible, and therefore makes what would otherwise be perfectly mutual, loving, and durable relationships either hypocritical or unsustainable. The energy two people would spend policing their own and each other's every thought might be better spent maintaining real love, respect, trust, and fidelity for each other instead."

In addition, communication between partners is key. I read somewhere that most times before a person cheats, they have a genuinely deep sense of dissatisfaction that they've tried to work/talk out with you to no avail. For them, cheating is an outlet of the frustration, a way to gain some semblance of control. (Okay, I agree it sounds like baloney). However, if there is some truth to that, and your partner has been practically jumping up and down trying to get you to listen to them, and you've been too immersed in your own mind or world to give them the attention they crave, then the result more often than not is cheating on some level.

A friend of mine told me that her guy emotionally cheated on her...he caught strong feelings for another woman. He never physically crossed any bounds, but emotionally, he breached her trust. To her, this was the worst form of cheating, because something physical can be more easily forgiven, but when it's emotional---that's deeper and hard to get rid of. How can you be sure he's over the other lady anyway?

I think the definition of cheating varies from person to person and from one relationship to another. At times, we are also quick to slap on the term 'cheating' when it doesn't even apply re: some of the examples of yesterday. However, I agree that if you are in a monogamous, exclusive committed relationship, then certain expectations of fidelity are expected and should be lived by.

I don't remember where I heard this, but there was a social/scientific experiment conducted that deemed that men (and sorry to keep focusing on y'all) are actually biologically wired to spread their seed around. It's the theory of propagating the Earth, marking their turf and other cavemen ideologies. Men are biologically hardwired not to be monogamous. Of course majority of women being biologically wired to possess maternal instincts and actually hormonally crave being pregnant, it's Nature's way of keeping the species alive.

I'm not bandying excuses for the other side, but I feel like there is something deeper than the act of cheating itself. It's a dissonance with your spirit, and a red alert that you are trying to seek happiness from the outside, when the source of true happiness comes from within you.

"Nothing is more noble, nothing more venerable than fidelity. Faithfulness and truth are the most sacred excellences and endowments of the human mind."~ Marcus Tullius Cicero

Labels: Cheating, Relationship issues

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Wednesday, August 08, 2007

On Being 100% Faithful

I was having a conversation today with a group of friends about cheating and infidelity. The question was, are ~~men~~ men and women capable of being 100% faithful? Bear in mind that we are talking about the 21st century, the most sexually explicit generation of all times. There are women on the prowl, man stealers, Myspace hos and porn is free online. In addition to that, you have rampant sexualization even on TV and the media, with celebs and hip-hop selling sexuality & sex like it's on sale.

So, in this generation...are we capable of being 100% faithful? When I say 100% I mean, faithful as in not looking, not speaking of booty, not flirting, not touching, not getting aroused by, not cheating, not fantasizing and not thinking about any other woman/man but you?

Now that is something to ponder for the day. I would like your thoughts on this, men and women alike.

Cheers.

Labels: Cheating, Relationship issues

Posted by Vixen @ 1:29 PM :: 12 trainees letting it rip!

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Sunday, August 05, 2007

Baby Mama Drama: When She's a Trainwreck

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and he has a 6 year old son from his previous relationship. He is great and so is his son. We have plans to marry within a year or two. The problem I am confronted with is the baby mama. She is a complete mess. The baby doesn't even live with her, my boyfriend takes care of the baby full time. The baby mama has been in and out of jail this year and kick out of at least five places she has lived at. She disrespects me (calls me names) and makes her kid feel bad for liking me. She doesn't have a car or a stable place to live. Just recently she has been asking my boyfriend for favors. She asked my boyfriend if he could ask his family if they would shelter her. Also, she asked him to sale her his mother's car in payments. She has even been calling him for rides. I feel like this is disrespectful to me. My boyfriend feels like he needs to help her for their son sake. I don't want to be heartless but I feel that he doesn't owe her anything. He has taken full responsibility of their son and I think thats more than enough help. I am I over reacting? Should I have a talk with the baby mama?

I don't think it's up to you to talk with her. Your man should be the one talking to her. He's not setting firm boundaries in this relationship with his baby mama and she's taking advantage of that and running rough shod all over him. Asking him for rides if she's taking their son to get his immunizations is one thing---asking for rides for her to get her hair done is another. One is a necessity as well as a responsibility while the other just reeks of a baby mama taking full advantage of her sperminator.

She sounds like a total nutjob, and if I were you I would stay as far away from her as I possibly could. If your man hasn't already, encourage him to pursue full custody, because for the sake of his child, he needs to be in a nurturing, loving & stable environment and it sounds like his mama is incapable of providing that with her constant evictions and imprisonments.

You are right, he's taken full responsibility of his son and doesn't owe her anything, however obviously your man doesn't believe that. He's the one you need to talk to, he's the one giving her the nerve to ask for all this help. If he shut her down a few times and let her know that she's a grown woman and should take care of herself, she would quickly realise that he's not the one to call when she needs something. However, on some level, I sense he feels responsible for her as well as the kid, and this is what drives him to bend over backwards trying to help her. Which is a futile effort, because you really can't help someone that has no intention of breaking out of the corner they currently exist in.

Talking to her would just fuel her anger towards you and give her the validation that her antics are bothering you. Take the high road and keep doing your thing, ignoring her and not letting her get to you. She's not half the woman you are and eventually for the sake of her son I hope she comes to her senses and cleans up her act.

Good luck.

Labels: Baby Mama Drama

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