Bad Girl's Guide

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Helping Someone That Doesn't Want to be Helped

The person that I want to desperately help is my 17 year old sister. She had a baby last year and as a family my mother and I have been doing everything we could to make life a little easier and to (in our minds) ensure that she graduates high school as scheduled. Unfortunately my sister continuously disappoints us and doesn’t really take full responsibility for her child. With me being the person I am I’ve been taking care of the baby to the best of my ability financially and otherwise because I feel that the baby did not ask to come into this world and he shouldn’t suffer because his mom is careless. The baby is almost always with me or my mom and to make matters worst he only sees my mother and me as an authority figure he takes his mom (my sister) as a joke when she says no to anything. I take care of him so much that my friends refer to him as my son. I know the amount of help I’m giving my sister is not helping her in anyway and is actually hurting her but I can’t back off for the sake of the sweet little boy.

2 weeks ago my sister had a miscarriage and that was the ultimate blow for my mother and me. We can’t understand why she would careless enough to get pregnant again. I just spoke to her in reference to the miscarriage and it seems as if she doesn’t care. She stated she will continue skipping school to be with her boyfriend/baby daddy; which is the way she got pregnant both times. At home she’s not allowed to see him because I have an Island mother with strict rules. But like I told my sister if I went through the same strict rules until I graduated high school and I’m now 25 with a college degree and no kids and I didn’t die or loose any limbs why can’t she overcome the rules or at least deal with it. I feel if she looks at my childhood carefully she would see that our mother was only strict until I got that high school diploma and it would be the same for her but she strongly disagrees. She says she is her own person and will continue to do as she pleases.

Her situation hurts my soul in several different ways. She’s in a bad relationship and she knows it when I confronted her she simply said she didn’t care. I want to save my little sister from herself and her Boyfriend but she won’t let me do it for her or help her save herself. She wants to continue living her life as she has been. What do I do, how do I save her?

You really do have such a sweet kind spirit, but unfortunately, it's hard to help someone until they reach rock bottom and actually want to be helped. It sounds like alot of what your sister is going through is precipitated by something deeper that noone is thinking about. What was the trigger that sent your sister on a totally opposite direction than she was originally? You were both raised with the same methodology, she has your great example to look up to, and yet she's purposefully made decisions that are not progressive. This just brings to my mind the startling fact that she is trying to hurt herself.

For some reason, she feels unworthy, unmotivated and self-destructive...I would take this as a red flag of some sort of abuse or molestation in her past that she might/might not have told you about. The guilt, shame and embarrassment from this might be what's internally sabotaging her own consciousness. I really feel that she's acting out to get attention from the both of you---as if there is something she needs to say or hear from you that she's not getting. Perhaps a family counseling session or even some 1:1 psychiatrist sessions might yield insight into what's going on in her head.

Now with her not even being a good mother...I feel really sorry for your nephew, but she was never ready to be a mother. She's still a kid herself and 'motherhood' doesn't automatically kick in once you get knocked up. I think your mom should take her to the doctor and get her on DepoProvera. If she's going to be having unprotected sex, she might as well get on birth control to prevent incubating another generation of babies that just need their mother's love and attention and aren't getting it. Your nephew is getting the best care and love from you and your mom, and hopefully that will be sufficient until Sister Dearest grows up (we pray) and takes over the reins. If you are concerned that he's in danger while in her care or she's a bad influence on him, both of you can petition the court for legal guardianship and get a case rolling with Child Protective Services in the interim. As the mature adults in this scenario, it is your place to make sure that lil nephew is getting the proper care in his formative years. Maybe even starting the court proceedings will be the impetus Sis needs to come to her senses.

With her taking up with Baby Daddy, once again there is very little you can do there. Young love can be so foolish and she will have to learn on her own that her choice of a sperminator wasn't a bright one. I feel like the more pressure and restrictions you put on her, the more she will continue acting out. You have to realize that once she had a baby, she's an Emancipated Minor, which means that legally, your mom doesn't even have a say in her life anymore. It sucks but that's the way the United States run their system. (I'm assuming you are in the US because if you were anywhere else your mom would've whupped some sense into her).

Besides that I really don't know what else to tell you. It sounds like you are at your wit's end but truthfully and sadly, you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped. You just have to let her know that you will always love her, you're there for her, and you'll be there to pick her up when she comes crashing down.

Good luck.


Posted by Vixen @ 3:48 AM :: 2 trainees letting it rip!

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