Bad Girl's Guide

Saturday, March 31, 2007

On Wasting Time in Relationships

Barclay left a great comment on yesterday's post that deserves a comprehensive response so I'm posting it on here.
Hmm .... Vix, although your advice is good as usual, I'm going to jump off on a tangent here: the attitude that the destination is more important than the journey. It pops up in your article as well when you're talking about timelines: "... you don't feel like you've wasted too many years waiting for him."

Wasted? Really? Relationships are evolutionary processes -- where at times, you may grow together, and at times, apart -- but I think you end up missing out on the relationship itself if you're overly concerned about where the relationship is going. It seems there must be plenty of good times to look back on and appreciate in that last year(s), and also lessons learned, so in that respect I would say it's anything but a waste -- on the contrary, it's everything! To mutate an expression, if you're always worried about being older than yesterday, or younger than tomorrow, you're never enjoying today.

If you twist my intentions, you could definitely use my words to justify a carefree and hedonistic lifestyle that only used others for what they can give you right now, or to completely disregard planning for the future. But I believe that's a just reactionary swing on the sine wave; justifying actions instead of acting justly. Regardless, if the end of a relationship isn't the desired outcome, it doesn't mean that the time spent was worthless. It was part of the process; value it but move on. Don't be in such a rush to get somewhere.

Regarding the guy not bringing it up because "he doesn't want to get rejected or make himself more emotionally vulnerable" -- I can see this being an issue if communication is already lacking (the two of you actually are of the same opinion but he doesn't believe that to be the case), or he accurately believes the two of you to not be in the same place regarding marriage. It either of those two cases, there's other issues that need to get resolved prior to a proposal.

Then again, if marriage is non-negotiable for an individual, give it your all. :)

(BTW, I only write this much when I'm responding to someone whom I respect, so keep up the good work.)
Barclay, thanks for the response, haven't heard from you in a while! It's always nice to get to see the other side of the coin. I do agree that all relationships are essential to your development and an evolutionary process that should be appreciated in it's totality, and the whole savoring every moment ideology, that's all me! Remember, I did say, "Don't make marriage a sore topic between you because that will eventually destroy your relationship. Focus your energies instead on savoring and enjoying your relationship and attaining more depth."

However, the 'wasting time' part comes from when you've been with him forever (as the lady in the example), leaving your most fruitful years waiting for him to make up his mind. The urgency might not be there for guys, but for women, the biological clock and urge to settle down is a very strong thing.

If you were with someone that you both knew wasn't ultimately a good match for you (as in the example) for over 7 years...then yes, you are wasting time. Mostly because I feel that the ideal partner should challenge and help you grow and want to grow with you. There is only so much you can evolve with someone who isn't learning and growing along with you. And not just mentally, but growing emotionally and spiritually as well. If you are meant to be together, somehow you will both end up on the same plane, and it's usually noticeable within the first year.

If you feel like the relationship has long term potential, then by all means hang in there. But you should have at least had a talk (or several) to see if you are on the same wavelength. My sister was with her beau for five years before they got engaged, and according to my timeline that would be atrociously long. However, throughout the relationship they both talked/knew it was a possibility and set definite goals (finishing school, careers, etc.) in place as markers so that when they were ready, they knew it and took it to the next level.

Being in the relationship, enjoying every moment and focusing on the journey instead of the destination is the right thing to do, but in practice, it's fucking ironic to enjoy the journey if you know that you are headed towards Splitsville. No matter how great he is, if he doesn't want to settle down ever and you do, even if you compromise on this, you won't be able to be fully happy in a relationship with him. Having experiences and memories to draw back on years down the road isn't going to help ease the ache in your heart or empty womb. In addition, we feel like our prime 'beauty' years were all frittered away. Even though it sucks, society still does equate youth with beauty and we subconsciously do it too.

The older you get, the more you end up settling what you really want/deserve for someone else because the pickings do get slimmer. The men your age want younger chicks, and almost everyone after 35 has been around the marriage block with children and emotional baggage all up in the mix. So knowing this, why would you want to stay in a relationship that isn't fulfilling to you and doesn't fit all your needs?

As liberated as we act at times, most of us are still mothers/nurturers at heart and want to engage in traditional roles once we are ready to settle down. We have concrete expectations of where we see ourselves in a decade or two. Even though we are enjoying every experience that life is handing our way, we still know where we want to end up. The destination is essential, in fact the destination and journey go hand in hand.

It's like if we were both sitting in the car, waiting for someone to start driving. We might spend time talking while we are sitting, but at the same time-- we are going nowhere. At the end of the day, one of us is going to have to start the car to reach a destination or leave. All that time spent talking---it's all good, and yeah we did learn more about each other, but at the same time, we end up late for whatever we were trying to accomplish.

This scenario of waiting to get to the next phase only to end up disappointed is more common than you think. It is worse when one of the parties has a different expectation/idea of the relationship than the other person. And as women, although we value and have learned from our past relationships, we can call the bullshit ones for what they really were, a waste of time.

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Friday, March 30, 2007

Asking Him to Settle Down & Marry

Moxie has a post on her blog from a 39 year old lady that's been in a long term relationship for close to 7 years and is thinking of breaking up with the guy due to incompatibility issues. As usual, Moxie hit the nail on the head with her commentary but something in that story got me thinking. WHAT THE HELL TOOK HER SO DAMN LONG TO FIGURE IT OUT???

Granted not everyone knows from the very first moment they meet their significant other that this is it...but 7 years? You've gotta be kidding me. I believe that you should know within 6 months to a year max if you have a future with him. It's not as complicated as math...when it's right, you just know. For the fact that they were both waddling for years and years should have alerted her that something was seriously messed up in this relationship.

Sure, not everyone matures at the same rate, and he might be a great guy and all but not ready to get married yet. I'm not saying bum-rush him to the altar, but a little direction wouldn't go amiss. Remember, most relationship cues are taken from the other person. He's not going to bring it up if you don't because he doesn't want to get rejected or make himself more emotionally vulnerable. Women on the other hand, are used to dealing with emotions and letting it all hang out---and this is one of those instances that you might have to take the lead. You should have had the talk on what your long term plans are within a few weeks of your first year anniversary if not before. That way, you know where you stand in the relationship and where it's headed.

Most relationships crumble within the first year anyway, so if you are celebrating your first anniversary, there is definitely something that is making you two gel together. Once you are 100% positive that he's the One, and he's articulated his ardent love and commitment to you as well, you should be able to articulate something along the lines of, "I would marry you if you asked me." Or even, "I see myself happily married one day." This plants the idea in his mind that you won't reject him if he asked you...and that you see marriage in your future.

Mention it in a serious conversation and then let it rest. Don't make marriage a sore topic between you because that will eventually destroy your relationship. Focus your energies instead on savoring and enjoying your relationship and attaining more depth.

A few months later, drop a few more hints. Some guys do need more prodding and a serious discussion of your desire to settle down with him further puts the idea in his mind. I strongly believe that in 18 months...he already knows whether or not he's going to marry you. That is the ultimate time limit that I advocate, and that's because I feel it's long enough that he knows you well, and yet short enough that if he doesn't want to take the plunge, you don't feel like you've wasted too many years waiting for him.

The only reason that I can see for waiting any longer is if one of you is going through a life crises that needs all your emotions, support and energy to contend with. Anything less than that and he's just stalling you, waiting in the hopes that someone 'better' might come around. If this is the case, then you don't want to be twiddling your thumbs waiting for him for 7 years.

So express your intention to be married but don't make it into an ultimatum or demand. First, express to him how much you love him and how much he means to you. Tell him that you have to stay true to yourself and your desire to be married/settled. Calmly state that you understand his hesitance/issues around marriage and you are willing to work with him on that. At the same time, you have to know if he sees himself married to you and lay down a timeline that you can compromise with. Be sure to let him know that after that, you will have to follow your desires if he hasn't made a firm decision.

After that, stay your sweet self and let things go the way they will. If he's the man for you, he will realise this during the last few weeks you are giving him to think things through that he can't live without you and do everything to keep you. If he doesn't, follow through with your plan and as hard as it's going to be...you have to bid him adieu.

If not, you will be looking back 7 years later wondering why he still hasn't committed. And I will be slapping you upside the head silly and saying I told you so!

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Thursday, March 29, 2007

When You Are Jealous of His New Girlfriend: Meet Natasha

On the infamous Myspace an ex-boyfriend found me. Outside of our relationship thereafter we have always been good friends until I lost his new phone number accidentally. Anyways I'm looking at his pictures, many of which with his new girlfriend, and they look so happy and I'm real jealous. Now I'm in a relationship and have been for the last 3 years. In reference to my ex-boyfriend I never remember him looking that good. I'm more attracted to him now than I've ever been when I was with him.

If you were wondering the reason we broke up is because we got to a point where he couldn't keep up with me. I knew more than him in every aspect of my life, his life and society as a whole. He acknowledged that and since I was not in the mood to teach or wait for him to catch on/up, so in order to experience life in the fashion I wanted to so we parted ways.

Look Nat, it seems to me like you are suffering from the "One that Got Away" syndrome. You have to examine your reasons for this so called attraction. Your ex is looking better to you and more attractive, mainly because he's no longer with you and seems quite happier with someone else. The jealousy comes from there as you've correctly identified.

It sucks when you see someone you had deep feelings for head over heels in love with someone else. Mainly because as insecure beings, we place our self-worth on the validation that we hold a special place in someone else's life. When you feel like you've been replaced and forgotten, it is a blow to your self esteem.

Snap out of it sister! He isn't with you for a reason. The reason you broke up with him is still there even more than three years after the fact. You might think that he's more 'mature' now and more on your level, but you two weren't compatible then, and won't be compatible now. He's found happiness and compatibility with someone else, a girl that understands his thinking and is on the same path as he is. The right thing to do is wish him well and claim your happiness.

You have a committed, long-term relationship with your boyfriend, who for some reason you don't sound as happy to be with. You didn't gush to him at all about your current beau, and just talked about this Ex and how attractive he is. Which sounds an alarm to me that there is some issues there. Harboring feelings of an ex has the ability to stifle your current/new relationship. The fact that you are even jealous signals that you still have some strong feelings towards your ex. Not good. You have got to let this ex go...in every way possible. Being friends with him is not helping you move forward. Besides, you are just providing the temptation of a future liaison at a later date. Enough with the open-endedness. Let. Him. Go.

I would also advise spending less time on Myspace and more quality time with your boyfriend in real life. You sound like you are an adventurous person that wants to live la vida loca, so do so. Remember, if a book where written about you today, what would you want it to say? That you are still in love with your ex after 3+ years; that you wish to sabotage his new relationship breaking multiple hearts in the process; that he's more attractive now so you slept with him and betrayed your boyfriend's trust? Or would you want it to say that you are a wonderful, beautiful woman--both inside and out; who knows what she wants out of life and lives every moment to the fullest, spreading love and happiness wherever she goes?

Anyway, that's all I have to say about that. Good luck and please, make the right choice.


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Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Hiccups

I really want to write something...but I can't think straight. I'm delirious as hell and on top of that I have an awful case of the hiccups.

I've tried the whole water thing, combined with holding your breath while you drink said glass of water to no avail. It's been an hour and counting and I'm so frustrated I don't know what to do.

So, Hot Seat question of the week...how do you get rid of hiccups?

Somebody help...please!!!

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Monday, March 26, 2007

Politics

Never believe anything in politics until it has been officially denied. ~Otto von Bismarck

My other sister, aka the Genius, has a wonderful blog on politics that is written in the open letter format. Somehow, she does manage to make the 'advice' to the different political figures of today both entertaining and interesting.

It's like something Jon Stewart would say...but it's in a blog format so you can read it at work... Check it out here.

http://dilemma2008.blogspot.com

It's so funny that this time last year, I was the only sister blogging--and now I've gotten them all into it and they've all found their own unique niche. I'm so proud of them.

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Book Review: The Great Sex Secret

Penned by Kim Marshall, the premise of this book promises to deliver the ultimate guide to women's sexual satisfaction. It's a hefty promise for a book that's less than 200 pages, so I skeptically dived into it.

For some reason, I couldn't devour the book as voraciously as I normally do. For starters, the writing style was too scientific and dry for my taste. I did enjoy reading the history of sex and I really must say...women's sexual empowerment has come a looooooong way since the beginning when men didn't have a clue what to do with a woman's body and how to make her orgasm. Of course, it makes perfect sense why there are still millions of men with an archaic understanding of the rudiments of a women's orgasm---hopefully we are knocking down those numbers one by one.

The book tackled alot of issues in the following chapters, delving into everything from the science of simultaneous orgasms to maintaining a great sex life in a long term relationship. Majority of couples divorcing nowadays are apparently because of domino effect of a dissatisfying sex life. As interesting as some parts of it were, there wasn't enough pizazz to keep me wanting to read the next page. I ended up skimming sections that looked interesting and axe-ing the rest.

I'm not sure if this makes me qualified enough to give a review or not, but I can say this---sexual satisfaction is attainable by everyone, as long as you are willing and able to communicate your needs, believe in mutual reciprocity, discover your likes/dislikes, learn from each other and external sources, put your partner's pleasure above yours and let your wild side reign free in the boudoir.

I believe that the great sex secret is really to find someone that you are sexually compatible with and have a connection with---and taking it all from there.

Has anyone else read this? If so what did you think?
Check out the Great Sex Secret on Amazon right HERE.
I give it 3 out of 5 stars.


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Sunday, March 25, 2007

Watching Porn with Your Man/Woman

All through the centuries from the inception of sex, pornography has gotten a bad rap. Not just from Bible thumpers and ultra conservatives, but everyone, even the liberals have given porn a bad name. Sure, there are elements of it that can be construed as degrading to women and the feminist movement is surely giving the porn industry a firm lashing, but I've discovered that when used appropriately, pornography is actually a very titillating tool for foreplay.

In the course of my research, I've stumbled across a sub-genre of porn that is created exclusively for couples. It's not so abrasive, not so degrading and yet still appeases to both sides of the male/female spectrum. I feel that I can get something out of it too, and not just scene after scene that is strictly targeted to guys. I know some of you might be thinking it's soft porn---but that isn't the case. It's hard core porn that is made with open-minded females in mind.

It doesn't have the nasty, raunchy stuff that makes your skin crawl and kills your moxie instantly. It's more seductive, yet still pornographic. Okay, I don't really think I can explain it enough. Why don't you try one of the videos out yourself?

This website has a list of recommended movies that fit nicely into this new sub-genre. Try one out for when you are in the mood for something out of the ordinary. Let me know what you think.

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Friday, March 23, 2007

Spelman Science/Howard Hughes Summer Program

I figured at least one of my younger readers might be interested/eligible for this. Good luck!

Please see the information below for the Spelman Summer Science Program.
Please pass on the students that might be interested.

I am writing to inform you of an excellent opportunity for female
students.
The Howard Hughes Summer Science Program, sponsored by the Spelman
College Biology Department, is for rising female 12th graders interested
in pursuing careers in biology, biochemistry and other
biomedical-related fields. The program is a five-week residential
program taking place June 17, - July 20, 2007. This program is designed
to provide participants with an integrative science educational
experience and to develop their interpersonal skills.

Students that are eligible to apply to the program must be:

A rising 12th grade female student enrolled in an accredited high school
program; Maintaining a minimum GPA of 3.0 on a 4.0 scale; and able to
attend the program for all five weeks students may not participate in
other programs concurrently.

The application deadline for the program is March 30, 2007.

For program application and information, interested students should
visit the following website:

Howard Hughes Summer Program

If you have any questions, feel free to contact me by phone (404)270-5855 or by
email ttsmith@spelman.edu.

Regards,

Tokiwa T. Smith
Howard Hughes Program Coordinator
Biology Department
Spelman College
350 Spelman Lane SW, Box 1183
Atlanta, GA 30314-4399
Direct: 404-270-5855
Fax: 404-270-5725
Email: ttsmith@spelman.edu

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Wednesday, March 21, 2007

When You Are More Attracted to His Friend: Meet Cassie

Question: I got this question from one of my younger readers this morning. To summarize, last year she met a guy at the bar who was attractive and on the booty prowl. She was on the same tip, so she flirted with him. A little while later, his friend walked into the room and the friend, "was WAY MORE ATTRACTIVE, funny, nice complexion, good teeth, great personality and we seemed to connect more." Even though she was feeling the Friend more, they didn't exchange numbers although one of her not-single friends did have #1's phone number. To cut the long story short, she ended up re-connecting with #1, talking/texting to him several times during the next week.
The next weekend, I called guy # 1 with the hope if I could get him to come out, he would bring "the friend" with him. Of course it worked!!! We all went out the weekend of my birthday and had a really great time...."the friend" and I flirted all night, but didn't exchange numbers.
We started taking on regular and he would always accuse me of using him to get to "the friend". It was true in a way, but the more I started talking to him, the more I liked him. Anyway, after a while, we ended up sleeping together.

Ok, let me be honest...it was a *uck! There was no kissing, not a lot of foreplay, really just boring and neither of us had a chance to get to the finish line. Vixen, while he was in the act of what he believed was blowing my back out, I kept asking him "Are you finished yet?" LOL, I know it was wrong, but if you want to *uck at least be entertaining while you do it.

After that night, we really didn't talk that much. It's like the feelings were mutual. We knew it wouldn't work, kind of an unspoken truce to just leave things alone.
So they stopped speaking and moved on with their separate lives. She even ended up running into both of them months later and acted like she didn't know them. Last week, she was alone and ran into The Friend again, all by his lonesome. They finally exchanged numbers and ended up talking but haven't had a date yet. Last night they had the following conversation via text message.
I asked him, where he was.
Him: "In my bed"
Me: "Damn, so tempting..makes me want to drop what I'm doing."
Him: "I'm going to hold you to that."
Me: "To what, the bed frame?"
Him: "No, to the wall."
It sad how a fine man can easily turn me on. Before I responded to his last txt, I had to think...Could I be the punch line of the joke?(I still haven't replied to his txt) He may know that I slept with guy # 1.

Me spilling my guts on the table to you Vixen is just to ask the following:
Should I ask him if he knows about me and guy # 1?
Should I just tell him? or
Should I just leave him alone?

Answer: This is the part where I jump in. Before I answer your questions sweetie, let's examine all the things that you did wrong. You USED friend #1 to get to the guy you really wanted. You admitted that you weren't really feeling him but had a better vibe with his friend. So instead of ditching #1 and being an honest woman about it, you bunny hopped. He wasn't invested on that first day, neither of them were; so if you had just told him you weren't interested and pursued his friend there would be no hard feelings, no angst and no recriminations. But now there are.

In addition, you slept with him, even though you knew that you weren't all that into him. That's one of the reasons why the sex was bad, your mind was on the other guy, and he probably had the insecurity of that. I'm not giving him excuses, he probably did totally suck in bed, but you had something to do with that. On some elemental level you both recognized that. No wonder things cooled after that.

Now on to your question. Yes. He does know about you and #1. Men talk and I bet you he did tell his friend about you. Depending on the level of their closeness, he also might have gone into the fact that he banged you. He's bound to exaggerate his level of prowess, but he did mention that you are an easy lay. See, he put no significant effort into garnering your attentions, just a text message here, a phone call there and coming to party with you. He knew you weren't that into him---and yet you still slept with him. Which in his mind makes you out to be an easy lay.

You need to ask yourself what do you really want from The Friend. Do you just want to knock boots with him, turn him into your booty call, or do you see some long term potential? I think you see him as possible Boyfriend material, being that you mentioned how much you two connect and that he hasn't asked you out on a date yet. Also, if it was just about sex for you, you would have slept with him already without a second thought.

My gut reaction is to run in the opposite direction. I wouldn't want to have to deal with the tangle of drama, emotions and hurt feelings that will ensue if this blew up or even developed into a further relationship. Can you imagine hanging out with both of them, knowing that you've slept with both and feeling alright about it? Can you see #1 acting cool when you are making out with his friend in his presence? Can you imagine them talking about you when you aren't there? The Friend is never going to ditch #1 for you...guys have a code of ethics too, "it's Bros before Ho's," so at the end of the day, you do have to deal amicably with #1 if you decide to stick around.

My advice---wait it out. As much as you might be into him, you have to find out what his intentions are before your heart gets into the mix. If you just want to fuck him and don't give a damn about what happens after, still wait it out. Your instincts are telling you that you might just be a punchline, as the girl who was all over both of them. He might just be vibing with you now to see if he can get laid. He might be trying to compete with his friend. He might actually have a crush on you but wasn't sure how to proceed knowing that you slept with his friend. If you want him for something more, or even to have a lasting friendship after you knock boots then it's best to lay a good foundation.

Keep talking to him and see where it leads. Have a few dates with him---not hangout dates with a gaggle of friends, but real one-on-one dates. Get to know him more than just superficially. During this process, you will be able to tell which category you fall under for him. If he keeps pressing you for sex & intimacy, then you can sense that that is his primary motivation and act accordingly to your needs. Pay attention to how he acts and what he says. It's not just all fun, flirty games, every guy tells you what kind of man he is in conversation, it's just that us women tend not to listen. LISTEN! Waiting might not be your strong suit, but in this case it will serve you well.

Good luck.

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Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Hot Seat Tuesday

This week, I'm going to pull out the most absurd question that has lead a reader to my blog via Google. Thankfully it's nothing involving sex with monkeys or dirty sluts guide like a few more off the wall topics but something that, if I had all the time in the world, and got paid for replying, I might actually decide to answer.

"a guide to letting your partner suck your boobs"

First of all, if your partner doesn't know shit about sucking boobs, he shouldn't be allow to proceed to the next stage. It's called second base for a reason...you work on it and work on it until you ace that level before proceeding to the next. It's not rocket science! It's just a boob! I know he might not have one or anything, but this is one of those things that should be instinctual.

Okay, maybe I'm being too hard on you. For all I know, you might be hella young, hella ignorant and hella naive. Let me break it down for you & him.
  • If it hurts, make him stop.
  • If he bites, make him stop...unless of course you like it.
  • If he twists, definitely make him stop.
  • If he pulls excessively, make him stop.
  • If he yanks said boob like it's a dog chain, make him stop and absolutely no sex tonight. In fact, you can show him how much it hurts by reciprocating on his balls.
Anything beyond that is pretty much easy breezy. Kissing, nibbling, sucking, suckling and licking are all good. I can't believe I actually answered this.

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Sunday, March 18, 2007

Teaching Children About Sex

In my family, it was more along the lines of, "Never have pre-marital sex and don't you ever get pregnant outside of wedlock!!!!", followed by further exhortations on the beauty of virginity and the possibility of getting disowned if you got knocked up. My parents skipped over the whole safe sex part totally and never, EVER told me about how to actually enjoy sex. Although being ultra conservative Christians, this is their belief, but at the same time it wouldn't have been remiss to arm me with a lot more information should I choose not to go the fostered route. They actually wanted us to think that they never, EVER had sex until with each other. Yeah right. Needless to say, I learned my lessons the hard way.

I asked the Boyfriend the other day what his parents taught him about sex. His family is more open-minded, and his parents definitely more open to talking about everything under the sun. So I figured it would have been more fruitful education. Not so. It wasn't a topic that was ever brought up in an open forum---not even between father and son in a serious way that went beyond jokes and laughter.

I'm sure that if you thought about it and talked about it, very few of our parents ever had the talk with us about sexual responsibility and even less told us what the great sex secret was. So we ended up all finding out through our peers (who knew less than we did), the media (who sensationalized everything), and our own experiences the rudiments, importance and techniques surrounding sex. Thank God for the Internet!

Fortunately our generation managed to muddle through those awkward teenage years and youth with some grace. Unfortunately, we ended up with the highest population of sexually transmitted diseases and AIDS in history.

In raising our children, I definitely want to be more open about sex. Not in an embarrassing way or anything like that; but I want my daughter to be able to ask me any question knowing that I'll give an honest and forthright response. I want to give her tips on giving the best blowjobs, and educate my sons that foreplay/afterplay are very essential in the boudoir. I want to talk to them about safe sex, about birth control, about the possible baggage and heartbreak they are going to endure if they make ridiculous choices with their lovers. I want to encourage them to wait until they are 'ready', but not in a vague way like most parents do today and actually help them to figure out if they are ready.

I want to teach them to think with their head as well as their heart, and that sex is beautiful and wonderful. I want them to be able to talk to me...about anything, even if they think that I might get upset. I want to be the first person they turn to when they get in any sexual difficulty...and not just the big ones, but the little ones as well. I want to comfort them when they've had bad experiences, and share some of my ridiculous stories with them. I don't want them to ever look back, wishing that I'd been more open with them. I don't want them to have to learn basic sexual secrets in their 30s or 40s, and learn sexual lessons the hard way like I did.

Some people might feel that this is just going to breed a family full of sexual promiscuity --- but I don't think this will be the case. Ignorance is no longer an excuse for getting caught with your pants down, and I mean this literally as well as figuratively. Teaching them is elementally going to help them, both in the bedroom and out of it. It's better to get good information from a trusted source (like your parents), then to get false or foolish information from ignorant sources and learn from your own mistakes. And not all mistakes are reversible, sometimes, the consequences are quite debilitating.

My kids will be well informed and well educated in every aspect of sex. Besides, if you remove the mystery out of sex, then it becomes less of a taboo and less of a big deal. They will be more equipped to deal with it and less apt to stumble blindly into sex out of sheer curiosity. Add to that, my kids will be straight up sexual goddesses/gods, which ultimately puts them at the top of the food chain. What's not to love about that?

I guess it's true that with each generation, there is a definite shift in the way we educate and train our children.

How do you plan on teaching your kids about sex? If you have kids, how have you taught them? Feel free to bash this philosophy to pieces and share your own.

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Friday, March 16, 2007

New Places to Meet Singles

Instead of heading to your local bar to pick up members of the opposite sex, how about this weekend you think outside of the box? Obviously, your happy hour plan isn't working, and every weekend it's just the same boring crush of stand-offish women surrounded by pushy guys. Adding alcohol only leads you to find out that he actually looks better with his mouth shut and you have to shout every word you say to be heard over the bar.

Guys---how about you try David's Bridal? It's a well kept secret that it's a store full with hordes of women. Especially now that weddings are in the air, local wedding superstores and bridal boutiques are flooded with women of all shapes, colors & sizes. Only 1 lady out of the whole party is off limits. She's the one sporting the shiny ring, so it shouldn't be that hard to identify her. I was surprised at how many women were jammed into that one building. Especially on the weekends, it's a madhouse of ladies all trying to find that special dress. Usually only the bride and her best friend/mom are focusing on the dress, everyone else has gotten bored with the 5th gown change and our eyes are starting to glaze over. A little eye candy at this time wouldn't be remiss at all, even if all you do is make googoo eyes at each other. Now what happens after that is up to you, provided all your mojo isn't sapped with all the estrogen flying around.

As for the ladies, head to your local Home Depot or other home improvement warehouse. The best times are weekend mornings for some reason. I swear that Home Depot is actually designed for guys like how the mall is designed for us girls. I was so lost in there, like a fish out of water. I'm sure many of you ladies have felt the same way as you try to sashay through huge aisles full of...door latches. Really, how many types of latches does one need---a whole friggin' row of them? Asking for help never fails as a good opener and after that, the sky is really the limit.

Okay, that's all the tips I have for today. Don't worry, I will still be in the 'blog mode' as I'm going to have to test out this new blowjob trick I picked up from Overeducated Nympho last night. I'll be sure to report back.

"The things I do for the sake of the blog!", as OEN would say;)

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Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Bridesmaid Dress

Thanks for all the wonderful comments everyone! Wow...I actually thought this blog was sleepy comment-wise until yesterday!

I loved the tea length dress idea but the Bride is very adamant that the dress be Cornflower Blue and they don't have any shorter dresses in that color. I was looking though!

My final choice is Dress A...even though it's rumored to be heavy, it looks divine, fits like a dream and isn't as flashy as the other one. In addition, it's sedate but sexy at the same time---which is a good look for a seriously committed babe.

I think A is exquisite and will make me look as gorgeous as can be without upstaging the Bride. I will be ordering it this weekend.

Thanks for the contributions everyone:) I'll be sure to take pix so you can see the final product.

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Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Hot Seat Question

Dress A

Okay, okay, so this is a bit late...I'm blaming it on Daylight Savings Time. It looks like I'm going to be a bridesmaid twice this summer. As the maid of honor at my college bud's wedding, I get to choose my own dress. It's going to be a sunset wedding in July and of course I have to get a wrap to go with it. Her color choice is Cornflower Blue. Besides that it's all on me. I'm torn between This and This.

Which would you go with?

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Plastic Surgery

There is a new campaign that is headed by the American Academy of Cosmetic Surgery called 'Be Wise About Beauty'. The campaign's mission is to educate consumers while eradicating common misconceptions regarding plastic and cosmetic surgery.

I'm not a great believer in plastic surgery unless under extreme medical situations, but I know that our generation has gotten really hooked on plastic surgery as a way to create the 'perfect body' that you've always wanted. Of course, being that our perception of beauty is skewed anyway, the perfect body turns out looking like a scary, stick-like Barbie android with huge eyes, huge lips, huge tits and skinny frame.

It's more important to realise that your features and your body is unique and special to you. You are created beautiful and wonderfully crafted in God's image. Why would you want to mess that up with silicone, Botox, fat injections and all sorts of strange concoctions?

Anyway, check out the Campaign for Beauty and if you have a free moment, take the test to see if you are ready for plastic surgery.

You can learn more here:

www.bewiseaboutbeauty.com


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Monday, March 12, 2007

Don't be a Crumb Snatcher

Definition: A crumb snatcher is a woman that dates a man that no other woman in her right mind would date. He is the epitome of a man to stay away from, and yet she keeps finding one loser right after another to add to her long list of men who treat her badly.

I'm sure that you know a couple crumb snatchers off the bat. There are even a plethora of celebrity crumb snatchers. She's the friend that is with a man that is a deadbeat with no job, no prospects and very low ethics. It could be that he lacks motivation, just got out of prison, is addicted to drugs/alcohol, and beats the shizz out of her. He's the guy that has 3 or more kids with different baby mamas and so has no money of his own 'cos child support is after his ass so he doesn't work. So he's living off her while she pays ALL the bills. He has the law after him, thinks having a felony is just another day in the park and doesn't want to improve his prospects in life. Or he could be sort of responsible, but treats her so bad that you cringe at every word he says. He brow beats her, controls her, spends her money, emotionally/physically abuses her and has her constantly under his thumb.

He's a crumb. And she's latching on to him like he's the best thing since sliced bread. For every single thing he does, she has an excuse for him, and is an Enabler to his vices. He doesn't give her the proper appreciation, adoration, respect, love and care that she deserves; and for some reason, she's okay with that. He gives her crumbs of his attention, is probably cheating on her as well or badmouthing her to his friends and she keeps 'forgiving' him and taking him back fight after fight after fight.

He's a user. And he's using her for everything she has; her resources, her connections, her emotions, sex and love, until eventually he saps her of everything that she is. He keeps taking and taking while she keeps giving and giving. Eventually he will leave her, the moment he finds another Crumb Snatcher that is further up the food chain. And she will be left bereft and mourning the loss, castigating all men for her own foolishness.

You would think that in this day and age, men like I described above would no longer exist. But they do in greater posterity than you can imagine. It is mainly because we women keep allowing them to treat us like shit, allowing them to take advantage of us and allowing them to use us. All he has to do is look down the street to find anotherCrumb Snatcher who will readily take him in. We can't stop this trend if we don't address the character flaws and bad habits within ourselves that make this a possibility.

I know that deciding to be a Crumb Snatcher is not a choice that you make consciously, but if you do find yourself in a situation similar to the one I described, you need to notice the red flags sister girl and handle your business.

You aren't going to get a good man if you don't believe that you deserve one. And EVERY woman, regardless of who she is or what she's done deserves to be with a good man. If you put yourself down and scrape the bottom of the barrel, then crumbs are all you are going to get. You have to set your standards higher, and don't accept anything less than that. Absolutely NO deadbeats allowed. I don't care if he fucks like he invented sex or is good looking; if he's a user, loser and jobless, he's not the man for you. End of story.

Your thoughts?



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Wednesday, March 07, 2007

To Other Bloggers

I came across this questionnaire today of a lady researching from Australia the reasons why people blog and it struck me as something that a few of you might be able to relate to and reply to as well. Just reading it brought to mind some of my main reasons for blogging, why I started it, and why I still do it even months after it's inception. If you have a few moments to spare, fill out this questionnaire. It's strictly anonymous. Ciao!

Dear blogger,

We would like to invite you to participate in a research study that
investigates blogging practices, motives for blogging and the ways in which
people explore their identity through blogging. This research is being
conducted by Associate Professor Ann Knowles (principal researcher) and Ms
Danielle Williamson at the Faculty of Life and Social Sciences at Swinburne
University of Technology in Melbourne, Australia.

Your involvement in this research will contribute to increasing
psychologists' understanding of blogging, as well as our understanding of
the period of life between adolescence and adulthood.

Participation in this study involves completing an online questionnaire,
which will take approximately 20 minutes. Your response is totally
anonymous and confidential. The questionnaire is located at:
http://opinio.online.swin.edu.au/s?s=1847.

To participate in this study you must be over 18 years old and have a blog
that is at least one month old, that you update at least monthly. Further
details of this study, including the complaints procedure, are provided at
the beginning of the questionnaire.

If you have any queries regarding this research, please contact either Ann
Knowles (aknowles@groupwise.swin.edu.au) or Danielle Williamson (
Danielle.Williamson@justice.vic.gov.au).

Thank you very much for your time. Your completion of the questionnaire
would be greatly appreciated. If you know of other people who maintain a
blog that may be interested in completing this questionnaire, please
forward them this email invitation.

Yours Sincerely,

Danielle Williamson
Faculty of Life and Social Sciences
Swinburne University of Technology

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Book Review: Kiss & Run

Written by Elina Furman, this book has the byline of being "The Single, Picky and Indecisive Girl's Guide to Overcoming Her Fear of Commitment." Surprisingly, it's not about how to snag a guy, how being single is fabulous or how being part of a twosome is the best thing to do. It manages to avoid all those issues yet brings alot of insight to a dating/relationship trend that alot of women (and men!) face.

In a nutshell, it's a book written for Commitment-phobes by a commitment-phobe. Elina breaks down the 7 major types of commitment-phobes in a sassy, no-holds barred prose that is both eye opening, hilarious and interesting. I found out that I used to be a combination of several types. Originally I started out as a combination of the Free Spirit/Nitpicker to the Serial Dater/Player until eventually I found that guy that made me turn in my running shoes and blissfully commit.

As interesting as this book is, it's actually very well researched. Elina used 3 years to interview singletons and former commitment-phobes to find out what actually made us quit, bolt and run screaming in the opposite direction with any pithy excuse we could find. Every chapter deals with a different type of this dating ailment, has a plethora of easily identifiable examples as well as quizzes that help you recognize easily which type you are. It's a great read for Girls Night, as you can take the quizzes with your friends, (they might even know more about your dating habits then you do!)

At the end of every chapter there are several tips to help you gradually morph away from the type of commitment phobia that you have into a healthier and more open singleton. Of course don't expect an overnight change, but at least you will be able to realise your trends and stop sabotaging yourself in this quest called love.

Of course, I still believe it takes a wonderful combination of you being in the right place in your life and right mindset; a dash of healthy optimism, a twist of fate, coupled with a fantastically amazing man that you are head over heels in love with as the one true solution into getting yourself to turn in those running shoes for good.

This is a great read and highly insightful for both singletons and former Commitment-phobes. On her website, you can take the commitment phobe test online to see which category you rank under...try it out, it's free and fun. Check out your copy of Kiss & Run HERE.


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Tuesday, March 06, 2007

When His Ex Tells You Tales

I was watching I Love New York last night, and on the episode she had the exes of her current beaus come to the scene to find out the dirty secrets that the men had never told her.

Besides the fact that some sordid and scintillating tales came up, it also brought to mind that one's ex really could be your Achilles' heel. Think about it, his ex has known him at his worst moments, and also at his best. He's let his guard down with her and stopped putting on the fake face. She does know how to get her way with him, and how to push his buttons. Interviewing his ex is like skipping past all the romantic facade and honeymoon phase straight to the nitty gritty flaws in him. It's almost like a get free info pass, complete with personal knowledge and skeletons in his closet.

There are innumerable pitfalls in this of course. She might just be telling you stuff or tainting it in a bad light to make him look worse. She might be a man-eater and try to get her claws back into him. She might be bitter and see this as a perfect revenge tool. Or she might be an angel like in Little Black Book, and make you realise that his ex is better off with him than you are.

In addition to that, it also puts preconceived notions in your head that have no business being there. It takes the mystery and allure out of the relationship as well as the thrill of the chase. It adds more drama where there should be none and you can build up the flaws you hear about into ridiculous mountains. It adds a level of pre-judgement into your relationship and takes out an element of trust.

So overall, it's a really, really bad idea. But it does make great television.

This is what I get for watching trashy reality tv instead of going to bed. Inane thoughts running through my head. Goodnight y'all.

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Monday, March 05, 2007

To All My Bad Girls....

I'm sure many of you have seen this forward, but it's so lovely that I just have to share it with everyone.

Special Sisters

Never apologize for pursuing what makes you happy. Even if you need to
quit your job, or move across country, always do what you really want.

Never apologize for giving your best in a relationship that just didn't work out.

Never apologize for being successful. Only haters want to keep you at their level.

Never apologize for crying. Wear waterproof mascara and express yourself.

Never apologize for being frugal. Just because you save your money
instead of blowing it on the latest fashion emergency doesn't mean you're cheap.

Never apologize for being a single mom. Babies are a blessing.

Never apologize for treating yourself to something special.
Sometimes you have to show yourself some appreciation.

Never apologize for leaving an abusive relationship. Your safety should always be a priority.

Never apologize for keeping the ring even if wedding bells won't chime.

Never apologize for setting high standards in a relationship.
You know what you can tolerate and what simply gets on your nerves.

Never apologize for saying NO.

Never apologize to your new friends about old friends. There's a
reason she's been your girl from day one.

Never apologize for ordering dessert. Or more than one dessert.

Never apologize for your taste in clothes. It's your style

Never apologize for changing your mind

Never apologize for being you!

"ALWAYS KEEP YOUR HEAD UP!!!"

Send this to all the Special Sisters in your life! I just did!
A friend is a person who knows all about you and still loves you just the same.


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Friday, March 02, 2007

Dealing with Insecurity

I was listening to the radio today and a family life & relationship expert was talking about how we relate to people. He said something that totally caught my attention and made me think.

"Everyone is insecure. Everyone."

Even though alot of you might deny this---think about it. There is something about everyone that they don't 100% love. It could be a character flaw, habit, body image issue or baggage from your past. There is always something. I know I'm not perfect, no one is. Our insecurities come from our fear that someone, or people might actually see the 'real' you and not like you. We fear rejection, not just in the dating/relationship arena but in life period.

So to mask this fear, we create identities and personas of what we think people will like. A version of yourself that might be composed of bits and pieces of yourself but isn't the real you. That isn't made up of all the way really you. That way, if we do get rejected, it hurts less because you personally aren't being rejected, just your mask is. So we re-craft and re-mold the mask, hoping that next time, its more pleasing to everyone.

Humans are by nature social creatures and people pleasers. The difference between an insecure person and a confident person is that the confident person is more successful in maintaining the aura of confidence. And men are attracted to confident women.

So what's the secret formula for dealing with insecurity? Especially since everyone---from uber hotties like Beyonce to Angelina are all insecure too? How do you strike an impression as a confident person?

Fake it. Fake it until you feel it. Eventually, the confidence that you exude will start coming naturally. It's just like everything else in life. You are perceived by people how you want to be perceived. You have the power to change how people see you. All you have to do is tap into that and mold it.

Self actualization really does all begin from within.

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