Wednesday, March 21, 2007

When You Are More Attracted to His Friend: Meet Cassie

Question: I got this question from one of my younger readers this morning. To summarize, last year she met a guy at the bar who was attractive and on the booty prowl. She was on the same tip, so she flirted with him. A little while later, his friend walked into the room and the friend, "was WAY MORE ATTRACTIVE, funny, nice complexion, good teeth, great personality and we seemed to connect more." Even though she was feeling the Friend more, they didn't exchange numbers although one of her not-single friends did have #1's phone number. To cut the long story short, she ended up re-connecting with #1, talking/texting to him several times during the next week.

The next weekend, I called guy # 1 with the hope if I could get him to come out, he would bring "the friend" with him. Of course it worked!!! We all went out the weekend of my birthday and had a really great time...."the friend" and I flirted all night, but didn't exchange numbers.

We started taking on regular and he would always accuse me of using him to get to "the friend". It was true in a way, but the more I started talking to him, the more I liked him. Anyway, after a while, we ended up sleeping together.

Ok, let me be honest...it was a *uck! There was no kissing, not a lot of foreplay, really just boring and neither of us had a chance to get to the finish line. Vixen, while he was in the act of what he believed was blowing my back out, I kept asking him "Are you finished yet?" LOL, I know it was wrong, but if you want to *uck at least be entertaining while you do it.

After that night, we really didn't talk that much. It's like the feelings were mutual. We knew it wouldn't work, kind of an unspoken truce to just leave things alone.

So they stopped speaking and moved on with their separate lives. She even ended up running into both of them months later and acted like she didn't know them. Last week, she was alone and ran into The Friend again, all by his lonesome. They finally exchanged numbers and ended up talking but haven't had a date yet. Last night they had the following conversation via text message.

I asked him, where he was.
Him: "In my bed"
Me: "Damn, so tempting..makes me want to drop what I'm doing."
Him: "I'm going to hold you to that."
Me: "To what, the bed frame?"
Him: "No, to the wall."

It sad how a fine man can easily turn me on. Before I responded to his last txt, I had to think...Could I be the punch line of the joke?(I still haven't replied to his txt) He may know that I slept with guy # 1.

Me spilling my guts on the table to you Vixen is just to ask the following:
Should I ask him if he knows about me and guy # 1?
Should I just tell him? or
Should I just leave him alone?

Answer: This is the part where I jump in. Before I answer your questions sweetie, let's examine all the things that you did wrong. You USED friend #1 to get to the guy you really wanted. You admitted that you weren't really feeling him but had a better vibe with his friend. So instead of ditching #1 and being an honest woman about it, you bunny hopped. He wasn't invested on that first day, neither of them were; so if you had just told him you weren't interested and pursued his friend there would be no hard feelings, no angst and no recriminations. But now there are.

In addition, you slept with him, even though you knew that you weren't all that into him. That's one of the reasons why the sex was bad, your mind was on the other guy, and he probably had the insecurity of that. I'm not giving him excuses, he probably did totally suck in bed, but you had something to do with that. On some elemental level you both recognized that. No wonder things cooled after that.

Now on to your question. Yes. He does know about you and #1. Men talk and I bet you he did tell his friend about you. Depending on the level of their closeness, he also might have gone into the fact that he banged you. He's bound to exaggerate his level of prowess, but he did mention that you are an easy lay. See, he put no significant effort into garnering your attentions, just a text message here, a phone call there and coming to party with you. He knew you weren't that into him---and yet you still slept with him. Which in his mind makes you out to be an easy lay.

You need to ask yourself what do you really want from The Friend. Do you just want to knock boots with him, turn him into your booty call, or do you see some long term potential? I think you see him as possible Boyfriend material, being that you mentioned how much you two connect and that he hasn't asked you out on a date yet. Also, if it was just about sex for you, you would have slept with him already without a second thought.

My gut reaction is to run in the opposite direction. I wouldn't want to have to deal with the tangle of drama, emotions and hurt feelings that will ensue if this blew up or even developed into a further relationship. Can you imagine hanging out with both of them, knowing that you've slept with both and feeling alright about it? Can you see #1 acting cool when you are making out with his friend in his presence? Can you imagine them talking about you when you aren't there? The Friend is never going to ditch #1 for you...guys have a code of ethics too, "it's Bros before Ho's," so at the end of the day, you do have to deal amicably with #1 if you decide to stick around.

My advice---wait it out. As much as you might be into him, you have to find out what his intentions are before your heart gets into the mix. If you just want to fuck him and don't give a damn about what happens after, still wait it out. Your instincts are telling you that you might just be a punchline, as the girl who was all over both of them. He might just be vibing with you now to see if he can get laid. He might be trying to compete with his friend. He might actually have a crush on you but wasn't sure how to proceed knowing that you slept with his friend. If you want him for something more, or even to have a lasting friendship after you knock boots then it's best to lay a good foundation.

Keep talking to him and see where it leads. Have a few dates with him---not hangout dates with a gaggle of friends, but real one-on-one dates. Get to know him more than just superficially. During this process, you will be able to tell which category you fall under for him. If he keeps pressing you for sex & intimacy, then you can sense that that is his primary motivation and act accordingly to your needs. Pay attention to how he acts and what he says. It's not just all fun, flirty games, every guy tells you what kind of man he is in conversation, it's just that us women tend not to listen. LISTEN! Waiting might not be your strong suit, but in this case it will serve you well.

Good luck.

Labels: Ask Vixen, Booty Calls, Girl Talk

Posted by Vixen @ 1:21 PM :: 5 trainees letting it rip!

Talk to Me!

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