Friday, March 30, 2007
Asking Him to Settle Down & Marry
has a post on her blog from a 39 year old lady that's been in a long term relationship for close to 7 years and is thinking of breaking up with the guy due to incompatibility issues. As usual, Moxie hit the nail on the head with her commentary but something in that story got me thinking. WHAT THE HELL TOOK HER SO DAMN LONG TO FIGURE IT OUT???
Granted not everyone knows from the very first moment they meet their significant other that this is it...but 7 years? You've gotta be kidding me. I believe that you should know within 6 months to a year max if you have a future with him. It's not as complicated as math...when it's right, you just know.
For the fact that they were both waddling for years and years should have alerted her that something was seriously messed up in this relationship.
Sure, not everyone matures at the same rate, and he might be a great guy and all but not ready to get married yet. I'm not saying bum-rush him to the altar, but a little direction wouldn't go amiss. Remember, most relationship cues are taken from the other person. He's not going to bring it up if you don't because he doesn't want to get rejected or make himself more emotionally vulnerable. Women on the other hand, are used to dealing with emotions and letting it all hang out---and this is one of those instances that you might have to take the lead. You should have had the talk on what your long term plans are within a few weeks of your first year anniversary if not before. That way, you know where you stand in the relationship and where it's headed.
Most relationships crumble within the first year anyway, so if you are celebrating your first anniversary, there is definitely something that is making you two gel together. Once you are 100% positive that he's the One, and he's articulated his ardent love and commitment to you as well, you should be able to articulate something along the lines of, "I would marry you if you asked me." Or even, "I see myself happily married one day." This plants the idea in his mind that you won't reject him if he asked you...and that you see marriage in your future.
Mention it in a serious conversation and then let it rest. Don't make marriage a sore topic between you because that will eventually destroy your relationship. Focus your energies instead on savoring and enjoying your relationship and attaining more depth.
A few months later, drop a few more hints. Some guys do need more prodding and a serious discussion of your desire to settle down with him further puts the idea in his mind. I strongly believe that in 18 months...he already knows whether or not he's going to marry you. That is the ultimate time limit that I advocate, and that's because I feel it's long enough that he knows you well, and yet short enough that if he doesn't want to take the plunge, you don't feel like you've wasted too many years waiting for him.
The only reason that I can see for waiting any longer is if one of you is going through a life crises that needs all your emotions, support and energy to contend with. Anything less than that and he's just stalling you, waiting in the hopes that someone 'better' might come around. If this is the case, then you don't want to be twiddling your thumbs waiting for him for 7 years.
So express your intention to be married but don't make it into an ultimatum or demand. First, express to him how much you love him and how much he means to you. Tell him that you have to stay true to yourself and your desire to be married/settled. Calmly state that you understand his hesitance/issues around marriage and you are willing to work with him on that. At the same time, you have to know if he sees himself married to you and lay down a timeline that you can compromise with. Be sure to let him know that after that, you will have to follow your desires if he hasn't made a firm decision.
After that, stay your sweet self and let things go the way they will. If he's the man for you, he will realise this during the last few weeks you are giving him to think things through that he can't live without you and do everything to keep you. If he doesn't, follow through with your plan and as hard as it's going to be...you have to bid him adieu.
If not, you will be looking back 7 years later wondering why he still hasn't committed. And I will be slapping you upside the head silly and saying I told you so!
Labels: Girl Talk, Marriage, Relationship issues
Posted by Vixen @ 2:26 AM ::
4 trainees letting it rip!
Talk to Me!