Bad Girl's Guide

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

TMI Tuesday

1. Early bird or night owl? Totally a night owl. I have to wake up tomorrow at 530 am to go to a new job training and I'm absolutely dreading anything remotely resembling getting up before the sun!
2. Where was the first place you ever had sex? His place.
3. On a scale of 1-10, how happy are you? (1 is lowest, 10 is highest), right now probably a 9. Vacations in tropical paradises will do wonders for your level of happiness...lol.
4. Are you more submissive or dominant? Depends on my mood. Totally depends on my mood. I do both totally uninhibitedly though.
5. Do you believe in love at first sight? No. I believe in lust at first sight, attraction at first site, but I feel you can't really love someone until you've gotten to know them.

Bonus (as in optional): Describe your bed time habits. What side do you sleep on? What do you usual wear? Any night time rituals? Okay, I should be going to bed right after this so it is...brush my teeth, wrap my hair, throw on a wife-beater and climb into bed. Only night-time ritual is to drink water and have an orgasm before I go to sleep.

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Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Standing by Your Man When He Is Wrong

How do you show your love and support for your significant other when you know he's doing something totally wrong, making a foolish decision or acting immature?

My mom had this down to a science. She wouldn't involve herself in the scene, but moments later would take my dad in private and have a talk with him. This talk would be in a neutral tone, one that gave him a better insight to the fact the he was being a total dick and tips and advice how to improve the situation. (I'm sure she never called him a dick either)

It's hard in the heat of the moment to do this though. Some guys think that loyalty and respect means blindly following wherever they lead. However being that they can be bullheaded and stubborn also means that they can be wrong. It's easy when you are caught up in an argument or situation to take sides that advocate the better outcome for your beloved, but when feelings get in the way it turns into a situation that is less about the issue and more about your trust for each other.

Guys want a 'ride or die' chick. The Bonnie to their Clyde. As fictional as this may seem, for some reason, they actually believe that they want a woman that will stupidly stroke their ego when they are acting stupid and will follow wherever they lead.

Okay, whatever. I love Norio with all my heart but I wouldn't stupidly endanger him or my family in an irrational decision like throwing everything away in a Bonnie moment. Someone has to be the rational party, the logical thinker, the one that picks up the pieces. I would be the woman that holds down the fort while Clyde is serving years in the Penitentiary and then come take him home.

The worse thing to them is feeling that when the whole world is against them, and so is their girl. At the same time, it's hard for us to show blind loyalty when it's obvious that he's making a wrong decision. It's called Women's Intuition for crying out loud, and it's there for a reason! I guess taking him aside is the best solution, but what if you are in the heat of the moment and there is no time to side bar?

What do you do then?

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Tuesday, April 22, 2008

TMI Tuesday



  1. Your boyfriend/girlfriend cheats on you with your best friend, who are you (more) mad at? Oooo, they are both going down. I would be more mad at my boyfriend though since that is who I have a committment with. But my best friend totally gets demoted (if not cut).
  2. Is there something someone could say to you that would cross a boundary of not being able to take back or forgive them? No, not really. I'm a pretty forgiving person. As long as they came back with a contrite spirit and apologized, I could let it go.
  3. What non-sexual body part do you find the sexiest? The neck. I'm totally a neck person.
  4. Would you ever consider cosmetic surgery to have the perfect body? Yes. But only if it was totally painless, complication proof, looked totally natural and didn't need to be refixed. Oh, and if it cost less than $20 buck. Hehehe.
  5. Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex? No...not yet;)
Bonus (as in optional): If you were going to have a one night stand, who would you rather it be with- an ex or someone totally random you just met. Someone totally random. I already know my exes suck in bed.

This is one I would love to hear your responses on. Get your TMI Tuesday.

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Sunday, April 20, 2008

Aloha

Hello darlings,

I'm at the airport this very second heading to Hawaii for the week. Beautiful hot sun! Yes, yes, yes!!! I'm so excited, I've never been to Hawaii before. We are going to be in Kona and Kailua. Sipping on kahlua in kailua, hahaha.

I'm using the new blogger to pre-publish a few posts before I leave so there will be updates, but not as much as you would like. I'll be back with tons of pictures to share.

Stay well and I'll see you all when I get back.

Aloha!!!

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Thursday, April 17, 2008

Why is He With His Mistress?

It's stories like this that make my eyes water and my head feel like it's about to blow up.
Here's my story, I'm an African single mother 27 yrs,my son is 7 yrs old. I have a pretty decent lifestyle; running my own event management business. I've been dating a 38yr old African gentleman (he's married to a white woman) race is only being emphasized because part of my question lies in it.

We've been dating for 3 yrs to date, he's always been supportive in every way....he's helped me greatly to start up the business I'm running right now. He takes care of my family's well being.....but it's never been about sex either, we hardly have it; we talk a lot we have a great friendship. Lately I have made a mental decision to keep myself away from him....why you ask? Because when you rock the boat a little, I feel a man wakes up...I think he tends to get comfortable with me. It's not a bad thing it's just I feel I stop being that special someone to him. He cares about me, although he's not so good when it comes to expressing emotions and stuff so the few times he verbalizes it but I wonder is there something more he's not telling me.

Over the the 3yrs we've been together I have had 2 confrontations with his wife (in which I never & never will confirm the relationship). Everytime she's called me all the vile names under the sun I've just not responded. First because.... I'm not looking to replace her. Secondly getting in I knew he was married and never expected him to leave her. Most importantly, he's never promised me anything along those lines even though there have been well known ruffles in his marriage. I just wanna stay far from the ruffles...and he's aware of that.

Still in these 3yrs I have mentally taken advantage about the various opportunities I have being with him, in turn I have upgraded myself/my family and our life style; I continuously put finances I get from him away for safe keeping...(u know, for my future) its just I actually do regard him as my partner, my man.

So I've kept myself busy for the last month, I guess he feels it because I don't call, text or e-mail like before I've mentally cut down on him, he's tried to arrange for a day out for us and unfortunately...'I've been busy'. I just want him to feel like he really needs me for specific reasons, that have more to do with us and not just his mood.

Look I know I'm his mistress & will continue to be....but I am human and just want some authentic reason why he's down with me the way he is. Do u think it has to do with the interracial marriage, his age, my age, his ego, our culture?
Okay mistress lady, I have to be brutally honest with you on this one. You are breaking the rules of the sisterhood by engaging in relations with a married man. Especially since you knew he was married when you started up with him. Before I get into the whole issue that you present, remember that marriage is a sacred vow between a man and woman and God (or whatever religious being) and you are invading that sacred vow. So you not only have to answer to her but some spiritual deity is waiting to hear your explanation as to why you would knowingly hurt another woman for your own pleasure and financial gain. Be that as it may, I am not judging you because everyone has their own level of morality and scruples, but I am stating that even I, with all my sexual freedom and enlightenment would never tangle with the higher powers.

It's surprisingly shocking to me that you sound actually proud of it. In addition to that you acknowledge that you've used and taken advantage of the situation by upgrading your family. Kudos to you for starting a business that helps take care of your son, but is this really the kind of example that you want to show him? That women use men to get ahead in life?

Jumping off the soap box, I really don't understand what your question is. He's with you because you are giving him something that his wife doesn't. It could be the intrigue, sex, excitement, attention or even someone to talk to. He comes to you when he wants to escape the reality of his existence. Perhaps it's even that you are black and his wife isn't. Maybe he likes that you are both from the same culture. I can't answer that question for him, but whatever it is, it's something that keeps him firmly entrenched at your side despite all the manipulative shenanigans you are pulling.

Reality check honey, you knew what you were getting into when you got involved. You need to stop thinking of him as your man and instead as your sugar daddy. You are a lesson in contradictions. You don't want to be his wife, but you want all the benefits of him being your husband. You want him only in the good times and when you feel like it. You need to understand that whatever his reasons are you are his mistress, so stop wanting to eat your cake and have it. You can't act like you don't want him but worry about his feelings for you. You need to sort through your confused feelings for him and understand that whatever that feeling is, you are still dealing with another man's wife and taking away from another woman's joy. And remember that karma can be a total bitch when she comes around to it.

You are acting like his part time wife, and then throwing a fit because he isn't fitting into your schedule. You are the mistress, the kept woman. You fit into his schedule and not the other way around. If you don't he will find another woman that will and all that money you've been stashing away will be used up pretty soon to pay up the bills. You are at his beck and call, that's what he's ponying up for.

He's getting to eat his cake and have it too. Unfortunately it's women like you that make men think that they can get away with doing whatever they want to with no repercussions for their selfish actions.

My advice is to invest in a real relationship that can truly substantiate your independence, your need to be loved, your womanhood and will be a better example to your child. Because, your son is the reason (or excuse) that you are using to justify your current actions and that is not the right thing to do.

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Tuesday, April 15, 2008

TMI Tuesday



1. Did you have to pay or did you get money back? Both. I paid federal and got back state. I really HATE doing taxes.
2. What was your biggest financial mistake? Probably liquidating my 401K in 2005. I had planned to go to Australia with it. But instead, I ended up in Cali, where I blew it all. I didn't do anything 'tangible' with the money, I just spent it all on shopping and going out. It was a really great year though.
3. Are you a screamer? Hell yeah! I try not to scream, but I end up losing control and doing it anyway.
4. What part of your body, other than your genitals, do you love to have touched? What part of a partner's body, other than their genitals, do you love to touch? I love having my neck touched. And my butt. I love touching his face and his hair. And his chest. And his toes and....pretty much I like touching everything.
Bonus (as in optional): What was the last thing you took without permission? What was the last thing taken from you without your permission? First of all what a retarded question. I took curly fries from the cafeteria, and an apple pie. I did pay for my salad and drink though. Last thing taken without my permission...the sun. I miss the sun. Bring back the sun!

Do your weekly TMI Tuesday.

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Monday, April 14, 2008

When Your Friend Dates His Friend

I got a question from on of my matchmaking readers recently that had set up her coworker with her boyfriend's best friend. The summary is that the 'new' relationship isn't going that well, the best friend and coworker are in a weird funk and he's basically emotionally unavailable while she's acting all desperate pouring attention, money and time his way even though he's showing her that he's not that interested. The coworker is creating drama for the foursome. However, read more for the details.
Anyways, this past weekend I celebrated my birthday dinner by going out with a group of my girlfriends including her. Once at the dinner table she decides to tell me or make a comment about why her "friend" and my boyfriend decided not to come. Little did she know, I already knew why my boyfriend wasn't coming. She then comments that my boyfriends boy told her it was "bourgeous" and that my boyfriend said it was "not worth it". When I talked to my boyfriend a few mins later I jokingly said to him "I heard dinner wasn't worth it". lol. He got HEATED and demanded to talk to her automatically knowing it was her who said it! He was ready to cuss her out for repeating info incorrectly as he said he never made that comment. A few mins later, she gets a call from my boyfriends boy and he BLASTS her by phone in defense of my boyfriend! She was so mad she didn't speak to me for the rest of the evening and even left the table for a good 20mins!

My question is, if this guy is her "boyfriend" or whatnot, why did he call her up and blast her?! Why did she get an attitude, when I told her I wasn't mad, it was my bday and who cares if the guys are mad? Why didn't he come eat with her? How should I handle affairs dealing with my boyfriend, his boy and her? They have been best boys for almost a decade, my boyfriend and I have been together for a year, and she's only been around for 60 days! Who's trippin?
As much as we love to matchmake our single friends, this is a classic example why we shouldn't. After the first date, you should have stayed out of their relationship. Their business is not your business and just because you set them up doesn't mean that you have to be a staple to their relationship. I get that your boyfriend and the guy are friends and that friends talk, but adding your 2 cents and advice is a recipe for drama. It turns into a classic scenario of he said/she said that will always escalate into something else.

This is alot of hype over nothing. Honestly, who gives a shit about your boyfriend's boy and his relationship? You are just putting your nose inside a can of pepper for no reason and this will end up costing you your own relationship if you don't butt out.

From the beginning of your letter, the new chick is significantly younger than your crew. She is 22 and you all are in your thirties right? Even though it's just a few years, she is in a totally different life zone than you all are. Added to that, she's experiencing rejection and all the dramatic feelings that come in with it. Throw in a few double dates where she sees the great relationship you and your boyfriend have and that is just more envious feelings in the mix. This coworker of yours has self esteem issues and relationship issues of her own, but it's not your business. Let her be. I get that you feel that because you are the 'reason' they got together that you are in the mix, but it's not true.

It sounds to me like she is really jealous of the relationship that you three have, she feels threatened by it and she wants to splinter it in some way. She wants her guy to 'pick' her and stand with her, but he's not doing that. She really did escalate the situation far more than it needed to be, however where it stops is with you. She is your coworker, not a close friend and you are investing waaaay too much energy in her relationship. You need to back the fuck up and keep her at arms length.

Adopt a hands off policy. I would totally stop double dating and hanging out as couples. Also I would suggest your boyfriend to clue his buddy into the fact that she's totally into him. His buddy needs to decide if he wants to be with her or not and take a firm stance on it. He's being wishy/washy just going with the flow, and that isn't helping the situation.

With this debacle, you already knew that your boy wasn't going to be there. You have to keep your own happiness and relationship in the foreground because that's really what matters anyway. You didn't need to engage her emotions. However what's done is done. You all can learn from this. Just because you are all friends doesn't mean that you need to be privy to each other's relationship. Establish some firm boundaries and stick to it.

Remember, any relationship or friendship that takes you away from the intimacy and love in your own in not worth having. Take this as a lesson learned, cut the ties and leave the two alone.

Good luck.

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Saturday, April 12, 2008

The Blame Game

Over at Baggage Reclaim, NML and the gang are serving up a thought provoking series called "30 Days of Drama Reduction". I suggest you head over there to read and learn useful tips in staying away from the Mr. Unavailable and all the drama that he brings.

Cheekie wrote a great article the other day that struck a few chords with me. Here is an excerpt.

We only place blame when we cannot deal with or we fear dealing with something.

Doesn’t the adage ‘People treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated’ apply in this case?

When we blame men for the drama, and the bs in relationships, are we not relinquishing a bit of our own power? Are we not saying to the world that ‘Yes, I am willing to sit by this phone and wait forever for some guy who doesn’t want to be with me to call just to let me know that he knows I’m alive’.

Does that seem right to you?

AMEN Cheekie! Please, I urge you to read the rest of this post, it's such a true and honest way of looking at things. We as women need to step up to the plate and stop playing the blame game. It's not about casting blame, we should focus our energies instead in finding solutions and finding greatness, joy and happiness in ourselves. Visit Baggage Reclaim often and please leave comments. We all want to get rid of the baggage and Mr. Unavailables in our lives and find inner peace.

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Monday, April 07, 2008

From Booty Call to Relationship

Here's a letter I got from one my my readers the other day.
Ok, I have been dating this guy for over a year now and our relationship has not progressed to anything serious. When we first started dating I continuously said to him that I didn't want a relationship etc. (Partly because that was how I was feeling at the time and because he was older and of another nationality than me. (I have always loved Africans) but my parents have simply stereotyped them and make jokes which made me pull back from seriously dating him(on what my parents would think).

As time has progressed I have fallen for him and love his sincerity and personality and him. So my question is how do I bring up the conversation of where this is going? Or, have I already burned that opportunity because of my lack of interest during the beginning phases of our friendship. Right now we are just dating - basically we date other people. But we have sex with each other. I don't think we are only friends, probably whatever is slightly above friends we are it. I am 26 and he is 38.

To give you more perspective he used to ask me if I missed him; but I wasn't feeling him at the time so I would hesitate, etc. Now he doesn't say those things anymore. Also, before I said anything I wanted to be sure that I like him for him and not because of the material things he has, but now I am sure that I like him.

Please help,
Miss Forever Confused.
Here's the real deal---at the beginning of the relationship, you set the status quo. He's been your booty call/friends with benefits for a whole year. He got the pussy on lock-down. Perhaps in the beginning, he was really interested in you and was digging for you to be more than just another girl. But you weren't ready for that. He accepted your terms and you eliminated yourself for something serious with your choice. I'm not blaming you for anything, but you can't all of a sudden change the rules of engagement and expect him to fall in line.

Moving to another level is something that is doable, but only if he has feelings for you as well that he's been hiding all year long. Being that he's 38 and African, he is the type of person that knows what he wants. If he wanted you to be his girlfriend or wifey---trust me, you already would be. I think he does like you, but probably not as much as you want him to right now. I don't think you can ever get the respect and admiration that you had in the beginning of the relationship back. On top of that, you've been sleeping with him for close to a year with no commitment. You conducted yourself in a way that showed to him that you wanted to be a notch on his bedpost and not a place in his heart.

I'm sorry to be blunt, but I'm always a great believer in being honest about your desires.

You shouldn't let your family and friends dictate your love life. And if he realized or thought that your reticence had to do with the fact that he's African and your not, well then you definitely beyond a shadow of a doubt cut yourself out the running. I'm African, so the mentality of the great divide is something that I can relate to. Your parents being stereotypical and ignorant are on them---but how you dealt with it, that's on you. You shouldn't have let their ignorance color your mentality of how you see other people and your views on love. You aren't a little girl anymore. If you love Africans, be proud about it. Acting like it's a bad thing or that you were in the wrong for falling in love with an African just gives them the permission to continue acting stupid. Check out the guide to inter-racial dating for future experiences and learn from this one.

Honey, you can graduate from being a booty call to something more, but only if the other party is willing in this arena as well. He might still have those initial feelings, and hopefully he does. But pride is a very big thing and if he felt like you rejected his feelings last year, chances are he dumped them quick. The cards aren't in your favor sweets.

Before you broach the topic however, I would examine how far you want this to go. If you want him just to be your boyfriend, then keep in mind that your family cracking stereotypical jokes and stuff is something that you will have to deal with and get to stop. Your family should not be allowed to disrespect your man. You have to stand up for your man. You have to stand up for yourself and your choices. Also know that you are asking him to put potential drama from your family into his life. So if you don't want to take it all the way, or if you think this might just be a passing crush, I would just let things stay as they are. The closer you two get together, the more burdensome your family will be. (It doesn't sound like they will be able to even picture you married to an African.) So be prepared for the storm.

If you've thought about all this carefully and you still think that your exotic lover is the man for you, then just tell him that you like him pretty much the way you told me. Start with something like "Tunde, I'm really into you and want what we have right now to grow into something deeper. What do you think?"

In the fairy tale, he would tell you that he has much love for you as well and that he wants to be with you in every way possible. He'll tell you that he's had all these tender feelings ever since he laid eyes on you and he was just hoping that your feelings would grow. You two would overcome all the obstacles and live happily ever after.

But life isn't always like the fairytale.

Does anyone have any input to help out Ms. Forever Confused?

Good luck.

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Thursday, April 03, 2008

Got a Question? Ask Away on Baffld.com

There is a new website that I just stumbled upon that people can ask questions anonymously on relationships, post them on the internet and get them answered by pretty much anyone and everyone. It's an open forum community that still maintains your privacy. I've found that people are more comfortable sharing their burning questions online than anywhere else.
It's called Baffld.com, and it's a new kind of love and romance site -- where all the advice comes from the crowd. It’s an open forum where people can interact and give each other advice, vote, or just read other people’s stories. You can see it here:
I've been over there a few times and even set up a profile. The site is very self explanatory and easy to use. All questions are grouped under topics like Big Crush, Cheating, Sex, Dating, Dumped, Marriage, Hot/Not and Other. Each question comes with a poll and the option of stats, you can see how many men/women have voted on your question. You can ask anything from what you want to where on a first date to crucial matters of cheating, heartbreak and break ups. There are fun questions, deep questions, flirty and totally redundant ones as well. There is an option for closing the question once you get enough answers or after a specific length of time has passed.

I still don't get why they dropped the 'e' off baffled, but I guess the other domain must have been taken. I'm not sure how the moderators keep the spammers down or retarded questions at a minimum but somehow they've found a way that works.

So far I've enjoyed using it and figure that alot of you would enjoy it as well. Best of all it's totally free, so you can just head on over to Baffld.com to check it out.

Of course, I LOVE getting your questions on relationships as well, so feel free to email me a question or leave a comment.

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Wednesday, April 02, 2008

Review: Bee Movie

Bzzzz!

In animation, this movie follows the usual plot, seeing life through the eyes of the 'animal' or insect that it's about. It does start off like a remake of the Antz, Happy Feet, Ratatouille family but branches off early on into a distinct brand of blending too much in a plot until the story overwhelms the whole movie. For starters, if you know anything about bees and insects and plants in general, try to suspend your knowledge for the running time of this movie. In fact, the further into the movie you get, the more ludicrous the story becomes in comparison to reality.

Jerry Seinfeld plays a bee torn by angst over his looming--and supposedly permanent--job choice. This choice ultimately leads to unforeseen consequences way beyond the scope of his natural life's plan. Jerry's performance is quite funny, although a bit much for the intended younger audience. Most of the double entendres should fly over the youngsters' heads--hopefully, anyway. Renee Zellweger also turns in a cute performance.

When you start watching the film, you are expected to suspend belief on how bees work. In the movie, it's a given that bees drive cars, wear clothes, use machinery - in essence, the bees are tiny humans.

Humans have never noticed what the bees are doing, and despite the fact that both bees and humans speak English, there's been no, and I mean NO communication between the two species ever, before the events in this movie. The reason for this - it's an unspoken law that bees should not talk to humans, and humans are apparently too stupid to notice the strange habits of the bees. Okay, that's stretching it and the whole 'unspoken rule' thing is becoming very hackneyed, but I can buy that for the sake of enjoying the film. And what's up with the florist falling in love with the bee....ummmm hello? Did someone even review this script?

The animation and graphics were really cool. There are alot of off-the-wall Jerry Seinfield type jokes (the majority not that funny), and lots of cameos (well voice cameos) of different celebs but even that wasn't enough to save the drowning plot. At least we knew they have fun making it and don't take themselves too seriously.

The kids loved this movie, but for me, it wasn't as good as Shrek or any other animation that I've seen in a while. Check it out if you want to laugh at the ridiculousness of the plot while the kids fall enthralled in the story. Just be sure to have a sit down with them to explain the basics of real life vs. Bee Movie life, just to keep your kids grounded.

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Tuesday, April 01, 2008

TMI Tuesday



1. How are your March Madness picks doing? or What is your favorite event? Ummm, you must not have gotten the memo---I'm a girly girl. Girly girls like me don't do sports. I don't even know what March Madness is.
2. What is the best April Fool's joke - EVER? One of my coworkers filled a urine specimen cup with apple juice, then took it to the nurses station and stated that back in the old days, nurses used to tell if a patient had diabetes by how their urine tasted. He then opened the specimen cup and drank the urine! Half of us totally freaked and stared at him in abject horror, whilst he took another calm sip. I was dying with laughter watching everyone's face at his drinking the 'urine'. It's still the best Aprils Fool joke ever, and this is 7 years after it happened.
3. Valentine's Day - bogus holiday or romantic holiday? Totally bogus. It's a vapid Hallmark day as far as I'm concerned. I mean, why would I want to celebrate my love on the day that some priest was executed? How romantic is that?
4. If you made any New Year's Resolutions have you broken them yet? or What have you done lately to make yourself a better person? Of course I broke my resolutions, aren't they meant to be broken? I didn't even bother making that many this year, just a couple which I then proceeded to break the very next week. In fact, when I stated I would 'shop less, save more', I think I meant that as a future goal, like in 2010 or something.
5. If you believe in 'regret', what is your biggest regret? If you don't believe in 'regret', what do you call 'errors in judgment' or 'missed opportunities' in your philosophy of life? Here is my take on regrets. Most of my missed opportunities, I took full advantage of when they came around next. I call 'errors in judgement' being stupid or idiotic. Another 'duh' or 'uh-oh' moment.

Bonus (as in optional): Tell us about four things about yourself, one of which isn't true.
  • My blog persona is totally different from my persona in real life
  • I'm an old married woman
  • I miss Nigeria and I can't wait to go back
  • I totally cashed in on sex before

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