Bad Girl's Guide

Friday, May 30, 2008

When You Are Too Young to Be a Step Mom

I asked for questions...and boy did I get some questions. Alright, this is probably going to take me a while to get through all of them, so if your question is super urgent, please email that to me that it is so I can address it first. Here is the first one I got a couple of days ago.

I'm a 21 year old college student who recently got out of a 2.5 year relationship. I'm out there enjoying the single life, and thankfully I know just what I want in a guy and what is a dealbreaker. (And, of course, I keep my booty call in check! :P ) Here's my question - I recently met a guy that I'm starting to feel strongly for. He's got everything I like in a man - intelligent, funny, great looking, steady job, the works. There's just one problem. He's older than me - 33 - and this does not bother me one little bit (I've always dated older guys and I've never heard that I was "too young" for any of them), but what does make me nervous is that he has a 10 year old daughter. Kids aren't a dealbreaker for me either (a concern, but not an absolute can't-do-it), but there's just something about the fact that I'm closer to HER age than HIS, know what I mean?I'm trying to put my thoughts together about it, but I was hoping you'd have some insight into a weird situation. I'll admit, I really like this guy and I secretly hope you'll tell me this isn't going to be a big deal.
Do you want the truth or do you want the sugarcoated version? You have to follow your intuition, and your sixth sense is telling you that this is going to be a big deal. I'm not as worried of the 10 year gap between you and Daddy dearest, because you are going into this with your eye's wide open. You've dated older men before, so you know the pitfalls and hurdles that you are going to cross.

However, when you add a child into the mix things start to get dicey. If the relationship works out and you end up with this guy for several years, then you will have a larger responsibility towards his offspring than you do now.

You have to walk into these kind of relationships with the understanding that you are possibly going to be her step mother and that you will be in your late 20's when she hits the terrible teens. Can you handle that kind of responsiblity? Because this decision is more and more about the child and less and less about you. How much of your life have you fully experienced before taking on this monumental role? What kind of advice can you give her? What have you accomplished for yourself? Do you even know yourself and have you grown to your own potential? These are questions you need to ask before you can even think of taking on such a huge role in her life.

Don't get it twisted, you aren't signing up to be her mom. She already has a mother. Your role will be more like a cool aunt than anything, but what are you going to do when she backtalks you, disrespects you, monopolizes time with Daddy dearest or trashes your stuff? It's going to be like having a little sister around, except this sister you can't beat the shizz out of when she gets on your nerves.

Getting involved with single parents isn't the same as getting in a relationship with someone without kids. It's a whole another level of communication and patience that you will need to deal with all the hurdles that it involves. The dynamics of the relationship are different---you aren't going to be number 1, his child will always come first, and you will have to sacrifice alot more than you realize. There is also the issues with baby mama drama (if he has any). It's alot to sign up for and I'm not sure if at 22 you are experienced enough to handle all the problems that will arise.

At the same time, I'm an advocate for following your heart. So if you feel in your heart that this is the right guy for you, and you think that he's worth all the stress, angst and drama you are going to go through, then by all means stand up for your man. Word of warning, it's going to be hard---really, really hard. Personally, I would cut my losses and back out. Remaining friends and being a supportive "adult figure" in the child's life is better and more permanent than being just another girl that fucks her father and makes women in relationships look bad.

Talk to your significant other. I don't know how long you two have been together, so this line of thought might even be premature, but if you think that you want to have something longterm wtih this guy, you are going to have to confide your fears to him to see what he thinks. For all you know, he might not even want you to interact with his child at all until the relationship is more solidified.

Listen to your intuition. It's not steering you wrong. Good luck.

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Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Question?

I feel like I've hit a brick wall. I don't know what to write about anymore. I don't know if it's a seasonal thing, but I'm unable to even come up with a good topic. All I have are paragraphs trending off to nowhere.

So, help a sista out. Send in your questions, from the heartbreaking to the mundane. Hopefully that will get some flow going.

Email me at vixentales at gmail.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

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Tuesday, May 20, 2008

TMI Tuesday

1. How many credit cards do you own? Too many. LOL...I only have 3 credit cards and 2 store cards. Are they paid off? I'm working on paying off my SEARscard, already paid off my CapitalOne...working on that payoff plan.
2. Can you be in love with someone you don't trust? It's possible, but I wouldn't want to be.
3. Should prostitution be legal? Yeah. Then it wouldn't be such a dark pathway and wouldn't look so glamorous. Pot should be legal too.
4. On a scale of 1-10, how good of a lover do you think you are? (1 is lowest, 10 is highest) It depends on my mood. On a lazy day when I just wanna sit back and rake in my orgasms, I'll probably be a 5. But when Vixen is in the house, plug me into a solid 10, aka the best you've ever had.
5. What are three mistakes someone could make on the first date with you that would automatically make you turn down a second date with them? Calling me by a pet name like babe, baby, or shorty. I don't know you like that so be smart and use my own name! OUT! Coming off snobby, pretentious, or braggadocious. Having body odor. Errrrr, that's such a turn off. I wouldn't even finish the date if he stank.

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Monday, May 19, 2008

What's Up?

Okay, remember that whole 30 days of blog posts thingey...we'll being that I didn't write 30 posts before I had a really bad sickle cell attack last week, that idea went out the window. Anyway, I'm better, back and thankfully didn't go into the light.

Now we return to your regularly scheduled programming.

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Monday, May 12, 2008

Heartbreak...

I came across this blog post from Serena Williams a few months ago. Every woman that has ever been in love can totally relate to this.


You just start dating a guy. He likes you, you like him. You guys want to spend every second together. When you are not with him you are talking to him on the phone. You have deep feelings for him. The feelings keep developing. They keep growing. You begin to think this could be it. You begin to think I really think this is it for me….. You love being together. You can't stand being without each other. You start to feel like you have never felt before, and you do things for him you have never done before. He tells you he doesn’t want to be with you and only you. He tells you he adores you. He tells you u guys were meant for each other. You care for him. You are falling for him. You take things slow. You don't want to make any mistakes. You go slower with him than you have ever done before. You don't rush to introduce him to your friends, let alone anyone else. You want it to be right. You are feeling this and you feel this could mean something. He communicates with you. He thanks God you are in his life. You guys have fun together. You laugh together.

He talks about being and becoming serious with you. He talks about his desire to love you one day. He talks about he can't imagine not being with you. You think he's falling in love with you. But you can't be 100% sure. You guys have not said that sacred 4 letter word that starts with an "L". But you feel it deep deep in you. Deeper than you have in a long time.

You ask him "are we moving too fast"? He replies "We are just following our hearts." You start to trust him. Something you have not done since your first heart break. How long ago was that? You wonder. Trust is something you vowed you would never do again. But slowly your heart comes out of its steel enclosure. You feel like you can trust him. You feel as if everything you went though was for a reason. And the reason was to meet him. Days turns into weeks. And he tells you about the connection you guys have in each others hearts.

Weeks turns into months and you slowly start to wean the other guys in your life out. And than it happens. No not the "L" word. But what you have been most afraid of. What deep in your heart you have been afraid to confront. What you always suspected would happen one day sooner or later. HE STOPS CALLING. You panic. But you try to stay calm. He did this before when you first started talking, but u tried to forget it. You knew u should have not forgotten. But u tried to ignore it. He disappears for a week with no phone call. No answer to yours no nothing. Finally you hear from him. You want to rage you want to scream you want to cry. But you can't help you heart from feeling a tad bit happy."

"As you begin to ask him what happened he stops you. He says "I need space". You cringe at these words. This is the very reason you begin to think why your heart was in that steel enclosure. The reason you don't put your emotions your feelings, your heart into it. Because one day it always turns in to this day. But you are already too far out you are at the point of no return, you can't come back. You can't believe, although a piece of you does believe it. Space. How many time have you heard this before? Space? Weren't you giving him enough? Space. Hmmm you laugh because its so ridiculous. You laugh because again you knew this day would come. Why did you not listen to that little voice inside your head telling you to "watch out and be careful". You laugh only because tears won't come.

You know its not you, but you cant help but look at that man in the mirror. You can't help but pick yourself apart. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? And again and again you can't come up with the answer. Slowly as you try to focus on other things and think of other people you put you heart back into that steel case.

Tears finally come and they make you feel a little better, but the pain is piercing through your soul. The pain never hurts as bad as the first time. . But all the same you can't help but feel hopeless, foolish. Your great chance to be with your soul mate has again somehow slipped and failed.

But eventually you know you will pick yourself up. Eventually you know you will try again. And eventually you know you will find the keys to you heart, but also in the back of your mind you think…. Will it happen again.""

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Sunday, May 11, 2008

The A-Z of Men

NML wrote this really great post last year that I totally missed reading until recently. It's the modern day woman's guide to men, going from A all the way to Z. Several of these I've had the *pleasure* of meeting---as I'm sure many of us have. The worst combo is when they have several of these traits all in one. This is one of the most absolutely brilliant posts that NML has written and I just had to share it with you. Please click HERE to read the full list and feel free to share with all your friends so they know the 26 types to stay away from.

A is for Mr Aggressive, the man that just can’t keep his temper or approaches everything as if it’s a battle. He fights dirty with the guys and he’ll fight dirty with you, so be careful of his insults, degradation and possible physical abuse that ‘you’ caused him to do because you ‘made’ him get angry.

B is for Mr Babyfather, the guy that just can’t stop making babies, often with several different women. An irresponsible fuckwit with a fear of rubber, don’t be one of those women that’s foolish enough to believe that with you he can be different.

C is for Mr Control Freak, the guy who thinks that he knows best. Any attempts to resist his controlling and you’ll be accused of being ungrateful. Next thing you know, you have no friends or different friends, you don’t see your family, don’t leave the house, have changed your appearance and become a simpering shadow of your former self. He’s extremely dangerous and to be avoided, especially if he combines his behaviour with Mr Aggressive traits.

D is for Mr Drunk, Drugged, or Disorderly, the man who initially seems sexy and exciting when he’s drunk, high as a kite or a mixture of the two and trouble making, but soon becomes tedious like Mr Irresponsible (below). Pete Doherty may be good enough for Kate Moss, but this is definitely one trend that you shouldn’t follow. Remember that D is also for dipsticks…

E is for Mr Egotistical, the man whose body is made of 25% water and the remainder an inflated ego. He talks incessantly about himself and he may suffer from Short Man Syndrome, Small Penis Syndrome, Lots of Money and Not Much Else Syndrome, Big Dick and Not Much Else Syndrome etc, and compensates for these by being loud, rude, full of sh*t, or flashing a fast car or his money.

F is for Mr Fraudulent F*cker, the guy that uses his charms to disarm you or deceive you. He’s good at getting the knickers down, convincing you that the girl who says that they’re seeing each other is a psycho, cheating and getting away with it, or causing you to end up parting with your worldly goods. Don’t be surprised if he is a criminal and never leave your handbag unattended. Also known as a playa or Mr Hustler (see below)

Read the rest HERE.

So lets play a little game. Scan through the list and pick the ones that best represent your last three exes. See if there is a pattern emerging that you can break and stop messing with the wrong types of men.

Ex 1: Mr. Persistent, Mr Grand Gestures and Mr. Mother Lover, Mr. X-Rated
Ex 2: Mr. Yo Yo, Mr. Unvailable,
Ex 2: Mr Control Freak, Mr. Worthless, Mr. Mother Lover, Mr. Oh No You Didn't, Mr Aggressive, Mr. Irresponsible.

Hmmm, no pattern. So pretty much I just dabbled in all kinds of murky waters.

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Saturday, May 10, 2008

Baby Mama Drama part 4: Are all Her Kids Yours too?

Say your man's baby mama has a brood of several children, but only one for your man. Should you automatically extend yourself to all her other kids just because she's his baby mama? Should you invite her other children out when you take yours out? What is the etiquette around this anyway?

This is one of those questions that I have a hard time answering because it's so subjective. There are alot of factors that weigh into the decision. Personally I don't do kids, much less 2 or 3 or more. So having a bunch of brats kiddies over at my crib is so not happening.

The relationship that your man has with his baby mama factors in as well. If he's cool with her, then it might be a possibility. If she's a crazy psycho baby mama, stay the hell away from that drama.

Here's what I think. For birthday parties invite her kids. Anything else---count them out unless your man specifically wants them along. Remember that you are both responsible for her kids when they are in your custody, so if anything goes wrong you can be held liable. And trust me, when the kids are running amok at the supermarket and you tell them to be quiet and they say, "You are not my mommy," you will be tempted to deck them and wipe that smirk off their face. But you can't and have to restrain yourself gritting your teeth.

At least you know with your guy he can open a can of discipline if needs be, but heaven knows how the other kids act in public. Personally I would stay away from that palavar. So to the answer to your question---if her kids are all yours too, the answer is no. You don't owe her anything more than loving the one (or 2) kids she has with your man.

And this is reason #294 why most women stay away from a man with baby drama.

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Friday, May 09, 2008

When the Media Lies About Your Blog

We all know that the media is so slanted nowadays in their opinions of people, places and events. It's never quite hit home to me, how one person's lies can really jeopardize the very foundation of a blog until I zipped over to NML's blog and found out that the Daily Mail had sensationalized and twisted up alot of the facts about her blog. Read the full scoop on what happened here.

Having known NML in the blogosphere for almost 5 years now, worked with her on Baggage Reclaim, read avidly her other blogs like Bambino Goodies and the Mr. Unavailable Guide, it's such a surprise to see the depths that the reporter took the story of her blog. It's not like she was the Breakup Babe, who was chronicling the events of her breakup online---no! NML rarely talked about her relationships on her blog. So why is she being set up as the stage blog for "E-venge"? You would think that the 'interviewer' and I use this term loosely because barely any interviewing was done, would have stuck to the facts, the facts make a good story as is. Grrrrr!

The Daily Mail sucks! Instead of issuing an apology, they shut down the comments section of the article online so that noone else could point out how foolish and inaccurate the article was. As if!!!

Please go over to Tired of Men to show some love and support for a sista that getting all kinds of dirt thrown on her over someone else's foolishness. And for those of you getting interviewed in the future, please be careful what you say and don't trust those 'journalists'. You have to look out for yourself.

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Thursday, May 08, 2008

Unrequited Love

I've had a few crushes in my day, and even felt the scourge of unrequited love. Ooooo, the quagmire that is unrequited love. It's such a deep one, a hole that you aren't sure how you got into and know that it's going to be hell to get out of.

It might start innocuously, perhaps you two were just friends, or maybe he even had a girlfriend when you met him. But with a deft hand of Fate you start catching feelings for him, and this is where things start to get dicey.

For starters, guys totally love it when we are all googoogaga over them. Especially your average guy that doesn't get all this attention in the first place. He's flattered by the attention, his ego is stroked on a constant basis and trust me---he does see your antics and seduction techniques. He might act like he doesn't notice, but he actually does but doesn't want to say anything because it might be an uncomfortable scenario or he doesn't know what to say. So he says nothing and lets you continue in your quest to claim his heart.

Being that I'm a big believer in the school of thought that makes me want to be the pursued instead of the pursuer, there is no way that I can even advocate the pursuit. See when you do the chasing, you reverse gender roles and effectively shift the dynamics of the relationship. Sure, it's thrilling and out of the ordinary for them to get asked out and he might say yes just because he's a nice guy, but wouldn't you wonder if he would have asked you out if you hadn't thrown yourself at him? Would you want some guy to agree to date you out of pity?

Another thing I hate about unrequited love we end up making fools of ourselves in the name of love. There are things that I have done and have seen my friends do that to the normal Bad Girl screams desperation and low self-esteem. You might think that you are fighting for your chance at love, but the locker room story is that you are the desperate, clingy chick accepting crumbs of attention from him. 'Nuff said.

And even worse, is standing by waiting in the wings for him to notice you, while he's off dating someone else. Won't that twist a knife in your heart every single time you see the happy couple together?

If you are already in love with a guy that isn't yours or giving you the time or day, please take a step back and analyze the situation. Cut that drama out of your life asap. It's just a recipe for disaster. And just because there is that one story of unrequited love gone right doesn't mean that it will happen to you too. The man that is right for you will be the one chasing you.

Sometimes we are so busy pursuing someone else that we don't even notice the man that is falling in love with you.

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Wednesday, May 07, 2008

On Being the Perfect Girlfriend/Boyfriend

Years ago I had a boyfriend that fit the classic role of every single romanticized version of 'boyfriend' that a girl could think of. He was attentive, brought gifts, showered praises and compliments, listened and let me orgasm first. I was so caught up in the new stages of the relationship that it took several months for me to figure out that something was 'off'.

See my intuition was screaming that there was something wrong with this guy, that there was a mask that he wore around me and that he wasn't his true self. It took a lot of reflection for me to look past the romantic walks on the beach and flowers to even see that he was pretending. And when I peeled back the layers, I saw more than he was letting on. Sure he did like me, but he was also caught up in performing a role that he left out the part about being himself. His real self was still in love with his ex-fiancee and 'forcing himself' to move on because he felt that he should. *Cue rebound girl music*

I used to be so caught up in being the 'perfect girlfriend' that I didn't realise until much later that I wasn't being myself. I was being the image of the girlfriend that I thought my exes wanted denying my true identity and morphing into a Barbie prototype girlfriend. This of course had to backfire a few times before I realised what the problem was.

Every relationship is unique because it's two different people with different personalities connecting and trying to keep their identities intact yet meshed. It's also a power struggle because as humans we like to exert our superiority over others---even people we profess to care about and love.

The beauty of a mature relationship is that both partners are over the honeymoon phase, and still fully committed to each other. It's like you let your hair down, can use the bathroom at his house and both of you let your feelings fly without coating anything with saccharine sweetness. You both can honestly let your emotions out about anything and everything under the sun and having an argument doesn't break the relationship---it just makes it stronger.

Alot of people are afraid to drop the act and step out of the comfort zone, but once you let those shields down and let your true self out to play, then you are telling him/her that you trust them and in their ability to love you just the way you are.

And isn't that what you want anyway? To be loved for who you are and not the mask you are protraying?

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Tuesday, May 06, 2008

TMI Tuesday

1. Pancakes or waffles? With or without toppings? Pancakes please. No toppings. I have simple tastes and all that whipped cream, berries and froufrou is just way too much going on for me!

2. They say, "Way to a man's heart is through his stomach." What is the way to your heart? The way to my heart is through my head. I love getting mind fucked. There is something totally intriguing about a battle of wit and words. Intelligence is a HUGE turn on.

3. Have you ever gone to a topless/clothing optional beach? If yes, did you participate? No, not yet, but I do plan to. And I will be participating. I love walking around naked! Get my inner nudist on!

4. What song reminds you of a previous relationship (for good or bad)? Since You've Been Gone is my 2nd relationship, Irreplaceable is my 3rd.

5. When, where and with who was your best kiss ever? Norio, last year on the day we got engaged. We must have made out for hours.

Bonus (as in optional): Does anyone not currently in a relationship with you have pictures or you or your body part(s) that you would prefer that other people not see? Hell no! I plan to be rich and famous one day, I can't have someone releasing XXX photos of me to the tabloids.

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Monday, May 05, 2008

Love At First Sight

Do you believe in love at first sight? Have you experienced it – and was it “the real thing” or lust?

After last week's TMI, I got an email from a reader that was utterly surprised that I don't believe in love at first sight.

This belief I had when I was in my teens, but somewhere between my first heartbreak and my last, I realistically came to the conclusion that there isn't such thing as love at first sight. It's a romanticized Hollywood media version of what love could be but not the pragmatic view of what love really is. How can you claim to love a person when you don't even know a thing about them?

I'm sure there are numerous stories of people that claim 'love at first sight', but when questioning them on what they loved about the other person, they would respond and say it was a physical attribute or the way they moved. That's not love darling, that's attraction. Attraction occurs in the first 3 seconds of meeting someone. It's this attraction that prompts you to go over and talk to them and try to get to know them. Attraction is instinctual and can be deep, often mixed with feelings of eros, desire and passion. However attraction is not love. Love is too great and grand to be simply just one dimensional like that.

To fall in love is not just a delight of the eyes, it's a connection of the spirit, a conflagration of all your inner psyche meshing to cry out that you love. It's a feeling that starts off so tiny you barely recognize it and then grows daily and the more time you spend with the person. We fall in love with each other's characters, with our personalities and with the people we see them as.

So how about you? Do you believe in love at first sight?

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Sunday, May 04, 2008

30 Days of Daily Posts

In honor of the month of this blog's birth, I'm going to do thirty days of daily posting. Thankfully Blogger now has a draft feature so I can pre-publish before going to work. If you would like a question answered, now is the time that you'll most probably get the quickest reply. Email me at vixentales at gmail with your questions.

In addition this is my 500th post. It's like a uber big blog party. Never thought that this little corner would last so long. Anyway, email me with your questions please:)

Let's begin.

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Saturday, May 03, 2008

Happy Birthday!!

Three years ago to this date, I had come from dinner with my girlfriends. We talked about alot of things that evening, but the main theme was dating, relationships and men. My sister called me telling me that her first date ever was on Saturday and she asked me a whole bunch of questions. I got home, started thinking and decided to put my thoughts, ideas and experiences about dating, men and relationships all down in one place. And the Bad Girls Guide was born.

I'd like to thank all my readers, all the haters, and especially my darling commenters who have kept up with the changes, growth and experiences on this blog. Thanks to everyone that helped me with the html, surveys and figuring out this blogging thing. Thanks for the encouragement, participation and questions that have allowed this blog to grow into more than just a lone soul blogging online but a community of women learning, sharing and talking with each other.

I know that personally I've gone through alot of challenges in the three years as we all have, but thanks to everyone that has stuck through all of them and those wonderful women that we've picked up along the way. I've found really good friends, bloggettes and women that I'm proud to call sisters.

Happy Birthday to the Bad Girls' Guide. Now I present the very first post.

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