Sunday, July 29, 2007
Baby Mama Drama: When You Abhor His Kid
Question: I have been with my man for a year and a half. He has two children with two different women. He is without a doubt "the one". The first baby mama & I have no issues, she has a 10 year old for my guy that we see regularly. The second woman however was a "booty call" gone wrong. For some reason I absolutely cannot stand the fact that he has a child with this person. She has tried to get with him a few times in the past (before I was around) but he has always turned her down. Their child is 4 years old. My man does not even see this woman, he picks the child up from school when its his turn to have him and then drops him off back at school when he goes back to his mom. I do not have a problem with the older child but for some reason when I even look at the younger child I feel nothing but disgust. And to make matters worst he is a complete mama's boy! He does nothing but cry for his mom and I am definitely the last person who wants to hear that. I have tried countless times to find healing about this. I have prayed and prayed and prayed. Nothing seems to put my heart at ease. I'm not sure what to do at this point. Leaving my man is not an option and plan on marrying next summer. If anyone has any suggestions please help. I am coming to the conclusion that this is going to be one area of my life that I just be completely unhappy with. My man tries everything to make me feel better and put my heart at ease but nothing seems to work. What is wrong with me?
Yowza. I don't even know how to get into this. So you like the older child, but not the younger? As much as you love your guy, I think you do have a deep resentment towards the fact that he got booty call chick knocked up. That resentment naturally spills over to Booty Mama and her child. However you have to remember that in this whole scenario...the Children are Innocent.
You are stuck with her and the kid for the next 12 years, unless your man decides to abscond and become a deadbeat, which I highly doubt will happen. So if you plan to marry this guy, remember that you are promising to be with him through all his baggage, and this does include baby mamas and their dramas.
I think that the little boy senses your resentment towards him on an instinctual level. Children are very good at picking up on what isn't said, and I think that he does feel that he is unloved and unwanted at your house, that's why he's crying and carrying on...he wants attention. He's probably the only child at his house with his mom and is spoiled rotten, and then he comes to a scenario where another child is in the mix. You have rapport with the 10 year old, and he senses that, feels that it's not the same chemistry with you and him, and so internalizes feelings about it. What comes out to you is that he's a spoiled cry baby, when in fact he is reacting to you. I would hate coming to your house if you treated me like the unwanted stepchild.
Abhor the baby mama all you want, but don't take it out on the kid! Ignoring him isn't the solution, as you can see, it hasn't been working so far. My advice would be to develop a relationship with him, separate from your man...just the 2 of you. It goes along the lines of catching bees with honey. He has to feel comfortable and secure around you and I think that his tears also stem to the fact that he's afraid of you. Stop being the big bad wolf and play nice, take him out somewhere, get him some ice cream and show him some affection. It might be hard at first, but remember, this is your future husband's son. How would you want someone to treat your child?
Kids trust easily, so just be nice to him, treat him once in a while and show that you actually do care for him. Do things for him that his mom won't or can't do, like video games etc. Remember, your place isn't to discipline him, just spend time with him, have fun and watch the 2 days fly by.
Save your animosity, dark feelings and bitterness for the privacy of your boudoir. Whatever aggravations the baby mama's/children cause you should be communicated to your man and no one else. He has to create a new family unit with you, your kids and his kids. It has to be one big happy family, even if it's only every other weekend.
Suggest a visit to the park, amusement park, circus etc. It's summer so there are a ton of events out there. By the time you guys get home that evening, the kids will be tuckered out and ready for bed. Make your house the fun place, where the kids actually want to come to not only to hang out with their dad, but to also spend time with you. It takes a little planning and alot of accommodation. Remember that in situations like this, you are the adult, therefore you should act like one, take the reins and steer the relationship in the way you want it to go.
Does anyone else have any tips?
Labels: Ask Vixen, Baby Mama Drama
Posted by Vixen @ 7:10 PM ::
8 trainees letting it rip!
Talk to Me!