Thursday, January 01, 2009

Part 4, Vixen's Turn

Okay, we're almost done with our 4 part interview series with Ian Coburn, the funny and ever insightful author of God is a Woman, Lunch is Not a Date and frequent column writer on Double Viking and Bachelor Guy. If you get a moment, read his book...it truly lets you see the other side of this dating thing...~the side that most women/men think they know but have no idea about!

If you're just joining us, check out part one, two and three of the interview here. My questions/responses are in bold.

19. Do you think women give off mixed signals? What can a woman do to get what she wants from a guy she wants to be with (or is with)?

Absolutely! I never used to get that but once you realize that a woman’s actions speak louder than her words, it’s not an issue. Nice guys finish last because they accept what a woman says as absolute law and don’t heed her actions. If a woman’s actions don’t match her words, her actions speak the truth. I don’t blame women for giving off mixed signals; they just consider a lot more factors than we men when it comes to dating decisions. What happens between a man and a woman from a guy’s perspective are between the man and the woman; from a woman’s perspective what happens is between the woman, the man, all her friends, her mom, Oprah… It’s ridiculous.

If you want something from a guy, simply be direct. You communicate through your actions; we don’t. So, most of us fail to read your signals. How can you keep calling us “clueless” because we can’t read your signals and yet continue to use these signals to attempt to communicate?

LMAO! You mean you don't get the clues?? How clueless!

20. Do you think men all get stereotyped or lumped in one category? How does a Good guy rise above the Assclown group?

No, I don’t, barring that all of us just want sex. Women and society realize there are nice guys, bad boys, etc. I love this “assclown-“thing; never heard that before. To be a good guy, all you have to do is backup what you say and remove the woman from the dating status quo. One of the best compliments I get from women right from the first date is: “You do things so differently than other guys. I don’t know what to make of it but I like it and I forget myself when I’m with you, sometimes.” That’s what you’re going for—you want her to forget herself and all the stupid “rules” of dating..

21. Why do men date if they are emotionally unavailable? Can't you just say you want sex and not try to get us emotionally twisted on you?

Actually, most men do tell you that they just want sex but you’re not listening; you’re too busy “reading.” Stop it! Tons of women, friends and readers, tell me about guys they meet who tell them they don’t want to date anyone, then later ask for their number. The women give it to them. The guy calls, they have some dinners, yada yada yada, they end up sleeping together a few times, then the guy splits when the women start to ask, “Where is this going?” If a guy tells you he is not interested in dating anyone, then later asks for your digits, you think you are changing his mind because you are just so wonderful and then you think he wants to date you as he calls and gets with you. You are reading his actions; we don’t communicate via actions. When our words and actions don’t line-up, heed our words. When you give a guy your number who told you he didn’t want to date, you just told him you were okay with hooking up, in his mind. If a guy says this and later asks for your number, decline. It’s that simple.

Wow...you do break it down. I wish I'd spoken to you years ago---I could have saved myself a few heartbreaks.

22. What is the most callous thing a woman has ever done to you?

I tell this story in the book: A woman (friend, too) who knew I was crazy about her once misled me to believe she felt the same way about me. Truthfully, she was just jealous because another woman was interested in me and we were hitting it off. She suddenly made out with me and at the end of the night she led me away from the other woman and then became a complete cold fish when we got back to my place. Worse, she acted like nothing had happened for weeks, even though I kept wanting to discuss it.

Ah...a cockblocker with the Queen Bee complex. Very high school.

23. What is the most callous thing you've ever done to a woman?

Have sex with her on someone’s front lawn by Wrigley Field… after a Cubs night game, while tons of fans walked by, ogling and cheering at us.

OMG! I can't believe you did that! I wouldn't have minded, but I'm sure she was motrified!

24. It's been said that "Women need love to have sex, and that men need sex to feel love." How does one cross the divide? Can a man love without sex?

Really, who comes up with this crap? That statement is utterly ridiculous and completely wrong. I’d say it was just wrong for our time but I’d be wrong. Plenty of nice guys love without sex. Ever read The Sun also Rises by Hemingway? The entire story centers around a guy who loves a woman who also loves him. He can’t have sex, though, due to an injury in WWI and she is a nymphomaniac. So they spend the days together, futzing around Europe, all lovey-dovey. The guy then finds a man in each new town they visit for her to sleep with repeatedly while they remain in that town. So, the guy loves without sex and the woman loves but needs her sex. And it was written in the 1920’s; so much for the crappy statement above. (The plot is a really good example of why I don’t like Hemingway, by the way, or most of the realists, for that matter.)

Awwww, that's such a sweet story, I have to read it!

Thanks for the great interview Ian. I learned alot and I'm sure the other Bad Girls did too. Good luck with your book...looks like you are getting published in Russia...cool! Next stop NYTBS!

Thanks again for having me, Vixen. These were great questions and it felt good answering them. I hope your fans will check out The New Way to Date ; it really gives you fresh insight and makes dating fun, again!
Posted by Vixen @ 1:27 AM :: 1 trainees letting it rip!

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