Monday, December 29, 2008

Questioning Ian, part 1

Okay everyone, you know I couldn't let Ian go without grilling him some hard questions, especially after the hot seat he gave me last week. For those of you just tuning in, Ian Coburn is the witty comedian/blogger/author who wrote God is a Woman and blogs on Lunch Is Not a Date as well as as several weekly columns both online and in print. Seriously...read that book, catchy title aside, it's truly a book that lets you understand the dating perspective from the male paradigm, and gives us gals a reality check. SAY WHAT YOU WANT and stop being fake.

His answers are in bold, mine in regular font:

1. What is the big deal with men and porn?

I researched this heavily by watching hours of Internet porn to give you the most honest answer possible… I actually have no interest in porn; I’m not a watcher, I’m a doer. Before GOD came out, I had no idea why single guys get into porn. After its release, though, I began getting questions about dating and quickly realized why: Many guys are unhappy in their sex lives— not getting any or with someone they really don’t like. (It’s amazing how many people settle, especially guys, who will often nail anything, claiming, “It all feels the same.”) To test this out, I once deprived myself of a sex act I really enjoy while dating someone—no blowjobs. Sure enough, even though we were having sex regularly, after two months, I found myself perusing teaser videos (meant to get you to sign up for porn sites) of women giving head.

Guys in long-term relationships, married or otherwise, get into porn for the variety. It’s a safe way to fantasize about other women. (Sorry, but we really are built to crave different types of women.) When in long-term relations, I don’t have this problem because I have very open communications with the woman. So, we engage in some role-playing at times and do what the other person craves, meaning we act out the fantasy, so no need to watch it.


Hmmm, so the reasoning behind porn is that it's a natural male instinct to crave variety? Are you saying that it's impossible for a man to be strictly monogamous in his head? Perhaps we've been holding you to a ridiculously high expectation---oh wait, it's the same one you have been holding us to! Truthfully us girls crave variety as well, but if we even lean in multiple directions we are instantly branded as a slut. (To all my freaky sluts, check out For the Girls)...Yummy. Pretty much, if a girl wants to get her guy off the porn site and into the bedroom, she just has to be open to his fantasies and role-playing? I kinda figured that one out...but thanks!

2. If you were in a relationship, would you still masturbate?

Would? Do! This might change if I lived with someone, which I never have, but I suspect I still would from time to time. Let’s face it; sometimes you want it and your partner’s not around or “has a headache.” For me, I had so many “almosts” with women until my mid-twenties, that I sometimes find myself imagining “what if” with one of those women, and that’s something you do in alone time.


I'm a big advocate of self-love. So I totally agree with you on this one.

3. Do you think a man that asks his lover to rank/compare him to other men she's been with is insecure? Why or why not? Do most men do this? Have you ever done this?

Absolutely. He’s an idiot, too, because the answer means nothing. You might as well ask a fish if it enjoyed being caught by you more than anyone else. I have never asked. In my experience, if you please more than those before you, the woman will tell you; there is no need to ask. Then, you know it’s sincere (unless her tone is wrong). Some women have told me I’m the best at something, best they’ve had, or whatever and I know they meant it; others haven’t, and I know they had better. A few have told me I’m the best but I knew they didn’t mean it. Those, I didn’t sleep with again or I’ve brought it up to—I’m wary of people who feel the need to lie. You’re not always going to gel sexually, which is something a lot of people don’t get; being in love≠great sex… sorry virgins who believe that will be the case!


*Still laughing at the fish comment* Yep...being in love is not equal to great sex. I'm sure we've all had experiences that taught us that lesson!

4. Have you ever dated a one night stand after the one night? Why didn't the relationship work out?

Okay, this will sound cocky (pardon the pun) but 70% of my first dates wind up in bed. This is because I have a different dating methodology than what’s preached—instead of building interest, I build momentum (which includes interest). There’s a free ebook detailing it on my site, called The New Way to Date. Actually, I don’t want the dates to wind up in bed that soon but it tends to happen. A first date is not that different than a one-night stand, so it is not uncommon for me to date one-night stands. In fact, my longest relationship ever—one year, nine months—started as a one-night stand. My relationships end because one of us just doesn’t see it going any further—love is not on the horizon.


Hmmmm, this is interesting. You don't want them to end up in bed but it just happens? Hahaha...I think God had a hand in that. As in the Woman. Not to crash your illusions but we know we want to sleep with you...waaaaay before you start thinking about it.

5. If you buy me dinner and drinks, does that mean I have to come up with dessert? And why do men always expect mattress mambo after shelling out for a couple of dates?

Nice analogy! I love it. You don’t need to come up with dessert; I have it in my pants. You just need to… Guys who expect women to put out after buying some dinners are idiots. Whether you pay for dinner once or fifteen times, what does it have to do with sex? Nothing. These guys have self-esteem issues and aren’t real men; they are boys. If you think paying should guarantee getting laid, there are these women out there known as hookers and that’s where you should be investing your money. This is also why I don’t buy drinks for women I want to meet at a bar; again, it’s low self-esteem. It smacks of “I can’t think of any reason why you would want to talk to me; I’m totally uninteresting and have nothing to say, so I’ll buy you a drink and then you’ll have to talk to me.” Chances are, she’ll take your free drinks and give her number to the guy who’s not buying her anything. Dah.

At the same time, you can’t let a woman lead you around, just getting free meals. If it’s not going where you want, take the heartache (or penis ache) and cut your losses. You should talk to her first and feel her out about the situation. A date is a guarantee of nothing except an opportunity to spend some one-on-one time with someone. It’s called rolling the dice.

Amen to that Ian! Say it loud so that all those oafs can hear you.

6. Do you think women should go dutch on dates? Why or why not?
   

I actually got a version of this question on Lifetime a month ago. My answer spawned a debate but in the end, all parties’ issues were resolved. It depends on the message you want to send. Guys need to gauge your interest level and determine whether you are on a “date date” (yeah, I know the chick lingo). The easiest way to do this is to see who pays. If we pay and you don’t say anything, you’re into us. If you insist on going dutch, it’s a strong indicator you’re not that interested. Yeah, yeah, I know that might not actually be the case but that’s irrelevant. The reason most of us suck at dating is because we fail to step back and consider the other person’s POV. It doesn’t matter at all what you think about this, ladies; it only matters what is going on in the guy’s head and that’s what’s going on. If you want a guy to know you like him, let him pay; don’t offer more than an “are you sure?” if that, even. Before you get your panties in a bunch, you can always offer to pay on the next date. In fact, when he pays, if you really want to clue him into asking you out again on the spot (part of The New Way to Date), you should say something on the spot like, “Well, I got the next one, then,” and smile. I have a third date with a woman tonight and she is taking me to dinner. So, you can still split things; just do it in another manner.

That's a really good alternative. I think that the whole feminist movement has enshrouded the courtship principle and pretty much ruined dating. I have noticed that when I don't like the guy, I always go dutch, so maybe that is an unspoken principle in the works. Ladies, heed the advice...but bring your cash anyway (God knows there are still cheapskates walking around). I once heard of story of a girl that had to do the dine and dash, because she didn't bring any money on her first date and the guy was a total loser. You've been warned.

On that note, I'll close the interview for today. Check in for part 2 tomorrow!

Labels: Ask Vixen, Dating

Posted by Vixen @ 12:47 AM :: 3 trainees letting it rip!

Talk to Me!

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