Thursday, September 27, 2007
When You Have Feelings for Your Friend's Man
This is a big No-no in the Sisterhood, but somehow there is always a lady that feels that this is something that she can't control. I don't care if you have a 'great chemistry
' with the guy or it was just a 'random hookup
', the fact that he's your friend's guy makes him automatically a leper to you.
You might reason that you are doing her a favor, by showing her what a dog he is, but the truth is that you are forever shattering your friendship. She might forgive you and stay friends with you, but she can never, ever trust you again. If he's a cheat, let her find out on her own, not by putting your scandalous self in the middle of the tryst.
Giving voice to your feelings, whether it's to your friend, or to the guy is just opening an avenue for complication. This is one of those unrequited love scenarios that you just have to keep to yourself. Your visceral reaction might be to distance yourself from your friend and the guy to keep your sanity, and if that is the case then it must be done. Please, please---don't mess around with your friends' guy.
It doesn't matter that you may have met him first, or that she treats him bad. Whatever the reason, it's just a justification or rationalization that you are trying to use to make it okay. It's never okay. You don't want to be known as that girl
right? The Man Stealing slut? Didn't think so.
Even men have this code. Remember in Love Actually
, when the English dude was in love with Keira Knightley? He never told his friend, he never disparaged their relationship, he actually distanced himself as much as possible without crossing the boundary. And when he did spill his guts, it was in such a sweet and classy way. And then he walked away. You've got to walk away
Oh, and if they happen to break up and he's single, it's still not okay. Your friend might state she's cool with it, but think about how you would feel in that scenario. There are over 6 billion people on this planet for a reason, it's not just him. A good friend is hard to find, a great friend even harder. A girlfriend that fits you, is tried and true, knows you and will sell her best Jimmy Choos for you to pay rent is a rarity. Don't throw it away over a guy.
Labels: Girl Talk
Posted by Vixen @ 6:01 AM ::
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Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Wow...I never expected such an overwhelming response. I think that it was a swing vote. For some reason though, my sixth sense is telling me not to mention anything to Wifey at this time. I know that if it was me, I would want someone to tell me, however, I know how I feel about Norio and I know that I would most definitely be at outs with the messenger for a long ass time. In addition, it's going to be my word against her man---he can always deny it and I'll be looking like Bobo the Fool. Norio is so against me saying something to her, it was one of the prerequisites of him even telling me what about it. So yeah, can't break that promise.
Not only that, but Wifey is so smart...and she's been with him for almost a decade. Norio told me that he's been a 'dog from the very beginning', and no matter how slick he is, I'm sure that she must have suspected at least once that he's cheating on her. She's with him for a reason, perhaps it's the security, she loves him, she's keeping the family together, he's a great dad...etc. So I have to agree with the reader that said that me bringing it up to her will only make her private pain public. In addition---we aren't that close, more casual friends than bosom buddies, so I feel like it's not my place. Just because I expect strict fidelity in the bonds of my relationship doesn't mean that she is the same way with her relationship.
One thing I can pro actively do though, is not hang out with the Cheat anymore. I can't look at him without wanting to stare at him cross eyed and scratch his face out. Which means that I can't hang out with her anymore; because the more time I spend with her, the more I'll be inclined to spill the beans. This sucks.
Fortunately Norio & I are moving out of state, so I guess the move comes at a great time. Thanks for your input everyone---the comments, the text messages, the phone calls. You all are great.
Labels: Cheating, Relationship issues
Posted by Vixen @ 4:33 AM ::
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Sunday, September 23, 2007
To Tell or Not to Tell
Back to the discussion of the married guy with a mistress, I seem to have reached a crossroad---the dilemma is, do I tell his wife or do I keep my mouth shut?
I really like his wife, I adore her, she's such a phenomenal woman. The ethical thing would be to tell her that her husband is a two timing cheat, but won't that be worse? I mean, right now, she's living her life of idyllic bliss, secure in the feeling that her husband loves her. Who am I to shatter her illusions?
But I can't call myself a friend if I just keep it to myself right? I mean if I were in her shoes, I would want her to tell me. At the same time, Norio is doing the Guy Code thing, which means that he shouldn't have told me in the first place---and he did. He only told me because he trusts that I won't say a thing to her. So if I tell her don't I break that trust?
Good gracious...I have no clue. I really wish he hadn't told me....grrrrrr! Has anyone been caught in this kind of situation? What would you do?
Labels: Cheating, Girl Talk
Posted by Vixen @ 4:33 AM ::
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Thursday, September 20, 2007
Definition: An amante is an Italian word the describes the lover/affair you have when you are married. The amorous relationship is strictly passionate and both parties know the boundaries of the affair and don't want it to spill over to real life.
In some European countries, the amante is 'expected and accepted' especially in marriages that are one of convenience, arranged, family titles, influence, money and power. Both couples live their lives 'sensing' that their partners are having affairs and yet turning the blind eye. In the public, they are the ideal couple and seem to have a marriage that is all together. They own property, have children, take vacations together, speak highly of one another and are openly adoring of their spouse---one wouldn't assume that there was an illicit affair stinking up the mix.
Last year, Norio introduced me to some friends of his, a couple that had been together for almost a decade. I had met the guy previously, and the high praise he had heaped on his lady made me want to meet her. She turned out to be all that and more, and we both clicked on so many levels. We all ended up having dinners together, double date nights etc. Fast forward to last week, the guy boasted to Norio about his Amante.
Grrrrr! I'm still shocked and surprised about this. His babe is all that and a bag of chips, a beautiful Bad Girl to the fullest extent, and yet he would choose a roll in the hay with some trollop---a dumb chick that the only thing she has going for her is her ass. Oh and maybe her blowjob skills. I'm so frustrated about this. I wish Norio hadn't told me, because of course now I'll never look at the guy the same way again. I want to shake him and scream "What the fuck are you doing???"
"But how could he do that? I thought he loved his Wifey," was my outraged response.
"Yes, he does. He would give his life for her--and their kids too. The Amante is just a plaything...nothing more."
Why does he need a plaything when he has such a great woman at home? And he's not the only one. Come to find out on talking to several people, that there are many who apparently view affairs so casually. In fact, the music director of my former church is screwing a church lady, right under his wife's nose, someone that his wife invites for Sunday dinner. Talk about balls of steel.
On top of that both of the guys would never in a million years leave their woman, and don't consider themselves in the wrong for fucking other people. I'm not party to the private details of either relationship---but on the outside both relationships seemed very strong and loving.
If I was a guy (and every day I thank God that I'm not!), I would never, ever scratch the itch with some random chick while my wife is at home cooking me dinner. It's the highest insult and highest form of disrespect---especially that the Amante is neither hotter, smarter or better than she.
Is this really a prevalent trend that is widely accepted? Or do I just happen to know a bunch of cheating idiots?
Posted by Vixen @ 4:30 AM ::
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Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Sex & Religion
One of my girlfriends called me today in a tizzy. Her man of almost a year, got guilt tripped by his ultra conservative mother about the sexual nature of their relationship. Something along the lines of "God doesn't want you to have pre-marital sex so stop..." Being a 'church boy', of course he immediately felt guilty for his 'sins' and has now put a stop to their sexual encounters.
Oh hell fuckin' no!
I could feel her outrage and resonated with it. It's one thing to be religious and not have sex, it's another thing to have had sex for almost a year every day and now just want to stop period cold turkey. I don't even think I would want to maintain a relationship with a guy at that point, it just reeks of years of sexual frustration. For some reason, a few of my friends have been caught in this pickle at one point or another since we graduated college....those church boys man, they are a trip.
Me, I stay away from church going men period. I like my sex red hot, dirty and guilt free with a side of cock and pussy action three times a day thank you very much. I refuse to be pegged as a 'sinner' when all I want to do is express my adoration for my partner. There is such a huge disconnect between the expectations of the Church and our generation, and sex is just the beginning.
I think that those of you that buy into the whole religion thing and it's for you...good for you. But don't try and shove it down my throat, I don't want none of the sanctimonious, holier than thou, repent and you will be saved bullshit. Life is too short without adding a burden of guilt on every single aspect of every single day.
To my former friend (different one) who had the unmitigated gall to label me a 'whore' because I'm no longer a virgin, kiss my ass. You're just jealous because I'm reveling in dozens of orgasms and you still don't know what a real one feels like. You're so busy keeping yourself 'pure' for a man that is probably fucking more than I am. Now that's irony.
So yeah, I happen to love sex. And there is no way I'm giving it up, so get over preaching to me let me fuck in piece.
Labels: All About Sex, Relationship issues
Posted by Vixen @ 2:01 AM ::
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Monday, September 17, 2007
Posted by Vixen @ 4:57 AM ::
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Thursday, September 13, 2007
Inter Faith Relationships
One of my dear friends asked me a question today about being in a relationship with someone from an alternate religion and belief system. How do you cope and is it really worth it?
There are strong points of view that believe that interfaith dating/relationships/marriages is an exercise in futility. People are quick to point out that Paul said, "Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers" and all that jazz. On top of it, the second line of thought is; if you have children, you kids will be confused as to what religion to follow. Another argument is that relationships are hard enough without having the difficulty of opposite beliefs thrown in.
This is a topic that strikes a few chords with me so forgive my lack of objectivity. I feel that there are only issues in your relationship from religion when you allow it to be. If the foundation of your relationship is built on communication and mutual respect for each other's views and beliefs, then it shouldn't be a problem. You might claim this as an idealistic approach but love is truly the greatest unifier. Each member should be allowed to belief what they choose to belief without forcing the other person to do the same. Just because you are together doesn't mean you have to be Siamese twins. God created us different for a reason, so use the difference as a foundation of learning more rather than causing separation.
Another huge difficulty is the family and friends. It's harder when you were raised in a faith that all your family and most friends are subject to. For some reason, it casts your mate as the outsider. If you are still living your life to please others then you shouldn't be in a relationship anyway.
I believe that children should be allowed to freely learn about all faiths and choose once they are mature enough the right belief system for them. This in turn makes them more well rounded and accepting adults, and not stuck in a narrow minded paradigm that alot of staunch believers end up in.
I wouldn't encourage an interfaith relationship just for the fun of it, however if you do find yourself falling in love with a guy that is different from you, don't be so quick to run screaming in the other direction. The world is so vast, one's possibilities are limitless, and love does come in all shapes, colors, beliefs and sizes. So embrace everyone with a open hearted universal love. Practice what you preach.
Labels: Relationship issues
Posted by Vixen @ 9:49 PM ::
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Monday, September 10, 2007
On Staying With a Loser
I recently came across a lady that had been in a relationship with a guy for 10 years. They live together. She's not happy with him, both inside the bedroom and out---and he doesn't seem to care. He's never given her an orgasm with penetration, and in bed it seems like she's servicing him while he doesn't even try to reciprocate. He just fucks her for his own pleasure and she'll be lucky if she gets any pleasure from it. She told me that she's talked to him til she's blue in the face, and still he continues with his illicit affairs, I don't care attitude, and watching porn, jacking off while 'smoking weed' all day. She the only one that works, is holding the relationship together as tight as she can and they have no children together. And yet---she can't leave him.
My question to her was why? Why is she irretrievably stuck to a man that doesn't make her happy and isn't trying to? Why is she being the sole provider for his lazy, no orgasm-producing ass?
Her answer---she loves him.
I know it's a deeply prevalent paradigm and she's not the only one stuck in it. Women are slaves to love...we will do anything for it, put up with anything for it and suffer for it. But when do you look in the mirror and realize that sometimes, love isn't enough? There is nothing holding her to him other than 'love', the fear of change and the fear of being alone. She's used to him, and figures that the next guy she ends up with will be worse. To this I gave her a droll look---really? How worse can it get from Mr. Cheating, Porn Addicted, Weed Smoking, No Job Having, Slacker? He is the bottom of the barrel honey...move on up!
She told me that when they first got together, he wasn't like this, but over the years he started taking her for granted and that's when the down slide began. She was even angling to marry him in the hopes that things will get better---I almost hit my head on the wall in frustration at that point. I talked to her for close to an hour, but even though she knows she's not happy, for some reason, she's unable to take the bold stance and seize her happiness and future with both hands.
She's gorgeous, guys ask her out regularly and yet she turns them down to go home to him. I know there is a deep level of insecurity also probably in the mix, but I wish there was a way to break the chains one at a time. The sad part is that she doesn't realize that being alone is better than staying with a man that insidiously drains every ounce of radiance, energy and self worth from her.
A Baaaaad Girl has to know when to stay---and when to leave.
Labels: Ask Vixen, Break Ups, Relationship issues
Posted by Vixen @ 1:56 PM ::
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Saturday, September 08, 2007
I had a really, really great post in mind for today. But somehow I can't get it out. I'm in a dither from so many emotions rollicking through my mind. Don't worry, nothing catastrophic has happened, but sometimes I like to think more than I can write. It's not often...but it's frequent enough to leave the blog quiet even though I've just been back.
So if you have a question, feel free to ask, it might send some of my brain cells in overdrive. Otherwise visit one of my other 4 blogs on the left hand side bar. I'm sure you might find something there to suit your craving. However, DO NOT READ Chronicles unless you are over 18, horny, don't know me in person and not at work. You've been warned.
Have a great weekend peoples.
Posted by Vixen @ 12:04 AM ::
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Thursday, September 06, 2007
I'm baaaack! Now I have to unpack, do laundry and come back to blog:)
Posted by Vixen @ 8:49 PM ::
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