Bad Girl's Guide

Friday, September 29, 2006

Cry for Help

I got a long comment from an anonymous reader the other day in which she detailed the course of her relationship with the first guy she ever had sex with. They were together for 14 months and started having major problems. His excuse was that she was too needy and he couldn't deal with it.

"Before the break up in about 3-4 weeks he got abusive, physically,verbally,emotionally...you name it. And I still hung around. His friends came first, I was always left out..I even felt he was cheating again that's why I broke up with him..."

She booty called him for a while and then tried twice to stay together with him in which those make-ups lasted for 3-4 months. She broke up finally with him after his best friend confirmed that he was still cheating on her and decided never to date him again. Fast forward a month later, he now has a new girlfriend and she is dating a guy but neither of them have the ability to let go of each other. They were still calling/texting each other incessantly and he gets jealous and possessive whenever he sees her and her boyfriend together. He finally broke down her willpower and she ended up sleeping with him again. In addition to the lies & jealousy, the physical abuse has never stopped. They've had numerous fights in public & private, which resulted in both getting arrested. Now she's sneaking around with him, officially the Other Woman, lying & cheating on her new boyfriend and she's wondering how she got here, why she can't let him go and what to do about it.

There is so much going on here that I don't even know where to begin. First of all, I know the attachments that can form when you get great sex, and even when you fall in love for the first time. However, let's call a spade a spade. He CHEATED on you. Several times. How you can overlook that and continue consorting with him is beyond my imagination. Secondly...he abused you. He's put his grubby paws on you and beat you. Hello??? I don't care what the excuse was, he has anger management issues and you are putting up with being victimized. How he managed to redeem himself from emotionally and physically hurting you is beyond me. That is a flaming RED FLAG. Something is seriously wrong with this guy. Add to the fact that ever since they broke up, the guy has consistently shown that he's not into you anymore besides sleeping with you. You are nothing to him but a warm place to stick his cock into. Him saying sweet things to you on the phone and being nice once in a while does not mean that he's head over heels in love with you. It's just him reeling you in hook, line and sinker for more heartbreak. Sure, you're 21 and still has alot to learn about love, life and relationships but some things just scream Run, Run, Run!!!

A guy that cares about you will not have you in compromising situations on a consistent basis. Obviously he's a flagrant cheat and can't be loyal to any woman, so why the great thirst for him? I know you are still in love with him (that's the only reason I can think of to put up with his bs) but there is no way you are going to get back to his heart through sleeping with him. Men don't equate sex with love, so you shouldn't use your body as a bartering chip for his affection. He's getting to eat his cake and have it too and you are the one strung up with a broken heart that will never heal, all these confused emotions, pain, hurt, betrayal and questions. You don't have the ability to give your heart to another at this point, so I suggest you stop using your Rebound Guy (breaking his heart in the process) and cut him loose.

A man that cares for you will not beat you in public or private. He has issues. You have issues. You need to exorcise your demons, leave him and seek professional help. You already know the right thing to do. You just want confirmation about it. End it. End all of it. Enough with the soap opera already. Cut him out of your life totally and stop talking to him, reading his emails, messages....everything! Most especially stop sleeping with him. He's moved on with someone else. He's a philandering cheat. He has hit you. How many more signs do you need to prove that he's not worthy of you?

You are the only one that can put an end to this madness. You are in charge of your life and accountable for the decisions that you make. Take charge and do what's best for you.

Good luck.

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Thursday, September 28, 2006

What to Share

This is the second part of the series. Read part one HERE. Here's my list of important things that need to be shared at appropriate phases in the relationship.

Share & Share Alike:
Do you think I left anything important out? It seems kinda short...let's add to this---what else?
The next post will examine what to tread softly with---and topics to avoid altogether.
Your thoughts?

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Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Sharing Too Much Information

Communication is one of the founding stones of a solid relationship. However, in certain instances, should you filter what you tell your significant other? Are there some topics that are taboo to share? Or do you describe in graphic detail every single moment of your dating history? Do you subscribe to the idea that he should know every single itty, bitty indiscretion in your past?

Depending on the guy, there are some things that he might be able to hear and understand without it adversely affecting your relationship in any way. Not all dirty secrets should be kept. After all, sharing secrets builds intimacy, and that gives you a stronger relationship overall.

However at the same time, there are things that you absolutely have to tell him in order for him to understand where you are coming from and how to relate to the relationship. Because every single past experience you have had in your life has forged you into the person you are today. They are like building blocks, one right on top of the other from the first guy that pulled your hair in grade school to the last guy you messed around with before you got serious with him. And every single experience is relevant in creating the woman he fell in love with, the fabulous woman that you are.

Some guys totally flip out whenever they here certain details about your past. Remember the reality show, Average Joe, when the guy who won ended up breaking with her 'cos she dated Fabio in her past? Or in Sex & the City when that guy called Samantha slutty 'cos she had slept with gazillions of more men than he could ever sleep with women?

At the same time, women have been known to be prone to sharing too much information too early in a relationship. We love to gab and bond, spilling secrets and confidential facts with wild abandon. Especially things that are too personal or none of his bloody business. This obviously scares guys away. I mean, come on, he doesn't need to know all your business on the first date....or even in the first three, or even in the first 3 months of your new relationship. But if you are in it for the long haul there are some important data that you will need to spill.

The next couple of posts will examine what to share...and what not to.

Your thoughts?

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Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Aloha!

Hey peoples,

I didn't die. Even though several times I seriously wanted to and several times I thought I did. Anyway, I hadn't been seriously sick in about 6 months so for me, that was actually good.

So, I'm back and brimming with all kind of ideas. It's amazing what lying down for days at a time staring at the ceiling under a drug induced haze can accomplish. The question is---will any of it make sense now that I'm lucid?

Tune in to find out.

(((((Hugs)))))

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Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Vixen is MIA

Vixen is in the hospital
enjoying high dose painkillers
keep her in your thoughts

and NO this is not the blog vacation she dreamed of :)

vixen's sister (the responsible one)

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Sunday, September 17, 2006

Porn Survey

Dr. Annie has finished writing up the survey for women on Pornography. Take the survey, it's posted at the end of this article. It's strictly anonymous. Don't forget to include personal observations and experiences on the open-ended questions part. I can't wait to see the results.

Read her full post HERE.
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Thursday, September 14, 2006

Idea Block

I've often said that there's no such thing as writer's block; the problem is idea block. ~ Jeffery Deaver

I'm stuck on something to write. For all my blogs and literary endeavors. For weeks I've been churning out stuff at a regular rate, but now I'm totally stymied.

For example, for Baggage Reclaim, I haven't even turned out an article for this week at all. And the week is almost over.

For the Sexy Smart Elexa project, all I did was regurgigate some stuff that I already had written, and finished a draft that I had sitting there for a while.

For Mysterious Meander, I did a meme and posted a forward.

As for here, I wrote this piece that wasn't even close to my normal capabilities and then hotlinked a really cool blogger. As for my works in progress, gosh, they haven't gone anywhere in months and are just stuck on my hard drive gathering dust.

As you can see, I'm stretching here---stretching hard. I'm seriously considering taking a blog break. Charming took one a few weeks ago and came back hotter than ever, brimming with ideas and stuff. Maybe I just need a blog vacation. Or some questions to get me jumpstarted again.

Help!

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Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Sex Tips & Advice

One of the more popular blogettes out there, Moxie has a wonderful business that has taken NY and other major metropolitan cities by the storm. In addition to hosting Lock & Key parties, Moxie also has interactive workshops for sassy women who want to learn more about their sexuality.

Some of the classes include:

Intro to Lapdance & Striptease
The Art of Fellatio
Erotic Talk & Foreplay
Kama Sutra & the Big O
Bartending in addition to numerous speed-dating events and online teleclasses.

Unfortunately she only has seminars/events in New York, Boston, Chicago, Dallas, Charlotte, Denver, Philly, Tampa, SF & DC but she's rapidly expanding to include other major cities. If you are one of the lucky few in these cities, check out her site and register for one of the courses. They are highly educational, very fun and a way to expand your repertoire. You won't regret it.

Check out Moxie's Website HERE.
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Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Celibacy

These are what I think the different levels of celibacy are.

Swearing off Men: This usually occurs when we've been burned severely in relationships over and over again. We want to heal emotionally, to get rid of the baggage and to learn to love ourselves again. So we re-connect with our circle of life, the sisterhood, our family and all our good friends and bond with them. We bypass mild flirtations and even go to the extent of not giving any man our number. We actually 'stop looking' and focus on other outlets, sports, hobbies, careers etc---anything to get us over the hump.

Swearing off Dating: It's a period where you recharge your batteries and find your romantic inclinations again. Usually suggested after a serial dating few months to no avail or when you find yourself becoming jaded & cynical even before you've met your first date. Or when you've become addicted to the thrill of dating and keep going on first/second dates but never have the ability to take it any further---even with a guy that's worthy. Or when every man you meet seems to be a rough draft of the last loser you dated. When you feel that you've dated every eligible man your city has to offer to no avail---perhaps it's time to take a break from dating. You can return again in a few weeks with a new perspective, and maybe there might be some new fish in the pond.


Swearing off Relationships: For those that tend to jump from one relationship to another, this is highly recommended. It's easy to want to instantly feel those wonderful romantic feelings and assuage your loneliness post-breakup by jumping into another relationship instantly but I always think that a mourning period should be observed. This is when you think about your ex, get over him and realise what happened in the relationship that was an error on both your parts. You focus on your mistakes and learn from them so that you won't do the same thing over in your next relationship.


Swearing off Sex: Yowza! After a while, even casual sex is no longer appealing. You wake up the next morning and realise that you don't feel any better or less lonely than you did before that drunken hookup. You realise that you have been using sex to get what you want from men, and have been using it to manipulate them. You've started equating sex as a bargaining chip. Perhaps you are in a relationship and have started taking sex with your partner for granted. You might believe that he's with you just because of your sexual prowess. You might have lost the zing---sex has become routine and humdrum, monotonous and boring. You have lost the real meaning of sexual intimacy and you have to take a break to be able to savor the novelty of it again.


Swearing off Love: For those of us who are in love with the idea of being in love, this might be hard to do. Remember, there is no such thing as love at first sight. It's lust/infatuation at first sight...love comes more gradually. You fall in and out of love so quickly that love has become a revolving word in your dictionary. You no longer get a flutter in your heart when you hear those magical 3 words. So hold your horses for a bit sweets, tamp those words in. Before you jump into mentioning the L-word, think about the emotion behind the feelings. Do you really feel that special feeling when you think about him? Would you really give him half your liver?

Your thoughts?

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Thursday, September 07, 2006

Time

How many times should you see your significant other in a week?
  1. Once: You both have uber busy schedules, perhaps there is a long commute involved. You are both very independent individuals and can squeeze in just one solid date/time together a week.
  2. Twice: You both have seperate social lives, and other interests outside of each other. However you do enjoy spending time together and plan date nights regularly.
  3. Thrice: You have a regular routine of every other day. You have to talk on the phone for a while on the days that you are apart. You have your own special drawer at his place and vice versa.
  4. Four: You are practically living at his place/him at yours. You spend the nights pretty frequently and end up seeing each other every day---morning & night. You are sharing half his closet. He has work clothes at your house.
  5. Five: You might work together or live close to each other. You spend all your free time with each other, and even when you hang out with others---you are still together doing it. You've taken over his closet---and his wardrobe.
  6. Six: You don't even know where your own house is anymore. You are over at his place all the time, you might as well move in!
  7. Seven: You've moved in. Just cinch the deal and take all your stuff over there.
So how many times can you see him in a week without him getting on your nerves?

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Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Oh Hell No!

I met a man in his 50's mind you (and no, I am not that old or interested) however, we'd met months earlier at a networking function and he called me. He is "in the business". Anyway, in our discussions, I tried desperately to keep our discussion on the straight and narrow, but he was DETERMINED to make it all sexual. Yes, he's 50 and he's a very sexy 50, but honestly, I wasn't that interested. He told me that he wanted to put his "tongue in my ass" and then he wanted me to "shit in his mouth" and he wanted a golden shower. OK. This is so far out of my league that I honestly didn't know what to do or how to answer. What gives? Is this real? Are there people out there who wouldn't mind a little human excrement in their systems? And how would he feel if I never, ever, wanted to kiss him based on his *ahem* meals?

From the tone of your email, I can already tell that you totally aren't feeling the whole "human excrement" vibe. As freaky as I consider myself, there is no way that I could even feel comfortable with a proposal like that. So let's just file this in the "Hell to the NO!" category and move on to the rest of your question.

Based on a quick internet search, yes unfortunately I have to let you know that it is real. In fact, there are alot of people that partake in this kind of encounters and most even confess to alot of visceral enjoyment from it. The scientific term, courtesty of Wikipedia is Urolagnia & Coprophagia...and the names sound quite daunting by themselves. There isn't that much danger with the golden shower thing because urine is sterile. However it might kick up one's sodium & mineral levels to unhealthy levels. It's suggested to do it in the shower and rinse afterwards. However, with feces, that's a whole kettle of worms (emphasis on the worms part.)
"Coprophagia is extremely uncommon in humans. It is generally thought to be the result of the paraphilia known as coprophilia, although it is only diagnosable in extreme cases where it disturbs one's functioning. Consuming other people's feces carries the risk of contracting diseases spread through fecal matter, such as hepatitis. Consuming one's own feces potentially involves risk, as the bowel bacteria and eggs of parasitic worms are not safe to ingest. Similar risk can apply to related sexual practices, such as anilingus or inserting an object into the mouth that has recently been in the anus (see ass to mouth).
Frankly, I think homeboy is hella nasty to even bring this up. Especially when it's a relatively new relationship and you two haven't even had any sexual relations yet. Utterly presumptuous, wouldn't you say? If you were even remotely interested, this probably nipped it in the bud. As for you not wanting to kiss him---that's totally understandable. Besides, he can still pass stuff to you from kissing, his mouth is probably swimming with all kinds of bacteria from all the feces he's been ingesting.

So what do you tell him? "Oh hell fuckin' no" should get the point across quite emphatically. Hopefully he will lose your number shortly thereafter. Ok, I'm going to take a long, scouring shower right now. I feel so dirty!

Please chime in with your thoughts. If there is anyone out there that has tried this and sees the other side of the fence, feel free to leave an anonymous comment with insight. We promise not to bash you....too hard;)
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Monday, September 04, 2006

Cut or Uncut?

To everyone that got a couple of duplicates in their reader/Feedburner today I sincerely apologise. I'm trying to tweak some Technorati features on my blog. PS: I'm actually going to enjoy putting tags on all future articles...especially this one!

Here is the question of the day from one of our international readers: Hey Vixen! How are you doing? Just wanted to ask you if women prefer circumcized penises to uncircumcized penises. Your thoughts please. Thanks.

Actually I think this comes down to personal preference. So any answer given here would probably be based on each woman's separate opinion. I've heard arguments for both sides of the coin and the jury is still out on that one.

I know that some might argue that an uncircumsized penis is dirty, smelly and nasty, but keep in mind that these are just gross over-generalizations and not really the case. In fact, they are more sensitive than their cut counterparts and so you don't have to do that much work to get them going.

Moving right along---my opinion, I love, LOVE me a beautiful, big, hard, thick....ummm where was I going with this? Oh yeah, I prefer a circumcized penis thank you very much. With a hot, sexy guy attached to it.

Your next question of course might be why? For starters, that's really what I have been exposed to all my life. It's hella hard over in the States to find an uncut dick so majority of us just aren't used to it. In addition to that, my one Uncut Penile Experience was actually a ghastly and horrendous affair. Ok, it wasn't that bad--but he actually preferred watching Shrek to getting a blowjob from me, needless to say, there wasn't any other action after that.

This is one of those questions that I'm going to throw out to the forum. What's up ladies? Which do you prefer?

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Saturday, September 02, 2006

Men & Porn, pt 2

Ok, I'm going to respond to a few of the comments here. First of all, let me apologize for the earlier confusion---for some reason, I was thinking snuff & porn were the same thing. Don't ask me why, let's just chalk it up to a dumb moment. Didn't mean to scare y'all like that, I'm sure there might be some guys into snuff but I highly doubt it's a serious trend. So...let's snuff the snuff side of things, shall we? Secondly, thanks for everyone that responded. It was nice to see what the general feel was and how everyone thought.

Before I did further research on trends and read your comments, my view was always that I didn't see any problem with porn as long as it's once in a while and not a constant habit or an addiction, you still managed to rock my socks off in bed and it didn't affect our sexual relationship in any way. In fact, I've viewed it more as a provocative stimulant, knowing that men are highly visual beings and have found some porn to be erotic and sexy. If you are crossing lines of watching "weird" porn like under-age children, animals or violent stuff, or substituting porn for sex, making it a regular course in the menu, needing porn to have sex etc. then---and only then would I start getting alarmed.

Moving right along, a male reader Jay, left me a few interesting thoughts that I'd like to post on here.
"I think dudes watch porn that depicts what they don't get. I think lesbian porn is the most watched, followed by anal then oral then threesomes; then 1 on 1. If your man wants anal and you don't want to give it then he will desire anal porn."
This would support the theory that there is something in porn that attracts a guy that he's not getting at home. However, what if he is getting everything he wants/fantasizes in bed and still is stuck on pornography? What's the excuse then? It could also be what Teri called the 'Forbidden Fruit' syndrome. Remember how you would buy cigarettes to smoke with your friends as soon as you left home because it was forbidden at home even though you weren't really a smoker? Unhealthy habits become more attractive when it's always been banned from you or seen as wrong.

Christine also gave what I would classify as a wonderful rebuttal. She eloquently said, "Where is the line between innocent titillation and depravity? And I definitely think that one exists. I don't think a man viewing some pretty gals in the buff or even watching a video a couple of times a year is a problem to any relationship. The problems come in when the guy sits on the Internet each night pleasuring himself to strangers and then wonders why he can't get the same excitement out of his partner. The woman feels rejected and the relationship turns to shit. All because of strangers in g-strings, bikini waxed and having their ass cracks bleached. Does this behavior degrade women? Naaa. I don't think most men think of these gals as someone they want in their lives, just in their beds."

Stephen also responded with a very firm rebuttal. "Pornography and prostitution effects the way men view women as an entire gender. And the men who say that all men watch and enjoy pornography are simply trying to justify their own depravity and fear of women. Pornography, in general, is about men, as a gender, owning and controlling women and their sexuality, as a gender."

Now that is an interesting concept. As women, we do have such a strong power and molding force in the world. We have such inner strength and will that has been found to intimidate most men. Could it be a way for them to channel that power and bind it? It is easier to treat your partner badly when you see such negative portrayals on a regular basis. And most of the poses in pornography do suggest strong elements of subjugation and submissiveness on the part of women.

There are a few sassy ladies that have actually been burned by this route before. The closest I've ever come to being burned wasn't really anything to write home about compared to the experiences I heard from you. However, the Porn Survivor Anon as I'd like to call them made me realise that this is actually a deeper problem than I originally thought. It shouldn't be classified as 'what men do' and excused as a by-product of having balls. It should be seen as abnormal, and then maybe it wouldn't be such a booming industry. Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with you that you have a hot vixen in your bed and you have to get your rocks on a plasma screen?
As Kay said, "In actuality, porn is degrading to human relationships in general...Porn is not reality, it is fantasy. In unhealthy minds, fantasy is the only thing acceptable, or fantasy is desired above reality. The reality is, a lot more women would be more sexually receptive if men weren't so obsessed with sex in general... and that includes porn."
Teri went on to state that if your man idolized/idealized porn stars, "It would make me feel like he's a fucking idiot. I think people who idolize "the ideal" of any kind (including movie stars) are exhibiting emotional and sexual immaturity." Well said sweets.

Guys, here's a word to the wise, no self-respecting woman would encourage your porn addiction. If it's once in a while (as in once in a blue moon, very rarely and we watch it together), the more adventurous of us might go for it. But--if you do plan to have a long term relationship, please, grow up, toss the porn and come to bed. We'll show you how real women, real flesh and blood women tear it up in the boudoir. Some of you might argue that not every woman is highly sexual and so you need other outlets but keep this in mind....Women, ALL Women, have the potential to be big ass freaks in the bedroom. You just have to learn how to untap that part of her sexuality.

Don't forget to visit Annie's blog to leave your comments as to what you would like to see on the Porn survey. I'll let you know when it goes live. Thanks for all your contributions and thoughts---keep 'em coming.
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