I got a long comment from an anonymous reader the other day in which she detailed the course of her relationship with the first guy she ever had sex with. They were together for 14 months and started having major problems. His excuse was that she was too needy and he couldn't deal with it.
"Before the break up in about 3-4 weeks he got abusive, physically,verbally,emotionally...you name it. And I still hung around. His friends came first, I was always left out..I even felt he was cheating again that's why I broke up with him..."
She booty called him for a while and then tried twice to stay together with him in which those make-ups lasted for 3-4 months. She broke up finally with him after his best friend confirmed that he was still cheating on her and decided never to date him again. Fast forward a month later, he now has a new girlfriend and she is dating a guy but neither of them have the ability to let go of each other. They were still calling/texting each other incessantly and he gets jealous and possessive whenever he sees her and her boyfriend together. He finally broke down her willpower and she ended up sleeping with him again. In addition to the lies & jealousy, the physical abuse has never stopped. They've had numerous fights in public & private, which resulted in both getting arrested. Now she's sneaking around with him, officially the Other Woman, lying & cheating on her new boyfriend and she's wondering how she got here, why she can't let him go and what to do about it.
There is so much going on here that I don't even know where to begin. First of all, I know the attachments that can form when you get great sex, and even when you fall in love for the first time. However, let's call a spade a spade. He CHEATED on you. Several times. How you can overlook that and continue consorting with him is beyond my imagination. Secondly...he abused you. He's put his grubby paws on you and beat you. Hello??? I don't care what the excuse was, he has anger management issues and you are putting up with being victimized. How he managed to redeem himself from emotionally and physically hurting you is beyond me. That is a flaming RED FLAG. Something is seriously wrong with this guy. Add to the fact that ever since they broke up, the guy has consistently shown that he's not into you anymore besides sleeping with you. You are nothing to him but a warm place to stick his cock into. Him saying sweet things to you on the phone and being nice once in a while does not mean that he's head over heels in love with you. It's just him reeling you in hook, line and sinker for more heartbreak. Sure, you're 21 and still has alot to learn about love, life and relationships but some things just scream Run, Run, Run!!!
A guy that cares about you will not have you in compromising situations on a consistent basis. Obviously he's a flagrant cheat and can't be loyal to any woman, so why the great thirst for him? I know you are still in love with him (that's the only reason I can think of to put up with his bs) but there is no way you are going to get back to his heart through sleeping with him. Men don't equate sex with love, so you shouldn't use your body as a bartering chip for his affection. He's getting to eat his cake and have it too and you are the one strung up with a broken heart that will never heal, all these confused emotions, pain, hurt, betrayal and questions. You don't have the ability to give your heart to another at this point, so I suggest you stop using your Rebound Guy (breaking his heart in the process) and cut him loose.
A man that cares for you will not beat you in public or private. He has issues. You have issues. You need to exorcise your demons, leave him and seek professional help. You already know the right thing to do. You just want confirmation about it. End it. End all of it. Enough with the soap opera already. Cut him out of your life totally and stop talking to him, reading his emails, messages....everything! Most especially stop sleeping with him. He's moved on with someone else. He's a philandering cheat. He has hit you. How many more signs do you need to prove that he's not worthy of you?
You are the only one that can put an end to this madness. You are in charge of your life and accountable for the decisions that you make. Take charge and do what's best for you.
Labels: Ask Vixen