Saturday, June 09, 2007
Being in Relationships After Rape & Molestation
Okay, thank you Julie & Mistress for deciphering that. I was totally off base.How does a girl get over molestation in her life to move on with her new man and to learn more in the bedroom with him, learn to walk alone with out being afraid?
This is one of those dark topics that are really difficult to handle. There isn't a rule or yardstick for everyone, and it sounds like your girl has been through a really trying period. The rule of thumb after molestation is to find someone that you can talk to and work out your feelings with. The best confidant during this time is someone you don't know that well but trust professionally, like a therapist or social worker. The hospital/police station should have given your girl referrals. If not, the internet will provide a valuable asset in finding the closest rape counseling center to your location. They provide excellent resources and it's totally free.
Another suggestion is for her to take a self defense class. This will help empower her and give her control if she ever finds herself in a situation like that again. It also aids in eliminating her fear of walking alone.
With some women, it can take several months to several years to be able to emotionally handle a relationship after being raped---and don't know how long it's been for your girl, but if she's still having all these dark emotions; then suffice to say that she isn't ready yet. I don't understand why she would jump right into a relationship, she really needs to work on herself first.
I'm sorry to tell you this, but the more you push your girl, the farther away she'll isolate herself from you. The more you try and convince her to sleep with you or expand her sexual repertoire, the more you have a chance of taking on the face of her attacker. It's not a logical substitution, but it has been known to occur regularly. Her anger becomes placed on you. This is why it isn't recommended to be in a relationship immediately after getting molested.
If you really truly love her, and I assume you do, you can help her by strongly assisting her to get into counseling. There she will be able to work through the complex emotions, achieve closure and get through the 'victim mentality'. It will be up to you to slow the pace of your relationship to something she can cope with, it might mean taking it all the way down to hugs and kisses, or even eliminating sexual contact altogether for the time being.
I once read a book of a guy that his girl had been molested. It was very hard for her to get physical period--because every time she felt his arousal she would have flashbacks and freak out. It took long months of gradual coaxing and trust for her to finally get intimate with him all the way. During that time he had to temp down his passion and take lots and lots of cold showers. They would kiss and make out but anything beyond that was debilitating to her. Eventually she started letting him go further and further each time they kissed, until they were finally able to consummate. He had to be gentle and non-threatening every moment, and let it be her decision and every step was her choice and under her control. Most men don't have the capability of sticking around that long, but he did, and the love they gained was well worth it in the end.
I hope this helps. Good luck and I hope your girl gets better and stronger emotionally.
Labels: Ask Vixen, Relationship issues
Posted by Vixen @ 9:52 PM ::
4 trainees letting it rip!
Talk to Me!