Thursday, May 25, 2006

The Age of Innocence pt 1: Meet Jade

This is a letter I got from one of my readers a few months ago and is used here with permission. I'm editing a few bits and pieces that are irrelevant to the story but there might be a few other ladies who have similar questions....

My dilemma - I recently met a man (in a club - I know that's bad but what can you do!) who is 10 years my senior. We hit it off straight away and spent the whole night together. I didn't go home with him but we managed to find a nice quiet corner to talk and... stuff ;) Anyway, we exchanged numbers and ever since we have been in touch via phone, he calls me and texts me every day but I just feel so weary and not because of anything but the age thing (I'm 19, he's 29 btw). He thought I was older because I am quite mature for my age but then again so is he! The experience is such a turn on for me but I have never been out with anyone older than 25 and I'm scared because ever since I broke up with my ex-boyfriend I haven't liked anyone so much. I don't trust myself because I always forget where the line is and I don't want to get hurt again. I seem to go for the wrong man very naturally! And also, I don't know what he wants and I don't want to ask because I don't want to scare him away. He seems to want more than sex, or maybe not? I don't exactly know what I'm asking for but your thoughts would be very much appreciated...

Ok, keep in mind that everything I'm saying from here on out is my perspective and opinion on things:)

Moving right along let's deal with the reason you wrote. My instinct first off is telling me that for some reason or another, your intuition is telling you to take it easy with this guy. I feel like there is something else you ain't saying but I'll let that go for now....feel free to dish if you can think of anything else.

You just broke up with your man? So you are in that phase where you are still healing from your past relationship and finding yourself again? If you are in this phase, most relationships started here will mainly be physical or rebound. Once in a while, someone does rebound and form a lasting relationship but it's hardly ever the case. On further correspondence I find out that she's already had her rebound relationship and has been single for close to 6 months.

Ok, for starters the age difference was one of your gripes. Even though you act older and more mature for your age, the truth of the matter is that you are barely a young adult while he is a man full grown. If you were say...25 with more life experience, and he was 35, this really wouldn't be an issue but I still believe that there will be the generational gap. Not only because, hey you are still young, but you are both in different phases of your life. You want to party hardy and have a good time and he might not be of the same mind-set. However, if you feel that the age thing isn't going to be an issue then don't let it bug you.

Does he know you are 19???? If he doesn't I would tell him just to keep it on the up and up. Ask him how old he thinks you are---chances are he will place you a tad older, like maybe 22 or 23. Sure telling him might scare him off but he will be really pissed if he finds out after the fact, I can pretty much guarantee you that. And telling him will also ensure that at least he will be able to understand where you are coming from with alot of situations.

I've dated older men myself when I was younger (one was a 16 year gap when I was 16!!) and I have to tell you that it's not a cup of tea. I did it for the lure and excitement of snagging a 'mature male' but I really wasn't ready for that kind of relationship. The Sex thing was a big issue with us because he was much more advanced than I was and I constantly felt naive and gauche in his presence. in addition, he wanted me to do stuff that I wasn't even ready for mentally or maturity wise and that created alot of friction. There are going to be differences in likes and dislikes, what you enjoy doing and how your friends act. Keep this in mind as well. Added to that is the friction caused by everyone who knows of the age gap. He will be bearing the brunt of it, getting called names like Cradle Robber behind his back. Being that your friends know of the age difference, I see them being the ones causing the most friction.

It sounds to me like he is into you to a certain extent. However you don't know to what level. Is it just for a random hookup, partying buddy, friend, FWB or something else?? Have you two gone on a date yet? Has he asked you for one? If you two haven't gone on a bonafide date and it's been several weeks since you met him, then chances are you are being relegated to the fuck buddy/casual hookup role. A guy that wants to pursue a deep relationship with a girl WILL ask her out on the date, it's the way it's always been done and will be done. So that's your first red flag right there.

It also sounds like you are kinda unsure as to where you want this relationship to go. You want the experience of dating an older man, but you don't want to be used. I also think that you don't really want to be want to be his girlfriend anyway but don't want to end up catching feelings for him and looking like a fool in love.

So Vixen, what am I going to do?

1. Listen to your intuition. What is it telling you? Is he a bad boy, nice guy or player? Can you trust him? Is he a man of his word?
2. Tell him how old you are. That way you can't be accused of deceiving him when he does find out. Oh, and he will find out, I can promise you that.
3. Ask him to ask you out. Next time you talk to him, find out what his plans are for the week/weekend. Confide in him that you have no plans yet and see what he says. If he wants to ask you out, he will use that as an opportunity to ask you out. Try it out one more time. If he doesn't ask you out...then chances are, he only wants to keep u as a backburner girl. Do you want to be a backburner girl??
4. If he does ask you out...but it's a 'let's hang out and chill' type scenario versus a proper date, then you are headed straight to FWB-land. If that is where you want to be, then great. If not, then he's probably not the one for you.

That's about all I can think of sweets. My bet is once you tell him how old you are he will quietly disappear. Which will probably prove that he never intended anything with you in the longterm. If he sticks around---then he might want something deeper. So that should be your first step. And the ultimate test.

Good luck and let me know what happens.

Labels: Ask Vixen

Posted by Vixen @ 7:02 PM :: 5 trainees letting it rip!

Talk to Me!

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