Bad Girl's Guide

Friday, May 20, 2005

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Posted by Vixen @ 3:26 PM :: 0 trainees letting it rip!

Talk to Me!

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Posted by Vixen @ 3:36 AM :: 0 trainees letting it rip!

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Saturday, May 07, 2005

Get a Life

Definition: A busy, fulfilling schedule that includes social activities, volunteer events, time with your friends, personal time, sports, travel etc.

Ok, you are probably wondering why I would suggest you get a life. You probably think that you already have one. If your life consists of sitting by the phone waiting for it to ring...you don't have a life. If your life consists of staying home involuntarily on a weekend night because you have nothing else to do, then you don't have a life. If your life is fully entwined with your significant others, and if everything you do is done with your boyfriend, you don't have a life.

A BAaaaad Girl has a life. She has a life full of interesting and fun things to do. Your life is now, these are the best years of your life. Sorry to drop a time bomb on you, but it's true. It's all downhill from here. Everything you have ever wanted to do, travelling, bungee jumping, scuba diving, rugby, run a marathon, paint, photography etc. THE TIME IS NOW! You will never, ever have a period in your life again when you are at the peak of your energy, the peak of your health, when it's all about what you want to do when you want to do it.

So get out there and do it. Please ladies, don't spend your weekends home alone waiting for something to do. You have to go out and seize the day.

I have a dear friend that plans her events ahead of time. Her weekly schedule is full of interesting and fun things to do, scrapbooking, photography, scuba diving, charity events, art gallery openings, zoo visits...you name it, she's done it or it's on her list.

A social life does not just fall into your lap. You have to create it. First of all, you've got to have a way to keep track of everything. Granted, your brain is a good enough organ, but it wouldn't do to forget that you were hosting the Book Club meeting until the readers showed up on your doorstep right? Suggestions...if you don't have a palm pilot (useful gagdets!), you can store your event calender on most cell phones. Also the internet is a great place to put stuff in. Yahoo, MSN, AOL and other websites have online calenders. My personal favorite...is a thin appointment book/calendar that I keep in my purse. My sister writes her events on her home calendar, that way she can check it every morning to keep abreast. Just find whatever works best for you and stick to it religiously.

Finding Events:

1. Check your city's newspaper either online or the actual paper. They list events that are coming up weekly and you can find stuff around that. Some sites have the capability of sorting by event, for example, if you want to go to a poetry reading you can select and search all the poetry readings in your area. Remember, if you don't like whatever it is, you can always bail.

2. Use online sites like www.citysearch.com, www.evite.com. Citysearch shows you events and places in your city. Most of the places have reviews, plus if you go there, you can also write a review for future searchers.

3. Networking: Join a posse and network. When invited somewhere, let the host know that you are bringing your friends. Most people are very cool with that. My sister has a friend that knew almost every hot party in town one summer. My sis and I had just moved and had no clue, but we were having fun every weekend like Bmore was our city of birth. Just remember to extend the invitation back to your friends when you get invited to something.

4. Plan your own: Hey sometimes, there is just nothing going on. So throw your own event, a dinner party, a theme party, midnight bowling, game night, whatever works. There are several sites online that can help you with planning ideas if you have hosting issues.

5. Work: Bet you didn't think I would say this. Most companies are corporate sponsors to alot of events. They get free tickets to whatever they sponsored and the tickets go to the first people online at the Events Office (check through HR). Most of the events end up being upscale and swanky, however some could just be charity walks and such. Contact the proper office and get to steppin'!

Even if it doesn't look like your scene, try it out for a little bit. You never know how much fun you can have until you try it. I once got invited to this art exhibit at the city museum by one of my dear friends who got her tickets through work (see, it works!). I'm not an artsy person, but I put on my black clothes and arrived to have fun. We ended up having a blast, walking around the room laughing and having a great time. Sometimes, it ends up not being about what you do as important as who you are with.

Human beings are social creatures and without social interaction even the most introverted person will just shrivel up inside.

To be a Baaaaad Girl, you must have a life!

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Posted by Vixen @ 9:48 PM :: 0 trainees letting it rip!

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Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Master List

Definition: A list written when you are not in an emotional place, that has everything you would like Mr. Right4Me to have.

Ok, I'm not a great believer in lists. I believe that the brain is a fully functional organ that has the capacity to remember a thousand and one little details. However, I have great faith in the Master List. I call it the Master list because it is a fully refined list of everything that entails Mr.Right4Me.

You won't know if you find what you are looking for if you don't know what you are looking for.

The best time to write your list is when you are thinking rationally and not emotionally. Put in it everything you have ever wanted in Mr. Right ever since you realized that boys were hot too. Now mark off everything that is flaky.

Flaky: Specifics like height, weight, shoe size, penis size, eye color, hair color, type of car he drives, etc. etc. Think about it, would you like a guy that was 6 feet with ____hair and ____eyes (insert your choice), that had a lousy character and treated you like shit? So anything that is not important, aka the packaging of Mr.Right4Me, scrap it off your list.

Ok, now divide your list into 2. The Must Haves and the Would Like to Have. Put the things that are super important to you in the Must Haves list, things that you cannot compromise on and the things that you would like him to have but if he didn't and he was great in every other way you would be happy in the Would Like to Have.

The Must Haves become your Master List.


My Master List
Ok, the list is not in order, these are all very important to me. Some are repetitive, however none are redundant.
  1. God-fearing: Deeply spritual, Christian. Preferably Adventist.
  2. Driven: Ambitious, focused
  3. Tons of Character: Kind, humble, virtuous and honorable. Respectful.
  4. Social: Friendly, nice, extrovert
  5. Intelligent: Knowledgeable on wide range of subjects, searches to increase knowledge.
  6. Professional: Succeeding and enjoying chosen career. White collar. Hardworking.
  7. Family Oriented
  8. Humanitarian: Helps others, serves community
  9. Humorous: Funny and fun-filled. Able to laugh at life.
  10. Respectable: No shady bizness, aka Drugs, guns, booze, women, smoke, gambling etc.
  11. Healthy: D&D free, tested for HIV and STDs
  12. No kids from another. No baby mama drama.
  13. Stimulating conversationalist
  14. Income higher than my own
  15. Supportive and inspiring
  16. Romantic: in thought, deed AND word.
  17. Loving: Capable of deep emotions. Loves me more than himself.
  18. Passionate about life, love and God. Respects the spiritual realm
  19. CHEMISTRY
  20. Good at networking
  21. Adores and is adored and respected by my family
  22. Enjoys music, the arts, activities and going out
  23. Knows/can learn and enjoy playing Spades.
  24. Respects and treats women well. This includes, mom, sisters, me and others
  25. Not given to irrational behavior, harsh words or deed. Not violent
  26. Very good at communicating his thoughts and feelings and all else
  27. Lover of people but very picky with his inner circle
  28. Can save and invest. Financially secure
  29. Loves all things cultural
  30. Can adapt, appreciate and accomodate the Nigerian community
  31. Has realistic expectations for me and of me and helps me to reach them.
  32. Computer literate
  33. Organized and neat
  34. Knows how to cook more than pasta, fried eggs and plaintain.
  35. Has his own place, seperate from family and friends living there
  36. Enjoys travelling and meeting new people
  37. Supports my hobbies, nurtures my talents, respects my decisions
  38. Fantastic dresser
  39. Notices and appreciative of the tiniest things
  40. Independent
  41. NOT GAY, undercover, in the closet, on the down low
  42. NOT GAY, double check, just to be sure
  43. Emotional baggage from previous relationships has been dealt with and is under control.

Now, Mr. Right4Me has to score above 90%. He has to get an A. Anything less than an A will not get you past the third date. I've realized that the stuff on my Master List is the stuff that is important to me. I cannot be happy with anything else (believe me, I've tried).

So now that you have seen my Master List, go and work on yours. Feel free to tinker with the list to fit your priorities. Also, remember to update the list periodically with new things that you have learned from a relationship that just passed. (41-43 are new additions for me!)

A Baaaad Girl Must Have the Must Haves List.

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Posted by Vixen @ 12:37 PM :: 2 trainees letting it rip!

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Bug-a-Boo

Definition: This is a person that has been told that you want nothing to do with him, but still continues to call and try to see you.

Ok, so now that we know what a Bug-a-boo is, the question is how will we get rid of him?

First things first, you have to lay the groundwork to prevent Bugaboo-ism. You should let the guy know that the date is simply an interview of sorts and if he aces it, then you will see him again. However, if for some reason you feel that you guys don't click, you won't talk to him again. Plus, after the unclicking date, just tell him that you are 'unavailable'. Unavailable to future dates and all future encounters. Give him the red light, and not a wishy washy yellow one. Most bugaboos don't know that they are one, so let him know at the beginning that you wish to no longer continue the acquaintance.

1. Don't give out personal info: In the age of modern technology, and great inventions like google and the internet, even your home phone number is in the locale of personal info. Use your cell phone for dating, until you trust the guy to a certain level. Don't give out your home number. If you don't have a cell phone, get one, they have disposable buy-minutes-as-you-go type phones nowadays. Also, remember that there is such a thing as caller ID, so unless you want him to find out everything he can from your phone number, use a calling card or block your number.

2. Don't let him know your apartment number: If you live in a complex, meet him at the lobby or a foyer, the worst he can do is stalk your building. Better yet, meet him in a public place or have him pick you up at somewhere else. That way, you have covered the bases. It's also a great thing to have a secure apartment complex that he needs a code to get in.

3. Use an email program that has blocking features: To block annoying emails. Personal favorite, AOL. You can even create a separate email identity just for dating and filter out unwanted emails. Plus, when it gets too much, you can close the alternate ID without any fuss to your normal email activity.

4. Use and IM program that has blocking features: Like yahoo instant messenger. Simply relegate them to your blocked list and you will never get annoying IMs from them again. Plus, you can set the program to permanently show you as invisible to him, that way, he won't ever know that you are online. However, if you delete them from your list, you have no power whatsover and he can see you and contact you. So shove him to the blocked list and make yourself Invisible.

5. Screen your calls: Ok, it's an old method that still works. Let all your unidentified calls go to voicemail. That way, in your free time, you can delete his messages.

6. Don't let him know where you work: Don't ask me why, it's self explanatory. If you work say at a busy downtown hospital, you might say which one, but don't say what floor or field. Broaden your department, for example, if you worked in the Pediatric ICU, tell him you work in Peds. Likewise, if you worked in the Accounting department, tell him that you work in Transactions or something equally vague.

7. Last Name: Ok, remember the thing about google that I said earlier? Still apt in this case. Don't let him know your full name. I have 13 names so I have the luxury of picking which to use at particular times. Usually, I go with the exotic ones, harder to remember...hehehe. But if he already knows your name, then please don't tell him your last name. It's alot harder to find Jane than it is to find Jane Fitzpatrick III. Get my drift?

8. Business Cards: Do not hand out your real business cards. Have dating cards made for free at www.vistaprint.com. All you pay is S&H and you can limit the info you put on there. For mine, I put only my cell phone number, my email addy, city and state. That way, he doesn't have that much real info to harass you with.

9. Don't Return calls: Remember what I said about the wishy washy yellow light? If you return his calls that is exactly what you are doing. I don't care if this is so that you can tell him that you don't want to speak to him again...duh, you already did that. So don't return any of his calls, messages, IMs or text messages. Ever. Eventually he will get the message.

10. Restraining Order: Yep. When all else fails, get a restraining order (or at least threaten to get one). This is usually quite effective, plus you have documented history of his stalkerisms should you ever need to sue his ass for harassment.

And please, don't become a BugaBoo. Any actions and examples written above can also apply to you. A BAaaad girl is not a BugaBoo. She knows that there are other better fish in the sea so so doesn't worry and stalk 'The One that Got Away.'

If a guy is not that into you, don't try and make him see the light. It's a foolhardy plan and you will just come off looking pathetic and desparate. So once you see, even the faintest yellow light, hightail it to the other direction. Mr. Right 4U will be chasing after you, and not the other way around.

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Posted by Vixen @ 11:45 AM :: 2 trainees letting it rip!

Talk to Me!

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Going Dutch

Definition: Paying for half of the bill when out on a date.

BAaaad girls do not go dutch. They do not split the bill. EVER. This relegates your date automatically to the status of a friendship. Friends split bills, daters don't.

Ok, so it's hard to sit pretty and smile a thank-you when he takes care of the bill, but it's what you as a Baaaad girl are going to have to do. He invited you out, he knew where he was taking you, he knows how much it's going to cost and he's planned accordingly. Any guy that expects/lets you pay for any date is not worth your time...he's a cheapskate.

You had to plan for the date as well. You chose your outfit with care, you did your hair, makeup and nails. All this is additional time and expense on your part to gussy up for his presence. That is your financial input for the date. (Run the numbers, you have probably spent more).

If he wants the pleasure of your scintillating and fascinating company...he is going to have to show up and provide. Simple. Guys want to prove that they can provide, it's the whole Alpha male Neanderthal thing, so let him provide, and don't cut into his ego by insisting on paying. Don't even make a play for the check, the Reach is not considered good dating etiquette.

The only exception to this paying rule is if you invited him on the date. (Which should not be done, but this will be covered later). Also, if he has officially asked you to become exclusive, aka he is now your boyfriend. That is the only time you pay, and when you do, you pay for the whole check and don't divy it up.

If you insist on splitting something (AND THIS IS ONLY ONCE YOU TWO ARE EXCLUSIVE), you pay for the movies and let him pay for dinner. And don't keep a running total of who has paid more and such...that is just crass.

I used to try to go Dutch. I wanted to keep in control and dictate how the date went. I felt that if I paid for my half, then I wasn't obligated to him for a thing. Until I realized that every single dude that I split the check with ended up being a friend or acquaintance rather than a boyfriend. Whether or not he pays, you still aren't obligated to do anything. You aren't obligated to finish the date if you don't want to, you aren't obligated to kiss him, or even give him a hug, you aren't obligated to kiss him gnight and you are NOT obligated to sleep with him. Just cos he spent money on you for a few hours does not give him any right whatsover to your person. The ball is still in your court.

I know that as a woman of the 21st century, you want to prove that you are independent and can handle your finances, but I'm sure that you come across as independent without actually having to open your wallet.

However, always carry enough cash on every date for incidentals, aka, the date goes sour and you need to catch a cab home, or he decides not to pay etc. If anything occurs that makes you break into your emergency date fund, he is automatically disqualified. You should never go out with him again, he's not worth it. Trust me, if you keep at it, it will only lead to more heartbreak later on down the road. So just nip it in the bud.

Remember, going dutch splits the potential for a romantic liasion by half. It diminishes the date instantly into a meeting of friends. Don't sell yourself short. Never go dutch. REPEAT.

Never go dutch.

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Posted by Vixen @ 11:09 AM :: 1 trainees letting it rip!

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Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Karma

Definition: Whatever you do comes back to you, blessings if you do good, and curses if you do evil.

And how do you this, you might ask? Actually it is quite simple.

Leave each man better than when you met him. That way, when another BAaaad girl picks up where you left off, she will thank you for the refinement. Consider men as clay that need to be molded. You cannot do it alone, character moldings take lots of time and effort. Even if all you can impart on him to to leave his dirty clothes IN the hamper and not ON the floor, that in itself is karma points for you.

Guys are resistant, they don't want to be changed. But consider a hard igneous rock left on the seashore. Time and tides wear it down until eventually it becomes as smooth as glass. We ladies are the tide, and we gradually reshape the rough edges from our man until he becomes Mr. Right 4 Me. And if paradventure, the relationship didn't work out, then you have remade him into Mr. Right 4 Her.

Every single boyfriend that I broke up with, I had to leave with some decent character traits. I would like to believe and hope that somewhere, some Baaaad girls are working on my guy to make him perfect for me.

The same applies both ways. If you piss where you drink, mess up the dating pool, then the bad karma is going to hit you in the face. Don't screw with these guy's heads. Stop playing games with them. We already know that we are smarter than them, centuries alone has taught us that. We do not need to constantly harangue and bicker, we do not need to stalk them and we do not need to CHEAT on them. All of these give you negative karma points.

When you meet a normal guy, one that is not living with his mother, not emotionally scarred and has relatively minimal issues, why is it that one nice guy that we must destroy? I know we are embittered and cynical, but can't we leave the good guys be?

We rage and bitch about how the good ones are all taken, or not yet born, however the guys that aren't so good, they are rotten apples because generally we made them that way. (NOTE: I'm not talking about the run of the mill Charles Manson psychopath guy.) I'm talking about the guys that we have given tons of drama to, lied and cheated on, and did everything to drive them insane. So they cracked eventually (who wouldn't?). They became that dogs that we have outlandishly villified them into. We are partially to blame, maybe even mainly at fault.

When guys are nice, they are soooo nice. Sweet, romantic, thoughtful. But when they are bad? YUCK! They become jealous, untrusting, scary in a stalker way, sometimes violent etc. etc. They didn't just turn this way overnight....we added some fuel to the fire.

We need to stop doing this. Wouldn't it be FANTASTIC if everyone left their ex better off than they had met them? Then, people could meet better versions of the people that they do, and more people could get married, which increases your chances of a happily ever after.

Karma is only a bitch if you let it be. Set yourself up for good karma.

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Posted by Vixen @ 11:59 PM :: 0 trainees letting it rip!

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Recycling

Definition: A recycled man is a man that you have dated, perhaps even slept with, a man that you have have a previous relationship with. Then you guys broke up. But you see him again after the fact, dating/sleeping with him months after the breakup.

The power of recycling is a great thing. Did you know that to recycle one aluminum can gives you enough energy to run your TV for 3 hours? Wow, that's frickin' amazing!! Recycling anything for the eco-system is great. Recycling men is NOT.

Why, why, why do we women do this to ourselves?

Now, the problem here is that to him, you are just a booty call. But you may/may not still have feelings for him. If you don't, your feelings tend to come back. Why? Because women feel with their hearts as well as their bodies, sex is usually (mostly) an expression for an emotion that we feel inside. So to have relations of ANY sort, even if it's just talking to him on the phone, getting him to fix your radiator...ANY sort...set you up for another heartbreak. Why do you want another wound when your last one has barely healed?

My mother told me this phrase and it has stuck to my mind since I was a girl. "Never be like a dog returning to it's vomit." OK, pretty disgusting, I know, but it gets the point across.

The reason that you guys broke up is still there, he's not going to change. And the same reason will be the reason that your 2nd-time-around relationship won't work. It may not look the same originally, but dig beneath the depths of the load of crap, and you will realize that it's the same thing.

So darling ladies, in order to be a BAaaad girl, stop recycling your men!

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Posted by Vixen @ 11:49 PM :: 2 trainees letting it rip!

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Throw Out Mr. Perfect

Yeah, I said it.

Throw out the idea of Mr. Perfect. It's just frickin' rubbish. Simple propaganda that the society has brainwashed you with ever since you were a kid. There is no such thing as Mr. Right. REPEAT. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS MR. RIGHT.

There is only Mr. Right 4 Me.

And how do I know that there is no such thing as Mr. Right? Check this out.

Example 1:
Suppose Mr. Right's name was Adam. He was supposed to meet you on a particular day at the local cafe. But you didn't show...cos your boss wanted you to work late. So he meets...um Ms. Eva, who happens to be a great combo with him. He dates her, marries her, and they live together. They are happy, but he's not her soul mate. Adam was your soul mate but now he's lost to you forever. He's off the market. Kaput. Is that the end of your story? Are you doomed to spend a lifetime without your Mr. Right?? (Don't email me with the answers, these ARE rhetorical!)

Example 2:
Suppose Ms. Eva happened to be his soul mate. But she got hit by a bus before she met him. Or even after she met him. Does that damn Adam to a life without the other half of his soul?

Yadayadayada. Like I said, BS. Simple propaganda.

I believe that there is a particular type of person for you. I believe that any person in that type is a good match for you. I believe that you have a great chance of being happy with any male in that type that fits for you. Now breath a sigh of relief. Isn't it better knowing that you have a larger pool to pick from? If Adam gets hitched (or hit by a bus), isn't it great to know that Brad or Cooper or Dan is still out there? (Not saying that Mr. Right 4 U's name would go in alphabetical order, but you get my drift.)

So now that you have overcome the number all time myth to dating...happy dating!

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Posted by Vixen @ 11:36 PM :: 3 trainees letting it rip!

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Introduction

By definition, a bad girl, is not an evil person. She is not a mean bitch, unless she has to be. She is a fun, fiesty, independent female with her own place, car, job and money. A bad girl is a sexy and sassy sista who has everything (well almost everything) going for her and is still continually striving to improve herself. When I say bad, I don't mean naughty-bad or even evil-bad. I mean BAaaaaad! Like a cool, intelligent, modern female that has her life as orderly as she can get it.

A bad girl is BAaaaad, because she doesn't live by the rules, she makes her own. A sista that can wield the cloak of power easily during 9-5, but slip into a sexy party girl when the sun goes down. She's gorgeous, and she knows it, even if she does have stretch marks and cellulite from here to Timbuktu. She fabulous and her self confidence is at an all time high, even if she has to fake it until she feels it.

The power of a BAaaaaad girl is that she knows what she wants out of life and is trying hard to get it. She wants the great job with the six-figure salary, she wants the perfect home and to be a great hostess. She wants the perfect man of her dreams.

And this is where the guide comes in. You see, BAaaaad girls are made, not born, they are forged through the fires of dating hell. When you see a gaggle of girls talking about men, we are not merely male-bashing, we are educating each other. Throughout history, the oral tradition has been the most powerful way of transferring information known to humankind. And we ladies have modified that and taken it to the nth level.

We talk about the foibles and horror stories, we talk about techniques and skills, we talk about romance and the one that got away. We talk about our narrow scrapes and misses, we talk about which guy is "dog of the week" and why, we talk about who cheated on who with whom.

Now what qualifies me to write the BAaaaad Girls Guide? Nothing. Absolutely frickin' nothing. Except that in a quest to leave something for the younger generation (aka my kid sister, who had her first date last week!!), I realize that I can impart waaay more info if I just wrote it down. So here you go.

Anything you read here is simply for informational purposes. If you decide to jump off Empire State Building because the dating pool is quite depressing, don't you DARE write that it was my fault.

The BAD girl's guide is merely not a quest to find the man of your dreams, but one to enrich your life and make yourself a better person so that when you find Mr. Right for Me, you will know.

And now, let the journey begin.

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Posted by Vixen @ 10:46 PM :: 4 trainees letting it rip!

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