Friday, October 20, 2006

Like But No Lust: Meet Jade

I got a letter from a reader the other day, Jade; who is in a relationship with a guy at her part-time holiday job. She goes to the city every week to visit with friends but is in school about an hour from the city. To cut the long story short, they've flirted on the job on and off for several months as well as developed a pretty close friendship (he helped her through her breakup and vice versa).

Last Easter he told me that he was really into me and wanted to be my boyfriend. I freaked out and went cold for a couple weeks but then this summer when I went back I admitted to him that I was feeling him too and have been for a while now. His baby mama still kinda in the picture but that's not the issue. We're tryna work on something real. We get on like a house on fire, really complement one another. Anyway, we been on a couple dates and we are in touch all the time, talk on the phone more than once a day, emails, etc.

The problem is that I am finding it very hard to be affectionate or intimate with him. I remember the first time he kissed me, I burst out laughing, and I did that a couple times after as well and he played hurt and made a joke out of it. I apologized and he said that when I am ready he'll be there waiting. We've discussed it and he thinks that maybe I'm scared of committing or getting hurt again or that I still don't trust him because he's still dealing with his baby mama but I just DONT KNOW WHAT MY PROBLEM IS! We're stuck in limbo and he is being such a patient... gentleman bout it! I am very pissed off at myself because it's not what I am like usually and its quite the opposite of what I wana do to him.

I read a relationship book a few months ago that stated that it takes about 5 seconds of meeting someone to know whether or not you are attracted to them. Attraction cannot be forced, no matter how much you want to be attracted to someone, if the sparks aren't there, they just aren't there.

Jade, are you attracted to him? He sounds like an okay guy and everything but it doesn't sound to me like you are that attracted to him. Something is holding you from getting intimate with him on any level and you should pay attention to that.

Yes, it could be reservations based on his baby mama situation and the fact that you don't want to get burned again so soon. Regardless of that fact however, if you are attracted to him, you would have kissed him already. We equate kisses as a sign of affection, and it sounds to me like you respect and admire him. But are not attracted to him.

Remember the letter you wrote me a few months ago? That guy in the club...you were attracted to him. You wanted to kiss him and make out with him despite everything that your friends and family were saying. Despite the objections your mind was issuing, you still wanted him. That you were sure of.

It sounds to me that although you want Mr. Coworker to be in the picture, you aren't attracted to him physically. Your laughter could be a subconscious form of nervousness or anxiety. It could be your sixth sense kicking in telling you that something is still off. What's the rush anyway? Listen to your heart, mind as well as your pussy.

Why don't you give him some more time to sort out his issues? Baby mamas don't just disappear, they will always be around until the child hits majority. That way, at least you won't wonder if that's the problem.

Meanwhile, focus less on getting intimate with him and more on developing your friendship and deciphering what your sixth sense is telling you. Don't rush into anything that you aren't ready for just because he's pressuring you or just because he wants it. Remember, as a woman, once you start sleeping with a guy, most of the time our hearts fall into the picture as well. Sex clouds your judgement so listen to the Triad and slow it down.

Your thoughts?

Labels: Ask Vixen

Posted by Vixen @ 3:17 AM :: 3 trainees letting it rip!

Talk to Me!

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