Thursday, February 26, 2009

Living Together Before Marriage

I had this question asked to me at a party recently, and my viewpoints totally started a firestorm of controversy. Personally I have no problem with Cohabitation, it's worked out great for me, and if I could do it all over again with Norio, I definitely would (but I would pick the apartment next time;).

Everyone else in the group was vehemently against it. The population was a group of uber-religious Christians, so maybe that was a skewed demographic. But I do want to test the opinions out there.

What do you think of cohabiting? Do you think it helps or breaks the relationship?

I moved in with Norio a year after we started dating. He was the first guy I ever moved in with and it seemed the natural step in our relationship. Of course there was some conflict, for example, I'm a night-owl and he's a day bird...but as we adjusted our habits, gave each other space, respect and communication we were able to successfully navigate the waters.

I wouldn't marry someone that I hadn't lived with first. You never really get to know someone until you are in their face 24/7. You are forced by the closeness to develop a deeper intimate relationship; and when you have conflict, you have to deal with it (instead of each person going to their own apartments and then ignoring the issue later on). You find out things about the other person that you never really knew, things that might be dealbreakers for you in the future. You figure out how to manage money, cooking and household tasks and what you each think your gender roles and expectations are. Sure, you could do this in the first year of marriage, but what if you move in with your new husband and absolutely hate living with him? What do you do then?

Studies claim that couples that cohabit don't often make it to the altar (about 42% don't eventually get married.) I think that's a good thing, because they realized sooner rather than later that they weren't compatible and broke up. Better they split while they were cohabiting then after marriage, joint mortgage and a passel of kids.

The group also claimed that studies show that people that cohabit don't get married ever. While they were throwing inane statistics around, they also said that cohabitation leads to early divorce (before the 3 year mark of the marriage).

It's interesting because while Googling these supposed facts (which most are touted by other religious 'living together is a sin' groups), I came across a bunch of other facts that they didn't even realize.

• In France and Germany cohabiting couples have a slightly lower risk of divorce. So maybe the divorce in the US is a cultural thing versus because of cohabitation. After all, we live in a disposable society, with a belief in starter marriages, quickie weddings and Vegas hookups. America thrives on the premise of instant satisfaction, and many people don't take into account that a relationship takes real work.
  

• If cohabitation is limited to a person's future spouse, there is no elevated risk of divorce. Take that! So as long as he's the right guy, there isn't a risk of divorce. I wouldn't move in with a guy that I didn't think was the right guy anyway!
  

• In the U.S., cohabiting couples taking premarital education courses or counseling are not at a higher risk for divorce. So the reasons cohabiting couples divorced probably wasn't related to the Cohabitation but related to the fact that they were unable to navigate communication, trust and respect issues; a foundation that everyone knows is intrinsic to any good relationship. Counseling is an asset to any serious relationship.
  

The group also went into the whole Sex Before Marriage thing (which is a post for another day *roll-eyes*).

So what do you think about Cohabitation? Would you ever do it? Have you done it? What has happened in your relationship when you shacked up? Was it worse, better or about the same. Do dish.

Labels: Girl Talk, Relationship issues

Posted by Vixen @ 4:21 AM :: 9 trainees letting it rip!

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Wednesday, February 04, 2009

When You Can't Find a Decent Boyfriend in College

Vixen please shed some light on my hopeless situation. I am a 20 year old sistah in college whom is beautiful and independent. But for some strange reason i attract men whom are already in relationships. It's like i have the phrase "Play me" written on my forehead. Every time I think I've found the right man. He either has a girlfriend on the side or is totally immature. Why me??? My friends told me to shake it off and go fishing again. But my bait is reeling in the wrong catch of the day. Why is it so hard to find a real single mature man in the world?

Okay sweets, I don't know exactly where you are looking for these guys, but something in your MO is not working. The common denominator in all these relationships is you, so yes, there is something wrong. Where do you meet them? What attracts you? Are you going after the Bad Boy type?

Why are you so pressured to have a guy anyway? You are in college, enjoy the experience of getting to know yourself, developing life skills and getting into a profession. Your goals should be focused internally on working on you and not in getting a guy.

You described yourself as beautiful and independent...but right now, you don't sound very independent. An independent woman doesn't need a man to define her, she realizes that having a man is just the cherry on the top of an already delicious cake. An independent woman has alot going for her already, a social life, friends, activities, a great job and career goals. See where I'm going with this?

Guys in college are um...immature! They are still discovering themselves as well. They haven't become the full version of a man yet, so you are stuck in transition with a bunch of boys tryna be men. Is that the kind of person you want to be with?

The guy that is right for you will come, when the time is right...(that's what my mom always told me when I was stressing out about being single when younger!)

What's wrong with being single in college? Focus on your studies, figure out what you want in life, what kind of guy you want in your future and have fun. Release this pressure or expectation of having a boyfriend----it's really not all that it's cracked up to be unless it's the right person. It will happen when it happens. And you will be delightfully surprised.

I get it, all your friends are hooking up, having boyfriends and you want one too. But rushing into all the wrong relationships for all the wrong reasons is just going to leave you bitter, jaded and heartbroken in the end. In some cases, too baggage filled to even realize when a great guy lands in your lap.

Relax...take it easy. Your time will come.

Labels: Ask Vixen, Dating

Posted by Vixen @ 2:47 PM :: 4 trainees letting it rip!

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