Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Loving Again after Heartbreak

I am writing because I have reached a point of absolute disappointment with men. I just turned 24. I have loved once before and had my heart shitted on. He was my first everything. I get hit on all the time, flirted with, followed but the irony is I feel so alone because none of the men that hit on me or the ones I meet ever seem to get very far. It's now 3 years post break up and no still no real relationship. Just a series of meaningless dates. I am starting to think the problem is me, but I have friends that tell me, you are smart, pretty, you have a good job. Vixen, I really have worked hard and I just don't understand what I'm doing wrong.

If I were to try to put a nail on what I think it is - I think I'm not patient. I don't have that patience it takes to get to that level of falling in love. Also I'm an overachiever even with the man I want. I just want him to bring just as much as I do to the table - a decent job for example or maybe a college degree for example. I just think I'm expecting love at first sight.

I want to take another shot at love and love bigger than I did the first time. I just want someone I am genuinely interested in and that is crazy about me as well. I want to have a constant source of intimacy, someone to cuddle with and watch a movie, I want to cook for him, plan a romantic vacation. Please help me understand what I'm missing..

Dear Anonymous

For starters you have set reasonable expectations. In other words, you want a man that has something going on for himself, that has a job and a career. You want your partner to be ambitious and hardworking; just like you. Let me commend you on using words like Educated, Hardworking, rational, etc. These are all logical expectations. You would be surprised the amount of women who are looking for "Great sex partner, washboard abs, drop dead gorgeous and rich" men. *roll-eyes*

The only stumbling block to your future happiness is yourself and your mindset. You are letting the past dictate the future and psyching yourself out of a true relationship before you even get there. I understand the philosophy of 'once bitten twice shy'...but that doesn't mean that you have to go all the way out of the dating pool and cloister yourself off in the nunnery for crying out loud!

What happened three years ago happens to every single woman I know. At some point you will fall heart and head over heels for someone. At some point they will hurt you immeasurably. It is how you deal with the hurt that dictates the level of happiness you will experience in the future. Case in point: I know a lady who dated a guy for 4 years, was proposed to only to find out a month after she accepted (and on her birthday) that he had married another woman that morning. How do you come out of that and then learn to trust again?

I'm sure that in the last 3 years you've gotten hit on, had numbers exchanged and possibly even chatted up a couple of guys here and there. But you have never taken the next step into committing, and I think this is because you are still harboring some of the pain of your previous relationship.

So, my advice to you is simple...let go of the pain. The fact that you mentioned it means that it is still there. Until you let go of the pain you cannot embrace and be in a meaningful relationship. You are expecting a man to bring all to the table, when the most important part of you (your heart) is still wrapped up in the chains of the past. ...Unlock the chains, face the hurt and pain, and move on! You sound like a smart person...I know you can do it! So go for it! Open yourself up fully to the possibilities of the universe and to love. It will come to you----but only if you let it.

Labels: Ask Vixen, Dating, Girl Talk, Office Drama

Posted by Vixen @ 5:05 PM :: 5 trainees letting it rip!

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