Friday, April 17, 2009
Answer to Rebound Girl
Okay this is the abbreviated version of yesterday's emotional saga. If you want to read it in it's entirety, just check out the previous post!Question: I'm the rebound girl hopelessly in love with a guy that is back with his ex-girlfriend. We tried to be friends but it's hurting me more. I'm still in love with him and want him to come back to me. I don't know what to do...
Wow! That is a lot of drama for a freshman girl! It makes me wonder when you get time to study. Why are you wasting your time on this guy? What is it about you that makes you feel that this is the best you can do?
The whole time I was reading your message I kept thinking, this girl needs to empower herself. Get some perspective. You are FRESHMAN IN COLLEGE! You are young and beautiful and healthy and you will have other men that will come around and break your heart but then you will have those that you yourself will break their hearts.
This is not the time in your life to be pandering after someone else's used
products. He's obviously still in love with his ex/girlfriend. He is with the woman that he really wants...and you? You're the ego boost. I'm not sure what drew you in, his neediness or his aloofness, but one thing for sure is that you need to think about what it is about you that attracts you to these kind of men. You also need to evaluate your sense of self worth.
What I would suggest is to turn off your phone when he calls you, don't respond to emails or text messages. It will be hard at first but over time you will get better at it. Then move on with your life. Explore and enjoy being single and sexy. Hang out with your girls more and get pampered. Make some new friends and buckle down in school. Avoid the drama that this man is clouding your life with. Enjoy being single and young. These are the best times of your life!
Once you leave college, you are out in the real world, where you have to worry about 401Ks, mortgages, kids and of course men! Don't squander these precious moments of living la vida libero loca
(the crazy free life) on some guy...enjoy it with people that matter and are worth it. He is definitely not worth it. He likes the emotional ego boost you give him, the drama, and of course the fact that you are fighting over him. He is old enough to know how to play you and you are just a pawn on his chess board.
Listen to your friends and fam, he totally is not worth it.
Further reading: On Being the Rebound Girl
Posted by Vixen @ 8:36 AM ::
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Thursday, April 16, 2009
Rebound Girl Drama...the Long Version
I'm a freshman in college and I have never had a boyfriend and I am still a virgin. I've been "together" with guys before, but my relationships never last more then three months. I've recently realized that I am always the rebound or the girl on the side. But anyway your advice I will truly take to heart and I would extremely appreciate it.
I'll make this short, his girlfriend of 3 years broke up with him for another man just before i met him. He was extremely upset but told me he wanted nothing to do with her. We got close, i grew strong feelings for him, he told me he had strong feelings for me too but he just didn't want a relationship right away because he just got out of a 3 year one. 3 months pass and we're still "together". Then his ex-girlfriends new boyfriend dumps her and she runs back to him begging him to take her back. They start texting and hanging out again and he swears to me that its only on a friend basis and that he still liked20me.
Well a week later after telling me that, they get back together. I was heartbroken, i spent 3 months with him and trusted him enough to grow feelings for him. Out of absolute rage i text him when i found put he was going back out with his ex. He keeps on saying how they are already fighting and that he still likes me but doesn't think it would work out between us and he apologizes. I was so upset. He wanted to be friends, so i try to be friendly with him. But its hard for me because i couldn't let go of my feelings for him. So i try to explain to him how he has to keep his distance from me because i wanted to lose all my feelings for him. We still hung out and went to shows together, and then i realized how i was hurting myself because i still thought of him being together with me. He knew not to talk about his girlfriend around me.
This past Saturday i was in an extremely bitchy mood about the whole situation, him and his friends and I were hanging out. And i was driving them around and I told them how i was tired and wanted to go home. So he asks me to drive him to his girlfriends house. And I told him to walk, it was only three blocks away and drizzling out, but he had a jacket. He gets all pissed off walks away and throws something at my car and calls me a c*nt. I run over to him and tell him to never disrespect me like that. We start screaming at each other and i tell him how he deserves to walk in the rain after what he did to me. He tells me that he never wanted to hurt me, but when he got the chance to have the love of his life back he took it. And i told him that if he cared about me, he wouldn't of did that to me. Then he goes on to explain how he still likes me in more then a friend way and how they fight, and how he doesn't know why he is gong back out with her. And i tell him how i cant do this anymore, i tell him that we cannot be friends.
Now today I get a text message from him asking if were still going to the show together this Saturday because I told him how i didn't want to be friends with him. And i told him yeah, and i have him this long emotional text message on how i just said that because i didn't want to like him anymore and how i freaked out when he said he liked me, and his response was "uhhh..ok" and i got pissed yet again.
We argue again about the previous Saturday and he tells me how he doesn't like me anymore because i really pissed him off Saturday. And to my surprise i get actually upset and i apologize to him. So obviously I still want him. I dont know what to do, my mom and friends tell me to get rid of him, that he doesn't deserve me. But its so hard. Deep down i hope they break up again so me and him can get back together. But i don't want to be that girl. And were both friends with the same friends so no matter what I'm going to see him and i might actually get a job at where he works. I don't know what to do, i need your advice. Thank you if you take the time out to read this, i really truly appreciate it.
Labels: Ask Vixen, Break Ups, Relationship issues
Posted by Vixen @ 8:41 AM ::
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Sunday, April 05, 2009
Introducing Your Man to Your Family
I've had all kinds of episodes with meeting families or introducing a guy I was dating to my family. Here are some tips that will help steer you in the right direction.
- Don't bring him to a funeral...or wedding without meeting your family first. If it's a funeral, everyone will be sad and mournful, and it's not a conducive place for a meet. At a wedding, everyone will attach a greater significance to the relationship, and the WHOLE family will always ask about "that lovely young man you brought to Matt & Elsa's wedding", even years after you've broken up.
- Talk him up first. Talk to your family about this guy, things he's done, why he's sweet, how he courted you, why you like him, etc. so that they are used to hearing about him. It will make them curious to see him in the flesh and they might actually arrange the meet.Avoid telling them about the problems in your relationship, anything you say will color their view, so color him lovely.
- Don't introduce him to your family in an attempt to get him to marry you: Now that's awkward! Remember all those family dinners on the Bachelor, how farced they are...stay away. Just stay away.
- Have him meet close friends/siblings/other relatives first. That way he will have a support system when he does meet your parents. Remember though, good news travels fast, but bad news even faster. If he belches/farts at Aunt Helena's table, your parents will hear of it and think he's a pig before even meeting them!
- Introduce him as "the man I'm with". This suggests a level of committment and yet is broad enough that you can get away without going into the details of your relationship or your family asking him his intentions.
- Dress him right. Presentation is key. I'm not saying go all out with a suit, but an nice button up shirt, tucked in and a clean pair of jeans goes a long way. Remember, your parents are from the 'old school' so ass-level jeans, flashy jewelry, tattoos on display and studs all over his face will do more harm than good.
- Let him be himself. Do tell him what topics to stay away from, who the major players at the table are, and family undercurrents; but don't sit at his elbow whispering to him what to say. You're with a smart, honest, intelligent, funny guy--- just sit back after introductions and watch him shine. Remember, he's trying to impress you as well as your family, so watch how he interacts with everyone from Grandma Jane to household pets.
- Be helpful: Even if your mom is not going to take him up on it, offering to set up, clear up, get drinks or do the dishes give him a nice shine. I have a mother of an ex that is still haranguing him for not marrying, "that wonderful girl that washed all the dishes on Thanksgiving."
- Keep it short and sweet: The first visit is not supposed to be a long drawn out Inquisition party. It's just a formal introduction. I met Norio's dad for tea one evening, and that only took a couple of hours. The longer you are there, the more time you have for someone to say something wrong, someone to get drunk or some skeletons to jump out of the closet.
- Don't makeout: Pecks are fine but please, no PDA in front of the parentals. This includes anything that should be best left to your bedroom including ass slapping/pinching, French kissing, sex and grabbing of genitalia.
Labels: Relationship issues
Posted by Vixen @ 1:20 AM ::
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Saturday, April 04, 2009
Introducing My Man to My Fam
Reflecting back on past experiences and relationships has made me really think about things that went right and wrong. I've been in a few relationships even a fairly long term one, but I have never introduced any of the guys I dated to my parents. I genuinely cared for the guys but I never knew how to go about doing that. I always felt like the entire experience would be really awkward and commitment wise it seems like a huge step. How did you introduce Norio to your family? Was the interracial aspect something that was a topic of concern? Did you ever introduce any of your past relationships to family? How did you know that it was the right time and step?
Here's a topic I've never covered, thanks for the question M.
There is alot of significance into introducing your partner to one's family. I can understand where your trepidation comes from and why it could potentially be an awkward event. Some families don't even bother to try and meet until the guy drops a ring on your finger!
Personally, my family has always been open to meeting people. My sisters have been bringing 'friends' home since high school, and my dad has been effectively cowering each one with his grufness (which is so funny, cos my dad is a total teddy bear, my mom is the one you should be worried about)!! I'm Nigerian, so my culture mandates this whole investigative process into the origins of the guy to determine his suitability before committment. It's a dual thing---I was once quizzed by the mother of my boyfriend if I had any diseases or madness in my family...that's how deep they go into the exploration!
Hence, I've introduced almost every single guy that I've ever knew, dated, crushed on or loved one way or another to my family. The only persons that never got the intro were the booty calls. Can you imagine saying, "Hi mom and dad this is my fuck buddy"...now that's awkward!
The level of significance attached to each person just depended on how into them I was at the time. I have always talked about my 'boyfriend' to my family, we're just real open like that. I'm closer to my mom and share certain details with her that I would never in a million lifetimes tell my dad, but they both have a sense of the guy and where the relationship is headed, at least from my perspective. As much as I hate it when they are right, they do have an uncanny sense into the ones that are totally all wrong for me and usually have warned me to watch out months before I notice the red flags!
Since my parents live in Nigeria and only visit in the US 1-2 times a year, and I used to go through boyfriends with a 6 month shelf life, most of the relationships didn't last long enough to meet my parents. Meeting my parents became a step of convenience rather than a mandatory one in a relationship. A few did however, and each maneouver just depended on who he was and how important he was to me at the time. There was no milestone, I just did it when it felt right, sounds cliche, yeah I know! Usually it depended on how I felt towards him, if we were in a monogamous, committed relationship and if I thought that he could possibly be in my future.
For example, take my first love. I met him in August, my first semester in college. My family knew of him when I went home for thanksgiving break and he called my parents to say hello on Christmas. He's Nigerian, there was no divide to cross, whenever my parents run into him now at social functions, it's still very cordial (and no, I didn't give my parents the dastardly details of how my heart got broken!).
The first non-Nigerian I introduced to my parents was African-American..once again, little steps. He met my dad after we'd been together for 6 months, and it was a big deal for the guy. My dad actually did the whole "break her heart, I'll break your legs" bit, which totally turned my boyfriend into jellyfish but had me laughing on the inside. It was a short visit, actually less than an hour, so there wasn't that much finagling to go on.
The first non-black I introduced to my mom was Norio, and this did have a bit more worry on my part. We had been dating for 9 months at that time. I had been talking about him to my fam for a while, he had met my aunt and uncle and totally hit it off with them, but I had the feeling that my parents would freak out because of his heritage. I actually schemed with my aunt and broke the ice first by having my mom watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding earlier that afternoon. All my worry was for naught because Norio was wonderful, and by the end of the visit, my mom and Norio were side by side on the sofa talking like they had known each other for a lifetime. They get along splendidly everytime she comes to the US.
Now my dad...I'm still on tenterhooks for that one. It's going to be in June when I go with Norio to Nigeria, Norio is going to be doing the whole official 'ask-the-father-for her hand in marriage' schtick.....I'll be sure to let you know how that goes.
Labels: Relationship issues
Posted by Vixen @ 12:18 AM ::
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