Bad Girl's Guide

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Men & Porn pt 1

Almost every single guy on God's green earth has been exposed one time or another to porn. Show me a guy that doesn't like porn and I'll show you a guy that's a flat out liar, has been many a phrase uttered by a jaded woman. Most of them like it, and some even take multiple and regular forays down this avenue. I'm sure you've heard of stories where the guy can't orgasm unless a snuff film is playing, or guys who jack off while on internet porn sites. It's a billion dollar industry for a reason--the demand is there.

Now don't get me wrong, I have no problem whatsoever with it. I've even been known to watch a few snuff PORN films myself. But besides the voyeuristic tendency that draws most viewers, what is it that makes it to some more important than sex? This is a question that we all wonder...."What is it with men and their fascination with porn?"

There is a huge dissension among the ranks of feminism who state the porn is demeaning and objectifies women. This argument is one I prefer not to get into. The Mistress had some thoughts on it that broadened my original view:
"Porn Stars and prostitutes may be degrading themselves by the choices they make, but them being hoes and porn chicks has no detrimental affect on ME as a woman, nor are all women adversely affected by their choices. We need to cut the double standards. A man in a porn flick isn't "setting the progress of all men back" and a woman in a porn flick isn't "setting the progress of all women back". It's entertainment. She's getting paid to entertain and this is a choice she has made for herself. An adult woman is responsible for her own semblance of self respect and she is solely responsible for keeping herself out of degrading situations. If she's degraded by what she does, she needs to remove herself from it. She's not a victim, in my eyes...." Read her full post on it HERE, click on it, it's pretty good stuff!
Dr. Annie is crafting a survey on a woman's views on pornography. What questions do you think should be on the survey? Check out her post HERE.

In fact, if your boyfriend idolizes porn stars, does this make you feel inadequate/insecure in anyway?

This is one of those questions where I think we need a guys perspective. Please, illuminate us on what the big deal is about porn.

Your thoughts?

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Tuesday, August 29, 2006

How Do You Get Your Way?

This is one of those weeks where I'm swamped with a bajillion things and barely have the focus to actually sit down and write a good blog post. So, I'm asking my wonderful readers for some input here.

Keep in mind that if you are in a good relationship, then both parties will want what is best for the other person in most situations as well as what is good for the sake of the relationship. However, sometimes both of you cannot come to an amicable compromise on an issue and you reach a stalemate. So here's the question:
With the guy/previous guys in your life, what methods have proven most effective in garnering what you desire?

Do you try the subtle forms of charm, flirting, ego-boosting, making them think it was their idea or playing the damsel-in-distress card?

Do you use trickery & bribery, or offer rewards for getting your way?

Or are you more of the brazen, commanding, ballsy, I wear the pants in this relationship so do what the hell I tell you before I kick your ass vibe?

Do you argue, explain, patronize, criticize or rationalize using logic and clear facts (and sometimes just sheer bullheadedness) to get your way?

Or perhaps the issuing of ultimatums, guilt trips, with-holding sex and using others (like children) as a tool of manipulation on your chess board is more your forte?

Perhaps it's a combination of these. Or different ones for different situations. I want to hear your stories. Anonymously if you like:)

Do share.

PS: I know you guys are going to be asking me what techniques I use. Let's just say, currently, it's a combination of brilliant debating; brazen, ballsy 'I know what I want' Vixen; mixed with a little ego boosting. If things are really going the wrong way and no hope is in sight for getting my way....then I might have to actually resort to some obvious seduction coercion;)

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Friday, August 25, 2006



This is slightly related to the other topic. And yet....oh so funnier!

Posted by Vixen @ 11:51 PM :: 5 trainees letting it rip!

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Sex Drive Diminishes With Security

A study done in Germany by researchers of the Hamburg-Eppendorf University interviewed 530 men & women aged over 30 and found out that women's sex drive decrease significantly once they have been in a relationship for more than 4 years.

No way dude! Was my first reaction when I read the article. Sure I'm not over 30 nor have been in a relationship for greater than four years, but I do have some very strong plans to still be regularly knocking boots when I'm waaaaay over that age/time frame in my current relationship. "They found 60% of 30-year-old women wanted sex "often" at the beginning of a relationship, but within four years of the relationship this figure fell to under 50%, and after 20 years it dropped to about 20%."

However about 80% of guys still want regular sex well after that point. Of course.

I'm highly skeptical about this. First of all, I think their pool of research was slightly skewed, I mean, did they ask any 20-somethings who have been in long term relationships? And doesn't this directly counteract the theory that women peak sexually in their 40s? Besides, what makes German ladies big ol' freaks in the bedroom anyway? They should have interviewed some straight up sex lovers like me.

"The rational for why a woman's sex drive declines may be down to supply and demand. If something is in infinite supply, the perceived value would drop," said one of the researchers. I disagree with that. It should read something like, "if the supply isn't as good as it was earlier in the relationship, then the demand will drop."

After all, isn't it after a few kids that some guys will start to develop all kinds of tendres for other younger women? Trust me, if I think you are screwing the secretary, there is no way I'm going to want to sleep with you anyway. Throw in the proverbial "mid-life crises", where guys try to relive their youth and you have a recipe for rejection and disaster. I think the fault must like somewhere in the male domain. After all, they need Viagra to get jiggy with it after a certain age, and some claim to lose attraction for the beautiful female form that has nursed and given birth to all their friggin' kids and want something younger and more supple.

I think I'm going to conduct my own study....just to disprove them. I need some volunteers that have been in relationships longer than four years. Is it true that security and commitment diminishes your sex drive? Or could it be that other facets like children, work, bills etc. get in the way and couples have less time to spend canoodling than they did in the past?

What are your thoughts?

Read the full article HERE.

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Wednesday, August 23, 2006

There Are No Good Guys to Date!

I had a conversation with a friend the other day. She was complaining to me that she wanted a boyfriend but couldn’t find one. “Have you been looking?” I asked.

“Yes, but none of the guys here fit my criteria. They are either of Spanish origins, under-educated (she has a Master’s), non Christian, have a baby, too old for me, too young for me, not attractive to me, too short, don’t have their own car, not intelligent enough or still live with their mothers,” she responded.

I found a hard time believing her. There cannot be something wrong with every single guy in Miami. It’s frickin’ Florida!! The sun shines all the time and all those buff, tanned bodies are just walking around waiting to get picked up. Of course, we have totally opposite ways of looking at it.

No matter where I’ve lived, from a village with only 2 stoplights, to a metropolitan city whose male populance is predominantly gay, I’ve found a dating pool that soon had me juggling dates. There is no such thing as a city with no date-able men. Nada! It’s just an excuse created by women who have either given up searching or haven’t even dated at all. Do you expect Mr. Right to just plop into your lap while you are at home eating Bonbons?

I’ve always been a big believer in having a Master List. But when your Master List rules out 99.9% of the male populance, please don’t complain to me that you are having a hard time meeting men. ‘Nuff said.

You cannot meet the guy that’s right for you if you don’t put yourself out there. You cannot put yourself out there if you don’t date. You cannot date if you keep rejecting every single guy that asks you out. I’m not saying date every Tom, Dick and Harry—but at least, cut these guys a little slack. Have a coffee date at least, you never know, you might hit it off!

Your thoughts?

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Monday, August 21, 2006

Why Get Married, pt 2

Wow, there were ALOT of responses on the last post "Why Get Married?". If you haven't yet go ahead and read the comments on there. I didn't realise until I read most of your comments that alot of women in our day & age actually feel the same way I do. I agree, marriage does not automatically increase your level of commitment, especially in the disposable society we live in today. The saying, "Marry in haste, repent in leisure," is apt and does apply to alot of those shotgun weddings.

We've all heard stories of couples that have been together for several years, and then as soon as they tie the knot they end up breaking up. Or couples that marry within a few weeks/months of knowing each other and then...surprise, they are kaput a few short months/years later. Sure, the bad stories get the most airtime but isn't this a scenario that we all have heard about?

If the foundation of a solid relationship is not there, the relationship will not work out irregardless of your marital status. Marriage doesn't add the "holy blessing" to a sucky relationship to hold it together. Without a good foundation, it will just crumble like a stack of cards. In addition, every marriage, like every relationship has it's ups and downs. It's the strength of your bond that will eventually tide you through those rough times that illness, pain, betrayal, layoffs, midlife crises, death in the family, children and fate might bring.

Bear in mind there's also the whole thing of people changing with time. If you don't really know yourself, or are still in a "growing/finding yourself" stage, then it would seem ludicrous to promise forever when you know that you aren't guaranteed to remain the same forever.

At the same time, I do value the institution of marriage, as traditional as it may be. Even though marriage has gotten a bad rap in the last few decades (especially in Hollywood), I know that there is alot of credence to the values that the institution of marriage was built on. If and when I do decide to tie the knot, I want to be married decades down the future....as in the whole until death do us part....like Teri's parents and mine.

However, is it the whole finality of marriage that causes many of our generation to freak out about it? The fact that you are pretty much stuck with this guy and his stinky feet for the rest of your natural life barring divorce that causes us to shy away from it? Is it because our generation is Commitment-Phobic by nature and the whole 'forever' bit seems so...damn long?

Are we scared of tying the knot because in our heart of hearts, we want that Out clause a long term committed relationship comes with even though we might never use it?

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this one. Lots of question marks here!

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Friday, August 18, 2006

Why Get Married?

My mother got married when she turned 25. My grandmother when she was 20. However, here I am, way past my mom’s age and not even thinking about marriage. Why is it that couples and singles of our generation are foregoing marriage for cohabitation and long term relationships?

The institution of marriage was always one that was hyped from the moment you realised that boys were cool too. As kids I remember playing dress up and thinking of my wedding day with high hopes of getting hitched in my 20s. However, the closer I get to 30, the more I’m thinking that there isn’t a rush.

With the high and ever increasing divorce rates, marriage doesn’t seem like such a blissful happily ever after state. 50% of marriages now end in divorce. Fifty percent! And that number is still on the rise. No wonder Quarterlifers are scared of the altar.

In addition to that, our civilization has given us the tools to simulate married life without the “till death do us part” section. Couples can have bank accounts together, buy houses together, live together, all without even a trip to the altar. The convenience of cohabitation is there as well as the thought that in the back of our minds, if things don’t work out, we can always pack up and leave–no fuss, no muss.

Add to that our generation is living a more independent lifestyle than previous generations. Women are making big bucks, getting promotions and are able to adopt children/get pregnant without a man even in the mix. This also detracts from the draw of the wedded state.

There is also so much that we want to do as independents…travel, move cross country, get a post-graduate degrees, start-up our own business and just live carefree lives without adding the whole responsibility of someone else on our hands.

We know just from watching TV & our parent’s generation that marriage isn’t easy. But somehow, the other 50% who aren’t divorced manage to make it work.

Perhaps there’s hope for us after all.

Your thoughts?

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Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Dealing with His Ex

Most people when they break-up, depart and go their separate ways. However once in a while, you might come across a guy that still has his ex-girlfriend/ex-wife in the picture. There can be several reasons for this---it could be that she's his baby mama; they work together or live in the same place. Personally I try to avoid dating men with even a hint of their ex in the picture, however sometimes it could be unavoidable.

A guy will usually tell you up front if his ex is still in his life. When he does talk to you about it, listen to what he has to say in its entirety. Ask questions as to why they still have a relationship post-breakup, if he has feelings for her and ask him when was the last time he slept with her (you know you want to know!) Don’t be shy or put it off. It’s very important to know every single thing about their past & current relationship. This is not when you fly into a jealous rage! That will solve nothing. This is the time when you assess your relationship as well as what he’s telling you. Red flags to watch out for: if he talks about her too much, walks out of the room while he’s talking to her on the phone, gets calls from her past decent hours, makes plans to see her on pseudo-dates, spends the night at her place etc. If he’s up front and honest with you, candidly explaining everything and not hiding any facet of the relationship, then you move on to the next step.

For starters, you have to be sure the guy is worth putting up with the potential drama and possible heartache that's coming your way. Honestly---he has to be worth his weight in gold. He has to be so good to you, so perfect for you, and treat you so well that he's worth fighting for. Through the course of your relationship, he's actually consistently shown you that he's a great guy. Why all this? Because truthfully babe, you don’t want to get played. It's hard enough dealing with the drama without the added possibility that he's a total jerk, lying man-whore & cheat that's emotionally unavailable with no long term relationship potential to boot. So, your first question to yourself should be...is he worth it? If not, save yourself the possible future angst and end the relationship. If you truly feel that he's worth it, buckle in for the ride sweets, it's going to be a rocky one.

Now that you’ve assured yourself that he’s worth it…the next question to ask is: Do you trust him? Do you trust that he’s telling you the truth when he says that they are really over? Do you trust that you aren’t the Rebound Woman? Do you trust that you two lovebirds really have a future together? Do you trust that he still doesn’t have feelings for her---or isn’t still attracted/sleeping with her? Do you trust that he can soothe your hurt feelings? Are you really secure in the status of your relationship? Trust is very important; it’s one of the elements that’s going to help your relationship stand the test of having his Ex around.

Keep in mind, his ex is his former flame, the woman who originally had his heart (or at least his cock). For some reason, the relationship didn't work out and when relationships go sour, they usually end quite bitterly. He might tell you all kinds of stories about his ex and how awful she was/is to him but take it with a grain of salt. Remember, there are always 3 sides to every story...his, hers and the real truth which is somewhere in between. Both sides of the party are responsible for the split and reasons why the union didn't work, so don't automatically cast her out to be the evil witch. I've heard of situations where the guys are always bad-mouthing their exes (usually to make themselves look better), only to find out in the end that he was actually the one that did her dirty. So seek out the truth as much as you can, because only the truth can really open your eyes to what the real dynamic is with their current relationship.

Acknowledge the truth to yourself as well. You are very displeased by her continual presence in your lives. To you, she’s like the irritating rash that keeps coming back. If you could have it your way, she would totally disintegrate both in memory and form the moment you started dating him. You’re not happy one iota of having her around. You have every right to feel as you do and your emotions are very valid. Don’t push them into the background to cater to his situation. Communicate and express them quite vocally to your man. However, don’t let her presence ruin your relationship.

Another point is that 95% of the time, his ex isn't going to like you. You’re the gorgeous babe who has her former man; hence you are a man-stealer. I know, it doesn’t make sense, but when has a scorned woman ever been logical? If she’s frank with herself, she probably still has feelings for him. After all, when you break up with someone, those intense feelings you have don’t die off instantly. Perhaps she thinks that in the future they might get back together and you are blocking that. Perhaps she’s from the school of thought that “if I can’t have him, no one can.” Mayhap he didn’t even observe the mourning period before he started dating you and that’s pissing her off as well. Whichever way, you are in the way. I know it doesn’t make sense, how women seek to destroy each other instead of banding together, but that’s one of the flaws of our race. So don’t think that she is going to be your new best friend. At best, she’ll be cordial (in which case you are lucky). At worst, she’ll be a crazy ass bitch (in which case you…are so not lucky;)

Moving right along, the best policy with an Ex in the mix is to adopt a hands-off policy. She’s not your baggage, not your problem; so deal with her a little as possible. I’m sure you think the more she sees you the quicker she’ll get used to you, but honey…that is so not the case! The more she interacts with you, the more provoked she’ll get. Especially if it’s obvious that he’s happier with you than he ever was with her. If she’s vengeful, she’ll keep flirting with him and trying to get him back in her bed, if only to prove to you that she still has power over him. If she’s vindictive, instead of taking her anger directly on him (where it rightly belongs), she will attack you. She might make fun of you, give you awful nicknames, gossip or make scathing comments/judgments both in your face and behind your back. It’s a twisted effort to make him unhappy, because if you are upset---then he’s miserable. Unfortunately, it does work with weaker women, so you have got to develop a thicker skin. Take her ribs and insults with a sense of humor. Laugh it off! Ignore her antics as best as you can. Don’t engage her because that will have you stooping to her level. She’s trying to prove to him that you aren’t better than her, so getting you to act crazy will solidify her point.

Conversely, don’t interact with her on a social level at all unless you absolutely have to. Spend the holidays with your family so he can spend his with his kids and not feel guilty. Encourage your guy to change his situation as soon as feasible (switch jobs, move to a new place etc.) to further take her out of the picture. Avoid running into her as much as possible. Find new haunts, restaurants & bars that you both can enjoy together so she won’t be all up in your space.

For privacy’s sake, don’t give her any ammunition about you or your relationship. Don’t tell her anything important that doesn’t have to do with her and have your man keep his lips sealed too. Operate on a need to know policy. She doesn’t need to know anything about you; your full name, your family history, school you went to, where you work or what you like to do for fun. Because the more she knows, the more power you give her to manipulate the both of you. Less is better. Remember, children have the ability to repeat what they hear and sometimes not even accurately. So keep your lips mum when his kids are around as well.

If you do have to mingle with her, be nice. It might be grating to be polite to your boyfriend’s ex, but trading insults with her is going to get you nowhere. Have you ever tried a particular blend of saccharine sweetness that is so nice that everyone around you becomes mildly amused? That’s how nice you might have to get. The bitchier she gets---the nicer you become. Sure it’s an act, but giving her anything other than that gives her power over your emotions. She already has power over your boyfriend, his check book and his kids; so don’t succumb to letting her control you as well. Own your emotions and tightly leash them under a mask of amicability and humor. Maintain a stoic mask of indifference. Act like you couldn’t care less about her antics. That gives you the high ground and leaves her feeling confused as to how to deal with you.

I know it seems like I’m giving you advice to bend over backwards to accommodate his ex, but honestly, this is the best course of action. Remember, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and the instant you took up with him, all her fury will be directed to you. So avoidance is the best way to keep yourself out of the drama.

Your thoughts?

Other reading:
Dealing With Baby Mama Drama
The Rebound Woman

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Monday, August 14, 2006

Erotic Messages

Being a lover of the written word, I have found erotic messages a wonderful & creative activity that adds more zing to one’s love life. It doesn’t have to be anything grandiose like some Shakespeare sonnet, just a few words expressing how your lover makes you feel, that you are thinking about him and that you want him.

Guys are highly imaginative and can read between the lines and create a visual of even the most innocent sentences strung together. A quick text message at work, like “I can’t wait to see you tonight” is enough to have him fantasizing all day about seeing you as well. Of course, it’s always great to add a little spice by telling him all kinds of naughty things, what you are wearing (and sometimes NOT even wearing).

Imagine sitting in a stuffy office getting hassled by your boss and your phone buzzes. Upon checking it, it’s a nice little message from your love telling you that she/he misses you and can’t wait to see you again. It’s amazing how just a sentence like that can revert the whole aura of one’s day.

For those of you more into writing, feel free to express yourself in poetry, an erotic story, description of a dream/fantasy you had or even a love letter. Of course you can never go wrong with a cheesy Hallmark card (think something from the Personal Expressions line). For more ideas, do a web search or try LovingYou.com. It’s one of my favorite romantic sites.

There are so many ways to say I love you that you should always seek the opportunity to do so. Because at the end of the day, that’s really all that matters.

Your thoughts?

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Saturday, August 12, 2006

Should You Always Wait to Have Sex?

In reading July’s issue of Cosmopolitan, there was an article that caught my eye. Adapted from the book Everything You Know About Love and Sex is Wrong, the author Pepper Schwartz stated that even though the general consensus is that women should wait until at least the third date to have sex, there has been a dramatic shift in that paradigm.

She stated 3 reasons that it might not be feasible to wait and went on to say that we should just…”go for it.”

  1. The Moment Might Be Perfect: The example given was meeting someone who was flying out of town the next day. I do agree with this reason, however, it is wrong to assume that a fleeting sexual encounter, no matter how steamy it is will lead to a relationship.
  2. Some Men Won’t Open Up Unless it’s Sexual: Ummmm, do you really want a guy that can only open up because of sex anyway? Sure, pillow talk is great but the feelings expressed then are mostly because you are both high off the Love Train. Is it really trustworthy if there isn’t a relationship of sorts first?
  3. It Can Lead More Quickly to Intimacy: Pepper states that sex is the answer to finding out if the relationship is worth your time investing. This point irks me more than the others mainly because the intimacy based on this premise is fake/simulated intimacy (see above). In addition, even though I think sex is important in the evaluation of a relationship, it shouldn’t be the single measuring stick. Great sex does NOT equal great love.

Ladies, please don’t fall for this theory. There is nothing wrong with waiting for sex. Remember free love costs waaaay too much. In addition, once we add sex to the mix we start having all these intensely sexual feelings that tend to really color our judgement of the man’s character, integrity and morals.

Your thoughts?

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Thursday, August 10, 2006

Tips on Role Playing

My boyfriend and I enjoy a great deal of fun and freaky when it comes to the bedroom. But he wants me to be more aggressive. I generate more than my share of first moves and first ideas, so this is a challenge. Especially since I'm not naturally aggressive, although I'm quite assertive. After a year, it gets harder and harder to come up with something new. He's easy to please, and likes anything at all that I come up with. Now I'd like to suggest some role playing, but have no idea where to start on that. This is entirely new to me, so I wanna start small. Any help?

For starters keep in mind that once you've opened the door to fantasies and role-playing, you have opened the door to a whole new dimension in the boudoir. You are opening the door to sharing your sexual fantasies, which will open your sexuality to new dimensions that you never thought possible and will unleash all kinds of characters. Yes I did say characters!

The key to role-playing is to get into character. As in, if he wants you to be the naughty schoolgirl, you will play that part to the hilt. This is when you give yourself to the character--- what would the naughty schoolgirl do in this situation? What would the sexy nurse do? It's no longer, what would Vixen do---but more, what would the character do. You have to give yourself over totally to the character, talk like her, use her phrases, try out some sultry looks that she would give. Take her attitude, her demeanor as well as her look.

Be sure to talk to him first about what his fantasies are. He gives you the skit, and you turn it into a movie. Bear in mind that for beginners, it's better like you said to start slow. Don't break out the hardcore whips & chains dominatrix on the first outing into roleplaying. That might totally scare him off! Conversely there are some fantasies that you have to keep to yourself, like if you've ever envisioned fucking any member of his family or one of his friends or any of your exes. There is no way your guy would ever be comfortable with that!

Another point is to approach this with a good sense of humor. After all, it's supposed to be fun! You have to be happy with whatever role that you've chosen. There are some really powerful female roles out there if you want to take the reins of the encounter. For example the business woman interwiewer, a dominatrix, the stripper, Superwoman, the pool boy's boss etc. Conversely, there are submissive ones as well like the love slave, school girl, courtesan etc. Be sure that you are comfortable with your character and will enjoy it. That way, you won't get all pissy when he commands his love slave to give him head.

Once you've decided on the scenario, props are always great to get into the mood and really into the role. It doesn't have to be all that costume-y, just some basics that will work for the foreplay and sex. You can order different props online, buy them at shops in the mall like Spencers/Frederick's of Hollywood etc., look through last year's Halloween racks or make your own props. Remember, a pair of very sexy high heeled fuck me boots/stilettos is a must. It works well for almost any character and adds that extra Oomph to the outfit. Be sure to include other props as well, like feather dusters, school books, dollar bills for that hooker outfit, glasses etc. You can start your collection with a few choice pieces and work up from there.

For those that get really aggressively into role-playing i.e. spankings, rape enactments, chokings and the like, I've read that it's always good to have a 'safe word' or phrase. That way, when you no longer feel comfortable you say the safe word and the game is over. This establishes a boundary that will allow you to push the envelope as much as you want but not hurt each other. Which is always good!

As for any other ideas to spice things up....read up sister girl! I devour books on sex on a regular basis. Take a trip to the bookstore and just browse through that Sex/Self-help section. You'd be surprised how much you can pick up just by randomly skimming a few pages. Magazines like Cosmopolitan & Glamour always have some new tip or skill in every issue that is supposed to amp up your sex life. They are pretty self-explanatory and he's usually wowed by just one new technique. When it comes to my sex life, I'm not shy. I've been known to talk to the girls about new skills, techniques and stuff. You might be surprised how much your friends know that you never even thought of! You can never know too much about sex. Ever!

Anything else to add ladies?

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Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Dealing with Freaky Requests in the Bedroom

“There’s something new in bed that I would like us to try,” your lover broaches one evening. With trepidation you listen to his request, knowing that no matter how open-minded you are, there are some things that you will never, EVER do. What do you do when he wants you to do something in the sack that isn’t your cup of tea?

I always operate on the “Try It Once” policy. If I have never tried something, and it doesn’t sound too freaky, I will give it one shot. As in only one, if you mess this up or I don’t like it in any way you will stop immediately and I’m totally crossing it off the list forever and ever don’t ask me ever again!

If I had tried it before and have had a bad experience with it, I’ll articulate this to him. Knowing most guys, he will try to rationalise or allay your fears. “You didn’t try it with me so it doesn’t count. I’ll make it really good,” he might say.

Just keep in mind that your fears are very important and should not be pushed into a corner. You do not have to do something that you don’t want to do. Ever. There is no obligation that automatically comes with the assumption of a relationship. If having a boyfriend comes with all kinds of kinky, freaky strings attached involving animals, midgets, bondage or S&M I would rather forgo the boyfriend then give up my attitude. Because sex is supposed to be fun. And if you are doing something that you aren’t enjoying—HELLO, it’s no longer fun!

Be sure to communicate your feelings with him. If it seems like something you might be into, tell him that you will try it or think about it. During this thinking about it phase is when I talk to my girls to see if they have ever done this and what their stories are. Because honestly, I don’t want to learn the hard way that hand-blown glass really does break in one’s vagina.

As in all elements of a relationship, communication in the boudoir is very, very important. If he keeps pressuring you, or won’t let up on it no matter how many times you tell him no, suggest a really freaky idea of your own. I’ve found most guys back off really quickly when I tell them that to trade I have this fantasy of sticking something huge in their nether regions. Heh!

Your thoughts?

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Monday, August 07, 2006

Denying Beauty

Andrea wrote an interesting post on her blog last week. In it, she talked about having several discussions with women in which they deny or downplay their beauty. We turn down compliments from other women or instantly take the attention off ourselves with statements like, "Oh, this old thing? I got it on sale," or "Thanks but your look is so much better." However, if the attention is coming from a guy it's a whole 'nother story. Admiring looks and comments from guys we readily lap up with a dazzling smile. There are several things wrong with this concept, and Andrea expansiates:

Firstly, it assumes that a man/men validate women's beauty. It's ours and we own it. But time and again, we deny it, apologize for it, and feel shame about it. AND allow others to validate us, or not. You rarely hear women compliment themselves. That would be considered rude right?

Everyone thinks that beautiful people (and I know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and that it's as or more important to be beautiful inside...) have it made. Not so. There's a great deal of guilt that hovers over your fine looks that you have to contend with daily. Apologizing for or down playing beauty becomes very second nature.

She's right. Each woman is beautiful, in her own very special way. We should own our beauty, love our bodies and stop apologising for being beautiful. If you don't love yourself, how can you expect others to love you? Inner beauty & radiance comes from confidence and high self-esteem. There is nothing wrong with preening in front of a mirror. There is nothing wrong with admiring your figure, your legs, your boobs and your face. There is nothing wrong with taking extra special care of your body--your temple.

Insecure people sometimes want to make others feel as low as they are. So they will criticize and harangue you, calling you names like vain, proud and an attention seeking. You shouldn't let their name-calling faze you in any way. You are beautiful. You are fabulous. You are special. There is only one you out of the 6 billion people in this world. And the world is so much better for it.

Read Andrea's article in it's entirety HERE.

Your thoughts?

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Saturday, August 05, 2006

Try Something New: 69

When I was in college, somehow I got the nickname 34.5. Considering that back then, my virginal self didn't even know what the hell 69 was, I kept wondering why everyone would snicker when they said the name. My experience with the 69 has been that either I'm too flustered by what he's doing to me to continue giving him a BJ or I'm enjoying giving him head too much to even give myself up to an orgasm. Either way, I feel distracted and not totally in the moment. Perhaps one day I will develop some better multi-tasking skills. Laura offers up some interesting thoughts for the weekend.
"I definitely won’t deny that sex is an indispensable part of all happy relations. In order to make these relations even better, even stronger and even more sensual we first of all try to diversify our sexual side of life.

This is what my beloved offered me last night: to try something new, something that will enrich our mutual sensations and consequently our everyday life. He suggested that we try 69-position… Frankly speaking I was a bit embarrassed, since the experience was absolutely new for me. Nevertheless, I resolved to try it and can’t wait to share my emotions and observations with you!

That was something: I cast aside my shyness to enjoy sensations of mutual and simultaneous giving and receiving process! Hot breathing and tender tongue of my sweetheart made me kiss his flesh even more intensively. It was a kind of merging: we became a single whole – alive burning organism. And gradually this sensual organism burst with passion and love and exhausted we fell down able to whisper the only words: “I love you, babe”…

Thus 69-position gave me absolutely new feelings and I know that we will try it again and again to discover new sensations and become closer to each other. Yet, I’m sure that in order to receive full rainbow of sensations granted by this awesome position certain conditions should be taken into account:

Trust: First and foremost partners should perfectly know each other to avoid possible misunderstanding and awkwardness.
Comfort: Make yourself comfortable to keep your knees and arms from numbness. Otherwise the whole pleasure will turn into pure torture.
Imagination: Don’t restrain yourself! Remember: the more you give, the more you receive and vice versa.
And the last but not the least, real feeling, i.e. LOVE makes any position most pleasant, sensual and versatile."
Your thoughts?

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Friday, August 04, 2006

Being Bossy

Ever since that song "Bossy" by Kelis came out it's been running haphazardly through my head. I realise that people that don't know me well might classify me as bossy. However, I prefer to think of myself as assertive.

See, back in the day I used to be the quiet introvert who bent over backwards and upside down to please everybody and everything. This tendency still manages to rear it's ugly head during family reunions. However, somehow during college, thanks to the wonderful influence of my Circle of Life, I came into my own. Over the years, I've actually realized with stunning regularity what I really do want from life and strove to achieve it. And of course along the way realised what I didn't want and have tried to avoid that!

I think this is a really big thing with the women of today. The days of Stepford wife-ism are totally gone and we are now in the era of total feminism. However, most quarterlifers still don't know what the hell they want. Especially in a man. Especially in a relationship. Or even if they want a relationship or just want sex, a hang-out buddy or a drinking partner.

Seriously ladies, we have got to be honest with ourselves here. Search your heart and soul for what you really, truly want. And go after it single-mindedly. Don't sashay around town wasting time with the Mr. Unavailables if you know that you actually do want an available guy. Don't date guys that treat you like crap when you know you deserve better. Don't give up what you truly want because some guy tells you that he wants something else entirely.

Ultimately, we are responsible for the mistakes we make in dating and relationships. Sure we learn from them and move on, but some of these can be avoided in the first place if we just stay true to our desires and open our eyes! We might want to blame the guy wholeheartedly for being a total jerk---but seriously, those red flags were there all along. And you saw them. But ignored them. And set yourself up for heartache.

So, to the petulant being who wrote me about how bossy I sound and who the hell am I to be giving advice....Allow me to tell you this:
  1. If you don't like my blog---don't fuckin' read it. It's the internet, there a gazillions of other blogs out there. Go find someone else to bother.
  2. You have your right to exercise your freedom of speech. As I have mine. However, your negative energy isn't wanted or needed here. So get to stepping and please don't come back.
  3. I'm not giving advice. I'm giving my opinion. Learn the difference.
  4. Read my very first blog post. Most of your rant was addressed there. See, I knew you would be coming.
Now that I got that off my chest, have a great weekend everyone.

xxx

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Thursday, August 03, 2006

Hola!

Hey guys,

I just wanted to thank you for all the kind words & emails that I've gotten this last week. I tried to reply everyone individually but some people aren't on Blogger/didn't sign in so I might have missed you. Anyway, thank you soooooo much for all your support.

I know the old readers all know that I regularly read the comments, however, due to some more new projects I might not be able to actively respond as I have before. If you have a question or need something, don't hesitate to shoot me an email. It might take me a couple of days but I will get back to you.

Baggage Reclaim is doing it's thing, thanks mostly to NML & NYM. I know I haven't talked about it in a while but there are always awesome articles up there with a similar theme as the Bad Girls Guide. I know that Carmentza & Annie are regular readers as well as many others, check it out, I know you'll find stuff you like:)

The Elexa SexySmart Blog is really taking off. If you haven't checked it out, don't hesitate too when you have time. Please leave comments as well. As a bonus you get to see a face shot of me (for those of you who aren't on Myspace). I like to think I look somehow like the girl on the swing, except I'm sexier, with more arresting eyes, darker and have a bigger butt.

I've also added the new platform of coComment so (if it works), any comments I leave on your blog should automatically show up in that rose-colored box on the sidebar. As usual, if you are in my Reader I'm reading your blogs, mostly lurking but loving the window into your lives.

I'm trying to keep the schedule of three posts a week, with an occasional trackback from any of my fav bloggers that I come across. Hopefully the routine won't be as interrupted as it was this past fortnight.

Enjoy your weekends everyone. I'm taking a much needed rest!

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Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Who Enjoys Blowjobs More?

When you ask a guy what he likes best about a blowjob, the most responses I've gotten had to do with the imagery. "It's the ultimate accepting act. She's fully receptive of my essence, taking me fully and unabashedly. With her between my knees the pose is submissive, as a supplicant worshipping at my temple."---Ok, so maybe they weren't this eloquent, but you get my drift;)

However, to the sexy females that I've talked to who love giving blowjobs, it's a whole different ballgame. For us, it's also about the power. We don't see anything about it as us submitting to you....it's YOU who is submitting to US. You are the vulnerable one, legs wide open, yielding to our every touch, moaning at just the hint of our breath. We have the power to draw out the passion, to make you groan, to make you scream with ecstasy. For us, giving a blowjob isn't a requisite act of the girlfriend but something that we enjoy as well. You are at our mercy. Just the way we like it.

I guess in situations like this, it's a mutually beneficial scenario. You get a girlfriend who loves to savor your cock and she gets a guy that she can turn into a quivering mass of ecstasy with one sultry look...and touch.

Your thoughts?

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