Of all the relationship/dating books I’ve read, this is by far one of my favorites. It ranks right up there with He’s Just Not That Into You. Written in a no-holds barred, forthright style that is both humorous and insightful, the two cowriters Evan Katz and Linda Holmes examine Not the normal parameters of How to Catch a Man, but actually what we are doing wrong in every relationship we encounter and why there is truly an opposite view on relationships from both sides of the gender divide. It’s a short yet thought provoking and hilarious read, you can finish it in one sitting. Evan writes from a guy’s point of view and Linda’s voice is the girl in all of us.
Each chapter is a look at the reasons you might still be single. From subjects like You are Knocking Yourself out of the Game, You are just not that Into Yourself, You are the Patron Saint of Lost Causes, You are a Bitch, You Fight Like a Girl, You are Missing the Signals For When to Get Out….and When to Stick Around, You are Boring Him in the Bedroom. Each chapter is broken down further into different sections that examine how we sabotage ourselves and our relationships in each of these scenarios.
The book doesn’t take the tone of I’m So Good at this Relationship Thing and You Suck! that alot of chick lit books engage in but proves that we are all just trying to make sense of this thing called love. It really does examine deeply the issues that single people face in the dating realm, the unrealistic expectations we have of each other and how we allow past relationships to color our views on the new one. It shows each of us what we are doing wrong in the dating arena using the theory that when you do know what’s wrong, then you can fix it.
I highly recommend this book to all the ladies out there who dig this kind of literature. As Evan said, “The moral of the story is that both men and women are flawed and broken, but you can’t change men or get them to read self-help books”.
The book comes out in mass publication on May 30. Enjoy!
My dilemma - I recently met a man (in a club - I know that's bad but what can you do!) who is 10 years my senior. We hit it off straight away and spent the whole night together. I didn't go home with him but we managed to find a nice quiet corner to talk and... stuff ;) Anyway, we exchanged numbers and ever since we have been in touch via phone, he calls me and texts me every day but I just feel so weary and not because of anything but the age thing (I'm 19, he's 29 btw). He thought I was older because I am quite mature for my age but then again so is he! The experience is such a turn on for me but I have never been out with anyone older than 25 and I'm scared because ever since I broke up with my ex-boyfriend I haven't liked anyone so much. I don't trust myself because I always forget where the line is and I don't want to get hurt again. I seem to go for the wrong man very naturally! And also, I don't know what he wants and I don't want to ask because I don't want to scare him away. He seems to want more than sex, or maybe not? I don't exactly know what I'm asking for but your thoughts would be very much appreciated...Ok, keep in mind that everything I'm saying from here on out is my perspective and opinion on things:)
Labels: Ask Vixen
Labels: Hot Seat Tuesday
"As I was heading towards my daily work starting page online, I saw a link for a How To article about How To Tell The Difference Between Love, Infatuation, And Lust. I still, at age 26, have not been able to clearly make distinctions between these feelings. Unlike my sister, who says people are too careful with using the big L word (love, for those still half asleep), I probably fall into the camp of saving it for perfect moments and situations. It's not something I guard and I'm not holding onto it like a nun and her virginity, or placing it on a too-high pedestal but, it makes me cringe when it's thrown around. To reference one of my favorite shows, did you hear what George said to Callie on Grey's Anatomy? He wanted to wait to say "I love you" back to her and make sure she knew he meant it. Not the obligatory response to someone else saying it. I loved it when George said that. It's so true."Read the rest of NotCarrie's summation HERE.
Labels: Girl Talk
It’s happened to the best of us, some of us over and over again. You meet this guy, totally click and start dating. However, something happens and the relationship ends to your uttermost surprise and dismay. At times, you can see the breakup coming for weeks, even months; however other times it’s a total shocker.
Using the five stages of grief, let’s explore the feelings and emotions that we go through.
Denial: This can’t be happening to me. He’s not serious. He’s kidding. This has got to be a joke. He’s going to call me tomorrow and everything is going to be ok. We are going to be ok, our relationship is not over!
Anger: WTF??? Crazy MF!! He’s such a sleazy dog. Who does he think he is? Breaking up with me? I’m the best thing that ever happened to him, and then some. What about everything I did for him? Ungrateful wretch. Stupid bastard…ARRRRGH!
Bargaining: Maybe we should just be friends. Perhaps friends with benefits. I would rather just be his booty call than nothing at all. I need to still have him in my life, in any way shape or form. I’m not willing to let go.
Depression: Wow, I can’t believe it’s really over. I can’t breathe. My life will never be the same. My heart is broken, it’s hurting…physically. I can’t get out of bed, I can’t eat, and I can’t sleep. I can’t live without him.
Acceptance: I’m so glad he’s gone. God knows I am so much better without him. After all, there are many other fish in the sea. I’m moving on, a stronger, wiser, phenomenal woman. I refuse to settle for rubbish. I want my Mr. Right.
I’m sure that we have been through some of these emotions, if not all. Some people move through the five stages pretty quickly, some people need more time than others to process, heal and reach acceptance. But eventually you have to bear in mind that you will get to the end of the tunnel.
Labels: Break Ups
Moving on post breakup is hard to do and yet very essential to your personal growth and future happiness. If you don't move on, you will end up enshrining your ex in your heart and leaving no room for the guy who is really right for you. You will become the pathetic girl still pining over lost love years & decades down the rode. And everyone knows that a Bad Girl is far from pathetic.
Now we all know the difference between Fake Closure and True Closure. We know that true closure cannot be forced or made to prematurely happen; it takes time and then one day, it happens. However, in moving on you have to have fake closure. And fake closure can be forced and that is what you are going to have to do.
Loneliness can be a good thing, it’s the loneliness that compels you to get out of the rut and move on with your life. Also, some time alone can help you reorganize your priorities, recharge your batteries and renew your mind and spirit. You can figure out your likes and dislikes, what makes you happy and focus more on yourself.
Personally, I use a strict schedule to get over a guy. At times, it can be hard moving on to the next stage but I just fake it until I feel it. Feel free to adapt this as you see fit.
Phase One ~ The Mourning/Grieving Period (1-2 weeks): This is when you get to whine, mope and have a pity party for yourself. This is when you need the support of your girlfriends the most, when you can have the chick flick movie nights, ice-cream to your heart's content, listening to icky love songs, ritualistic roasting of pictures and his crap, create a stick-pin doll and plan grandiose revenge schemes that you know you aren't going to do yet are therapeutic to plan anyway. This is when your friends rally round, call you and tell you that he's a dog and he's not worthy of you. This is when you can cry, vent, yell and scream and everyone understands and rallies around you.
During this period you are NOT allowed to call him because this will only set you back from moving on. However, if you need to talk to him, pick up the phone when he does call (he will call, they always do). Remember you need lots of female interaction this week to help you get through. Recommended reads include It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken and I Used to Miss Him but my Aim is Improving. This period should not last more than 2 weeks, pity parties do start sucking after a while.
Phase Two ~ Prep Time (2-3 weeks): This is when you hit the gym, working out to girl power tunes like Since You've Been Gone, I'm A Bitch by Sheryl Crow, Here We Go by Trina Bossy by Kelis, and Can't Hold Us Down by Christina Aguilera. You burn those frustrations out on the elliptical and lift weights like you are training for the Olympics. You are getting in shape, not because you are trying to prove anything to anyone, but because according to Elle Woods, "Exercise gives you endorphins, endorphins make you happy, and happy people don't kill people." In addition it has the added bonus of making you look and feel like a million bucks.
Improving your muscle tone and fitness gives you control over one aspect of your life and eventually this control will extend to other areas. This is also when you empty out your apartment of anything that reminds you of him. You box up all his shit and have it sent to him (preferably mailed cash on delivery, hehehe), throw stuff away, put all the gifts he gave you under your bed or to a trusted friend. All the momentos must be boxed up, even things you use on a regular basis. You don't want anything that reminds you of him to linger in your apartment and life so box up everything and send it to a dusty corner, throw it away or give it away.
Hide the phone, because if not you might be tempted to call him. Under no circumstances do you call him, if you feel that you simply must call him, you will call one of your girlfriends instead. Resume normal life activities as much as possible (this is very important to me). Attend social events that focus on learning, start a new hobby like rock climbing or pottery and focus on bonding with friends.
Phase Three ~ Makeover (1 week): It's time for your therapeutic shopping spree. Break into your nest egg and shop till you drop. You are a goddess and you deserve it. This is personally my fav time post breakup---a reason to shop, hell yeah! So hit the mall and feel free to splurge on sexy tops, jeans, outfits and accessories that will help you in the next phase. Go shopping with a friend or two and spend the next day getting manicures, facials and pedicures. Get your hair done, a total makeover, whatever you feel like.
If you can't afford an all out spending spree, my recommendation is to head to the nearest beauty school/massage school. They will use you as a mannequin, and for free (or really cheap) you can get the spa treatments that you crave. Also feel free to go discount clothes shopping at Marshall's or TJ Maxx or head to your consignment shop, friends/sister's closet of choice. It doesn't matter where you get your new gear from, but remember that new clothes are all helping with that new attitude.
Phase Four ~ Unleash the Inner Diva (2 weeks): It's time for your official Coming Out Party!! Throw a bonafide party where you invite mostly eligible men or have a night out that you chat up and kiss every single man that your heart fancies. Your friends will tell everyone at the bar that you just got dumped and watch men come out of the woodwork to console your fabulous self. Feel free to renew old male acquaintances, dust off your little black book, wear those cute clothes you bought, party hard and party well. This is when you can assert your feminine wiles on the male populance. Start going out on dates and get back into the dating pool. Smile, flirt, date and be merry. Sure the emotions and feelings for your ex are still there but you are too busy to notice. The loneliness will only assail you at night when you don't have him in your bed. Might a suggest an old alliance, fuck buddy or booty call? Oh--and just for the record you are BARRED from sleeping with your ex.
Behaviors That You Are Not Allowed to Exhibit Post Breakup:
So go ahead, watch those sappy movies, and listen to those sad, sad songs. Eat gallons of ice cream and cry all you want. Do whatever you have to do to get over the jerk, just bear in mind that he isn’t worth your emotional health. Make sure you do pick up the pieces and move on.Remember, there can be a lot of men that you can settle for but there is only one that’s truly right for you.
Labels: Break Ups
|You Are a Bad Girl|
You are 30% Good and 70% Bad
You're a total bad girl, from your wild hair to tattooed toes.
But you're too badass to even care if you're labeled "bad"!
“How to Avoid Getting Seriously Involved with a Control Freak”
By Annie Dennison, Ph.D.
Even a strong, intelligent woman can fall for a man with control issues. And then, once she’s involved with him, it’s hard sometimes to get him out of her life. That’s why it’s a good idea to spot a man’s controlling ways as soon as possible.
The problem is, a skilled control freak can make you think that YOU are the crazy one -- not him! This guy is so sure about his own opinions and way of doing things that he doesn’t question himself. And, because he doesn’t want any resistance while he takes over parts of your life, a control freak makes sure that the only person you’re questioning is…yourself.
Here are some warning signs that the man you’re getting involved with might have control issues:
He acts like you are his own special “What Not to Wear” makeover project.
From the start of the relationship, it’s clear that he wants you to look and dress like a woman you’re not. For instance, if you’re sporty, he might put pressure on you to be girly-girl. The tricky part is, it can start in a nice way, with him giving you gifts of clothing or jewelry. But those gifts don’t reflect your taste or style. And even if you tell him that, he doesn’t care. Because, some control freaks are certain that they know best how you should look, from your hair color down to your toenail polish color.
He’s way too pushy about your weight, fitness level, and/or food choices.
This can start with hurtful jokes and teasing. It gets worse when he tries to motivate you to eat or exercise his way by intentionally making you feel bad about your body. If you get upset with this, he’ll tell you that you need to “lighten up,” or that he’s just “concerned for your health.” At a restaurant, for example, a control freak might feel free to shame you into ordering food he thinks you should eat. Maybe he’ll monitor and bully you about how much you exercise. Or he might even point out women whose bodies are ideal in a way that he openly thinks yours isn’t.
He monitors how, where, and with whom you spend your time.
Unfortunately, at first, you might be flattered by this. It can seem like he’s really into you, and maybe kind of sweetly jealous. But it’s not just about the other men you might meet. Sometimes a control freak even makes it difficult for you to spend time with the people who care most about you -- the people who, not coincidentally, can provide a “reality check” for his crazy, controlling behavior. That includes your girlfriends and family. How does he make it difficult? By dissing them, or acting like a jerk when you try to introduce him to them. Or maybe by pouting and withdrawing before and after you spend time alone with them.
He can’t tolerate your opinions or perceptions, especially if they’re different from his.
For some control freaks, it’s not enough to control what you do; they have to control what you think. There are all sorts of ways to do this. At first, it can start with some subtle teasing or putdowns about the way you think about things. If that doesn’t silence you, he might openly interrupt and belittle your opinions and perceptions. Again, if you let him know that this upsets you, he might try to convince you that you’re being “overly-sensitive.”
So, what do you do if you think you might be going out with a control freak?
Keep checking in with your support network.
A control freak often tries to isolate you from other people whose opinions matter to you. That’s because he wants to have the ultimate influence over what you do and think. If you have concerns about a guy’s control issues, take those concerns to the most trusted people in your life. Just checking in with friends and family will help you “step back” and look more realistically at the guy.
Make sure you have some time to yourself.
The more time you spend with a control freak, the more you tend to lose sight of who you are and what you believe. After all, he wants you to question yourself, not him. So it’s important that you continue doing those “quality alone time” activities that help you stay connected to what makes you feel like you. Plus, being alone gives you some space and distance to look more realistically at how this guy is treating you.
Listen to and trust what your gut is telling you.
Obviously, some of the biggest, flashing warning signs that a man is a control freak are his own actions. But an equally big, flashing warning sign is the way you feel inside yourself the more you get involved with him. Do you feel incredibly off-balance? Confused? Stressed out? Depressed? Silenced? Isolated? Or even kind of scared? Are you questioning your own perceptions more than usual? Is your self-esteem taking a nosedive?
Well, falling for a good guy will NOT make you feel like any of that!
So do yourself a big favor. If you’re getting to know a guy who acts like a control freak, and being with him makes you feel bad about yourself, resist any urge to “give him a chance.” At best, he’s probably going to make you unhappy. At worst, his control issues might even make him dangerous.
In other words, cut him loose!
Annie Dennison, Ph.D., is a psychologist and love life adviser. Her blog, Smart at Love, provides dating and relationship advice for smart women.
By definition, a bad girl, is not an evil person. She is not a mean bitch, unless she has to be. She is a fun, fiesty, independent female with her own place, car, job and money. A bad girl is a sexy and sassy sista who has everything (well almost everything) going for her and is still continually striving to improve herself. When I say bad, I don't mean naughty-bad or even evil-bad. I mean BAaaaaad! Like a cool, intelligent, modern female that has her life as orderly as she can get it.
A bad girl is BAaaaad, because she doesn't live by the rules, she makes her own. A sista that can wield the cloak of power easily during 9-5, but slip into a sexy party girl when the sun goes down. She's gorgeous, and she knows it, even if she does have stretch marks and cellulite from here to Timbuktu. She fabulous and her self confidence is at an all time high, even if she has to fake it until she feels it.
The power of a BAaaaaad girl is that she knows what she wants out of life and is trying hard to get it. She wants the great job with the six-figure salary, she wants the perfect home and to be a great hostess. She wants the perfect man of her dreams.
And this is where the guide comes in. You see, BAaaaad girls are made, not born, they are forged through the fires of dating hell. When you see a gaggle of girls talking about men, we are not merely male-bashing, we are educating each other. Throughout history, the oral tradition has been the most powerful way of transferring information known to humankind. And we ladies have modified that and taken it to the nth level.
We talk about the foibles and horror stories, we talk about techniques and skills, we talk about romance and the one that got away. We talk about our narrow scrapes and misses, we talk about which guy is "dog of the week" and why, we talk about who cheated on who with whom.
Now what qualifies me to write the BAaaaad Girls Guide? Nothing. Absolutely frickin' nothing. Except that in a quest to leave something for the younger generation (aka my kid sister, who had her first date last week!!), I realize that I can impart waaay more info if I just wrote it down. So here you go.
Anything you read here is simply for informational purposes. If you decide to jump off Empire State Building because the dating pool is quite depressing, don't you DARE write that it was my fault.
The BAD girl's guide is merely not a quest to find the man of your dreams, but one to enrich your life and make yourself a better person so that when you find Mr. Right for Me, you will know.
And now, let the journey begin.