Bad Girl's Guide

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

On Talking Dirty pt 1

Definition: Talking dirty comprises of all the really no-holds-barred comments you make in the boudoir. The ones that might give you a blush in polite society and yet is deemed acceptable in the bedroom. The arena of dirty talk, where words like pussy, fuck, cock are just the precursors to more passion and ardor. It's like the magic words, only instead of saying Open Sesame, you are saying F*** me!

In my limited experience, I've come across a couple of guys who are really shy when it comes to breaking out the nasty words in the bedroom. I'm all for a guy being a gentleman outside of the bedroom but how am I supposed to unleash my inner vixen if you shudder and shrink at the words coming out of my mouth? How am I supposed to let myself go there, let loose and let it all out when I have to restrain myself in the guise of being polite? Who stays polite in the bedroom anyway? Virgin Mary?

"Such a potty mouth you have there," one unfortunate guy actually had the audacity to tell me. Please don't ask me what happened to him---needless to say it wasn't pretty.

For some reason, there is a coterie of guys that think that only moans and groans are acceptable in the bedroom. There are guys that don't make a sound at all, as if making any sounds precludes their enjoyment or might send a SWAT team in. To all the ladies out there who are struggling with aligning their inner freaks with the stoic and proper man that inhabits your bedroom, this is dedicated to you. Here are a few reasons why he might be a Silent Bob and some tips on how to get him talking.
  1. He actually might be shy: If he's shy, you can't push him out of it, you have got to handle it gently. Try taking little baby steps, ask him if what you are doing feels good. He might nod or say yes and then encourage him to moan instead. Make it a game. Tell him that you want to be told most explicitly what you want him to do to you. The more he talks---the more you do.
  2. He might have had a traumatic experience: There are gals out there who believe the total opposite and hold to the old theory that silence in the bedroom is best. He might have been burned by his ex, she yelled (or worse laughed) at him for saying too much or making too much noise. So he's gone to the extreme in the hopes of pleasing you not knowing that you are a believer in the more the better! In this scenario, it's best to just let him know that you are easy and he can say whatever he wants. Except for the stuff that you don't want him to say---things that might hurt you or make you feel really, really low.
  3. He might be...ummm a novice to dirty talk: After all, not every guy knows all the keys to the kingdom. This must be one where you revert to our tried a true method of teaching him. Telling him that it really turns you on might be a good place to start. He's aiming to please you so what's not to love?
  4. He might be embarrassed: After all, some still are of the mind that talking dirty is for porn stars and nymphomaniacs. He might be in this category and not trying to make himself look like a fool in front of you. So once again, try one of the tips above. Have him try with a fluffier side of dirty talk, just describing some of the naughty things he wants to do to you. Give positive affirmation and eventually he won't see it as a bad thing.
Other tips to get him used to it:
The easiest part is usually getting them to break out the dirty talk. Getting them to shut it up---now that's a lesson for another day.

Your thoughts?

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Posted by Vixen @ 12:08 AM :: 7 trainees letting it rip!

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Saturday, May 27, 2006

Book Review: Why You're Still Single

by Evan Marc Katz

Of all the relationship/dating books I’ve read, this is by far one of my favorites. It ranks right up there with He’s Just Not That Into You. Written in a no-holds barred, forthright style that is both humorous and insightful, the two cowriters Evan Katz and Linda Holmes examine Not the normal parameters of How to Catch a Man, but actually what we are doing wrong in every relationship we encounter and why there is truly an opposite view on relationships from both sides of the gender divide. It’s a short yet thought provoking and hilarious read, you can finish it in one sitting. Evan writes from a guy’s point of view and Linda’s voice is the girl in all of us.

Each chapter is a look at the reasons you might still be single. From subjects like You are Knocking Yourself out of the Game, You are just not that Into Yourself, You are the Patron Saint of Lost Causes, You are a Bitch, You Fight Like a Girl, You are Missing the Signals For When to Get Out….and When to Stick Around, You are Boring Him in the Bedroom. Each chapter is broken down further into different sections that examine how we sabotage ourselves and our relationships in each of these scenarios.

The book doesn’t take the tone of I’m So Good at this Relationship Thing and You Suck! that alot of chick lit books engage in but proves that we are all just trying to make sense of this thing called love. It really does examine deeply the issues that single people face in the dating realm, the unrealistic expectations we have of each other and how we allow past relationships to color our views on the new one. It shows each of us what we are doing wrong in the dating arena using the theory that when you do know what’s wrong, then you can fix it.

I highly recommend this book to all the ladies out there who dig this kind of literature. As Evan said, “The moral of the story is that both men and women are flawed and broken, but you can’t change men or get them to read self-help books”.

The book comes out in mass publication on May 30. Enjoy!

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Posted by Vixen @ 8:53 PM :: 9 trainees letting it rip!

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Thursday, May 25, 2006

The Age of Innocence pt 1: Meet Jade

This is a letter I got from one of my readers a few months ago and is used here with permission. I'm editing a few bits and pieces that are irrelevant to the story but there might be a few other ladies who have similar questions....
My dilemma - I recently met a man (in a club - I know that's bad but what can you do!) who is 10 years my senior. We hit it off straight away and spent the whole night together. I didn't go home with him but we managed to find a nice quiet corner to talk and... stuff ;) Anyway, we exchanged numbers and ever since we have been in touch via phone, he calls me and texts me every day but I just feel so weary and not because of anything but the age thing (I'm 19, he's 29 btw). He thought I was older because I am quite mature for my age but then again so is he! The experience is such a turn on for me but I have never been out with anyone older than 25 and I'm scared because ever since I broke up with my ex-boyfriend I haven't liked anyone so much. I don't trust myself because I always forget where the line is and I don't want to get hurt again. I seem to go for the wrong man very naturally! And also, I don't know what he wants and I don't want to ask because I don't want to scare him away. He seems to want more than sex, or maybe not? I don't exactly know what I'm asking for but your thoughts would be very much appreciated...
Ok, keep in mind that everything I'm saying from here on out is my perspective and opinion on things:)

Moving right along let's deal with the reason you wrote. My instinct first off is telling me that for some reason or another, your intuition is telling you to take it easy with this guy. I feel like there is something else you ain't saying but I'll let that go for now....feel free to dish if you can think of anything else.

You just broke up with your man? So you are in that phase where you are still healing from your past relationship and finding yourself again? If you are in this phase, most relationships started here will mainly be physical or rebound. Once in a while, someone does rebound and form a lasting relationship but it's hardly ever the case. On further correspondence I find out that she's already had her rebound relationship and has been single for close to 6 months.

Ok, for starters the age difference was one of your gripes. Even though you act older and more mature for your age, the truth of the matter is that you are barely a young adult while he is a man full grown. If you were say...25 with more life experience, and he was 35, this really wouldn't be an issue but I still believe that there will be the generational gap. Not only because, hey you are still young, but you are both in different phases of your life. You want to party hardy and have a good time and he might not be of the same mind-set. However, if you feel that the age thing isn't going to be an issue then don't let it bug you.

Does he know you are 19???? If he doesn't I would tell him just to keep it on the up and up. Ask him how old he thinks you are---chances are he will place you a tad older, like maybe 22 or 23. Sure telling him might scare him off but he will be really pissed if he finds out after the fact, I can pretty much guarantee you that. And telling him will also ensure that at least he will be able to understand where you are coming from with alot of situations.

I've dated older men myself when I was younger (one was a 16 year gap when I was 16!!) and I have to tell you that it's not a cup of tea. I did it for the lure and excitement of snagging a 'mature male' but I really wasn't ready for that kind of relationship. The Sex thing was a big issue with us because he was much more advanced than I was and I constantly felt naive and gauche in his presence. in addition, he wanted me to do stuff that I wasn't even ready for mentally or maturity wise and that created alot of friction. There are going to be differences in likes and dislikes, what you enjoy doing and how your friends act. Keep this in mind as well. Added to that is the friction caused by everyone who knows of the age gap. He will be bearing the brunt of it, getting called names like Cradle Robber behind his back. Being that your friends know of the age difference, I see them being the ones causing the most friction.

It sounds to me like he is into you to a certain extent. However you don't know to what level. Is it just for a random hookup, partying buddy, friend, FWB or something else?? Have you two gone on a date yet? Has he asked you for one? If you two haven't gone on a bonafide date and it's been several weeks since you met him, then chances are you are being relegated to the fuck buddy/casual hookup role. A guy that wants to pursue a deep relationship with a girl WILL ask her out on the date, it's the way it's always been done and will be done. So that's your first red flag right there.

It also sounds like you are kinda unsure as to where you want this relationship to go. You want the experience of dating an older man, but you don't want to be used. I also think that you don't really want to be want to be his girlfriend anyway but don't want to end up catching feelings for him and looking like a fool in love.

So Vixen, what am I going to do?

1. Listen to your intuition. What is it telling you? Is he a bad boy, nice guy or player? Can you trust him? Is he a man of his word?
2. Tell him how old you are. That way you can't be accused of deceiving him when he does find out. Oh, and he will find out, I can promise you that.
3. Ask him to ask you out. Next time you talk to him, find out what his plans are for the week/weekend. Confide in him that you have no plans yet and see what he says. If he wants to ask you out, he will use that as an opportunity to ask you out. Try it out one more time. If he doesn't ask you out...then chances are, he only wants to keep u as a backburner girl. Do you want to be a backburner girl??
4. If he does ask you out...but it's a 'let's hang out and chill' type scenario versus a proper date, then you are headed straight to FWB-land. If that is where you want to be, then great. If not, then he's probably not the one for you.

That's about all I can think of sweets. My bet is once you tell him how old you are he will quietly disappear. Which will probably prove that he never intended anything with you in the longterm. If he sticks around---then he might want something deeper. So that should be your first step. And the ultimate test.

Good luck and let me know what happens.

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Posted by Vixen @ 7:02 PM :: 6 trainees letting it rip!

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Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Firing Squad

Sometimes, I actually have something to say. Other times, I just end up rambling. I chucked 2 articles in the trash today, deeming them totally unworthy of your time. So now I'm at a quagmire. What are we going to talk about?

How bout this....does anyone have a question? It could be a personal question probing into the depths of my soul, something about your life that you want an opinion on or something utterly mundane. Email me or leave a comment and I'll keep amending this post as we go along.

Or leave a suggestion of a topic that's boggling your mind that you feel we haven't covered in depth or covered at all. That might spark some fodder for the next few days;)

Fire away!

Perhaps I should take a vacation:) Carmenzta, you did a lovely job with both questions. I actually have nothing else to add except this:

Jim, your girl flipped out because she had evidence of your lack of commitment. That would upset even me. When I'm with a guy (especially one that our exclusivity has been determined), I'm with him all the way. I expect him to be as loyal to me as I am to him, after all, that is what exclusivity is all about. So with you having flirtatious texts from another women, well, this is just a red flag that you are still in the mode that you are searching for something more. See the problem isn't with the fact that you had flirty texts. The problem is that you ENCOURAGED the flirtation. And encouragement counts as cheating on some level. If I were her, I would find it very, very hard to move past that.

Anonymous honey, this guy is obviously not the guy for you. It sounds to me that you actually have deeper feelings for you than he does. He sees you as a backup girl, the chick that's done for him 24/7. You've always been there, and you will always be there. Hence you've lost your allure. You are too available, too accessible and he's just not digging it. I know that unrequited love sucks bigtime but I honestly don't feel like he wants you. If he did want you...honestly, totally he would be banging down your door 24/7 and not letting you continually slip out of his grasp. Saying that he's the perfect guy for you except he doesn't want to be with you is like saying that you like everything about the ocean except that it's wet. Stop going back to him. Stop giving him chance after chance to break your heart. Move on. Really this time. Try to move from that apartment where you see him everyday, bond with your girlfriends (they sound great), and get back into the field and find someone new. You aren't emotionally letting him go and that is affecting all your relationships. So Let.Him.Go. Please. It's going to be hard, it's going to hurt, but at the end of the day it's going to be well worth it. Once he notices your reticence (and he will) he might actually realising that you are GONE and he might turn around in a 360 and be all over you. I honestly don't think he's man enough for you but if you want him then, have at him. Just don't think that he's around for longterm, at least not yet. Sounds like he's still sowing his wild oats to me. Good luck sweets.

I want to know if you have a boyfriend.Virginia honey, you are still in the good books, and of course I'll link you up on the roll. Yes, I do have a boyfriend. 7 months and counting. You should read the other blog:) I rhapsodize about him sporadically on there, don't want to bore everyone;)

Should I paint my toenails this summer?Omar that question cracked me up. It's your life, your nails, do what you will. Just try to stay away from the girly girly colors--will ya? Thanks.

How did you come about your wisdom? Trial and error? Parents? Friends? and why do you consider yourself a bad girl, as that has such a negative connotation and very different from your sentiment as I see it. Also, do you follow your own advice? How has that fared? Anonymous, I don't consider myself particularly wise! So yeah, I guess it's mostly been a mixture of everything, from my own pitfalls (alot of these situations I've personally been through!), to my friends telling me their woes, to dealing with these men with every foray into the dating world. In addition, I do have a bit of intuition thrown in there, some knowledge of how it's supposed to be or not supposed to be, from my parents, society, chick lit and chick flicks I guess. I just put myself in alot of the scenarios and think of how I should REALLY react. I choose the title because Good Girls have a wussy rep. Besides, all of us have a little (or alot) of bad girl in us. It's the Bad girl in us that refuses to be a doormat, accepts only the best treatment and manages to wield the cloak of power easily both in the bedroom and boardroom. She's assertive, she's ambitious, she doesn't take any crap. In my eyes, I've seen the Good Girl as what I always was until I hit 21, the one who obeyed all the rules, who followed the dictates of society, the one who bent over backwards to please everybody. But the Bad Girl? Totally opposite.

As for the following my own advice part----hehehehe. I do for the most part. Sometimes I get wrapped up in emotions and feelings like any other girl and stop thinking like I bad girl. My circle of life centers me alot, and in moments of doubt I actually read my own archives! So no, I don't have it all figured out, I'm just seeking and searching just as we all are.
I got my back waxed yesterday for the first time. I really wasn't extremely gorillafied back there having only really sprouted some whispys in the last 10years or so. My question is, should I be so vain as to be concerned about this? I consider myself to be in fine shape for my age and wanted that smooth, fresh look for summer, but should I just be me? The girl who did the waxing said I was just about the best male customer she'd ever had as I didn't curse, flinch or complain once, as apparently most men do. Women and waxing? Tough as nails I am told. So, in a way, I felt rather in touch with my feminine tough side. Omar, you actually have a very precise get ready for the summer regimen. I haven't been to the waxing parlor except for my eyebrows. I don't know what that lady told you was totally true. I'm a total wuss! Getting my eyebrows waxed is sheer torture for me (sure it's really quick and a small area...but I'm still chicken). So I can imagine how excruciating the whole back deal is. The things we do for conventional beauty. Sheesh! The stuff I do for my beauty regimen I mainly do for me. I do it because I want to feel good, I want to have those smooth long legs or the cute looking hair. If you are happy with your back then be happy with it whichever way it is. As for the vain part...I'm going to have to say yes. I'm sure if you dished about the rest of your toilette you would gradually be moved over to the Metrosexual zone. Which isn't a bad thing. There are women that dig guys who are very well groomed, yours truly included. Just do what makes you happy.

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Posted by Vixen @ 2:41 AM :: 11 trainees letting it rip!

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Monday, May 22, 2006

This Weekend I...

The roads were clear with very few cars on the highway. I sped down the darkened streets, sipping from my canister of warm apple cider. When I got to your house, the lights were off, further evidence that you were sleeping. There was a dog barking in the distance, the only sound in the velvet night, and I glanced around to make sure I wouldn't be mistaken for a cat burglar. But there was noone up----after all, it was close to 5 am.

I went around the back and found the spare key in the same spot where you told me it would be. Unlocking the back door, I tiptoed in. Taking my heels off, I shut the door and headed to your room.

As usual the humid heat had forced you to open your windows, and I could see your sleeping form laying serenely on the bed. Your cell phone was by you, blinking the missed calls from me, the only light in the otherwise dark room. I called your name softly, but you ignored me, so lost in your dreams.

Were they dreams of me? I wonder as I tiptoed over. Could I enter those dreams? I called your name again, louder this time, but you just turned over and didn't respond. A sound sleeper if I ever saw one. You were way too comfortable in that bed, especially considering that I wasn't there with you. The moon illuminated your features, strong, bold, handsome and relaxed in slumber.

My hands headed for your thick curly hair of their own accord, getting lost in the glossy curls. I was home. As soon as my hands touched you, you moved again and I thought that you would awake, but you didn't. My mind pondered the most 'spicy' way to wake you, even though you didn't want to be awakened.

I nuzzled your neck but you still didn't wake up. I let my hands roam freely over your firmly muscled arms and chest and you still didn't awake. My probing hands quested further, kneading and sensitizing each inch of skin that I passed. A low moan came from your lips and I glanced up, sure that you had awakened, and was again disappointed.

I kissed your closed eyelids, stealing myself for the bemused gaze that I would get from your obsidian eyes but even that didn't arouse you. I trailed my fingers further down, settling my body against your warm frame. Now this has got to wake him, was my thought as my questing fingers reached the goal.

Yes, I could tell that even though you weren't awake, you were happy to see me. Lovely. I abandoned kissing your face and directed my kisses elsewhere. Those kisses, those heated long licks did what no other touch could. I knew the minute you awakened, your breathing changed and I felt your hands running through my hair.

"Good morning," I said, my voice muffled by my task. You didn't answer, just gave me that Cheshire cat grin through half-lidded eyes. Oh yeah, it's such a good morning, the look said and I smiled as I continued. Within minutes I was rewarded for my efforts and I grinned as I watched your unshielded reaction to me. To my touch. To my kiss.

I dragged you out of bed shortly thereafter, me filled with joyful exuberance, and you still caught in that fuzzy place between full awakening and awareness. I drove us out of the city, heading for the water that we both love. The first rays of the sun shot through the early morning clouds and I made it to Crow's Nest right at dawn. As we both sat and watched the perfect sunrise break across a perfect shore, one thought collectively went through our minds.

This is heaven. Here. Now.

So what did you Bad Girls...and very Bad Guys do this weekend?

Posted by Vixen @ 3:15 AM :: 9 trainees letting it rip!

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Friday, May 19, 2006

Spice it Up

This weekend, here's a lovely challenge for all you Bad Girls out there. I want you to do something adventurous, something out of the ordinary, something that you have never done before. Unleash you inner vixen and get wild, don't think of the consequences, who might be watching or what they might be thinking.

I want you to go all out, lay it on the line. Say what you think needs to be said and stop holding it all in. I want you to honor your true desires and your needs, I want you to stop settling for what you really don't want or need. I want you to be brave, be bold and be feisty.

You take the reins for a moment. Initiate. Initiate the first kiss you've been dying to get, the first contact, the first swoop into the great unknown. Initiate the makeout session, the passionate romp, the fantasy that's been running through your mind for ages.

This weekend, let go of whatever is holding you back and just be. Just. Do. It.

Then come back and tell us all about it.

Have fun.

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Posted by Vixen @ 4:52 PM :: 8 trainees letting it rip!

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Thursday, May 18, 2006

Is it Love, Lust or Infatuation?

NotCarrie from No Sex and the City, called my attention to an interesting article online about knowing the difference between love, lust and infatuation that I wanted to share with you guys.
"As I was heading towards my daily work starting page online, I saw a link for a How To article about How To Tell The Difference Between Love, Infatuation, And Lust. I still, at age 26, have not been able to clearly make distinctions between these feelings. Unlike my sister, who says people are too careful with using the big L word (love, for those still half asleep), I probably fall into the camp of saving it for perfect moments and situations. It's not something I guard and I'm not holding onto it like a nun and her virginity, or placing it on a too-high pedestal but, it makes me cringe when it's thrown around. To reference one of my favorite shows, did you hear what George said to Callie on Grey's Anatomy? He wanted to wait to say "I love you" back to her and make sure she knew he meant it. Not the obligatory response to someone else saying it. I loved it when George said that. It's so true."
Read the rest of NotCarrie's summation HERE.
Read the full article HERE.

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Posted by Vixen @ 1:03 PM :: 2 trainees letting it rip!

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Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Vixen's Guide to Moving On: pt 1

It’s happened to the best of us, some of us over and over again. You meet this guy, totally click and start dating. However, something happens and the relationship ends to your uttermost surprise and dismay. At times, you can see the breakup coming for weeks, even months; however other times it’s a total shocker.

Using the five stages of grief, let’s explore the feelings and emotions that we go through.

Denial: This can’t be happening to me. He’s not serious. He’s kidding. This has got to be a joke. He’s going to call me tomorrow and everything is going to be ok. We are going to be ok, our relationship is not over!

Anger: WTF??? Crazy MF!! He’s such a sleazy dog. Who does he think he is? Breaking up with me? I’m the best thing that ever happened to him, and then some. What about everything I did for him? Ungrateful wretch. Stupid bastard…ARRRRGH!

Bargaining: Maybe we should just be friends. Perhaps friends with benefits. I would rather just be his booty call than nothing at all. I need to still have him in my life, in any way shape or form. I’m not willing to let go.

Depression: Wow, I can’t believe it’s really over. I can’t breathe. My life will never be the same. My heart is broken, it’s hurting…physically. I can’t get out of bed, I can’t eat, and I can’t sleep. I can’t live without him.

Acceptance: I’m so glad he’s gone. God knows I am so much better without him. After all, there are many other fish in the sea. I’m moving on, a stronger, wiser, phenomenal woman. I refuse to settle for rubbish. I want my Mr. Right.

I’m sure that we have been through some of these emotions, if not all. Some people move through the five stages pretty quickly, some people need more time than others to process, heal and reach acceptance. But eventually you have to bear in mind that you will get to the end of the tunnel.

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Posted by Vixen @ 8:35 PM :: 8 trainees letting it rip!

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Vixen's Guide to Moving On: pt 2

I read an article a while back that stated that it takes about half of the time you were with the person to really get them out of your system. So say if you dated Whatshisface for 6 months, in three months you should be back to your darling self with him just a distant memory. I’ve actually practiced this religiously in my last few breakups and have realized that when I reach that date, I’m already soooo over him and moved on to someone else.

Moving on post breakup is hard to do and yet very essential to your personal growth and future happiness. If you don't move on, you will end up enshrining your ex in your heart and leaving no room for the guy who is really right for you. You will become the pathetic girl still pining over lost love years & decades down the rode. And everyone knows that a Bad Girl is far from pathetic.

Now we all know the difference between Fake Closure and True Closure. We know that true closure cannot be forced or made to prematurely happen; it takes time and then one day, it happens. However, in moving on you have to have fake closure. And fake closure can be forced and that is what you are going to have to do.

Loneliness can be a good thing, it’s the loneliness that compels you to get out of the rut and move on with your life. Also, some time alone can help you reorganize your priorities, recharge your batteries and renew your mind and spirit. You can figure out your likes and dislikes, what makes you happy and focus more on yourself.

Personally, I use a strict schedule to get over a guy. At times, it can be hard moving on to the next stage but I just fake it until I feel it. Feel free to adapt this as you see fit.

Phase One ~ The Mourning/Grieving Period (1-2 weeks): This is when you get to whine, mope and have a pity party for yourself. This is when you need the support of your girlfriends the most, when you can have the chick flick movie nights, ice-cream to your heart's content, listening to icky love songs, ritualistic roasting of pictures and his crap, create a stick-pin doll and plan grandiose revenge schemes that you know you aren't going to do yet are therapeutic to plan anyway. This is when your friends rally round, call you and tell you that he's a dog and he's not worthy of you. This is when you can cry, vent, yell and scream and everyone understands and rallies around you.

During this period you are NOT allowed to call him because this will only set you back from moving on. However, if you need to talk to him, pick up the phone when he does call (he will call, they always do). Remember you need lots of female interaction this week to help you get through. Recommended reads include It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken and I Used to Miss Him but my Aim is Improving. This period should not last more than 2 weeks, pity parties do start sucking after a while.

Phase Two ~ Prep Time (2-3 weeks): This is when you hit the gym, working out to girl power tunes like Since You've Been Gone, I'm A Bitch by Sheryl Crow, Here We Go by Trina Bossy by Kelis, and Can't Hold Us Down by Christina Aguilera. You burn those frustrations out on the elliptical and lift weights like you are training for the Olympics. You are getting in shape, not because you are trying to prove anything to anyone, but because according to Elle Woods, "Exercise gives you endorphins, endorphins make you happy, and happy people don't kill people." In addition it has the added bonus of making you look and feel like a million bucks.

Improving your muscle tone and fitness gives you control over one aspect of your life and eventually this control will extend to other areas. This is also when you empty out your apartment of anything that reminds you of him. You box up all his shit and have it sent to him (preferably mailed cash on delivery, hehehe), throw stuff away, put all the gifts he gave you under your bed or to a trusted friend. All the momentos must be boxed up, even things you use on a regular basis. You don't want anything that reminds you of him to linger in your apartment and life so box up everything and send it to a dusty corner, throw it away or give it away.

Hide the phone, because if not you might be tempted to call him. Under no circumstances do you call him, if you feel that you simply must call him, you will call one of your girlfriends instead. Resume normal life activities as much as possible (this is very important to me). Attend social events that focus on learning, start a new hobby like rock climbing or pottery and focus on bonding with friends.

Phase Three ~ Makeover (1 week): It's time for your therapeutic shopping spree. Break into your nest egg and shop till you drop. You are a goddess and you deserve it. This is personally my fav time post breakup---a reason to shop, hell yeah! So hit the mall and feel free to splurge on sexy tops, jeans, outfits and accessories that will help you in the next phase. Go shopping with a friend or two and spend the next day getting manicures, facials and pedicures. Get your hair done, a total makeover, whatever you feel like.

If you can't afford an all out spending spree, my recommendation is to head to the nearest beauty school/massage school. They will use you as a mannequin, and for free (or really cheap) you can get the spa treatments that you crave. Also feel free to go discount clothes shopping at Marshall's or TJ Maxx or head to your consignment shop, friends/sister's closet of choice. It doesn't matter where you get your new gear from, but remember that new clothes are all helping with that new attitude.

Phase Four ~ Unleash the Inner Diva (2 weeks): It's time for your official Coming Out Party!! Throw a bonafide party where you invite mostly eligible men or have a night out that you chat up and kiss every single man that your heart fancies. Your friends will tell everyone at the bar that you just got dumped and watch men come out of the woodwork to console your fabulous self. Feel free to renew old male acquaintances, dust off your little black book, wear those cute clothes you bought, party hard and party well. This is when you can assert your feminine wiles on the male populance. Start going out on dates and get back into the dating pool. Smile, flirt, date and be merry. Sure the emotions and feelings for your ex are still there but you are too busy to notice. The loneliness will only assail you at night when you don't have him in your bed. Might a suggest an old alliance, fuck buddy or booty call? Oh--and just for the record you are BARRED from sleeping with your ex.

Behaviors That You Are Not Allowed to Exhibit Post Breakup:

  1. No stalking: Of any kind. No stalking his house, job, favorite bar or any of his haunts that aren't your haunts.
  2. No looking like a homeless person: Whenever you do leave your house you will look your best at all times. You never know who might be watching you know.
  3. No phone calls: Unless he initiates them. In which case you will answer in a rushed tone, keep it short or have him leave a message. Having contact with him will only pull you back instead of ahead.
  4. No sex with your ex: With anyone else---sure, as long as they know that it's not anything serious but a casual fling on your part. You aren't ready for anything serious right now, so don't lie to him and yourself by acting like you are.

So go ahead, watch those sappy movies, and listen to those sad, sad songs. Eat gallons of ice cream and cry all you want. Do whatever you have to do to get over the jerk, just bear in mind that he isn’t worth your emotional health. Make sure you do pick up the pieces and move on.

Remember, there can be a lot of men that you can settle for but there is only one that’s truly right for you.

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Posted by Vixen @ 7:59 PM :: 5 trainees letting it rip!

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Monday, May 15, 2006

When You Think You'll Get Back Together

Some relationships end but really don't. Perhaps the timing wasn't right for both of you when you did meet, or you had some unresolved issues on either end that still needed to be dealt with. Whatever the reason, you two amicably split with the understanding in the future that you might get back together.

I've heard a few of my friends tell me that they have a pact with a certain guy that when they turn 30, if they are still single, they will end up with him a la Julia Roberts in My Best Friend's Wedding. This sounds great theoretically, although such an understanding is full of numerous pitfalls.

One of them is that people change with time. With the passage of time some mature, some gain new experiences and insights and some just simply grow up and move on. If you aren't with someone and you are both doing your own thing, isn't it possible that you might not grow up at the same rate? It might even be possible that one of you might have so drastically changed that the only thing that holds true to the memory you have is...the memory. Physical features might have changed, habits might have changed, so much about you might have even changed and not all of it is a welcome change.

Another pesky thing is the problem with other people. What if one/both of you have started dating someone else who has pretty strong feelings for you? Do you cast them aside once Mr.Second Time Around comes a knocking? Is it even worth it? Either way you are leaving a slew of broken hearts in your wake which ultimately doesn't set you up for good Karma.

OK, perhaps you've managed to transverse the pitfalls mentioned above. Let's focus on other issues. What about when he wants to get back with you but you aren't ready? Perhaps you are mid-relationship, un-trusting of his new change of heart or just not in that place? How are you supposed to deal with that?

For starters, you have to communicate exactly what is going on in your head. Perhaps it might just be a situation where he never got the Red light from you but got a wishy washy yellow one. Perhaps you do want him back...later, or never at all. Either way, you have to let him know where you are coming from and where your emotions are. If you want to get back with him, and feel that he's worth it, then I wish you good luck. But sometimes the only good thing about an Open-ended relationship are the memories. Once you do get back with him, you might find out that it's not as sweet as you remembered. Then what?

What if you are ready to get back with him but he's not ready to get back with you? What if (for one inane reason or another), he tells you that he sees you in his future, but not in his present? He tells you that he knows that eventually he will end up with you but he's just not there yet. He still wants to have his freedom, sow his wild oats but still be able to end up with his dream girl at the end of the day. How are you supposed to deal with that?

First of all, you have to be true to yourself and what YOU want. You mantra must remain the same, do not shape/mould yourself to any man's qualifications of what he wants his ideal woman to be. You have to be true to your desires and your wants. If you want more, but he's not ready, then you have to acknowledge this and move on. You can't force someone to be with you who doesn't want to be. I feel that if a man wants to be with you, he will move heaven and earth to do so, irrespective of whatever is in the way. If he can't do this for you, then he's not the right person for you. I know it's a bitter pill to swallow, but this is where you have to let him go.

Moving on is actually the hardest part. You still have all the feelings, all the emotions sequestered in a part of your heart that you are going to have to deal with to move on. You can't keep on hoping in vain, thinking that maybe he will come around. Don't be caught like Rapunzel in the tower for decades waiting for her true love. You've got to let everything go. Let go of the hope, the past, the memories and the love. Let go of everything and anything that might bind you to that person because only then can you fully open up your heart to someone else.

Unrequited love sucks big time. It's like getting the door slammed in your face on a consistent basis. It's like getting rejected over and over and over again. It's like living with a wound that you pour salt on it on periodically. Sometimes a relationship is meant to be a Close-ended affair.

When you break up with someone and are tempted to leave the door open a smidgen for the possibility that you might get back together...my advice is honey, don't even bother.

Originally written for Baggage Reclaim. Click here to read other Baggage Reclaim articles.

Posted by Vixen @ 3:46 AM :: 8 trainees letting it rip!

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Saturday, May 13, 2006

The Evolution of Dance

Dance is the hidden language of the soul. We look at the dance to impart the sensation of living in an affirmation of life, to energize the spectator into keener awareness of the vigor, the mystery, the humor, the variety, and the wonder of life. This is the function of the American dance.~ Martha Graham

This is an hilarious video that my friend passed along to me and I just have to share with you all. I didn't start recognizing dances until like the 2nd minute or so (guess I'm still too young!) but once I did it was a riot all the way to the end. I hate to actually do a count to see how many I recognized, but once he hit the 90s, I personally had danced every single one of those!

Check it out.


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Wednesday, May 10, 2006

How to Know He's a Nice Guy

I saw this over at the blog of the illustrious and oh-so knowledgeable Overeducated Nympho. Here's her list of how you know if you are with a nice guy...I summarized it and I heartily recommend you going to read the whole post HERE.
  1. A nice guy holds your hand
  2. He snuggles
  3. He's easy to talk to
  4. He wants to be with you just as much as you want to be with him
  5. He does sweet little things for you.
  6. He kisses you when you leave for work---and when you get back
  7. He doesn't tell you what to do with your life.

Click HERE for the whole article.

Posted by Vixen @ 1:00 AM :: 9 trainees letting it rip!

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Monday, May 08, 2006

First Love vs Last Love

With every relationship and heartbreak one goes through, there are certain attitudes and defense mechanisms we develop to protect us from the pain. These attitudes and shields are often expressed through the eyes of jaded cynicism, covered by layers of sarcastic comments or camouflaged as other issues and assigned other excuses.

For example, if you were cheated on in your last relationship, you might develop shields to protect you from another situation like that. You might tend not to give your trust easily or not at all, you are the first to suspect anything that is fishy and don't let your guard down. You might even stoop to snooping to confirm your decisions and expect your guy to constantly show you signs of his fidelity. You might think that every guy you date henceforth has the potential to eventually cheat on you and so you don't trust them at all.

The problem with developing these shields is that even though they are protecting you, they are still hindering you in your next relationship. You are carrying around the hurt and disappointment from relationship to relationship, adding on to the baggage that you already have. You might start creating hoop after hoop of tests and trials that your beloved has to ace before you give him even a modicum of respect. You start to see the world through jaded, cynical eyes and permanently ban your rose-tinted goggles. You automatically assume the worst of every man you meet and tend not to give anybody a chance to break your heart again.

Even if you meet a guy that manages to get through the first wall of defense, he still has to deal with the fact that you will make assumptions and jump into conclusions for every issue that you two encounter that minutely comes close to anything that happened in your past. You start seeing him in the light of Guilty until Proven Innocent instead of the other way around and he has to constantly establish and prove his love and fidelity to you. You are involuntarily substituting him as your scapegoat, taking your past heartbreak and issues on him and making him 'suffer' for your pain.

You might not even realize that you are doing this, however all these subconscious machinations will end up eroding your new relationship and you won't even know why.

Remember your first love? The one that was unsullied by cynicism of any kind? The one that was unfettered, unrestrained, uncontained and so giving? The love that was all consuming, all encompassing, the love that you totally let yourself go? Your first love is often remembered our deepest love ever because you haven't attained any of these shields/baggage yet.

So how do we get rid of the shields and let our next/last love be like our first love?

Posted by Vixen @ 2:51 PM :: 9 trainees letting it rip!

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Friday, May 05, 2006

Friends With the Ex

Question of the day: Is it possible to be friends with your ex? If so, what kind of relationship would this be? Ok, being friends with your ex is an issue that has varied points of view. So I'm going to explain my point of view. Feel free to chime in ladies, I want to get the feel of everyone out there.

In an ideal Friend with Ex scenario, both of you have had time to heal and move on from the relationship before you attempt to reconnect. This might be a few weeks/months/years depending on how long your relationship was but eventually you do reconnect. I feel it's hard to be friends with your ex. Especially if one (or both) of you haven't achieved true closure. It will always be at the back of his mind that he might be able to get back with you. Or at least get into your pants. And this is where it gets dicey.

The problem with being friends with your ex is that for us women, it is harder to dissociate emotions of love/lust from friendship. Guys are better able to compartmentalize you into the new status and will treat you cordially and like a buddy quite easily. However we always have that grey area that is full of questions and uncertainty. Do you kiss him? Do you give him a hug? A handshake? Can you even have contact with him without remembering things about your relationship? Can you look at him without visualizing him naked? Can you heal your broken heart if he's still around? Will you even want to date other people?

If you have an ex in the picture, you are more prone to automatically substitute him for what's missing in your life. In fact, he might even retain his old status emotionally and in your mind, even though you both vocally deny that you are together. As your friend, you can call him to bail you out of trouble, you can go out 'as friends' on pseudo-dates to the movies and such, you can give him a helping hand, you can drag him as a date to your friend's wedding. He can cross fluidly from the roles of boyfriend/friend without a hitch and this can become a hindrance to your actual dating life.

With an ex that is still your good friend, why do you need a boyfriend? Why will you bother telling the new guy your life story to explain a crisis to him when you can easily ring up Mr. Ex and he totally understands where you are coming from and gets the details? Why bother cultivating new relationships when you can have the instant support and adoration you seek at the click of a button?

Added to that there is always the temptation of sex with said Ex. I've always felt that sex with the ex is an enormously bad idea however having him around as your friend presents that temptation to you on a constant basis. It's so easy to ease into old roles and habits, especially when you add loneliness and alcohol to the mix. Temptation Island? Hell yeah.

He represents the past to you when you are trying to move on to the future. This in itself is a huge handicap. And don't even tell me that you don't remember the bad times, the reasons you guys broke up in the first place and the fact that he shattered your heart into itty-bitty little pieces.

Find new friends. Preferably a coterie of fabulous women like yourself. Perhaps even a gay guy or a few high school male friends thrown in the mix. Just stay away from the stench of your ex.

And don't rationalize excuses for him. "He's changed, he's different now," I might hear you saying. Ummm, no. The reason you guys broke up is still there and will always be there, even though it might be camouflaged under layers of afflability and cordial friendship. So don't put yourself in harm's way. Remember, once bitten twice shy. Learn from your mistakes and move on babe. Move on to bigger and better men.

Further Reading: Sex With the Ex, Recycled Men

Your thoughts?

Posted by Vixen @ 12:52 AM :: 16 trainees letting it rip!

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Thursday, May 04, 2006

Bad Girls Rule!

I got this test from one of those blogthingies. Actually, I'm a bit surprised at the results;)~ I'm such a good girl---NOT! So what percentage Bad Girl are you?

You Are a Bad Girl

You are 30% Good and 70% Bad
You're a total bad girl, from your wild hair to tattooed toes.
But you're too badass to even care if you're labeled "bad"!

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Posted by Vixen @ 9:12 PM :: 2 trainees letting it rip!

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Guest Blog Article: Control Freaks

Ok, it's swapping time. Our exchange article for this week is from Smart at Love, where the incredibly gifted and incredibly smart Annie Dennison has graciously agreed to share some thoughts with us. Step on over to her blog, Smart at Love, she has awesome articles over there as well.

“How to Avoid Getting Seriously Involved with a Control Freak”

By Annie Dennison, Ph.D.

Even a strong, intelligent woman can fall for a man with control issues. And then, once she’s involved with him, it’s hard sometimes to get him out of her life. That’s why it’s a good idea to spot a man’s controlling ways as soon as possible.

The problem is, a skilled control freak can make you think that YOU are the crazy one -- not him! This guy is so sure about his own opinions and way of doing things that he doesn’t question himself. And, because he doesn’t want any resistance while he takes over parts of your life, a control freak makes sure that the only person you’re questioning is…yourself.

Here are some warning signs that the man you’re getting involved with might have control issues:

He acts like you are his own special “What Not to Wear” makeover project.
From the start of the relationship, it’s clear that he wants you to look and dress like a woman you’re not. For instance, if you’re sporty, he might put pressure on you to be girly-girl. The tricky part is, it can start in a nice way, with him giving you gifts of clothing or jewelry. But those gifts don’t reflect your taste or style. And even if you tell him that, he doesn’t care. Because, some control freaks are certain that they know best how you should look, from your hair color down to your toenail polish color.

He’s way too pushy about your weight, fitness level, and/or food choices.
This can start with hurtful jokes and teasing. It gets worse when he tries to motivate you to eat or exercise his way by intentionally making you feel bad about your body. If you get upset with this, he’ll tell you that you need to “lighten up,” or that he’s just “concerned for your health.” At a restaurant, for example, a control freak might feel free to shame you into ordering food he thinks you should eat. Maybe he’ll monitor and bully you about how much you exercise. Or he might even point out women whose bodies are ideal in a way that he openly thinks yours isn’t.

He monitors how, where, and with whom you spend your time.
Unfortunately, at first, you might be flattered by this. It can seem like he’s really into you, and maybe kind of sweetly jealous. But it’s not just about the other men you might meet. Sometimes a control freak even makes it difficult for you to spend time with the people who care most about you -- the people who, not coincidentally, can provide a “reality check” for his crazy, controlling behavior. That includes your girlfriends and family. How does he make it difficult? By dissing them, or acting like a jerk when you try to introduce him to them. Or maybe by pouting and withdrawing before and after you spend time alone with them.


He can’t tolerate your opinions or perceptions, especially if they’re different from his.

For some control freaks, it’s not enough to control what you do; they have to control what you think. There are all sorts of ways to do this. At first, it can start with some subtle teasing or putdowns about the way you think about things. If that doesn’t silence you, he might openly interrupt and belittle your opinions and perceptions. Again, if you let him know that this upsets you, he might try to convince you that you’re being “overly-sensitive.”

So, what do you do if you think you might be going out with a control freak?

Keep checking in with your support network.
A control freak often tries to isolate you from other people whose opinions matter to you. That’s because he wants to have the ultimate influence over what you do and think. If you have concerns about a guy’s control issues, take those concerns to the most trusted people in your life. Just checking in with friends and family will help you “step back” and look more realistically at the guy.

Make sure you have some time to yourself.
The more time you spend with a control freak, the more you tend to lose sight of who you are and what you believe. After all, he wants you to question yourself, not him. So it’s important that you continue doing those “quality alone time” activities that help you stay connected to what makes you feel like you. Plus, being alone gives you some space and distance to look more realistically at how this guy is treating you.

Listen to and trust what your gut is telling you.
Obviously, some of the biggest, flashing warning signs that a man is a control freak are his own actions. But an equally big, flashing warning sign is the way you feel inside yourself the more you get involved with him. Do you feel incredibly off-balance? Confused? Stressed out? Depressed? Silenced? Isolated? Or even kind of scared? Are you questioning your own perceptions more than usual? Is your self-esteem taking a nosedive?

Well, falling for a good guy will NOT make you feel like any of that!

So do yourself a big favor. If you’re getting to know a guy who acts like a control freak, and being with him makes you feel bad about yourself, resist any urge to “give him a chance.” At best, he’s probably going to make you unhappy. At worst, his control issues might even make him dangerous.

In other words, cut him loose!

Annie Dennison, Ph.D., is a psychologist and love life adviser. Her blog, Smart at Love, provides dating and relationship advice for smart women.


Posted by Vixen @ 12:10 AM :: 4 trainees letting it rip!

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Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Happy Birthday to the Bad Girls Guide

Wow, it's been a year since I got introduced to the blogosphere. It all started one rainy evening stuck in a car with my girlfriends who all had blogs. My girl T said, "Why don't you know about the date....oh, it was on my blog," to which after I figured out that a blog was actually a word made me wonder...What is a blog? And why haven't I ever heard of it until now? They quickly caught me up to speed and that same night I signed up with Blogger. And an idea was born. I would like to seriously thank everyone that's been reading from the get and those of you that have found the BGG along the way and joined us in the quest. I know that sometimes I tend to get on a high horse and I sincerely thank you all for putting up with it;)

I was really naive and totally new to the blogosphere and I just want to thank everyone who gave me ideas and tips to soup up my page. Remember that utterly atrocious pink girly background we had last year? Thank goodness that's gone! Thanks to everyone for telling their friends about the BGG, thanks to the subscribers, the naysayers and the critics. Yep--even the negativism managed to spur my wings further.

And now, without further ado, I present to you readers, old and new the very FIRST post!
By definition, a bad girl, is not an evil person. She is not a mean bitch, unless she has to be. She is a fun, fiesty, independent female with her own place, car, job and money. A bad girl is a sexy and sassy sista who has everything (well almost everything) going for her and is still continually striving to improve herself. When I say bad, I don't mean naughty-bad or even evil-bad. I mean BAaaaaad! Like a cool, intelligent, modern female that has her life as orderly as she can get it.

A bad girl is BAaaaad, because she doesn't live by the rules, she makes her own. A sista that can wield the cloak of power easily during 9-5, but slip into a sexy party girl when the sun goes down. She's gorgeous, and she knows it, even if she does have stretch marks and cellulite from here to Timbuktu. She fabulous and her self confidence is at an all time high, even if she has to fake it until she feels it.

The power of a BAaaaaad girl is that she knows what she wants out of life and is trying hard to get it. She wants the great job with the six-figure salary, she wants the perfect home and to be a great hostess. She wants the perfect man of her dreams.

And this is where the guide comes in. You see, BAaaaad girls are made, not born, they are forged through the fires of dating hell. When you see a gaggle of girls talking about men, we are not merely male-bashing, we are educating each other. Throughout history, the oral tradition has been the most powerful way of transferring information known to humankind. And we ladies have modified that and taken it to the nth level.

We talk about the foibles and horror stories, we talk about techniques and skills, we talk about romance and the one that got away. We talk about our narrow scrapes and misses, we talk about which guy is "dog of the week" and why, we talk about who cheated on who with whom.

Now what qualifies me to write the BAaaaad Girls Guide? Nothing. Absolutely frickin' nothing. Except that in a quest to leave something for the younger generation (aka my kid sister, who had her first date last week!!), I realize that I can impart waaay more info if I just wrote it down. So here you go.

Anything you read here is simply for informational purposes. If you decide to jump off Empire State Building because the dating pool is quite depressing, don't you DARE write that it was my fault.

The BAD girl's guide is merely not a quest to find the man of your dreams, but one to enrich your life and make yourself a better person so that when you find Mr. Right for Me, you will know.

And now, let the journey begin.

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Posted by Vixen @ 12:17 AM :: 11 trainees letting it rip!

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Monday, May 01, 2006

When You are Mad at Him

Now eventually, even the nicest, coolest guy is bound to do or say something totally insensitive or annoying. Some women can let things slide easily, however for majority of us, there are certain things that push our buttons. We erupt, explode, see red and pretty much give him hell for whatever it is.

The biggest thing to remember when you are mad is that you shouldn't fight dirty. Fighting dirty includes name-calling, making fun of, slagging and dissing him/his penis. When you are mad is not the time to remember all the 23 million things that he has done to annoy you but you never told him. Focus on the ONE issue that you are mad about, talk about it and then Let.It.Go. If he's a smart guy, he should have figured out by now how to unruffle your feathers and get himself back into your good graces.

Venting your frustrations is a good thing to do in any relationship. You have to feel comfortable enough to let it rip and yet not cross those invisible boundaries. In your anger don't degrade or punish him with the personal stuff that he told you. Don't take the offensive, just express how you feel. Remember to use all those good communication words...I feel bad when you, I was upset when, it hurt my feelings when blahblahblah.

Don't forget to give him direct reasons of why you are upset and what can be done to correct it in the future. Vague hints and subterfuge don't work with guys, just be direct and call it like you see it. Hopefully he will take your advice and be more thoughtful in the future. Be willing to listen to his side of the issue too, keeping in mind that there are two sides to every story. He might not have realised that it would be upsetting to you or that it would cause problems. (Yeah, they can be obtuse at times). So do communicate and accept feedback. Remember to remain rational as you present your side of the argument, even if you are reverting to the "I don't why but it really upset me," excuse that we use oh-so-often.

My mom always told me never go to bed mad. So I tend to cope with what angers me directly rather than let it sit and fester inside. Everyone has their own different coping mechanisms however bear in mind that you do have to address the issue sooner or later, or it will become an axe waiting to drop.

Oh, and guys really HATE it when we bring up fights/arguments that happened weeks ago into the new argument. Mostly because they can't remember that far back and they claim that any past actions are inadmissable in the blame game. I know it's hard for most of us (who have the memory of an elephant) but let's try and leave past issues in the past and only deal with the current issue.

So go ahead, get mad. Just let it go and enjoy your great make-up sex:)

Your thoughts?

Posted by Vixen @ 12:15 AM :: 10 trainees letting it rip!

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