Sunday, November 27, 2005
Terms: Initiator and the Reactor. Two opposite poles in the breaking up process. The Initiator is more commonly known as the Dumper/jerk/asswipe/turd/bitch etc. The Reactor is the Dumpee, more commonly known as the Great Gal that you Let Get Away.
Breaking up is hard to do. It's hard for both parties, the initiator and the reactor. I have been on both sides of the totem pole more times than I care to admit, and have to say that it's painful on both sides. But it totally sucks
worse if you are the Reactor, because most of the time, you don't even know that it's coming.
The reasons you might be breaking up are varied, but essentially all contain one of the following elements. There might be a few more, but usually the underlying cause is one of these.
- One of you cheated; or
he was dumb enough to get caught cheating
- Both of you grew apart; didn't mature at the same rate, had different goals and life expectations.
- One of you got cold feet; wasn't ready to take it to the next level, or stay on this one
- One of you feels pressured; usually other life stressors like work, family, medical issues, add to the stress but the relationship takes the blame/fall for it.
- One of you realized that the other person is a turd/scumbag/jerk/dick/etc; usually illumination occurs through some action from the turd that avalanches into something else
If you are the Reactor/Dumpee, it's hard to believe that homeboy is calling it quits. It's almost surreal, like you are living outside your body, watching his mouth as he enumerates the reasons why you guys can't be together. Inside you are screaming, crying, railing and wrapping your fingers around his throat, trying to get him to shut up. Outside you are frozen in place, heart beating fast, hoping that in a few minutes he will break into that smile that you love and just say it was all a joke. None of these happen and eventually your mind takes control of your body once again.
This is where your reaction sets in. For me, I've always had a delayed response. I want to be dramatic and throw a hissy fit, but I simply can't. I tend to just smile, succintly state that they are wrong, and I consider them a coward for bailing out and exit the scenario as quickly as possible. Why exit quickly? Because if I stay one minute too late I know that I will be bawling all over his shoulder, begging him to change his mind. And a Bad Girl would not do that. So I exit as gracefully as possible, and take my tears to the safety of my room and after that I speed dial the nearest Circle of Life member I can get to and start ranting.
If you are the Initiator, it's relatively easier but just a tad. You know that the relationship is about to end, you have probably spent a few days thinking about how you are going to do it and what you are going to say. You've already to some extent started the grieving process so you are more emotionally prepared. For starters, here are some things that I would encourage you NOT to say.
- It's not you it's me. No dickhead, it's you and your wandering eye. You just think the grass is greener on the other side don'tcha?
- You love me more than I love you. And who are you to be the judge of that? You should be grateful that I even condescended to date your triflin' ass.
- I don't know why I'm breaking up with you I just think that it's what I should do. Yeah, same way like I don't know why I'm thinking of stabbing you, I just think it's what I should do. WTF??
- You are a great person but I just don't think that you are the One. Newsflash, you obviously aren't The One either.
- It's just not working out. Well, if you put some effort into the relationship instead of bailing when things got rough, then it might have worked out.
And what's up with guys breaking up with you after they have had one last
great shag? Then as you are on your way home he comes up with the breakup speech. Lowest of the low. Do not do that! It only makes the Reactor feel worse than she already does.
Exhibit some compassion, some finesse, some contrition. After all, you are telling her that this is the end of the road for you guys. A little sorrow on your part wouldn't kill you. Don't offer me the 'let's be friends' line. I don't want to be your friend. If I wanted to be your friend, I wouldn't have given you my heart in the first place. Being your friend should not be offered as a condolence prize....sorry hun, you lost the relationship jackpot, but let's be friends. Grrrrr!
And in the same vein of consolation prizes, don't offer me anything I want because you are breaking up with me. At that particular moment, what I want is your head on a silver platter, so the offer of some concert tickets, ownership of the dog etc, is not going to make me feel better. You have turned my world upside down in a matter of minutes...nothing you say or do right then is going to make me feel better.
Don't try and get an emotional response from me. If I'm not giving you one, chances are I'm holding on to my control with sheer force of will. So you casting blame on me or trying to goad me is only going to make me snap...and you will not like the consequences. My suggestion would be to say what you need to say and leave quickly. That way I don't have to scrape your remains off my kitchen floor.
Your thoughts ladies?
Labels: Break Ups
Posted by Vixen @ 5:15 PM ::
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Friday, November 25, 2005
So this weeks “It’s Blogcess” is all about leftovers. I got tagged by Uptown Girl and so I'm answering this and passing on the love.
1) What are three items you have leftover from Thanksgiving that are in your refrigerator right now?
2) What kind of leftover treats will you make with the three items you listed?
Well, we will probably end up eating everything sometime this weekend, the turkey as finger food, the rice as that midnight snack and the pie...well the pie is almost done! We don't really make anything special of the leftovers, just eat them up until we're done.
3) How long will you keep the leftovers before you toss’em out?
They will be all eaten up by Thursday. Most of my family flies back home on Sun/Mon so they might get their arms twisted to take some leftovers with them if it's not done yet.
4) Now that we’ve done some leftover talk it’s time to spread some “It’s Blogcess” linky love?
Ok ladies, 'fess up and tell me what you do with YOUR leftovers. Passing the torch on to
100 Reasons I Hate my Husband
Kill the Goat
Posted by Vixen @ 5:01 PM ::
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Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Definition: Narcissisme (french) actually means self love. Webster's defines self love as "The instinct or desire to promote one's own well-being; regard for or love of one's self." This isn't talking about conceit or pride, but rather, the type of love that helps you reach Self Actualization."
Self love is crucial to any human looking for their 'other half'. Many people try to find love from an external source, ie from others; because they are unable to fully love themselves. They love because they are looking for someone to love them as well. This love is strictly conditional and based on reciprocation, and often fades faster than you can say Rumplestilskin. Any love that needs constant external validation and reciprocity hasn't reached the depth of true love yet. If your need of being indispensable and significant is the driving force behind you seeking love, than you aren't ready for true love yet. What you are is emotionally needy, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but should stop being mixed up with true love.
True love should not be the thing that completes you, you should be happy in your life with or without it. True love should be like the icing on the cake, you have everything else you need to make you fully happy, friends, family, work, hobbies etc and can be fine with or without it.
Once again, it all starts from childhood. If we were rejected in any way by our parents, that can in some way affect the way you view love. You might feel that you aren't worthy of true love, and end up rejecting true love in favor of the shallow relationships and elusive Mr. Unavailables just to save yourself from future rejection. If you hate yourself, are angry for past actions or have negative layers that seeth in you in a cauldron of pain, grief, abandonment and despair, it's hard to open up to true love. Often we construct barriers to protect ourselves from ever going through the hurt and heartbreak again. All these just hinder true love.
When you achieve Narcissisme, only then can you truly open your heart to fully loving someone else. Inner peace, inner love, inner happiness, all of these are ingrediants for narcissisme. We only love as much as we think we deserve to be loved, and the more you love yourself, the more love you are capable of sharing.
In summation, Baaad Girls love deeply because they love themselves deeply.
Your thoughts? Go easy on me now:)
Labels: Girl Talk
Posted by Vixen @ 12:50 AM ::
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Wednesday, November 16, 2005
I was talking to a friend of mine the other day, and she was agonizing about her dating quandry. It seems that ever since she started dating, she has pretty much ended up with varying shades of the same man, aka the Jobless, hopeless scrub. He might not have started out Jobless, but he gradually morphed into one. She was agonizing over the fact that she seemed to attract only those guys throughout the past 7 years that she's been dating.
Of course, being the controversial soul that I am, I simply had to disagree with her. My outlook was that you choose the kind of men you are attracted to and that pattern is somehow imbedded in you from childhood. Your expectations and feelings of what love is is gotten from your first contact with love...aka, your parents and it is from their actions that you base your core beliefs upon.
We tend to date guys that are either dramatically different from our father figures or quite similar to them. Different because we had a bad relationship with Dad or he treated Mom quite shoddily or similar because he is the best male figure you know and admire.
It's upon knowing what our patterns are that we can make the changes necessary to avoid the Mr. Unavailables and finally find the man that is right for us.
Examining the last bunch of horrible men you dated, what patterns can you come up with?
Posted by Vixen @ 11:03 PM ::
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Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Good Tips for that Special Date
My penchant for making lists has returned. Here are the top ways to score mad brownie points on your first date with me.
- Show up on time. Don't be late and if you are, call me ahead of time.
- Plan well. Planning and preparation shows that you actually put thought into this evening. Know where we are going and what we are doing.
- Smell good. BO/MO are unacceptable in any shape or form. Bathing is essential. Don't try to cover BO with gallons of cologne/aftershave. Mints can be provided upon request.
- Dress well. Don't wear baggy, slouchy, grungy, wrinkled, unironed clothing. Anything that makes you look like a homeless waif won't put you in my good graces.
- Compliment. Compliments increase the positive aura around the evening. However, excessive flattery does come across as empty noise.
- Open doors. Yes, I can do it myself, but chivalry still wins the day.
- Converse intelligently. Topics like current affairs, weather, music, movies and pop culture are good starting points. Avoid controversial topics that might lead to dissension. Avoid sharing too much information.
- Avoid excessive alcohol. Don't try to get me drunk and don't get yourself drunk.
- Treat well. Treat the waitstaff nicely. It was once said that you can know how the person is like, and how he will treat you in future, from the way he treats them ~skybellz
- Tip well. Don't bitch about the waiter and try to shortchange him.
- Kiss well. Don't swallow my tongue, don't lie in my mouth like a dead fish, don't slobber all over my face.
- Leave gracefully. Don't invite yourself up, or try to get me back to your place.
- Follow up. Call to thank me for a wonderful evening ~ Monica
Anyone else have some to be added on here?
Posted by Vixen @ 12:28 AM ::
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Monday, November 07, 2005
Ok, so I'm a tad giddy right now. Mainly because, while blogsurfing, I came across Singular Man's critique of Dealbreakers. So there is my first official quote on another blog. Very cool.
Moving right along...has anyone been to Baggage Reclaim lately? Another huge positive...I'm the new Deputy Editor over there.
Advertising wise, here are today's tidbits...
Diamond Anniversary Rings>(a year and you're both still breathing!)
Mortgage Rates>(in case you haven't invested in real estate yet)
Psychotherapy T Shirts>(something to irk your boss on Casual Fridays)
Posted by Vixen @ 11:45 PM ::
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Friday, November 04, 2005
Definition: A dealbreaker is the trait, characteristic, lifestyle choice, or baggage or skeleton that you will absolutely NOT put up with in your significant other under any circumstances. This de facto that will eliminate many a promising man/woman from your dating pool.
I know that each and every one of us has some things on our Master List that are just essential to us in a mate. However, on the other hand, there are important things on that list that become dealbreakers if they don't/do have those tendencies.
Smoking for example, is an automatic dealbreaker for me. No matter how fabulous you think I am, or how cute you think you are, if there is a whiff of cigarette/cigar smoke around you, it automatically takes you out of the running.
(Smokism at it's worst!) There is no way that I can get past the smoky smell on clothes, breath and in the car. It kills whatever tiny shred of attraction that I may have for you instantaneously. I've tried, and it ain't happening.
Once you have gotten eliminated, I will tell you what the dealbreaker was, just not in a derogatory fashion. If your lifestyle choice is to smoke, good for you. I just don't condone it, henceforth, our acquaintance cannot go beyond...acquaintances. C'est finit.
Please recede with dignity. Be a man about it and don't throw a hissy fit because you aren't getting your way. You trying to pressure me into changing my mind isn't going to work, so get over the rejection and move on. I'm sure there are other women that don't consider it a dealbreaker...try one of them.
In the same vein ladies, if a guy lets you know that he isn't attracted to big, beautiful women (BBW), or that you're not his type, let him go. Don't try to change yourself to please a man, you're only shortchanging yourself in the long run. God populated this earth with 6 billion people for a reason, so go find one guy that loves your curves as much as he loves Your thoughts?
Posted by Vixen @ 2:49 PM ::
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Thursday, November 03, 2005
100 Reasons I Hate my Husband....has moved!
For those of you that don't know, Christine had to move her blog to another site because it was getting 'close to home'. She lost alot of her links in the process and is trying to find her darling readers once again.
So I'm giving you Bad Girls a heads up. Go on and show Chris some love!
Time's fun when you're having flies.
Meanwhile, whilst you are in the clicking mood, a word from our sponsors.
Diamond Watches>>>Mortgage Refinancing>>>Current Gold Prices>>>
Posted by Vixen @ 4:06 PM ::
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Wednesday, November 02, 2005
Definition: Yep, big word I know. This is the unexpected phone call or casual meeting on the street when you run into one of your previous exes.
Hopefully, as a Bad Girl, when you do have that run-in with your ex, you are looking your absolute best. Even better, you are on an arm belonging to a fantastically gorgeous male specimen that makes him look like small fries. Of course, this would be an ideal situation.
When you do see him again, your heart might do a flip flop (if you are in fake closure) or you might have no reaction whatsoever. I recommend you faking like you have no feelings for him even if you do. Guys get a kick out of seeing their exes still sweating them and often try to reconnect just to get that instant affection and flattery back. Greet them with a smile, but not too broad, you don't want him to think that you saved your best smiles for him now, do you?
Exchange pleasantries cordially but keep it short and simple. If he compliments you thank him graciously but no need to return the favor. If he asks how you are doing, tell him how great you are, that you got that promotion at your job, that you bought a new car, or whatever other great improvements you have made since you guys broke up. Exaggerate if you wish, amping yourself up totally psyches him out. You have definitely grown and matured since then, and he will see that. However, don't stand on the street chatting forever though, you do have a very important and busy life, remember?
Be the one to end it first. "It was lovely running into you
jerk. Have a great day asswipe." Let him know that you are running late for some plans and you have to go. Now this is the crucial part. If he is trying to reconnect/sleep with you he's going to either give you his number or want to get yours. Remember, a Recycled Man is not for you. Unless you wish to lead him on just for shits & giggles, don't bother re-initiating contact.
On the phone, it's even easier to survive a Recrudesce. Just keep your tone upbeat. It helps if you have some background noise...makes you sound oh so incredibly busy!
Whatever you do, contact has to be minimal. I recommend not anything greater than 3-5 minutes. You have to leave the impression in his mind that you are doing so much better without him, and have him wondering for the rest of his days about the wonderfully exciting Baaad girl that he let get away.
Posted by Vixen @ 2:01 AM ::
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